Absolution
by Caroline
"Why are you here?"
Heero blinked, words from long ago echoing through time. Only this time, it was not his voice uttering those words and the eyes shimmering in anger were not cobalt, but a deep blue-violet. Heero shifted uncomfortably under the intensity of the young priest's gaze, but years of training helped him hold his ground.
"Perhaps I came to listen to the sermon," he replied, his voice cold and devoid of emotion. "It is Sunday - and I do believe the sign out front says all are welcome."
Duo crossed his arms in front of his chest and regarded him steadily. "Aa. The sign does say that. But I've known you too long, Yuy. The day you become a religious man is the day I become a-"
"A what? A priest?" Heero looked the other man up and down, smirking ruefully at Duo's priestly attire. "But then, you've already taken care of that and yet I don't feel any closer to your god than I did before."
Duo scowled at him, eyes hardening dangerously. "Is there a point to this little tête-à-tête or can I go? I have a lot of duties to attend to before evening mass."
Heero opened his mouth to snap a retort back at the young priest, but then thought better of it. This wasn't why he was here. He sighed and shook his head.
"I didn't come here to fight with you, Duo. And I didn't come here to hurt you." He reached out with his hand to touch Duo's face, but stopped short of actual contact.
"Then why…"
"I came to see you," Heero interrupted. He looked at the ground. "It's been three years with no word. I - wanted to see how you were doing." He lifted his head to look his former lover in the eyes. "Besides, you said if I ever needed a friend I would know where to find you. You wrote that in the note you left on my pillow. Or have you forgotten?"
Duo's face softened as he looked away guiltily. "No, I've not forgotten. I did say that. And I meant it. Forgive me, Heero. I was just surprised to see you after all this time. It… is harder than I thought it would be."
"I understand." Heero shifted his weight from one foot to the other and looked around. "This seems to be a… really nice church."
Duo allowed himself a small smile. "And how many churches have you been inside of, Yuy?"
"Just one."
The young priest lifted an eyebrow. "Oh? When?"
"The day you left me." Immediately he regretted his words when he saw the hurt expression cross his former lover's face. "Forgive me again, Duo. I didn't mean it like that."
Duo shook his head. "It's all right." He cocked his head sidewise. "Wait - you were there when I was ordained?" Heero nodded. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It was too hard," Heero replied, the old pain of remembering Duo walk away to his new life rising in his gut once more. "I figured that if it was hard for me to be there, it would be hard for you to see me there. I wanted to let you start your new life without sorrow or regret. So I didn't want you to know I was there."
"I think… in some way I knew you were there," Duo said. "I knew you were with me. You were always with me - even when you weren't." He rubbed a hand across his eyes to wipe away some moisture beginning to form there and gave a little laugh. "And now here you are. So is this a social call or do you need me to help save the world again?"
Heero smiled. "No, nothing like that. I just wanted to see an old friend. Should I not have come?"
"No, no. I'm glad you did. Really glad," Duo replied. He took Heero's arm and drew him to his side. "Would you like a tour?"
"Please," Heero said, growing suddenly warm at the feel of Duo's hand on his bare skin.
The American led him inside, through the foyer where they'd been standing and into the chapel proper. Rays of brightly colored light streamed in from all sides. Heero looked up to see the stained glass windows sparkling in the artificial colony light. Plush pews lined the sanctuary. The scent of beeswax candles wafted through the air. The high vaulted ceiling was supported by columns of real wood. That in itself was surprising. Real wood was hard to come by in the colonies. The sanctuary had an air of calm peace - warm, cozy, and inviting.
"It's beautiful, Duo," he murmured, unwilling to disturb the quiet air of the place.
Duo nodded. "St. Bridget's has the rare distinction of being under the care of a very wealthy benefactor."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. You might know him. Nice guy, blonde hair, blue eyes. Goes by the name of Winner." He grinned. "Quatre came to visit me right after I was assigned here. You should have seen the place back then, all dilapidated and threadbare. Quatre took one look at it and got on the phone. A year later, this was the result," he explained, throwing his arms wide. "I tried to tell him it was too much, but he insisted. Not that we minded too much, but it seemed an excess. Still… the renovations have brought great publicity for both the church and the orphanage."
"Orphanage?" Heero recalled Duo had lived in one such institution when he was younger.
Duo smiled broadly. "Our pride and joy. That big stone building next door is the orphanage. More of our kids have been adopted since the renovations than in the past five years combined. If a little excess can get some of those kids a family, why not take advantage?" He flashed Heero a toothy grin. "Want to see it?"
Heero frowned. "I'd rather not, if you don't mind. Small children and I… don't mix well."
Duo laughed. "Very well. We'll save that for another day." He tugged on Heero's arm. "Come on. There's something I want to show you."
He led Heero through a maze of corridors, chattering on about this and that. Heero barely paid attention. He was too busy watching Duo from the corner of his eye. His former lover had changed little in the three years since they'd last seen each other. He'd long since lost the pudginess of childhood. Duo was now lean, well muscled, hard in all the right places and as he recalled, soft in all the other ones. He was shorter than Heero by a good ten centimeters. The malnutrition and hard life he'd had growing up on the streets of L2 had apparently stunted his growth. By right of heritage, Duo should have been taller than Heero. But although Duo had often grumbled about his short stature, Heero had secretly loved it. They had fit together perfectly - his chin resting on top of Duo's head as they lay together, entwined beneath the sheets. But no more - those days had long since passed.
Heero swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat, concentrating instead on the neatly plaited braid swinging gently against Duo's back. The hair took on an auburn sheen in the light. Duo had always taken great pride in his hair. He must have fought tooth and nail to keep the massive length, knowing the Catholic preference for short hair on men. But then, with a patron like Quatre, Heero suspected they would have let Duo get away with just about anything.
At the end of yet another hallway, they came to a glass door which looked to lead out to some kind of courtyard. Duo turned to face Heero, and for a moment, the young priest was framed in a halo of light. Heero's breath caught in his throat. Duo was beautiful. There was simply no other word to describe him. Time had not marred his beauty one iota. Even if it had, Heero knew Duo would always be beautiful in his eyes. Even when he was old and gray, Duo would be the most beautiful person in the world and colonies.
"… and then Quatre told me all about his little threesome he had with Trowa and Catherine."
Heero blinked and stared at the American. "Quatre… what?"
Duo giggled. "I didn't think you were listening." He gestured towards the door. "Aside from our kids, the church has one other pride and joy." He opened the door and led Heero down a short stone walkway - and into paradise.
"A real garden," Heero breathed, looking around at the abundant foliage in amazement. "How do you get it to grow here?"
"Amazing, isn't it? Usually the artificial light and synthetic soil won't allow anything aside from a few scraggly trees and bushes to grow on the colonies. But this - this is Quatre's doing. Again. A new kind of soil and some genetically engineered plants - we're one of the test cases. If this all survives longer than two years, the colonies will be able to get a lot greener."
"It's wonderful. Who tends to it?"
"I do, mostly. And Father O'Brien when his arthritis isn't acting up. But this is pretty much my baby. I keep Quatre informed of the garden's progress and he sends me new plant clippings periodically." He smiled serenely and bent down, cupping his hands around one delicate pale orange blossom. "It keeps me happy."
"Are you happy, Duo?"
Duo's smile faded for a moment as he straightened slowly. Gesturing to a nearby stone bench, he asked for Heero to take a seat.
"It's so peaceful here, don't you think?" Duo asked, stretching his legs in front of him and leaning back against the bench.
"Aa." Heero sat stiffly next to him, half-turned towards his former lover. "Duo-"
"Heero, why are you really here?" Duo interrupted before Heero could continue.
The Japanese man looked at him for a long moment before speaking.
"Duo, when you left three years ago, I did too. I closed up my apartment and began traveling, wandering aimlessly from colony to colony. It took me a year to realize why I'd left. I was looking for something. I'd been searching for an answer to my life. It took me another year to figure out just exactly what the question was, and still another year to realize the answer. Three years - three wasted years wandering from place to place, colony to colony, and the answer I finally found was right there the whole time." He reached out and took Duo's hand in both of his. "I found the answer I was looking for, Duo. Now I want you to answer something for me. Are you happy?"
He could feel Duo tremble as he continued to hold his hand. He saw those big blue-violet eyes fill with tears. Duo broke away from his gaze to stare at their joined hands. "Heero, I… I think you should go now," he said softly, removing his hand from Heero's.
"Not until you answer my question, Duo."
The American stiffened and looked away. "Please, Heero. Just leave." His voice was pained and rough. He stood quickly. "I have duties to attend to. One of the novices can show you out…"
Heero shot to his feet, grabbed Duo's shoulder and turned the young priest to face him. He forced Duo's head up to meet his gaze. "Why won't you answer me? It's a simple yes or no question. Are. You. Happy?"
"I… I can't answer that, Heero. I'm sorry." He turned away and wrapped his arms around himself. "Please Heero. I need you to leave now. I… just… please?"
Heero's shoulders slumped in disappointment. A wave of guilt washed over him for making Duo feel uncomfortable. But he had to know. "Forgive me, Duo. I didn't realize how difficult this would be - for either of us. I'll go now, but I would like to see you again - if I may?"
Duo turned back, a small smile on his lips masking the unshed tears in his eyes. "Yes. I'd like that. I'm sorry for this. I just…"
"I understand," Heero interrupted.
Duo smiled again. "Do you need someone to show you out?"
"No, I can find my own way." He paused. "It was wonderful to see you again, Duo."
"You too."
Heero turned away and was heading towards the glass door from which they had come through when Duo's voice stopped him.
"Wait - Heero?"
He turned around. "Yes?"
"The answer you found… what was it?"
Heero gave Duo a sad smile. "I found that I made a mistake." The puzzled look Duo gave him almost made him laugh. "Ja ne, Duo. I'll see you again soon."
~*~*~*~*~
Duo shifted uncomfortably on the little prayer stool in front of the alter. He'd spent a lot of time in that position in the three days - and nights - since Heero's visit. His former partner's return had thrown him for a loop. He'd thought of Heero often over the years, wondering how he was doing, hoping he'd been able to move on with his life. He'd been worried when Quatre had told him no one had heard from Heero for several months after Duo had taken his vows. But he knew Heero. He could take care of himself. Of that he had no doubt. But that didn't stop him from praying for Heero every night.
Heero did manage to surface every few months over the past three years, long enough for Quatre to keep tabs on him anyway. Duo often wondered what his former lover was doing, colony hopping like he was. And secretly, he'd hoped Heero's travels would bring him to L2 someday. Now they had - and Duo didn't quite know how to handle it.
Seeing Heero again - ah, God, how it had hurt. He'd thought the years apart would have lessened the feelings he had for the stoic Japanese man. But to his shock, seeing Heero standing at the entrance to the church the other day had only made him realize how much he still loved him. The ache in his heart which had dimmed over the years had returned with a vengeance. He'd had to fight every instinct he had not to launch himself back into his lover's - former lover's - arms. He longed to feel Heero's lips on his own again. But he could not allow himself to give in to temptation. He was a priest, bound by rules of celibacy and a promise he'd made a lifetime ago.
But oh - the temptation was great. Duo clasped his hands together tightly, feeling the rosary bite into his skin. He relished the pain. Physical pain overrode the emotional pain - at least for a little while.
He prayed to a God he wasn't sure he believed in for strength. Should Heero return like he said he would, he'd need all the strength he could get to face him again. This time he was sure Heero would insist on an answer to his question. But Duo couldn't answer. He would not lie, and the truth was too painful to admit. He liked being at the church. He loved his work with the children and his garden. He respected and admired his mentor, Father O'Brien. He enjoyed interacting with the people of the community. He was not unhappy.
But then again, he wasn't exactly happy either.
He'd only ever been happy with Heero.
He couldn't ever have that kind of happiness again. And he couldn't let Heero know that. He wouldn't destroy any chance Heero had to find happiness without him. He had to find a way to avoid answering Heero's question. It was the best and only way.
A noise from behind startled him out of his musings. He turned to see that someone had entered one of the confessionals at the far end of the chapel, closing the door behind them. It was unusual to get many people seeking confession at this time of night, but it wasn't completely unexpected. St. Bridget's doors were always open. Whenever anyone felt the need to unburden their soul, they were more than welcome to come inside. Someone was usually stationed in the chapel around the clock just in case. If one of the priests weren't around, one of the novices would come find one should a parishioner come seeking absolution. And seeing as how Father O'Brien and the other priests were in bed asleep and had been for hours, the duty of hearing confession fell to Duo. Standing carefully, wincing as his knees popped from spending so much time in prayer, he slowly made his way to the confessional.
Closing the door to the tiny room behind him, Duo tried to make himself comfortable on the small padded bench inside. This was one part of the job he didn't particularly care for. The small booth seemed too much like a coffin at times. He sighed and slid open the little panel on the side that connected him to the adjoining booth. But before he could say a word, the person waiting on the other side of the wall started talking.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," a familiar nasal voice intoned from the other side.
"H… Heero?" Duo stammered, absolutely flabbergasted.
"That is what you say in one of these things, isn't it, Father Maxwell?" Heero asked, putting a slight sarcastic emphasis on Duo's title.
"Y… yes."
"And this is where I tell you my sins, correct? And where you give me absolution?"
Duo nodded, momentarily forgetting that Heero couldn't see him clearly through the little screen. But Heero kept talking as though he'd seen Duo's non-verbal response.
"I have lied, I have stolen, I have killed," he continued. "I have broken many of your… commandments, and yet I seek no absolution for any of those actions. I did those things because I had to do them. It was war, and they were necessary evils. No, I am here because I seek forgiveness for a mistake, a terrible mistake I made that may have caused irrevocable harm to two lives… though granted one of those lives is much more precious than my own."
Duo's mouth felt full of cotton. He was having a hard time swallowing as he listened to Heero's voice. "A mistake? What kind of mistake?"
"I had a lover once. Someone I loved more than life itself. Someone who made me feel alive, human. But then I made my terrible mistake. I let him go."
"But - that wasn't a mistake!" Duo replied, pressing himself closer to the little window. "It was my choice. I chose to leave. It wasn't your fault-"
"Yes it was. Before he left, my lover asked if there was any reason for him not to leave, and I foolishly told him no. I thought that to hold him back would kill the light in his eyes. I thought if I really loved him, I had to set him free. But I've come to realize that was a mistake. When he asked if there was any reason to stay, I should have said yes. I should have told him love was enough of a reason to stay. I should have taken him in my arms and never let go."
"Oh, Heero," Duo murmured, not bothering to stop the tears beginning to spill down his cheeks. Heero's confession was breaking his heart all over again, and he had no idea what to do or to say in order to give either of them forgiveness or absolution.
"I wandered the colonies until I realized my mistake. So I decided to come see my lover to see if what I had done had only affected my life or if I had also harmed the person I loved as well." Duo could hear Heero shifting on the prayer stool. "So I journeyed to his colony and started watching him."
Duo's eyes widened. He cursed the screen separating them. He wanted to see Heero's face. "Heero…"
"I watched him deliver sermons. I watched him work with children, I watched him tending his garden. At first I thought perhaps I'd done the right thing be letting him go after all. But then I saw him smile and I noticed his smile did not reach his eyes. That's when I knew. My mistake not only caused me sadness, I had also hurt the one I loved. And I could not allow that to continue. So I am here, begging for forgiveness and seeking absolution."
Duo leaned his forehead against the screen, fingers fanned out on the wall beside his face as though trying to pass through the partition to touch his former lover. "Heero… forgiveness is readily and always given because there is nothing to forgive. But as for absolution - I'm sorry, Heero. That you'll have to find on your own." He took a ragged breath. "Heero, Heero… why couldn't you have done what I asked? Why couldn't you have moved on with your life? I wanted you to find your own happiness, not dwell on something that could never be. Heero… I… I can't do this. I think… I think you should go."
With a heavy heart, Duo heard Heero stand up and exit the confessional, quietly closing the door behind him. He sat back, letting the tears fall, not wanting to leave just yet and risk seeing Heero outside. He was too shaken to face him at the moment. His emotions were a tidal storm within, swirling through his body and mind like the sea during a hurricane. One moment he was hot, the next, shivering cold. And over all this his heart ached for the man who had just left. He wanted to hold Heero, kiss away his guilt and pain, and promise never to leave him again. But he couldn't. It was impossible. The vows he had taken willingly held him in check. He couldn't simply stop being a priest. He loved his work at the church. He had honored his promise to Father Maxwell. So why then did that make him so sad?
Because he couldn't be with Heero. And that was what he wanted more than anything.
He wiped at his face furiously. He didn't think anyone would be awake at this time of night, but he didn't want to take the chance of anyone seeing him so upset. He didn't feel like answering any questions at the moment. He stood and was fishing around in his pocket for a handkerchief when the door to the confessional opened and Heero stepped in.
"What? Hee-" His words were cut off as Heero closed the small gap between them and brought his lips crashing down onto Duo's.
Duo struggled for a moment, not wanting to give in. But it had been too long, and the familiar taste of his lover too powerful to resist. He melted into the kiss, slumping against Heero's body, clutching handfuls of his shirt to hold himself up.
Heero demanded entrance to Duo's mouth, and the young priest conceded willingly, opening himself to Heero's invasion. He whimpered as Heero's tongue swept into his mouth, dueling with his own. Deep in the back of his mind, Duo wondered how he could ever have given this up - nothing on earth or in the colonies could compare to the taste of his lover. He could drown in the taste and die a happy and contented man.
While Heero was doing his best to crawl down Duo's throat, his hands were not idle. They'd started high on Duo's back, clutching the braided young man tightly to him. As Duo relaxed, Heero's hands began to slide down the American's back, becoming reacquainted with the hardened planes through the stiff black priest's shirt. Growling with frustration for the need to feel Duo's skin beneath his fingers, Heero grabbed handfuls of the cloth and yanked it up, hard, pulling the garment out from where it had been tucked into Duo's black pants. Impatient hands fumbled the fabric out of the way as Heero slid his hands under Duo's shirt.
Duo gasped loudly, jumping at the electrical contact of skin upon skin. It had been so long since anyone - since Heero - had touched him this way. He wanted, no - craved more. He wanted the barrier of clothing gone. With Heero's shirt still bunched in his fists, he tugged the garment upward, whimpering when he lost contact with his lover's mouth to drag the shirt over Heero's head. With one barrier out of the way, Duo plastered himself against Heero, trying to touch all of him at once, lips glued together.
Heero's hands slid around Duo's waist to the American's front. Duo's stomach fluttered at the touch. He moaned into Heero's mouth as the Japanese man explored his front, moving steadily upwards, seeking out and finding the sensitive nipples hiding beneath Duo's shirt.
"Heero!" Duo gasped, his body jerking as his lover pinched the hardened nubs between thumb and forefingers. He leaned his head back, giving Heero access to his throat. The former Wing pilot took advantage of this new offering and dropped his lips to the tender flesh found there. Duo cried out silently, hands reaching up to bury themselves in soft brown hair. He shivered and gasped as Heero rediscovered a particularly tender area right below his ear. He could feel Heero's trembling hands working the buttons of his shirt undone. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered why Heero didn't just rip the offending garment from his body. He contemplated doing it for him - he wanted the shirt gone now! But then Heero's teeth began nibbling on the lobe of his ear and all rational thought vanished from his mind.
The last of the buttons were undone. Duo could feel his lover's hands hovering at the collar to his shirt. He whined for Heero to finish it and get rid of the darned thing, unable to form words. Heero brushed a kiss on swollen lips before returning to his ear.
"Do you want this?" his lover's low, passion infused voice rasped into his ear.
"Uh?" Duo's brain tried to comprehend the words.
"There will be no turning back after I remove your collar. Do you want me to continue?"
"Hee-" The words caught in his throat. He couldn't understand why Heero was hesitating. His world had condensed to Heero and the feel of Heero's hands and lips on his skin. Nothing else registered. He just wanted his damned shirt off so he could feel Heero more fully against his skin. Why wouldn't his lover take it off? Why did he seem so reluctant? He didn't understand. Wriggling provocatively in Heero's embrace, he brought his hand up to cover his lover's, helping him to pull open that stubborn collar.
"Please," he managed to get out as he pulled the cloth away from his overheated skin. "Please Heero. Take me. Love me. I… I need you."
Heero moaned at his words, dropping Duo's shirt to mingle with his own now discarded on the floor. "I have to know, Duo. Are you sure you want me to make love to you? Here? Now?"
Duo growled with impatience. Instead of answering Heero with words, he pressed himself fully against his lover, reaching around to grab Heero's ass and grinding their hips together. Heero bit back a curse and resumed his mission to taste every square inch of Duo's skin. They rocked together for what seemed an eternity, blood boiling through their veins and their gasps and moans filling the small space around them. Heero pressed Duo against one wall, rolling his hips in such a way that caused Duo to emit a low keening noise from the back of his throat. The young priest met Heero thrust for thrust, delighting in the little noises emanating from his lover's throat.
All of a sudden, Heero pulled away. Duo whimpered at the loss of contact. He felt hands tugging at the front of his pants. Panting, Duo began fumbling at the buttons on Heero's jeans. Fevered hands clawed at stubborn clothing, almost ripping it from their bodies in their haste to remove them. Socks, shoes, and undergarments followed until flesh met flesh, free of any and all constrictions.
Duo ran his hands over Heero's flushed skin, re-familiarizing himself with every line, every plane, every scar on Heero's body. Their mouths met with bruising force as Heero reached around to wrap Duo's braid around his fist. Using the long rope of hair as a leash, he pulled Duo's head back, once again exposing his neck.
Duo moaned as Heero suckled at his throat. He licked his lips, now swollen and dry from Heero's kisses. His breath came in sharp gasps, sweat dripping down his back. The little booth they were in was turning into a sauna. Yet at that moment, Duo was willing to endure the fires of Hell for Heero to keep tasting his skin… moving lower…
He cried out as Heero took a nipple into his mouth, biting down not hard enough to hurt, but enough to cause electric ripples of pleasure to course through his body.
"Heero, Heero please," he begged, not quite sure what he was asking for. His mind was too far gone with pleasure. Dimly he was aware of Heero murmuring a response, but he was so lost in the maelstrom of Heero's hands and lips he couldn't make it out.
The world shifted suddenly, Heero swinging him around to drop him onto the padded bench. The Japanese man dropped to his knees as if in supplication. He gazed almost adoringly at the braided young man sitting before him. Duo whispered his name, held captive by cobalt-blue eyes. He lifted his hand and laid it alongside Heero's cheek. His lover turned his head to place a loving kiss on the palm of Duo's hand. Then, without breaking eye contact, he bent his head to kiss one trembling knee.
Duo hissed and watched in breathless anticipation as Heero worked his way up his thigh, gently spreading his legs as far as they could go in the cramped space. Higher and higher he lips traveled until they were paused just above the center of Duo's need. The American shivered, feeling Heero's hot breath caress his aching member. A strangled cry left his throat as Heero's tongue darted out, lapping up the pearly white droplets that had formed at the tip. He brought a hand up to his mouth, biting down on his knuckle, trying to muffle the hoarse shout he let out as Heero opened his mouth wide in an attempt to swallow him whole.
Warmth rushed through his body, radiating out from his groin as Heero made love to him with his mouth. His fingers clutched fistfuls of soft brown hair, head lolling against the wall, eyes closed. Though it had been three years, Heero still knew all the tricks to bring him right up to the edge and keep him hanging there, denying him release until Heero was ready to give it to him.
His lover swirled his tongue around the head of his cock, teasing him mercilessly. Moving lower, he nibbled down the underside of Duo's length, causing every hair on the young priest's body to stand on end. Moving even lower still, he nuzzled the heavy sac at the base of his shaft before drawing half of it into his mouth and sucking hard.
"Nngh! Heero!" Duo cried out, shifting forward to allow his lover better access. He could almost feel Heero smirking against his skin, but all rational thought fled his mind when his lover slipped lower to run his tongue around the puckered entrance to his body. Duo cried out again, but Heero quickly reached up and silenced him by pushing two fingers into his mouth. Duo happily sucked them inside, worshipping the digits with his tongue as Heero worshipped his body.
His throat tightened but no sound emerged. He was beyond words, beyond thought, beyond reason and sanity. All that mattered was Heero and what Heero was doing to his body. As Heero pressed his tongue, then one slick finger inside his body, Duo began to tremble. He wanted - no, needed Heero inside him. He needed to feel Heero joined with him again, needed to feel as one with his lover. He tugged at Heero's hair, silently communicating his need to him. Heero lathered his entrance with his tongue a moment longer before pulling away and rising to his feet.
Duo's breath caught in his throat as he stared up at his lover. The passion smoldering in those twin cobalt eyes held him captive. Unconsciously he reached out to Heero, intoning his name over and over. Heero murmured Duo's name in return, and, in one swift motion, hauled the young priest to his feet and pressed him against the wall.
Mouths crashed together hungrily, Duo gasping into Heero's mouth as their bodies rocked together. Heero tore his mouth away from Duo's to whisper hotly into his ear.
"I want to be inside you," the Japanese man rasped, grasping Duo's hips to grind their arousals together. "Let me inside you."
Duo's passion-clouded mind could only come up with one appropriate response. "Yes, Heero… yes."
Heero kissed him again, then reached down to catch one of Duo's legs under the thigh. Lifting it almost roughly, he hooked Duo's leg around his waist. Placing a hand on Duo's mouth, Heero's breathing sped up as Duo moved his tongue over his palm. When his palm was sufficiently wet, Heero removed his hand, bringing it down to his swollen shaft and rubbing the moisture onto it as best he could to prepare himself for Duo. When he was finished, he took hold of the leg wrapped around his hip, spreading his lover as wide as possible against the wall, and positioned himself against Duo's entrance. Catching Duo's gaze with his own, and without breaking eye contact, he ever so slowly eased himself inside.
Duo gasped at the intrusion, crystalline tears falling from his eyes as Heero entered him. In the back of his mind, the part that was still working at least, he knew it would hurt. They didn't have anything to help ease Heero's entry. When they'd been together, they hadn't needed much. But it had been three years since their last joining, and pain shot through his body as Heero pushed inside with inexorable slowness.
"Shhh," his lover comforted, kissing away his tears. "Just relax. It will get better soon."
"I know," Duo whispered back, willing his body to relax and accept Heero within him. "I know. Oh God, Heero…" He gasped as Heero pushed in the last few inches, seating himself fully inside Duo's body. They stood there for a long moment, neither one moving, each adjusting to the feel of the other. Heero gasped as Duo clenched sporadically around him. The sound caused the American to jump, the slight movement sending a jolt of pleasure up his spine as Heero brushed against something deep inside him. Digging his fingers into Heero's biceps, he caught his lover's gaze… and moved.
Heero didn't have to be told twice. Holding Duo's hips steady, he pulled out, almost to the tip, before sliding carefully back into Duo's tight channel. The American let out a long, strangled cry. There was pain, but beyond it was pleasure - an ecstasy that radiated though his body from where they were joined. As Heero continued his slow but powerful thrusts, Duo's body opened itself to him, making the passage easier to move within. Duo whimpered each time Heero pulled out. He craved being filled by his lover. It made him feel complete, whole… something he hadn't felt in a long, long time.
"Nnnnh, Heero… more," he murmured, flexing his leg to squeeze Heero's waist in an attempt to get his lover to move faster, harder, anything.
Heero complied, speeding up his movements, sweat trickling off his body to mingle with Duo's. He thrust harder into the young priest's willing body, bending his head to suckle furiously at Duo's neck.
The American cried out, rolling his head against the wall to allow Heero access. A familiar burn began spreading through his lower body. He let go of Heero's arms to bury his fingers in his lover's hair. Heero's name became his own personal litany as Heero breathed harshly into his ear.
The little booth echoed the rough sounds of their coupling. His moans, Heero's gasps, and the pounding of their bodies against the wooden wall reverberated through Duo's ears, causing the young priest to arc frantically against his lover.
"Oh God, Heero, please…" He sounded like a whining school girl, but he was beyond caring.
Heero paused long enough to lift Duo's other leg up to join the other around his waist so that the American was held suspended between Heero's body and the wall. Duo snaked his arms around Heero's neck and closed his eyes, burying his face against Heero's shoulder and bracing himself for what was to come.
Heero stood motionless for a moment to make sure Duo wasn't going to fall, then began to move. Hard, fast, and rough, he slammed into Duo's body over and over. Like a mighty piston, he never once faltered in his rhythm. He moaned Duo's name, clutching the slender man's hip tightly enough to leave bruises.
Duo panted against Heero's shoulder, the pain of the wood digging into his back lost in the tempest of sensation pulsating throughout his body. It felt as though a raging fire was building in the pit of his stomach. Sparks exploded behind his closed eyelids each time Heero hit that special spot deep inside. His cock began to twitch, the friction generated by their two bodies sending delicious chills up his erection and through the rest of his body.
Suddenly it was all too much. The pressure that had been building in the pit of his stomach uncoiled, spreading through his body like wildfire. He bit down on Heero's shoulder to keep from screaming as he released his seed over their stomachs. His body spasmed around Heero. His lover moaned Duo's name, still thrusting deep until at last, he, too, stiffened and, with a hoarse cry, spilled himself into Duo's still trembling body.
Afterward, the two stood for a long while, Duo still hanging between Heero and the wall as each man tried to catch his breath. Duo lifted his head off Heero's shoulder, wincing as he saw the angry red bite mark there. He opened his mouth to apologize but was once again cut off from speaking by Heero's mouth, kissing him hard and deep. The kiss left him dazed as aftershocks of pleasure continued to wrack his sated body.
Slowly, they parted. With one last tug at Duo's bottom lip, Heero pulled away, smoothing back chestnut-gold hair matted with sweat. His lover's cobalt eyes burned into his own, burning away the fog clouding his mind. In a rush, the realization of who he was and he had done came flooding back. His stomach dropped out from under him as Heero gently set him on his feet, bodies still joined. Duo closed his eyes and tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. A wave of guilt washed over him even as his body shuddered in pleasure as Heero slowly withdrew from his body.
Something on his face must have alerted Heero that something was wrong. "Duo, are you all right?" he asked softly. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
Duo barely heard him. He stared straight ahead, his mind still trying to wrap itself around what had just happened.
"Oh my God," he whispered hoarsely, "what have I done?"
"You've come back to me," Heero replied, bending to kiss Duo's shoulder. "And now that I have you, I don't plan on letting you go again. I love you, Duo."
The words seemed to snap Duo out of his stupor. He turned angry eyes at his lover and hissed, "How can you say that?"
Heero stepped away, a confused look etched upon his face. "Because it's true, Duo. I… I know I didn't say that enough when we… when we were together. But I am going to change that. I'm changing a lot of things."
"Including me?" Duo shot back, bending to pick up his discarded clothing. "Heero, I don't know why you came here -"
"To take you back, of course." He stepped forward and embraced the smaller man. "I came here because I realized I loved you and wasn't whole without you. I came to fix the mistake I made by letting you go all those years ago."
"And you didn't think to consult me before deciding my future?" Duo seethed, shoving his legs into his pants and pulling them up hastily, not bothering with underwear or buttons. He reached down again and tossed Heero's clothes to him. "Get dressed," he growled, stuffing his own arms into his now rumpled shirt.
"Duo, I don't understand what you're trying to say," Heero said, quickly donning his own clothes. "Look, I've got a room at a hotel down the street. Let's go there and talk…"
Duo let out a hard, bitter laugh. "You don't get it, do you? I can't leave. I'm a priest. I'm not God. I'm human, infallible. I make mistakes." He lay a hand on Heero's arm. "You overwhelmed me. All the memories of what we had - they came flooding back the moment you touched me. For a moment you made me forget who I was - but only for a moment. I can't throw away the last three years of my life because of one lapse, one mistake."
Heero moved forward, clutching Duo's upper arms tightly. "I can't accept that, Duo. You aren't happy here."
Duo shook his head and closed his eyes. "Just because I'm not deliriously happy doesn't mean I'm not content or that I don't like my life here. I can't just give it all up. Please try to understand."
Heero's eyes narrowed suspiciously. His grip on Duo's arms tightened to the point where his fingers would leave bruises later. Duo grit his teeth and refused to wince.
"No," Heero growled, "no. I can't understand and I won't accept it. I've watched you. I know you, Duo. Possibly even better than you know yourself. You don't belong here, locked away behind these walls. I've seen the light in your eyes die a little more each day. Yes, you have your garden and the children. But there will come a time when even those things won't be enough to sustain you."
"Heero…"
"No! Everyday for the last three years I've asked myself why you left. Was it something I'd done? Something I didn't do? I know it wasn't because of some kind of higher calling. That isn't you, Duo. Shinigami. The God of Death who runs and hides and never lies, correct? Well you've run - from me, from our life together. You hide from yourself, behind these walls, behind this mask you've erected, behind that little strip of white cloth. And until you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't still love me, I will come back everyday until you are ready to stop running and come out of hiding."
Duo said nothing, simply staring into those dark blue eyes smoldering with a passion he'd almost forgotten. He wanted to lose himself in those eyes, melt into the embrace. He wanted - but couldn't have. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He'd already broken one vow tonight… why not two?
He opened his eyes and stared into Heero's, holding his gaze steady. "I don't love you, Heero. Not like I used to. Not anymore."
He could hear the breath catch in Heero's throat, saw the disbelief in his lover's eyes. Then Heero's face hardened, the mask of the soldier slipping into place as the smoldering passion in his eyes died out. He let go of Duo's arms and stepped back. Duo could feel tears burning in his eyes as Heero transformed into the man he had been during the war. He wanted to take it back, take Heero in his arms and say it was a lie. He reached out to him, only to have Heero evade his touch.
"I am sorry to have bothered you," he said, voice emotionless and flat. "I see now I shouldn't have come. Forgive me. I shall leave now. You won't have to worry about me disrupting your life again."
"Heero, don't," Duo said, reaching out to him again. "Please don't end it like this."
"Like what? You said you didn't love me. Shinigami never lies. I was mistaken once again. I'm sorry. Goodbye, Duo."
"Heero!"
But he was gone, slipping out of the door before Duo could say anything further. He stared at the back of the door for a very long moment before sinking down onto the padded bench. Tears he had tried so hard to hold back now fell freely. He buried his face in his hands, his body wracked with deep, quaking sobs. He began rocking back and forth, remembering the feel of Heero's lips on his mouth, his hands on his skin. His heart ached with a pain greater than any he'd felt before. He'd thought he'd done the right thing. But if that were so, why did it hurt so much?
"What have I done? Dear God, what have I done?"
Don't kill me. There's a sequel in the works. I promise happy endings.
Oh my god... I just wrote a fic where a guy does a Catholic priest in a confessional.... I am so going to hell. At least they weren't underage... which is more than I can say for the Catholic church at the moment. Ouch. That was bad. I think I'll stop talking now.
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