Unsaid
by DSM - The Violet Eyed Devil
//I don’t know why I’m walking out in this miserable weather. I don’t know what drove me from the warmth of the palace out into the night in search for... what am I looking for? I know I’m looking for something... someone... stupid, impractical to be wandering around in the strange hope that I’ll see him when I could quite as easily go to his apartment and visit. He’ll let me in... it’s midnight and he’ll still let me in. It could be three in the morning and he’d still let me in... He’d bitch and whine about it while he’s making coffee... black as sin and a hell of a lot more deadly... and when he’s finally dragged out of me why I’m at his doorstop at three in the morning... But no. I haven’t been to his flat in months... haven’t seen him in... is that him? What is that Baka doing out in this weather?!//
=Tired. I’m so fucking tired. And cold... but that has crap all to do with anything and I won’t explain to anyone when they find my frozen body still attached to this railing... my corpse dirtying the Princess’s perfect little park... though I doubt she comes down to this part of Sank very often. I wonder how her poor fragile heart would cope knowing there’s a drunk sleeping on that bench over there?... Guy tried to bum a smoke bout an hour ago. Would have glared at him if I hadn’t of empathised with the poor sod. Know what it’s like to be freezing my arse off with no place to go and out for anything to make the night a little less dark... course I didn’t smoke back then. Solo woulda had my... No. I’m smelling things. But the mist is heavy with that scent... gunpowder, shoe polish, some generic shampoo he’s always used, that pre fabricated stench of rose that clings to him so often these days, and that smell... I can’t name it. Don’t think I want to... and oh shit I just know he’s walking over here. His eyes miss nothing and he’ll certainly not miss the sight of one drenched Duo Maxwell leaning like a god damn Baka on a bridge at midnight... I will not look at him. And I will not pretend that I am happy to see... =
“What are you doing here?”
=Congratulations on keeping your voice cool, calm and hostile, Maxwell. You deserve a free set of steak knives for that effort.=
“What are you doing here?”
=Don’t fuckin’ repeat my questions, Yuy.= “What are you doing here?”
Silence.
An annoyed sigh.
“It’s a public park.”
“Funny. I thought the Princess owned it.”
“Then I can be here.” //Relena again. What is his problem with Relena?//
=His arrogance astounds me. I’m not giving him the satisfaction of looking at him. I’m not... shit. He’s still the same. Those eyes, that face, that golden toned skin... look at that water just dripping from that chocolate coloured weed wacker hair of his... down those cheeks... god any model would kill for those cheekbones... that jaw... that neck. Jesus, Maxwell! Your rhapsodising again. Shit... does he know what he does to me when he swipes his hair away from his face like that? Think, Duo, think. Before you stray to far into dangerous territory...=
“I don’t remember asking you over for an argument.”
=Great. Brilliant, Maxwell. Next time just keep your damn mouth shut.=
Silence.
//He makes things hard on purpose. He won’t just forget the whole sarcastic, bitter act for one moment and let me talk to... //
“What are you doing here, Heero?”
//... him. Doing here? What does it look like I’m doing?// “I’m standing on a bridge. Talking.”
=Great the guy is a fucking comedian.= “... your god damn sense of humour... ”
//Humour?// “I wasn’t making a joke.”
=Of course he wasn’t. This Heero Yuy doesn’t have a sense of humour. He packaged it nice and neatly in a box and sent it into the sun to be burnt all to hell.= “Heero... ”
Silence.
=He’s still staring out over the park like some king surveying his kingdom. Funny. Give or take a year and it probably will be. If the Princess finally learns to share.=
//What is he doing here? It’s freezing cold, he’s soaking wet and... // “It’ll rain soon.”
“Yeah.” =He’s not even looking at the sky... not that anyone can see in this mist. Not that that would stop Mr Perfect if he really wanted to.=
//Why is he standing out here when he knows its going to rain? He’s always hated... //
“You hate the rain.”
=I’m flattered... really I am. After all this time he remembers! I think I shall go home and write pages of sappy poetry in my diary to commemorate this grand event. Or not.= “Yeah.”
“You never used to.” //He used to play and dance in it... acres of chestnut silk swirling around him like a rain soaked cape. He’d drag me out there with him... //
=It’s true. I never used to hate the rain. We’d play for ages... well at least we would once I’d dragged him out into the wet with me. And then he’d get all serious and... =
//... I’d drag him in eventually and bundle him up in thick blankets because he’d be shivering... he never was good at shaking off the cold... and I’d light a fire in our tiny fireplace... //
= ... I’d be plopped in front of the pathetic excuse for a fire place we had and he’d sit next to me. It’s been so... =
//... long since we’ve done that.//
“No.” =He’s looking at me finally! My best friend is back! I can see him clearly in those beautiful eyes of his and that god forsaken stranger that’s been standing next to me is gone... and god I’ve missed seeing that concern... =
“What are you doing here, Duo?” //Why are you standing on a bridge, soaking wet, Baka?!//
“Why I am standing on a bridge. Talking?” =Shit. Sometimes I should take the foot already in my mouth out before I stick the other one in. Watch as the concern disappears... bye bye best friend... Heero looks ready to pull my intestines out through my nose.=
“Duo... ” //I forget what an annoying, little bastard he can be sometimes. Must not hit him... must not hit him... must not hit him... //
=Yup... really pissed off now. God, what am I doing here?= “I hate this god damned weather.”
//Then why are you out in it, Baka?//
“I’m sick of being freezin’ cold. This friggin mist is some half arsed attempt at rain... if it’s gonna rain it should just fuckin’ rain.” =Jesus, I want a smoke. Where is the damn packet... fucking lighter! Why the hell won’t the stupid thing... finally!=
//He is not going to fill his lungs with that poison when I’m around.// “Duo..” //There... on the ground where it should be. When did Duo start smoking?//
=Fucking bastard... murdering my smoke=. “I’m leaving.”
//Aren’t you always, Duo?// “Goodnight.”
=Is he that dense?= “I’m not talking about the park here.”
“I know.” //I’m not as dense as you think I am, Duo.//
=Of course he knows.= “I can’t stay.” =I won’t stay.=
“Why?”
“Cause I fucking hate it. The weather. My flat. Uni. Everyone is so god damn happy... everyone is doing something. I hate this city... life. I fuckin’ hate it!” =I hate that you’re not around anymore. I hate that you don’t smile at me like you used to... I miss our flat, Heero. I miss you... and I hate that you don’t give a damn that I do.=
//Oh Duo... I didn’t know... // “Where will you go?” //Don’t go, Duo. Don’t leave... //
“Anywhere. Everywhere. Nowhere. L2... ” =Ha! Nowhere... L2... same difference.=
// Why on Earth would he want to go back to... // “L2?”
“Why the hell not? Where else does a street rat go...
//You are not a street rat!//
“... when he’s had it up to there with his shit filled life? Home... ” =Because its not like I will ever have the home I want here... =
//Home?// “I haven’t heard you call L2 home in a long time.” //Has he ever called L2 home... ?//
=Have I ever called that shit hole home?=
“You love it here.” //What’s changed, Duo. You used to be so happy here... could only see the moon from Earth, you’d say.//
=Once... I loved it here... once... long ago... = “Not anymore.”
//He’s jittery, jumpy... he’s got that look in his eye before he... // “You’re running again.”
=No shit, Sherlock.= “There’s nothing wrong with running.”
“There’s everything wrong with running. Running achieves nothing.”
“It’ll achieve me getting as far away from this... ” =From you= “... as possible.”
“And it won’t happen again. Stand up to adversity. Running is weak.” //And you are far from weak, Duo... //
=Always the Perfect god damn Soldier, huh Heero?= “You know what? I don’t want to hear it. Go back to your Princess and her perfect little world and leave me the hell alone.”
//I won’t let you run from me, Duo... // “I thought friends were supposed to ignore each other’s bullshit... ”
=Bullshit?!= “Friends? Buddies? I had one of those. Once upon a fucking time. When was that. Weeks? Months? Years?”
//Duo... You know I have a duty. I thought you understood... // “It can’t be helped. Relena... ”
=ARGH! I am so sick of hearing about Relena!= “Oh, how could I forget. We wouldn’t want to interrupt Miss Relena’s perfect life. Not for little ol' Duo. He’ll always be around... here... waiting. =I can’t look at him anymore. I just can’t... = “I hate fucking waiting.”
//No... surely... is he? He is!// “You’re jealous.”
=I can hear the fucking smirk in that voice... = “Jealous? Of the Queen of the World? Give the man a prize.
//Why are you jealous of her? Duo, there’s no need... // “Duo... ”
“Forget it, Heero.” =Please just leave it alone. Shit... stop looking at me like that Heero. Enough with those baby blue... God, I need a smoke.=
“The others will miss you.” //I’ll miss you... get that filth away from your mouth, Duo Maxwell!”//
=Ah... god I need this= “They’ll get over it.” =Don’t you even think I about it, Yuy... =
//On the concrete where that poison belongs.//
“Fuck you, Yuy!” =Again with the fucking mother hen crap! You are not my mother, Heero. Keep the hell away from my smokes!=
//Stubborn arsehole// “Hn. Why leave?”
“What’s left behind to miss?”
//Too much to ask for you to even miss me I guess, isn’t Duo?//
“You... I’ll miss you.” =Shit! What did you go and tell him that for. You are a complete Baka, Maxwell. A fuckin... = “Will you miss me?”
“No.” //Yes. A thousands times, yes.”
“Oh... ” =You cold, heartless bastard... you fucking bastard... =
“What’s to miss?” //Those eyes, that smile, that laugh, your hair, your heart... //
“Heero... ” =Rip out my intestines and strangle my heart, Heero... it’d hurt a whole lot less... =
“I last saw you for more than five minutes a year, two months, five days... ”
=Jesus... = “I get the picture... ”
“... ten hours and thirty minutes and fix six seconds ago. What difference would it make?” //Do you know how much I miss you now... //
=Heero... =
“You won’t keep in touch.” //Why else would you be leaving?//
“I will.” =I can’t. Heero... please... =
“Perhaps.” //You won’t.//
=I won’t=
//He’s got a bag already packed... // “You’re leaving tonight?”
“Yeah.” =Don’t make this hard, Heero. Just let me... =
“You weren’t going to tell us.” //So like you to run and never tell us... you’re a cold bastard at heart sometime, Duo.//
“No.” =leave it alone, Heero.= “My train leaves in an hour.” =I can do this... I can’t wait for him any more... its goodbye. It has to be. But... = “Buy you a drink?” =One more chance... =
“I can’t.” //I want to. I really want to.// “Relena... ”
=Fucking Relena! Too late now, Yuy. Your last chance just went by... = “I know.”
//Duo... you... don’t leave Duo. Please don’t leave. I thought... don’t leave... //
“I’m leaving. This friggin mist is pissing me off.” =I can’t take this anymore... I got to get out of here. But... what would it hurt... oh God... I don’t want to let him go.=
//Oh Duo...don’t let go. Just let me hold you please... //
“Bye Heero.” =Goodbye=
“Goodbye, Duo.” //Please stay, Duo. Please just stay.//
=Just walk away, Maxwell. There’s nothing for you back there. Just keep walking... one foot after the other... =
“You’re really leaving aren’t you?” //No, Duo... //
“You know I don’t lie.” =Don’t turn around. Just keep walking.=
“You’ll change your mind.” //Duo... //
“Go back to your Princess, Heero.” =Leave it alone, Heero.=
//I can’t let him leave... I can’t... I... //
“What if I told you I want you?”
=Shit... No, Heero... please... =
“Or I love you.” //Please turn around... //
=Heero... oh no I will not fucking cry... Damn you, Heero!=
“Duo?” //Answer me, Duo. Please... //
=Laugh at him. Make him stop.=
“No you don’t.” =I won’t let you do this to me.=
“Nani?”
“No you don’t.” =Don’t look at me like that... I won’t let you do this to me... I won’t!=
“I do.” //Why is he laughing at me?//
“No you don’t. Go home to Relena... she’s probably ready to send the dogs out... ” =Leave Heero... just turn around and walk away... =
“Fuck Relena!”
“Fuck No! That’s your job, Soldier boy.” =Get away from me, Heero. I won’t let you get to me... =
“Damn it, Duo! Why is it so hard to believe?” //Why are you pushing me away?//
“I could imagine it.” =How many times have I dreamed it... = “It’s like some fucked up fairy tale. Life doesn’t work that way... and you’re not that stupid.”
“You think I’m stupid for loving you?”
“I think your stupid for thinking I’d believe you. After all this time... ” =I won’t believe it... I can’t believe it... =
“I want you. I lo... ”
=NO!= “You don’t.”
//I DO!// “I... ”
“You just don’t get it, do you? The white knight gets his Princess. The hero, his heroine. And the best friend plays cocker spaniel and follows faithfully looking for any small scrap of attention he can get. The hero doesn’t fall in love with the best friend. That’s not how this fucked up fairy tale goes.”
//Fairy tale?! What fairy tale... // “I... ”
“No you don’t.” =Get it through your thick skull, damn it, Heero! Leave me alone. Please... =
“God damn it! I love you! Jesus... ” //Look at me, Duo. LOOK AT ME!//
=He’s... he’s really serious... Oh Fuck... Oh Shit no! Not now... Heero not now... = “You... can’t... ”
“Why not? You’ve been in love with me since the war, Duo. You told me as much yourself. So now I can’t return the sentiment?” //I refuse to be too late! I won’t be too late!//
“I don’t believe you.” =I won’t... I can’t... =
“Duo... ”
“You can’t... you don’t... It’s too late... ”
//NO!// “Why must you make everything into a melodrama? You are so difficult.” //So damn difficult... //
“Me? Me?! I make things difficult?! You can’t do this! You don’t do this... you’re too late! You should have left it alone... ” =Please just leave it alone=
“I won’t let you run.” //... away from me... //
“You don’t have a choice! Not anymore. You’re too late, Yuy. Too fucking late!.”
//NO! I will not lose him! I won’t!//
=You can’t hurt me anymore, Yuy. I won’t let you. Don’t look at him, Duo. Don’t let him see... =
“I don’t love you.”
“Nani?!”
=Face him like a man, Maxwell.= “I don’t love you.” =Fuck... even I didn’t believe that... =
//I don’t believe him. I don’t... I won’t... //
=I can’t believe he’s got the fucking gall to act surprised!= “Surprised? Why? Are you so arrogant you think you can brush me aside... follow Relena around like the ‘Perfect Lapdog’ and then expect me to fall into your arms with a sigh and tears of joy like the good lil' queer I am? This isn’t a fucking shoujo manga, Yuy!”
//Liar!// “I don’t believe you.”
“You better start believing. One confession too late changes nothing. Now leave me the hell alone.” =Just leave you arrogant bastard! Just leave!=
//I’m a god damn pathetic excuse for a... to stand here and take this. I love you, Duo but you are a cold, heartless prick... You want me to leave... ?//
=Oh god his eyes... I can’t take this anymore... I won’t crack... I won’t let him use me anymore. He’s too late... I won’t let him win... I won’t! But I... oh shit... I hate to see those eyes... pain filled... SHIT YUY! Why can’t you go back to being an emotionless arsehole!=
“I don’t want to hurt you... ” =I don’t want you to hurt me anymore... =
//Liar! He’s a fucking liar... He wants me leave... fine... I’ll leave... //
“Heero, please don’t do this.” =Careful Maxwell. You might just be able to save a friendship if you just smile.= “We’re buddies. Best Friends... ” =Shit... he’s walking away. That’s what I want... but... = “Heero? Heero... wait!”
//No.// “Liar.”
=Oh no, you didn’t just call me a liar.= “I. Do. Not. Lie.”
“You don’t think after years of watching you... of knowing you... ”
“Knowing me?! You know nothing!”
“Liar.”
“You arrogant bastard.” =Get the hell away from me, Heero.=
“For someone who never lies, you spout off a lot of bullshit.” //Oh no. You can’t walk away until I’ve had my say... //
“Heero... ” =Leave it, Heero.=
“Duo Maxwell doesn’t need anybody, does he? He’s Shinigami, the clown, the baka.”
“Heero... ” =Shut up, you bastard!=
“... all lies. How long have you been lying to yourself, Duo? You accuse everyone around you of hiding their emotions... but you’re the master of deception aren’t you?”
“Shut the hell up, Yuy!”
“The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Duo?”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” =breathe breathe Iwillnotcry Iwillnotcry breathe breathe=
//I hate you, Duo Maxwell. I fucking hate you.// “Maybe one day you’ll really learn what it means to tell the truth." //Watch me walk out of your life. It’s what you wanted.//
=I... oh god... I didn’t want this... not like this.= “Heero... I... ”
//I will not turn around.//
=Don’t watch him walk out of your life. You wanted this... you stupid fuck, you wanted this. Damn you, Heero.= “I love you.”
//What? Oh god... //
“I fucking love you, okay?” =And its too late... It’s always too late... =
//Duo... My Duo... //
“Like some fucking fairytale.” =Hell... finally know what it feels like... =
//Duo... //
=Just walk away again, Maxwell. Just walk... oh God. Oh Godohgdohgodohgod... .=
********
Duo froze when that soft tug against his braid pulled him back against the warmth of a firm chest. The frigid weather forgotten the instant he collided with that warmth, Duo sagged... arms coming to wrap around his waist and keep his body from tumbling onto the concrete. Duo was tired... so very tired and the body was so very warm. He was so sick of fighting, so sick of waiting.
“I hate you. I hate you so damn much.”
A soft puff of air... warmth caressing his ice cold cheeks... as another nuzzled his own.
“I know.”
Arms turned him to face the bearer of the warmth and Duo refused to meet the blue eyes he knew were boring down into the crown of his hair. One finger slipped under his chin and lifted his head against his protest and violet eyes met the tear streaked eyes of Heero Yuy as the finger continued to trace nonsense patterns across frostbitten skin, brushed across rosy lips chapped from the cold, to finally tangle in a windswept, mist soaked braid.
“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you... .” The whispers were lost into Heero’s lips as they descended on Duo’s in a desperate, violent clash of years of pent up passion, only now given chance to be released. Duo’s fingers, finally allowed to give into that itch, swept into that chocolate hair and wrenched those lips closer. Two lonely figures so desperately trying to become one as they melded bodies into one another and tongues duelled, teeth nipped, hands worshipped and tears continued their journey to purge two soul’s worth of pain.
And as two hearts beat as one... two minds echoed one thought.
... Ai shiteru...
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