a change in the weather
by jana
part 10
Duo dropped me off at Penn Station at half past ten, apologizing yet again and kissing me soundly; making me vow to call him.
It had taken me nearly four hours to get home between waiting on line to buy tickets, getting information and switching trains. Having slept no more than four hours the night before, I returned home very much in need of rest. I would have crawled immediately into bed had I not been thinking about Duo's journal on and off all the way home.
I took off my socks and shoes and turned the heat up a few degrees as I passed through the living room. I reached up onto the top shelf of the hall closet and took the long hidden package down. I made my way into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed to tear the brown wrapper from it, opening the heavily taped cardboard box inside and removing the neatly folded t-shirt and sweatpants from it. Beneath them sat the book Duo had referred to as well as several drawings. The book was small; a 4X6 dark green double spiral bound sketchbook, bound at the top. I took it out first and set it aside, reaching back into the box to pull out the sketches.
There were three of them; two I immediately acknowledged were ones that Duo had not previously shown to me. The first was a fairly detailed drawing of me asleep in one of the lounge chairs out by the pool. I smiled. He could have done this one on any number of occasions during the latter half of the summer. The second was sketchier than the first and was of me at my computer. I was again unable to determine when he had drawn it or if he had simply done it from memory.
The third picture was one I vividly recalled him working on and one that I thought he had left with me at the end of last summer. It was of me naked from the waist down and very much aroused, kneeling in the center of the guestroom bed. I was not touching myself and I recalled that this had been one of the last times, if not the very last time he had asked me to pose for him. I remembered feeling more self-conscious at that sitting than I had at any of the others and thinking it odd then, that I was more comfortable masturbating while he drew me than not.
I flipped the cover of the book open and lay back on my bed to read it.
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I found myself smiling once I finished reading the last entry. I took one look back over the black lettering that covered the final page, noting again the small neatly formed letters that made up his writing. I closed the book and set it down on the bed beside me.
His words brought with them memories of last summer. I could not doubt that what he had written were his reactions to the events he spoke of, but had a difficult time reconciling his actual behavior with what I now knew he was obviously feeling or thinking at the time. I was pleased that he had been equally curious about me from the start and found myself laughing out loud when he made reference to all the times he had jerked off while thinking about me; I could totally relate.
There was a lot of regret on his part too, and for things I had hated that he said. I had wondered what possessed him to ask me about my sleeping arrangements with Vincent and then go on to make the outrageous suggestion that he had. At the time, I had not taken his words to imply jealously, but looking back on them now, I could see that that was a possibility; his ensuing comments perhaps meant to mask that. I don't know how I would have reacted if he had taken his words back, though. He never indicated at the time that he had any misgivings about what he had said. It was clear from his journal writing he had.
I think that what shocked me most was his desire to let me top him. It was not, by far, the most important revelation, but I was perhaps, the most confused by it. Certainly, none of his actions had ever hinted at that... with the exception of that night he showed up drunk, of course. I wondered why he didn't just admit that he wanted to the following morning, instead of denying it so vehemently and causing us both to lose our tempers and essentially end our relationship. Given his feelings for me, it seemed an awful lot to put himself through because of his pride.
I also had strong doubts that Duo's emotions were anywhere near as intense as he questioned in his journal, at the same time, acknowledging that it was possible that his feelings came close to that... as did my own. I was unquestionably very much attracted to him physically, as well as enjoying his company and missing him when he was not there. I was prepared to admit that whatever we had went way beyond lust or simple infatuation.
After finishing reading what he had written, I could certainly understand the disappointment he must have felt, that I had not called him. I cannot say for sure if I would have called him right away if I had read it back then, but I might have after a week or so. I felt guilty that his effort to apologize to me had gone unrecognized for so long. I knew that sending me his journal could not have been an easy thing for him to do. I could only imagine how my seeming rejection had made him feel.
I was very tempted to call him on his celphone, just to tell him that I had read it and to let him know that I was sorry that I hadn't taken the time to do so before. The fact that he was at his parent's house was the only reason I did not.
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I waited two days before finally calling him, deciding beforehand that I would not mention reading his journal at all to him. I came to the conclusion that he obviously had difficulty in expressing his feelings verbally and that putting him on the spot would probably be uncomfortable for both of us.
I called to invite him over on Wednesday morning, asking first about how the gathering with his family had gone on Sunday. We made idle chatter for a while before I brought up the main reason for my call, clearly suggesting an extended visit without coming right out and saying so. He implied that he had been waiting for me to call and that he would be here as soon as he dressed and 'threw some things in an overnight bag'. He asked me if I had any objections to him bringing a few movies with him. I, of course, did not.
I buzzed him in a little over three hours later, a little nervous but very much anticipating our initial attempt at somewhat reinventing our relationship.
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