The Beginning of Forever
There is no such thing as forever. Everything ends eventually. Life, love, time, they all have their endings as they had their beginnings. Forever is a concept that the short lived mortal minds created so that the universe did not seem so frightening. Love is forever, God is forever, the soul is forever, diamonds are forever, all are sayings with no real meaning because there is no forever.
But as fate had it, someone ended up promising me eternity. It was a long time ago on a clear day with no clouds. He told me that we would be together forever, in life and in death. In my heart, I truly wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t. He should have promised me a life time. I could have believed in that. But not eternity.
Of course, I told him that I didn’t believe in all that mumbo-jumbo about forever and that he was deluding himself. Then, much to my surprise, all he did was smile at me. A gentle smile that still haunts me to this very day.
This very day happens to be the day when he left me. Five years ago today, the love of my life, Duo Maxwell, left me.
--Five Years Ago, This Very Day--
The boarding school we were stuck in was the same as any other. Our dorm room consisted of drab walls, sparse furnishings and a lone fluorescent light to illuminate the entire room in a sickly pale color. Our schoolmates were young, innocent teenagers with more hormones than sense, our teachers were tired but dedicated adults who were underpaid and our classes were monotonous drone of things we already knew.
Duo and I were in one room, as I had wanted, and we would be here only long enough to infiltrate the sciences lab complex just a mile north of the school. Then we would pack our bags and leave, with no traces that we were ever there.
Today was the ninth day we’d been here and the morning began with the usual routine. I was up before Duo and I carefully extracted my limbs from his possessive grip. I silently padded over to my laptop and went over the mission parameters, even though I already knew them by heart. Today, we were going to get into that lab, copy their data, blow it up, and then leave. I couldn’t wait. After this mission, we were going to go to a lovely spot in the desert, courtesy of Quatre, and spend days screwing each other stupid. It brought a smile to my face.
I had been typing away at my laptop for what seemed like hours before Duo opened his violet eyes. I watched him out of the corner of my eyes as he dragged his sleepy self into the shower. My beautiful lover blew a kiss at me and walked into the shower bare assed, practically tempting me to follow. But I had some self-control left. Some.
I heard the water run and chuckled at Duo’s colorful expletives as the cold water hit his body. Duo still did not have enough patience to let the water run hot before jumping into it. He would spend approximately thirty minutes in the shower, I estimated. I only took ten minutes at most, but he did have more hair than I did. Miles upon miles more hair, delectably tinted with blond streaks and softer than the nicest silk sheets. I let my mind wander to the rest of his body, contemplating his naked form in my mind.
At that point, whatever had been left of my self-control deserted me and I practically ran to join Duo in the shower.
Duo was grinning like a fool in our first class and even I had a small smirk on my lips. The shower had turned into an erotic fantasy straight out of a classic porn flick and we had nearly missed the bell for our first class. We had dressed hurriedly into our white shirts, khaki pants and blue blazers before we tore out of our room like we were on fire. Duo had it worse than I did since he had to run and braid his hair at the same time.
But we made it in time. I wondered if I should tell Duo that his shirt was inside out.
When the day was finally over, Duo and I lingered in the student locker room in the gym, packing away the last of our belongings. Soon, we would leave and never come back. No one was in the locker room except for us and the silence lingered in the air like cheap perfume. I glanced over at Duo who had his back to the wall. He was staring at me with those bottomless violet eyes, the love he felt for me transparent and obvious.
And then he spoke the words that changed everything.
“We’ll be together forever, Heero. In life and in death. I promise you that.”
I was speechless, which was not unusual for me.
“How do you like that, Heero? An eternity with me.”
“There is no such thing.”
My voice was clipped, almost cruel in its sharpness. But Duo smiled at me, as if he understood. His eyes shifted, changing from deep, bottomless violet to light, feathery amethyst. Even as I denied him eternity, he loved me. And I loved him. I would love him for the rest of my life. That was all I could believe.
Without another word, I stepped over to him and kissed him with all the passion and love that lurked beneath my stoic surface. My lips ravaged his tenderly, my tongue invading the welcome cavern of his mouth. My hand gripped his face, supporting him when he started to slide down the wall. My left hand buried itself in his hair, anchoring him to me. I felt him clutch my arms in a desperate attempt to stay standing while my own legs bore our weight if it was nothing. I gave him all I had within me. I just couldn’t give him what I didn’t believe in.
When we parted from the kiss, Duo looked at me with those beautiful eyes and that same gentle smile. I held him to my body and inhaled his scent ripe with passion and love.
Then only three hours later, during the mission, it all came to an end. Duo died.
--Present Day, This Very Day--
I look at your grave stone and I can’t even cry. It has been five years since it all ended. Love, joy, life. You left me and everything was over.
For five years, all I saw everyday was that smile you bestowed on me during our last kiss. The look in your eyes when I tasted you last. The feel of your body when I touched you for the final time. I told you, back then, that there was no such thing as forever, didn’t I? You didn’t believe me, I know, because I saw it in your eyes.
You are gone. All I have left are memories of you. The way you smiled, the way you yelled, the way you spoke. And when I die, I’m afraid that the memories will die with me.
I touch the grave stone gently, smoothing my fingers over the marble surface. It’s so cold, not suited to your warm personality. I crouch down and press my forehead into the bold letters, ignoring the sharp indentations. I know what it says. I put on every word myself.
::As in life, so in death::
No one else really knows what that means. Sometimes, even I don’t know what it means. But I’m here today, not to decipher what’s on your grave, but to accept the promise you gave me all those years ago. I’m ready to be with you forever.
I still don’t believe in eternity, Duo. But if I don’t, I can never see you again. Never is more frightening than forever. And so, I’m going to try to believe in your eternity, your forever. The look in your eyes when they were light and feathery, that is eternal. Your gentle smile, it opens the gates to eternity. Your kiss, it is forever.
And so today, this very day, I accept your promise of forever. I will begin my journey into eternity.
I can almost see you smiling at me, holding your hand out for me. I can almost hear you say “Welcome to eternity, Heero.”
And somehow, I believe you. I still know everything has a beginning and an end, but somehow, when you say it to me now, I can believe you. So I let go and reach out for you. When we touch, eternity begins. As you promised, as I accepted. Today is the beginning of forever.