disclaimer: Don't own the boys ::sniff:: or "Adam's Song," which belongs to Blink182

pairings: 1+2+1
raring: PG-13
warnings: Suicide, songfic.

Duo's Song

Duo sat alone in his room, the one he'd once shared with Heero. He'd been crying, it was obvious. In front of him sat a paper, full of scribbling and crossed-out phrases. Some of the ink was smeared by his tears.

/I never thought I'd die alone /

A thought seemed to come to him, and he quickly scratched it onto the paper. He was writing down memories, the happy thoughts that were the glue that kept his mask together.

/I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?/

A small, sad smile crept to his lips, as he remembered the time Heero had finally let Relena have it. It had been hard for Heero, because he cared about her as a friend, and he didn't want to hurt her. That night, he'd come in to talk over his feelings with Duo, who disguised his elation at Heero's availabilty by making a joke out of the whole thing. Even after Heero had punched him in the gut, he'd kept on laughing, until the disgusted Wing pilot had turned and left the room, slamming the door behind him. Heero had left the safehouse after that, and Duo hadn't seen him since. No email, no call, no anything.

/I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder, it was never plugged in at all /

Duo had looked everywhere for his friend, hoping to make him understand that he had just been trying to lighten the mood. But Heero was impossible to track if he wanted to be.

"Just be patient, Duo," Quatre had said. But Duo found that to be the hardest thing he'd ever done. Tried to do, rather.

/I took my time, I hurried up /

'What can I do?' an anxious Duo had thought to himself. Heero was everything to him. Weeks had passed, then months, and then a year had gone by without a word from Heero. Quatre had taken Trowa and Duo to one of his mansions. 'He isn't coming back.' Then he knew what he had to do.

/The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on /

That was what brought him to where he was now, on the floor in his old room. The scrawled notes were like a seance of sorts, a dim hope that maybe Heero would realize how much Duo missed him and would come back. Maybe he could feel the memories, somehow. But Duo knew in the deepest part of his heart that it wouldn't happen.

/You'll be sorry when I'm gone /

The next memory Duo scribbled was of Duo prancing around Heero at his laptop, trying to get him to come out for a game of basketball.

/I never conquered, rarely came/

Duo gave a bitter chuckle as he thought about all the times he couldn't get Heero to do anything with him. Just once in a while, though, Duo would see a look of amusement flicker across the other boy's face. That was the only reason he continued trying at all.

/16 just held such better days/

The war had been over for a year by then, and Heero was still the stony faced soldier he always was. Duo felt like he was the bane of Heero's existence, but he couldn't bring himself to leave his friend. He had to stay, at least until he could tell him how he felt.

/Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside /

The only time Duo ever felt that Heero was really himself was in battle. Heero was always the first one on a mission, he was always ready to go. But Duo knew there had to be more. Duo thought that maybe he could relight the spark in Heero the ending of the war had put out. But it was no use.

/The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived /

They had no time to become kids again. They couldn't go back. Heero knew it, and wasn't about to waste his time trying, no matter how hard Duo pushed. 'So why did I stay around? He would never have loved me anyway.' Duo remembered that in all the time they were together, only one thing seemed to get a reaction out of Heero, and that was when Relena had proposed. Then came the end.

/I couldn't wait 'til I got home
To pass the time in my room alone/

Relena had run out, upset but too proud to cry, and Heero had actually started to confide in Duo. 'Damn! Why did I have to be such a moron?' Duo thought. 'I had my chance, and I ruined everything.' After the fight, Duo hadn't left their room for days. Quatre took care of him, but it wouldn't heal the wounds.

/I never thought I'd die alone
another six months I'll be unknown/

So it was this then. It wouldn't be so bad, really. Oh, sure, Quatre would be sad, and Trowa because Quatre was, but other than that...WuFei had long since taken off, and Heero, well...and besides. They'd get over it.

/Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again/

That safehouse had been abandoned for awhile. Why had Duo come here, anyway? It didn't matter. What he needed was nearby. This way, he wouldn't ruin the room at Quatre's, and he wouldn't bring any more misfortune to the room he was in.

/You'll close it off, board it up /

He could be replaced. There wasn't really any special part he played in anyone's lives, and the person who took center stage in his had dropped the curtain. Another memory came flooding to him. He scratched it down in the margin of the paper, which was getting rather crowded.

/Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall/

He had tried to cook for the guys, but hadn't really succeeded. The only one who ate it was Heero, and Duo had thought that maybe that had meant something. But no, Heero only yelled at him later that night, when Duo had accidentally knocked the laptop of the table. Duo had grinned like a madman, but he had been breaking inside.

/Please tell mom this is not her fault/

He didn't want anyone to hold blame for what he was about to do. It was his choice, his only way to be free from the pain his heart caused him. 'Please forgive me, Quatre, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell...Solo...' Duo scribbled down some last minute thoughts, not really memories, but his feelings for Heero. It didn't matter now anyway.

/I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow held such better days /

Duo stood at the edge of the cliff, the cliff that was an overhang under which it was perfect to hide Gundams. That's why they picked this safehouse in the first place. 'Funny,' thought Duo, 'we picked this place because we wanted to hide something, and now I come back because of something I can no longer hide.' He knew, though, that whatever waited for him would be better than living with a broken heart.

/Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside /

Duo took the paper he'd written, which was full of scribbling, and rolled it up gently. He then took the hairband from the end of his braid and tied it around the tube, making a sort of scroll. He draped his cross necklace along with it. 'Look, a diploma. You are finally graduating, finally leaving this world, and moving on to the next, Duo Maxwell.' He couldn't help but chuckle. He put the paper down, snug between two rocks. He wasn't sure why he wasn't taking it with him.

/The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived /

'This is it, then,' Duo thought, taking a deep breath. He spread his arms out then, his now loose hair following them as a gust of wind blew up against him. He looked like some sort of angel, spreading its wings to fly. 'Goodbye, Heero,' Duo thought. Aloud he said, "I love you." Then the angel of death took flight.


Heero Yuy sat in his small, dingy apartment, pecking away on his laptop as usual. It had been a year since he'd left their makeshift troupe, and he was finally convinced that they didn't matter anymore. He never even thought about them, really, except for one, and then only rarely and without emotion...he told himself. He'd known it was better this way, that he couldn't jeopordize things by letting them know how he felt about...

The doorbell rang, and Heero went to answer it. There stood a UPS man, with a small package for Heero to sign for. He complied, the took the package to his room and stared at it. Who could have sent it? No one knew where he was. Well, Quatre could have found him through connections, but he probably would have had to be looking since Heero had left.

He opened the package carefully. Inside sat a rolled, beat up piece of paper with---what's this?---a black hairband around it. And there dangled a sparkling gold chain, with a cross shaped pendant. Heero didn't even realize he was holding his breath as he unrolled the paper and began to read.

And for the first time in his life, Heero Yuy cried.

/The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait 'til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone/


on to heero's carousel

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