disclaimer: You know the drill. "Judith" belongs to A Perfect Circle.

pairing: 1+2+1
rating: R for language
warnings: Blasphemy, Angst, OOC? Songfic.

notes: Response to Goddess_of_Grunge's songfic challenge.

Hearts In Chains

I remember watching those two and feeling as if my heart would break. Hearts are strange things. They pump blood, and they swell with pride, and they burst with happiness. They can break. And theirs were breaking, right in half. I saw how much they hurt, when all they could do was cast furtive glances one another's way; as if they would burn at the hands of the powers that be should they get caught. They were chained by the "higher-ups," carrying heavy links that didn't belong on them.

/You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I will never ever choose to be/

Heero was the dark one, which is funny when you think about the fact that he was our brightest hope for survival. Everyone loved him, and his devotion to his work, and the way he always kept a cool head in battle. But he was downright frozen sometimes. He would never crack, not even when the warmest person I know next to Quatre was lighting up the sparks of feelings that we all know were buried in there. Instead, he turned away, flinging harsh words in order to protect himself. To protect both of them. What they wanted wasn't permitted. But it was breaking both of their hearts to deny themselves. I don't know if I could do what he did. I don't think I would ever want to.

/There's so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you/

Duo. He's brimming with life. He's taught this troupe of ours what it means to live, to even have lives. But the one thing he wanted most out of his was an arm's reach away, with a Bible blocking his path to it. I can't count the times I listened to him sob when he thought no one could hear him. And every time, those sobs were followed by a prayer, and a plea, and a promise to do whatever it took so that he could be happy with the one he loved. But his religion gave him no absolution. He was dropped into his faith, much like his soulmate was dropped into a man's body. And he felt trapped. Ironic, that to cleanse his soul he had to be burdened with an illegal love.

/Fuck your God
Your Lord, your Christ/

I remember the day it all fell down. I was sitting in the hangar, pretending to go over some manual, when I was really just waiting for Quatre to come back. Duo was sitting in the Deathscythe, tears running down his face from what I'm sure he thought were unrequited feelings. If only he'd known what I did. If only he'd seen what I saw. You learn a lot from people watching. And you do a lot of people watching when you're as quiet as I am.

/He did this
Took all you had
And left you this way/

Duo's love was anything but unreturned on Heero's part. Heero doted on him, in his own strange way. He never let us near Duo when he'd get injured, preferring to take care of his partner himself, and he watched him when Duo was unaware. I saw it, and I know the others did too. What I think they didn't see was the pain and longing in Heero's eyes. And they didn't hear Heero muttering to himself about the fact that a soldier shouldn't have emotions. They didn't know that he was programmed to hate. They didn't know about J and Heero's training. Duo may have had God prohibiting his love, but Heero had a half-prosthetic man dictating what he could and could not do.

/Still you prayed never straying/

I heard Duo crossing himself at the end of his prayers. He climbed down from his cockpit, with an audible sigh.

/Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why/

The hangar doors opened as Duo reached them, and Heero walked past him briskly, heading for Wing. Neither one of them seemed aware of my presence. I watch intently as Heero nodded to Duo, not even allowing himself a glance into Duo's face. Duo's shoulders slumped, and he left the hangar. He didn't realize Heero had turned and was watching him with the saddest eyes I have ever seen. My heart ached. They didn't deserve this.

/Not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side/

I had to say something. "Heero."

He looked up at me, a little bit startled. "Yeah?"

"Need to talk?"

He looked surprised. Of course he would be surprised---I hardly say three words a day, let alone invite conversation. But I needed to help. I know what it is to love, and I know what it feels like to think you aren't allowed. And it isn't anything I'd wish on anyone.

"No. I just got a message from J. He has a mission for me. It's a base, not too big. But if J says to go, I go."

"And you weren't going to tell Duo?"

/Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
Did it all for you/

"It's not important to the mission."

"You're blind, Yuy. Or in denial." I spat the words out as I jumped down from my perch in Heavyarms' cockpit. He looked taken aback, and I myself was surprised. But dammit, didn't they know what they were doing was pointless? I spun on my heel and headed for the safehouse.

I opened the door quietly, because I didn't want to disturb whatever Duo might have been doing. I thought more than likely he was praying again...he wanted the okay to tell Heero how he felt, and he was always asking his God. Almost as bad as WuFei and his Nataku.

/Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your God/

It disgusted me. I have nothing against religion, but I've always been under the impression that it was about love, not about misery. Following a deity isn't supposed to cause grief, as far as I'm concerned.

/Never taste of the fruit
Never stray Never break/

I headed to the kitchen. Since Duo's spirituality was such a private thing I figured I wouldn't be bothering him. But he was there, fingering the small gold cross he wears around his neck. He looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes. "Hi."

"Are you okay?" I asked, knowing he wasn't.

"As okay as I can be, right now."

/Never choke on the lie/

"Duo," I said, pulling a chair out and seating myself across from him. "Talking often helps."

"Yeah, but not when your situation is hopeless. I'm lost. You have the object of your affection in your arms every night." He looked down at his hands, which had stopped fiddling with the chain and had folded themselves on the table in front of him. "It doesn't matter anyway. It's not allowed." He sighed.

I bristled. "I know it's hard, Duo. But your religion can't dictate who you love."

"God saved me. The Father and Sister Helen saved me. I owe it to them."

/Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why/

I couldn't believe what blind faith he had. "But would God and the people from your church want you to punish yourself? Wouldn't they want you to be happy?"

/Not like you killed someone
Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side/

He smiled ruefully. "I know that God forgives. And if I thought things would work, I'd maybe take the chance. But..."

"But what?"

/Talk to Jesus Christ as if he knows the reasons why/

"But there's still the fact that Heero doesn't even care."

I heard a sharp, quiet intake of breath behind me. Duo didn't notice, but I knew what it was. I decided to keep him talking, so that the spy could hear what Duo felt, but I was interrupted.

"That's not true."

Duo's eyes widened as he recognized the voice. "Heero?" He turned scarlet. I looked at the stoic pilot behind me. Apparently he'd decided the mission could wait. His eyes had an unfamiliar sheen to them. I took that as my cue to leave.

Letting the door shut behind me, I found myself looking into the aquamarine eyes of my love. "Quatre." His arms snaked around my waist. We stayed that way, just reveling in each other's presence, for several minutes before I finally spoke. "The mission went all right?"

"It was a piece of cake. WuFei should be just getting in now. What happened while I was gone?" he asked, gesturing to the kitchen. We could hear Duo and Heero's muffled voices coming through the door.

"I'm not sure. I'm hoping they're relinquishing their allegiances and finally letting themselves love." Quatre's eyes widened. He and I had often talked about their "allegiances." But instead of commenting on what they might be giving up, he focused on my unusual actions.

"You're playing matchmaker?"

"Not really. I'm just trying to help. Let's get something to eat," I suggested, wanting to change the subject, and to leave Heero and Duo to more private surroundings. We didn't need to be eavesdropping, anyway.

No such luck. "We should see if Duo and Heero want anything." Quatre said, predictably. I suppressed a grin. He poked his head into the kitchen, and started. I could see over his blonde head what had shocked him.

Heero was sitting in the chair that I had previously occupied, and Duo was curled in his lap like a child. Heero was stroking his hair, whispering soothingly to his braided companion. I couldn't hear most of what he was saying, but I did catch one phrase:

"They won't control us any more."

Quatre leaned back and let the door shut quietly. "I think they'll be fine." And I smiled, knowing that he was right. Their chains had broken.

/He did it all for you
He did it all for you
He did it all for you/


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