The Biting Silence
"I can't believe that you did all of this!" Duo declares as we walk up the stairs toward my balcony. He turns to look at me with his bright beautiful eyes.
I have worked hard and I am aware that it looks good. It isn't a matter of vanity. I am fully aware that I did not create the tree; that is beyond me. But I have helped it see life and live. I have nourished each one and given love and attention.
Each plant is in a handcrafted pot. Every tree is in a meticulously created scene; some even have tiny streams with clay fisherman sitting on the banks or bridges. The pots are displayed upon intricately carved wooden pillar tables. I have spent so much of my time and given of myself, someone has finally noticed.
My eyes watch as Duo moves around my balcony, clutching the bonsai gift that I have given him. He stops at each potted tree and finds something kind to say about each one. I know that he isn't that interested, but it is so thoughtful to take a moment to do something nice for another human being.
Duo gently places my gift on the wrought iron table. It warms me to see how he treats the little tree with white flowers, as if it were precious to him.
A slight smile graces my face. Duo has noticed, not only me but my work too. He is a true friend. I will be forever grateful that his is a part of my life.
I carry his things inside hoping that he will follow. For some reason, I want him in my rooms.
"Hey Heero," he follows me through the door and takes his bags from my hand. "Are you sure you don't mind me staying with you? I know Quatre said that there were no other rooms, but I can find someplace if you are uncomfortable."
Naughty Quatre, I know that there are plenty of extra rooms for Duo to stay in. "Here, with me, is fine." I know that my voice is even and calm, but my heart wants to scream with utter joy. Duo is standing in my room.
He flops backward onto the bed. I watch him stare at the ceiling, seemingly lost in a thought. My eyes wander over him, memorizing each strand of flyaway hair and leather stitch. They come to a stop as they reach the gaudy codpiece.
Much to my dismay, I am having a very human response toward this incredible male and his decorated crotch. An immense burning ache spreads from the base of my spine bursts upward and outward, rampaging through my veins. My body shudders.
Detecting the slightest movement, I look to Duo's eyes and realize that I have been caught staring at his … bells.
He doesn't seem in the least bit bothered by this. In fact, he shows little outward emotion, which is strange for him. "So Heero, you want to talk about it?"
It is such an open-ended question. It could mean anything from why are you staring at my cock and why are you sporting a stiffy to why are you still standing up in your own bedroom?
My mind flies through the numerous possibilities as I watch him watching me.
Duo looks back up at the ceiling, "Well let me help you out. I'm going to tell you about this dream I had last night."
I sit down next to him, watching his lips as he speaks.
"I went to sleep, thinking of you, as always. My mind slips quickly into this dream. I am wandering through a forest. There is a pain in my chest that I can't explain, but I know the answer is in the trees. I become more and more frantic because I know that something bad is going to happen. I run as fast as I can, afraid that I am too late. Then I come to an empty place. It isn't like the rest of the forest because all the trees are tiny. You, Heero, are standing in the middle. I watch helplessly as you try to kill yourself over and over again. I am screaming for you to stop, but you don't hear me. I try to reach you, but there is an invisible shield around you. I can see that you are upset and alone, but I am not in there to help you."
Duo looks over at me again, his eyes reflect the concern and worry that I hear in his voice. "I got up right away and took the first shuttle here, wearing the only clothes that were within reach. You have no idea how scared I was." He sat up, "My dream is right, though, isn't it? You are trying to self-destruct again. For God's sake Heero, you didn't even have any food on your plate at breakfast! When was the last time you ate a full meal or gotten a proper nights sleep?"
I look away, down at the floor, how could his dream be so accurate? Oh yes, we are connected through the soul. What I do to myself, I do to him. It is such a vulnerable feeling. It is one thing to think about killing yourself; it is a whole different story when your soulmate knows. The one person who will stop you, even at the expense of his own life. I have really screwed up.
He sighs at my lack of response and begins the task of untying his boots. "Alright, Mr. Yuy, I am going to get a shower. I want you to rest, maybe even take a nap and then we will talk about this."
I feel defeated, raw, and totally exposed. Somehow, I know that I have made him sad. He is disappointed in the both of us.
"I'm sorry." The words are little more than a whisper from my lips. "I just … I don't know what I have done wrong."
Duo draws in a long breath. "Well, why don't you tell me what has been going on around here and maybe we can figure this out together. Just say what comes to you, I won't laugh or anything."
The silence is deafening as I struggle to articulate my feels. But he waits patiently, watching my every movement. "I am invisible. This house is full of people and no one sees me. My words are lost and fade into thin air. My greetings, comments, and observations go unnoticed. Even my friends don't seem to notice, I am in pain and I need them!"
He gently reaches over and strokes the back of my hand. "They are pretty focused on each other, but that is normal. You know, with them being in love and all. I know that none of them would purposely ignore you; they are good people. Depression has a terrible way of making people feel helpless and alone. I'll talk to them, okay? I am sure that this is a lack of understanding. They really do care about you and love you, too."
I feel the pain and anger that has crushed my heart over and over again. "I am standing right here. I am out on that balcony with my trees and no one sees me. Even in creating beauty, it isn't good enough to notice! Quatre and Trowa compose beautiful music; Wufei and Zechs are stunning with their sword work, they are all amazing. What I do and what I am means nothing. I am not good enough. Nothing I do is."
"Oh Heero." Duo's arms rap around me tightly. I hate the grief and pity in his voice. But I have just made such a fool out of myself; my words sound so childish, no wonder he feels sorry for me. "That's not true! You are wonderful and your trees are so beautiful, they really are. And so are you. Gods, but you are the most precious thing in the world to me. It kills me to see you like this."
My comfort is found in the crook of his neck. His scent fills me with warmth. The fall of his silken tresses over my face give me a reason to feel again. His hand gently stroking my back gives me a sense of being understood. This is my home.
But a long forgotten question makes its presence known. My heart now knowing why these things hurt me so bad.
"Then why did you leave me?"
I feel his grip on me tighten in response. A part of me really didn't want to know the answer to my question, but my heart was dying to know. Literally.
He is quiet for a moment. Fear runs its cold fingers over my skin. I know that I am shaking in his embrace.
"You listen to me, Heero Yuy, I never meant for you to think that I left you. I would never do that and I can't believe after all that we have been through that such a thought ever crossed your mind." His warm voice and words instantly calms me. I rest my cheek on his shoulder, allowing my lips to tease his neck. "That will never happen. I only felt like you needed room to discover your own wants and needs without me hanging around all the time."
"I don't understand." And that is the truth; he is confusing the hell out of me. Not that I mind because he is holding me and my face is buried in his hair. Some massive explosion right now could blow us away, and all I would think is that this is a good way to die.
"Look Heero, all of your life, people have used you as an object, as something to carry out their needs. The scientists and their cause used your skills and natural abilities, then drove out any of your humanity that they could. Even during the war, your humanity was thrown out the window because of the selfishness of others. Treize used you to carry out his plans and then you ended up being his beacon of hope. Zechs used you to carry his honor when he was losing his own. Then, there was Relena, willing to use a complete stranger as her strength. You were an object to these people, deprived your of wants and needs to carry out theirs. I only wanted to give you time to discover Heero Yuy and his needs."
I snort softly into his neck. "Heero Yuy needs Duo Maxwell."
"Hey, I'm sorry Heero, for staying away so long. I never heard from you so I didn't think you were ready for us yet. You know?"
Following my deepest feelings, I pull my face from his neck and move my lips around to his. I kiss him very gently on his lips, taking my sweet time to express my happiness in seeing him. He is returning the soft pressure; we are sharing this moment together, our very first shared kiss. A tingling sensation runs from my lips all the way to my cock. So this is the simple joy of being aroused by love. My toes curl as the waves of erotic vibration course through my body. This is perfect.
I end it by brushing a "Thank you." against his lips.
Duo smiles at me, "For what?" His fingers and eyes are drawn to my lips.
"For knowing what it truly means to love someone. For loving me; for leaving when it was so hard but for doing what was best. For jumping on a shuttle in this outfit just to make sure that I don't kill myself."
Duo blushes. "Anything for you, Heero." He takes my hand and lifts it up. Then he flips my hand and presses his lips to the inside of my wrist. That one very light kiss could be felt throughout my entire body. I am fascinated how his simple actions can make my toes curl. "Now, since our friends are so focused on each other, why don't we do the same? We have so much catching up to do." He leers at me from over my hand. "So many things to try …"
I swallow hard as I realize just what kind of things we will be trying; there is so much for me to learn. I wouldn't do such things with anyone but Duo.
Duo jumped up, "Hey Heero, lets go on a trip. Just you and me! Lets go back to the Ren Faire! We'll pick out an outfit for you and everything!"
I know my eyes were bugging out of my head as I eyed his outfit again. "You want me to dress like that?"
Duo turns toward the bathroom door and peeks back over his shoulder, "Naw, you couldn't carry it off!"
I know that he is teasing, but I just up after him anyway watching him disappear. "If you can, I can!" I ran into the bathroom and look around, I don't see Duo.
Then I hear the bathroom door shut behind me. I spin around to find Duo leaning against it, pinning me with a grin as he locks it.
I am now trapped in a bathroom with Duo Maxwell. The man who is about to shed all of his clothes and get into the shower, absolutely naked.
Oops … there go my toes again ….