The red glow from the burning buildings looked just like peaceful city lights. If I imagined hard enough, I could convince myself that the scarlet flames reflected through Wingís monitor were nothing but cheerful night lights of a city. The glow permeated through the visual monitors, traversing the electronic distance and casting a red radiance in my cockpit.
// Can you still see your dreams in the distant, starry sky? //
I donít look up at the night sky and stare at the stars. They are nothing but burning gasses, not the romantic thing poets make them out to be. I donít compare my loverís eyes to these twinkling space objects, I donít wish upon a shooting star. But I do look at the starry sky when I think about Duo, but not because the sky reminds me of him. I only look to discern where he could be, whether he was in Deathscythe raining fire and death on the enemy or if he was resting quietly at some hiding place. Iím not romantic, just practical.
That is why I donít see the stars in the sky. I only see a directional map that leads me to my lover.
// Are they more vivid than they were when you were little? //
The red glow is fading, the fires having long consumed the viable tinder and fuel that had earlier this day been buildings. But I prefer to think that dawn is approaching and that the city is powering down to prepare for the morning. Artificial lights dying down for the benefit of the glowing sun. Not the fires of war. I refuse to remain here and see the wreckage I have created for the ideal of peace. I used to dream about peace, long ago, when ideals were still reality, a possible future. But now, I dream about something more tangible, something more precious. I dream without the rose tinted glasses that made the world blur into a soft scarlet. I dream about Duo.
// When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in his heart to sleep, they burn the color of passion. //
I fly away, leaving behind the red, red dawn. I wonít check the news to see if my mission was complete, for I already know I have done enough damage to consider this mission a complete success. For now, I want to forget about the war, my gundam and the fires of hell that I left behind. I just want to return to where my lover is, look deeply into his eyes and lose myself in violet passion. I want to forget the scarlet.
// I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were. //
All those years of training without a complaint, my past filled with military and terrorist tactics that used mean something to me. They were my means to reach an ultimate goal of peace, to reach the dream I used to have. I believed that I could do it all myself, make a difference in this world. But I see now that there is nothing I can do by myself to stem the tides of war. Peace cannot be won by one person alone. Iíve thought about peace a lot lately, the word that everyone strives for. Relena believes in it with all her heart and pours every ounce of her being into its fruition. She truly believes that the dream of peace can be a reality, that she can achieve it. In that respect, she is a stronger and a better person than I am. I used to have her conviction until I started fighting. I used to be her, only with a gun and a machine of mass destruction, before I fell in love with Duo.
// But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart. //
The fires are far behind me and only the light dawn filters through the monitors. Soon, my cockpit will glow red again, but this time from the morning sun, not from the other fires. My dreams of peace, as much as I cherished and loved them, are no longer what I strive to achieve. Peace has a new champion, someone who holds it as precious to her heart as I hold Duo to mine. Relena can be the person that I was, the one who fought for peace. As for me, I have a simpler truth now - a pair of curiously purple eyes.
Some would say that Duo is not as important as peace. I beg to differ. Without him, or me, or the others, Relenaís dreams of peace would be nothing but a fragment of her imagination. So he is as important as peace, just like me, just like everyone else. Itís just that, to me, Duo is more important than just as an element for bringing peace. He is my small piece of peace.
// Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose, so then why are we destined to dream? //
Iím getting closer to where Duo is. I can hear the punctuated beeps of my gundamís computer telling me that Iím near. Trusting in my machine, I close my eyes and bring forth the image of my love. I know that he could die in this war. He knows that I can die, too, even if he tends to get vocal when I try to speed up the process. But really, we know how fleeting we are in the war. I could have died today, he could die tomorrow. But that doesnít stop me from dreaming about him. Once I let go of peace as my savior, he stepped in and took over. And I donít mind at all. After all, Iím not emotionless, Iím not some machine that canít feel. I need to be loved, I need to dream, just like everyone else. Even if my love and dreams can come down crashing around me in a shower of anguish, just like those buildings did earlier. I can bear it, if only to hope that I can rebuild.
// Sometimes two dreams can turn into love, but there are also times when they can't. //
I thought, before I fell in love with Duo, that maybe Relena and I were destined to be together. She and I shared the same dreams of peace and we fought for it; me with my guns, her with her words. But we were too alike in our intensity and I realized that neither of us could put the person before the ideal. We could love the dream, or we could love each other. Relena chose to love her dream. I did, too, but by that time, my dreams had changed. Roses are red, just like blood and peace. Violets are blue, just like my loverís eyes. I chose the violets.
// Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard. //
The cockpit has faded into darkness lit only by the monitorsí eerie mechanical glow. But at least Iím not awash in red anymore. The mellow colors that surround me cannot be described, but they are more soothing to me than the scarlet. And well, soon, Iíll be rejoined with the one who brings me peace. I will share my innermost feelings and my body with him, telling and showing him what I feel. It is not as easy as I make it sound, of course. I have my insecurities, he has his. We love each other, dream of each other and know that we love each other, but still, we have those moments of fear and insecurities. Only he can hurt me beyond repair. And only I hold the key to his destruction. Those are responsibilities that are heavier to bear than any mountain. We are responsible for each other as much as to ourselves. So, sharing is hard sometimes. Who isnít afraid of pain? Who can deny that they hurt? Not me. Not him. Thatís why the entity I call Ďusí is more precious to me than peace. ĎUsí is hard, too. ĎUsí is a fight, too. But unlike peace, Ďusí will last forever.
// Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife. //
I think the sun is rising, but Iím not going to open my eyes to check. Some say every sunrise is different, special and beautiful. I donít doubt their words, but sunrises donít do anything for me. They are too red. Hurt my eyes. But thatís neither here nor there. All I want to do now is fall into Duoís arms and rest. I want to hear him say that he loves me and I will tell him that I love him. We donít dance around those words like rabbits around the bush anymore. Our reluctance to say those words cost us a lot in the past from hurt feelings and misunderstandings. We always knew, of course, how one felt about the other without words. We knew, but that wasnít enough after a while. We all need affirmation, proof of love. Words can hurt, but they can heal, too. Good thing that Duo and I figured that out before we self-destructed.
I felt the light jolt when Wing finally touched the ground and settled. Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw the scarlet sunrise peeping through my side monitors. I peered out, craning my neck slightly to see. The colors were all in red, just like those fires. My imaginary city lights from before came flooding back to me. For a small moment, everything glowed red again and my eyes filled with unshed tears. Then my hatch opened, the key code punched from the outside while I got lost in the redness. My vision filled with blue violet orbs, smiling at me, leaning towards me.
I dream in violet. The scarlet fades and peace settles over me.