Disclaimer: I still don't own GW. how strange..

Genre: parody, humor
Pairings: 1x2x1 still... working on others..
Warning: this is supposed to be funny... so excuse the wild OOC-ness, the puns, the jokes..

Note: the madness continues... just as a sidenote, this part is rather twisted...

Part 3
by 0083

The fear and the dread were palpable in the atmosphere. The Gundam Five were sweating, their hands clammy. The task that lay before seemed too awesome, too frightening.

“Do we have to do this?”

“Heero, we are superheroes. We fear nothing.”

“Then why is your voice shaking, Wufei?”

“Let’s just get this over with! The faster we do it, the sooner it’s over and we can go back to our normal lives.”

“Easy for you to say, oh feared leader.”

“Shut up and suck it up, Duo.”

Still, hands shook, teeth chattered, bodies shivered. After all, they were facing one of the greatest challenges known to man.



“Property damage liability insurance? Aren’t we immune to property damage claims? I mean, we are defending lives here. What’s a little building here and there?”

Duo was practically steaming. How dare the people they protected with their lives claim that superheroes would be liable for destroying a few buildings and other landmarks during their fight with evil?

After all, every superhero incurred some property damage while fighting. How else could they fight? Ask the villains to move it out of city limits?

“Health insurance? Why do we need that?”

“Think about it, Wufei. We are bound to get hurt a lot fighting evil. Besides, I don’t want to be stuck with all the hospital bills.”

“But you’re rich, Quatre. You can pay for everything.”

“Just fill out the forms, Wufei. It won’t kill you.”

Heero was doing just that while Wufei grumbled about injustice. They would be fighting the Peacecraft soon - or as soon as they figured out where he/she was. So it would be prudent, if not downright practical, to have some insurance in case anything bad happened.

At least, that’s what he wanted to think.

In the end, the superheroes decided to do the task as one. They weren’t getting anything done.

“Okay. Have we have had any of the following conditions. Raise your hand if you have.”

“Right, Quatre. Shoot.”

“High blood pressure.”

Five raised hands.

“Who wouldn’t have high blood pressure in our line of work? Especially living in this hideout (or hall, or whatever) with the rest of you.”

Four hands smacked Duo. Poor Duo.

“Broken bones.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“I’ll take that as a yes for all of us then. Okay, next.”

“The hell with next, Quatre. You know we probably had all those conditions at one point or another.”

“Maybe you have, but I certainly haven’t had ‘menstrual problems’. Something you’re not telling us, Duo?”

For once, Duo refused to reply. Heero looked over at his lover/sex toy/soul mate/boyfriend/ one and only/etc,. etc., in concern.

“Anyway, continuing on.. oh, hell, they only gave us two lines for ‘other conditions.’ Wufei, get a notebook. We need to fill out the ‘other’ section.”

“Why am I always fetching things? I tell you, it’s inj-”

“Say it and I’m going zero system on you.”


“Heero, you go first. Any conditions the form hasn’t provided?”

“Chemical inhalation followed by severe mutation.”


“How do you think I got my powers? Remember, there are only three ways to become a superhero. One, mutation. Two, alien heritage. Three, stinking filthy rich.”

“You know you’re pigeon-holing a lot of people there, Heero.”

“He’s right though.”


“Just agree with me for once Wufei.”

“I can never agree with someone so.. girly, Maxwell. Besides, you’re wrong!”

“How so?”

“The Green Lantern.”

“Alien heritage right there.”

“Hey, Green Lantern is human!”

“With an alien ring.”

“Fine. Wonderwoman. She’s human.”

“Not true. She’s some Amazon something or other. Besides, women ARE, by definition, alien creatures.”

“You do have a point there.”

Ah, how easily Wufei fell into the misogynistic logic hole.


“I’m not sure if anyone will give us health insurance.”

“Why not, Quatre? After we worked on the forms all day, we should be okay.”

“Yeah, but we have had every single condition listed, plus the eighty pages worth of stuff under ‘other’ category. This looks bad.”

“How bad?”

“Well, let’s see. Besides the normal conditions, we have chemical mutation, biological mutation, radioactivity, allergies to various alien objects,tendencies to go insane, and the list goes on. Our premiums are going to be ridiculous.”

“But you’re rich so we’re good, right?”

“Trowa, I doubt even I can cover this. Do we have an expense account?”

“We would, if we were paid by someone.”

Sigh. Superheroes had such a thankless, not to mention incomeless jobs.


“So tell me once again. We need insurance because..”

“We get hurt a lot, Duo. That’s why we need a health coverage program. You’re not going to trust Medicare to take care of your bills, are you?”

“Gods, no.”

“And since we are most likely to destroy fair amounts of the cities we’re going to save.. Property insurance is good.”

“I still don’t think we need it.”

“You want to deal with lawyers or insurance forms?”

Duo shrank back while Heero soothingly touched Duo’s back.

“No need to scare the spandex off him, Quatre. That was cruel.”

“I don’t wear spandex, Heero.”

“You will tonight.”

“Only if you use the chains.”



Finally, the insurance was taken care of. Now all they had to do was face the Peacecraft. The Gundam Five were confident about the battle with the Peacecraft. After all, they had conquered the evils of insurance forms. They could deal with threat to humanity, no problem.

Unless the Peacecraft was a lawyer.

Then the world would have to fend for itself.


on to chapter 4

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