Why Should I Cry For You?
by Caroline
//Under the dog star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North, north west, the stones of Faroe//
The already bright afternoon lit up with a blazing flair as a giant explosion rocked the armory base. The air
was pierced by the shrill screams of sirens and deployed mobile suits as acrid smoke turned the sky gray with ash.
Heero gripped the controls of his Gundam as he tore two enemy mobile suits in half. The mission was a
simple search and destroy. All five Gundams had been sent to destroy the armory base in Hiroshima before the
weapons stored there could be used to resupply OZ troops. Simple enough - or it should have been. They hadn't
been expecting this many mobile suits to be stationed at the base.
Of course not, Heero thought as he turned to pick off another enemy. We were fed false information.
"Oi, Heero. Something tells me they were expecting us," came the annoyingly chipper voice of Duo Maxwell
from the cockpit of his Gundam.
"Are the weapons even here?" asked Quatre as he and Trowa tag teamed another of the enemy suits.
"There is something here," replied Wufei in his precious Nataku. "My instruments are picking up a large
amount of explosives in the far hanger."
"Then that's what we aim for," said Heero stoically as he changed direction.
From his position in the cockpit, Heero could see Duo's Deathscythe swing his energy weapon, slicing
through two mobile suits with ease. "Heero! Wait a minute will ya?"
"There's no time Duo," the short-haired pilot exclaimed, heading for the hanger.
Before the braided pilot could respond, a heavy klaxon filled the cockpits' speakers. The roof of their target
slowly opened to reveal several large missile silos, all armed and pointed at them.
"Shit! It was a trap!" exclaimed Wufei.
Heero opened his mouth to call a retreat when he was interrupted by a voice taking the place of the klaxon
wail on the speakers.
"Attention, Gundam pilots," came a woman's voice, hardened from years of bitter fighting. "We have you
locked on target. If you don't wish to be destroyed, surrender yourselves and your Gundams immediately!"
"Are they crazy?" Quatre asked incredulously. "An explosion of that caliber would destroy half the city."
"We cannot surrender! Even our Gundams couldn't take that many missiles at near point blank range,"
exclaimed Wufei, setting his Shenlong near Heero's position.
Trowa's voice was the next one over the monitors. "We have to retreat."
"But if we do that, they'll fire!"
Heero could tell from the tone of his voice that Duo was remembering something from his past... afraid
something similar might now happen to the civilian city below. A light flashing on his panel caught his attention.
"Minna, wait," he ordered as he read the data printing itself on the screen. "The missiles aren't aimed at us.
They're aimed directly at the city."
"What?!"
"How could they..."
"I don't believe it!"
"Spineless dogs!" Wufei snarled. "They're going to fire whether or not we surrender."
"Why would they kill their own people?" Quatre asked in disbelief.
"To blame us," Trowa replied evenly. "If we surrender, we're to blame. If we escape, the colonies are to
blame. Either way..."
"It gives Oz a reason to declare war against the colonies," Heero finished flatly.
"No. All those people..." Duo's voice cracked. "I can't let that happen."
//Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
But would north be true?//
Duo glanced towards the helpless city. Several thousand men, women and children resided there. Though all
were citizens of Earth, they were innocent of this war between Oz and the colonies. They were merely pawns in
Oz's sadistic game. And there seemed to be no way to stop it. Unless...
The Deathscythe pilot realized there was only one thing to do: destroy the silos and missiles before the
warheads detonated. And there was only one way to do that...
Self-detonate.
"Guys, keep 'em busy!" he called as he willed his Gundam into action.
"Duo! Bakayaro! What are you doing?" shouted Heero as he blasted a suit heading for Wufei. When the
violet-eyed pilot didn't answer, Heero felt a sinking sensation in his stomach. "Duo! Answer me!"
"I've got to stop it, Heero," came the strangely calm voice of the braided pilot. "I can't let all those innocent
people die."
Heero saw the Deathscythe Gundam heading steadily towards the missile silos which were preparing to fire.
"How in the hell do you think..." Then it all became clear. He knew what Duo was going to do.
"Duo!!" He screamed the other boy's name as he charged through a line of enemy suits, not caring whether
he destroyed them or not. His focus was on his braided baka. Nothing else mattered. "Duo! You can't!"
"I have to Heero. There's no other way." This time the voice that haunted Heero's dreams shook with
emotion.
Heero charged after his friend, hoping to reach him in time but know he'd never make it. Duo's Deathscythe
was almost to the hanger. As he pushed his own Gundam forward, Heero saw Duo bring his suit down into the
center of the missile complex.
"Duo! Please!" The word felt alien in his mouth but he couldn't let Duo do this, no matter what the cost.
They'd only just found each other. He couldn't let Duo go before he had a chance to tell him...
The beautiful face he'd become so obsessed with appeared on the screen in front of him, large violet eyes
filled with tears and speaking volumes of emotion. "Heero... I'm so sorry." Another light on his screen flashed. The
missiles were ready to be fired. They were out of time.
Duo's eyes held his to the last. "There was so much I wanted to tell you. Oh, Hee-chan, I lov..."
The screen went dead as the world around him erupted in a blaze of liquid fire. Heero felt himself being
thrown back against his seat as Wing was tossed unceremoniously aside due to the force of the explosion.
For a long moment he lay on the ground, too stunned to move. As he came to his senses, he gingerly picked
himself and his Gundam off the ground. Nearby, the other three Gundams were doing the same. None of them
seemed to have suffered too much damage. But Heero barely noticed. His eyes were on the flaming wreckage
where Deathscythe had been standing.
There was no sign of him.
Duo's suicide ploy had worked. The armory was almost completely destroyed, but the city was still standing.
Ignoring the stinging sensation in the corners of his eyes, Heero rushed forward. He shifted through the wreckage
looking for signs of life... any sign that Duo might have survived.
But... there was nothing left.
Clutching the cockpit controls so tightly his knuckles turned white, Heero clenched his eyes shut. His soul
was screaming in pain as if it had been ripped in two. He threw his head back and allowed his voice to echo his
soul's cry.
"DUUUUOOOOOOOO!!!!"
//All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting on empty seas
For all my days remaining//
Heero pushed his way through the crowd of curious bystanders and snuck past the police barricades that
had been erected around what was left of the armory. The base was crawling with both civilians and military
rescue personnel looking for survivors of the battle. A makeshift triage unit had been set up nearby. Heero
decided to try there first. The worst of the wounded would be taken there first.
A large open tent had been set up on the runway. Tables upon tables of wounded soldiers were lined up
underneath. Heero ran up and down the rows, looking for a familiar figure with a long, chestnut braid.
"Excuse me. May I help you?"
Heero turned to see a pretty little civilian nurse standing beside the bed of an injured man heavily wrapped
in bandages.
"I'm looking for my fr... someone. He was on the base when..." His voice trailed off.
The nurse picked a chart up off the makeshift bed. "Are you family?"
His chest tightened at the word. He'd never had a real family - until he'd met Duo. The loud mouth American
was brash, overly hyper, and too damned excitable for his own good. And yet... he couldn't imagine his life without
Duo. He didn't want to imagine it.
"Yes," he replied simply. "He's the only family I have."
"What is his name?"
Heero hesitated. He couldn't give Duo's name. Oz would find out he was here. Heero suddenly found himself
speechless for the second time in his life.
Something in his eyes must have spoken to the girl. Her face softened in understanding. She took his arm
and drew him away from any prying ears.
"He wasn't stationed at the base was he?" she asked softly. Heero opened his mouth but she shook her
head. "No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Can you describe him to me?"
Heero's eyes grew distant. "Shorter than me. Slender. Big, violet eyes. Long chestnut hair with streaks of
copper, worn in a braid."
The nurse's cerulean eyes filled with sad compassion. "Gomen nasai. There's no one here with that
description."
Heero felt his heart clench tight in his chest. No. Please no...
"Demo... if it makes you feel any better... there's no one in the morgue area matching that description
either." The nurse looked out towards the ruined base. "There are still people searching. Your friend may still be
found."
Heero nodded and turned away, taking a step toward the ruined armory. A small hand reached out and
grabbed his arm. "Matte!"
Heero turned. "If your friend is found, who should I tell him is looking for him?"
Someone who loves him, came the silent answer from the depths of his mind. "Heero. Tell him Heero wants
him to come home soon."
The young nurse nodded. "My name is Yanagi. I will tell him. I hope you find him soon, Heero-san."
"Arigatou," said Heero as he broke into a run for the hanger where he'd last seen his companion.
There wasn't much left of the building. Rescue volunteers were shifting through the rubble, but he could tell
from their conversations that they weren't expecting to find anything. No one should have been near the missile
silos at the time of the explosion.
No one except Duo.
Making his way over a collapsed wall, Heero found himself face to face with a large charred chunk of metal.
It was so disfigured that it took him a moment to realize just exactly what it was - the lower half of Duo's
Deathscythe. He suddenly felt like he was going to throw up. He scrambled over it, calling Duo's name. He left not
a single sheet of metal or piece of rubble unturned, but there was no sign of his braided baka. And no sign of the
top half of the destroyed Gundam. It was as if it had been obliterated.
NO! He would not think that. Duo wasn't dead. He couldn't be...
A glint of light dancing off a piece of metal caught his attention at his feet. He bent down, brushing ash off
the object as his heart seemed to stop beating. He picked up the small piece of metal with a trembling hand, any
hope of finding the violet-eyed pilot shattering.
"Duo..."
In his palm lay a small blackened cross...
//Would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?//
The setting sun cast blue-black shadows over the windswept hillside. Four figures stood together on the
gentle slope, bathed in the liquid gold of the early evening light. Before them stretched miles upon miles of an
untamed green Eden. But the four young men gathered around a tall stone marker barely noticed.
Wufei stepped forward and lit the incense stick at the base of the marker. He placed his hand flat on the
cool stone upon which was carved simply "Duo Maxwell".
"A valiant fight, Maxwell," he said quietly. "You will be missed."
He stood up and stepped back, allowing Trowa to take his place in front of the marker. The green-eyed pilot
didn't say anything but merely bowed his head in respect.
Quatre was next but the poor boy could hardly speak through the tears streaming down his face. "I'll
m...miss you... D... Duo..." he managed to sob before Trowa helped the overly distraught boy to his feet. The three
boys waited expectantly for the forth to take his turn to say farewell. But Heero Yuy didn't move. He simply stood
watching the sunset, avoiding even looking at the stone marker that had been erected in Duo's memory.
Duo's memory, he thought bitterly. That's all I have left now. There wasn't even anything left of him to
bury. Just his cross... He clutched the twisted piece of metal tightly in his hand until he felt the sharp, jagged
edge pierce his skin. Blood trickled out of his clenched fist and spilled to the ground.
"Heero, it's time to say goodbye," Trowa said gently behind him.
Heero closed his eyes as a strange moisture began to form in the corners. He shook his head. "No. There's
nothing here to say goodbye to."
"Heero..."
"No!" He whirled on them. "This was a stupid, sentimental idea. I don't even know why I went along with it.
This is a war. People die. It happens all the time."
"But Duo..."
"I'm going back to the house," he said curtly as he began to walk swiftly back down the path that had led
them there, not caring if the other pilots were following or not. They had a new mission waiting for them and it
was time to put the past behind him.
//Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless falling,
For all my days remaining,
What would be true?//
The mission had not gone well - again. Oh, it had started off smoothly enough: go in, destroy a mobile suit
production facility, get out. But when the fighting started, Heero froze. All he could see before him was an endless
replay of Duo's Deathscythe self-detonating in that missile hanger. It was only by sheer luck and Wufei's quick
thinking that Heero made it out alive... though he would have been perfectly happy if Wufei hadn't knocked him
out of the way of an oncoming suicidal mobile suit.
So now he was lying wounded in his bed - his and Duo's bed - with Duo's scent still on the sheets
surrounding him. But this time there was no pair of worried violet eyes gazing down upon him, no set of hands
running gently over his skin to check for injuries. There was only the cold, empty spot next to him where Duo
once slept. Yes. He should have died today. He wished he had.
*Bakayaro! Do you think the others wouldn't care if you died?*
No. Trowa, Quatre and Wufei would carry on the fight without him.
*Do you think I wouldn't care?*
But you're gone now, Duo. You're beyond caring, he thought in reply. He rolled onto his side and clutched
Duo's pillow to his chest. A poor substitute for you.
Once again he felt an unfamiliar stinging in his eyes. Dammit! He pushed himself out of the bed, ignoring the
bruised ribs. Hastily he drew his familiar green tank top over his head and stalked towards the door.
"Duo is dead," he said firmly to himself as he walked silently through the dark halls of Quatre's house.
"There's nothing you can do to change that. You need to get on with your life, Yuy."
Then why can you not forgot? his inner voice asked. Why do you allow him to follow you?
//Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?//
*Ne, Hee-chan? Push me?*
*That doesn't look like it will support your weight.*
*Mou, spoilsport. C'mon. See? It'll hold. Push me!*
*Duo, I'm not going to push you. It doesn't look safe.*
Duo stuck his little cherry tongue out at his lover before pushing off on the old swing in Quatre's garden.
*You're no fun! Fine. I'll do it myself.*
Heero watched warily as the braided boy swung into the air, climbing higher and higher with each pass. His
violet eyes danced with laughter as he sailed through air. Heero sighed and was about to turn away when he
heard a loud crack. Reacting instinctively, the Japanese boy dived at his lover, catching him as the old rope
broke, sending them both to the ground in a tangle of limbs and hair.
Heero lay still for a long moment, enjoying the sensation of Duo's weight on top of him. He would have
been content to lie there all afternoon but the loud mouth American spoiled the mood.
*Oi, Heero. You ok?*
*.....*
*Heero?* Real concern crept into Duo's voice.
In reply, Heero flipped Duo onto his back and pinned the braided boy to the ground with his body.
*Baka!* he growled. *You never listen to me. You could have been killed!*
Duo merely laughed. *But you were there to save me, Hee-chan.*
*I may not always be there, Duo,* he replied without thinking. He instantly cursed himself as he saw the
hurt expression on Duo's face. He sat up, pulling the smaller boy with him.
*Gomen, Duo. I didn't mean...*
*No, it's ok,* his violet-eyed lover interrupted. *I understand.* But the sadness in those eyes remained.
K'so! he thought to himself as he looked at the other boy. In the late afternoon sun, Duo looked like some
sort of wood nymph with his long limbs stretched out in front of him and bits of leaves stuck in his chestnut hair.
Heero felt both his chest and his groin tighten as he drank in the sight. Dammit, Duo. What is this power you have
over me? he though angrily as he reached forward and plundered Duo's mouth with his tongue.
They had made love right on that very spot. Tender and sweet... yet at the same time passionate and hot.
Heero stared down at the grass where he had slowly undressed Duo, remembering how the setting sun had
washed over his lover's skin as his own body followed. All at once the memory was too painful, and he turned his
head to the stars. Duo had taught him the beauty of the night sky as well. But now the stars were black and
cold.
He pushed himself slowly in the swing with his toes. He and Duo had replaced the old one the next day out
of guilt for breaking it. Though if Quatre and Trowa had wondered why it had taken them six hours to do so, they
had never said anything.
Unwilling memories kept flooding his mind. The day they had replaced the swing... the first night they had
been together when Heero had taught his young partner the difference between making love and sex... the night
at the dance club when Duo had taught him the difference between obsession and possession. Duo's laugh, his
smiling violet eyes, the way he could brighten a room with his jovial personality just by entering it...
Heero felt his breath catch in his throat as he tried unsuccessfully to push the memories from his mind. Duo
was gone. Irrevocably gone. Then why did he feel like he'd lost half his soul? Why did he continue to be haunted
by the American's memory?
*Aishiteru.*
Heero froze.
*Heero... aishiteru.*
It had been the night Heero had dragged Duo home from a dance club in a jealous rage, intent on punishing
him. But Duo had managed to calm him down and reassure him that nothing had happened and that nothing was
going to happen to make him leave the Japanese boy. Later that night as they lay in bed with Heero's arms
wrapped possessively around Duo (one thing the American didn't mind), Heero had been on the verge of sleep
when he'd heard Duo softly whisper those words.
*Heero... aishiteru.*
Obviously Duo had thought the Japanese boy was asleep. But he hadn't been. He lay there unmoving until
Duo dropped off to sleep. Heero had been confused. Love? Love wasn't meant for the likes of them - soldiers
willing to do anything for their cause. Love had no place in their lives.
But Duo's declaration of love had rocked him to the core. The loud mouth American had reached a part of
his soul he hadn't known existed. It had disturbed him more than he cared to admit. And so he had lain there,
holding his beautiful enigma in his arms, unable to think or to move. And unable to tell Duo... he felt the same.
//Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say?
"I loved you in my fashion"?//
Heero climbed the lonely hill to where the cold stone marker awaited. He's avoided the place ever since
Quatre had had it erected a couple of weeks before. He hadn't wanted anything to do with it... hadn't wanted to
say goodbye.
The stars had long since disappeared only to be replaced by the milky gray light of the pre-dawn hours.
Heero stood in front of the memorial, unmoving and silent for a long time, staring at Duo's name. Finally, gathering
his courage, he stepped forward and placed his hand against the cold stone.
"Duo, I..." his voice cracked and he found his legs couldn't support him anymore. He dropped to the ground
and leaned his head against the smooth marker. He had to take several deep breaths before he could continue.
"Duo, I'm here now," he said softly, clutching the braided boy's cross tightly in his hand. "I'm sorry I didn't
come before. I thought it was a silly, sentimental thing to do. But now I realize... I didn't want to say goodbye."
Abruptly he slammed his fist against the stone. "K'so! You promised me you wouldn't leave me! Why did you
do it, baka? And why can I not shake your memory? Why must you continue to haunt me??"
He squeezed his eyes closed as he tried to shut out the anger. It wasn't Duo's fault. He had only been doing
his duty... something Heero had always been preaching to him about. But now he regretted those harsh lectures.
After all, they'd gotten Duo killed.
He sighed and turned so his back rested against the headstone. "Gomen, I know you couldn't help it," he
said apologetically, fingering the half-melted cross in his hand. "I just... you were the only good thing in my life,
Duo. You made me feel almost... human when we were together. Now you're gone and my heart feels as cold as
this stone."
//What would be true?//
"Did you know I heard you tell me you loved me that night I almost... the night after the dance club? You
thought I was asleep. How many times did you whisper it to me when you thought I couldn't hear? Did you know I
would have given anything to hear you say it to me while I was awake? Did you realize the night I heard it, I
wanted to wake you up and make you say it again and again until your voice grew hoarse?
"Did you know..."
//Why should I?//
"Did you know that I wanted to say it back? That I wanted to see your face when I told you... I loved you?"
The strange, unfamiliar stinging sensation returned to his eyes as his vision began to blur.
"I love you, Duo... koi. I love you. I was too afraid to say it to you then and now it's too late. I love you."
Something wet rolled down his cheek, followed by another and another. At first Heero thought it was raining
until a droplet slid into his mouth and he tasted salt.
Tears. Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, was crying.
He wept hard, finally allowing his grief to spill free. And yet, as he did so, he couldn't help but smile a little.
It was his last gift from Duo. The boy who had taught him how to smile and how to love had also taught him how
to cry.
He wept silently as the dawn rose, making the world seem new and pure as a new day was born. Finally,
when the last remnants of night's shade had been burned away by the sun, Heero stood and faced the memorial
once more. Carefully, he placed the blackened cross on the stone.
"I'm going to win this war, Duo," he vowed as he kept his hand on the cross. "Then I promise... I'll come to
you and tell you what I never got to say while you were here.
"I love you."
With the vow made, Heero turned his back on the memorial and headed back towards Quatre's house,
leaving a heavy heart and a trail of tears behind him.
//Why should I cry for you?//
Somewhere in a distant city, in the critical care unit of a hospital, a pair of violet eyes opened.
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