"Let machinery fake my place, who has time to chase. Digital is where it is. Love can always be replaced. Welcome to my consciousness. Welcome to our race. Everything is never quite enough."
Everything (is never quite enough) - Diop, Wasis
Digital
Part 22
Three days passed before we approached our final destination. All of us exploring Khali's new form, the ship now so large that it was possible to get lost in her. And I realized at one point, that it took nearly 2 days to cover half her length and breadth. There was so much to explore, new rooms, new views. How it had all come to be was still unknown. The energy that Bell and I had funneled into the ship somehow building off what she had already had, an architect gone mad.
By the time we were within a few light years of Puppy's future mate, Heero and I had settled comfortably in what was almost a small city. An entire portion of Khali to call our very own. It was nice to finally spend some time alone with him, just the two of us and time to kill.
Occasionally we'd find ourselves merely lying near a view port, arms around one another, lost in contemplation of the Universes. And then it would happen, that thing that somehow ruined it all. We'd kiss, touch, build ourselves to a frenzy, and then, stop. The fear of what it might do to Bell halting us in our heated tracks. Breath would be fast, chests heaving, and we'd both be hard with the need for one another. Yet there was nothing to be done about it, completion might hurt our friend. Might…we didn't know for a fact that it would, and I think that's why we kept pushing it, going a little farther each time, touching a little more, encouraging longer.
It was 24 hours before we'd be within a reasonable distance of our destination. I spent the sleep hours sitting in front of one of the many new views, eyes on the stars and thoughts on Heero and Bell. What exactly had happened the last time Heero and I had sex? Had it really hurt Bell? Or merely embarrassed him? And what would it do to him, if we did it again? Really only one person knew the answers, Bell. The one person I was terrified to ask, because I was afraid of the answers.
"Why have you been avoiding me?"
It took a few moments for me to realize that the voice hadn't come from my thoughts. So closely did it echo the voice of Bell inside my head that I had paused to wonder. But the question he asked next made me realize, despite my fervent hopes, that it really was him.
"Are you mad at me?"
I turned from my view of sparkling midnight space, to find a pair of glowing sapphire eyes looking earnestly at me. "No, I don't think so."
"Then why have you been hiding?"
I opened my mouth to lie, and stopped. For some reason I couldn't merely tell him, or ask him. And in a weird way, I *was* mad at him. He'd taken so much from me, and it wasn't even his fault, so I had no right to blame him at all. Yet, I found it easier than blaming Heero.
"You don't have to blame someone for everything that goes wrong in life."
I'd forgotten just how close Bell truly was to me. "So now you can just read my mind?"
"Yes," he smiled slightly, lowering himself to the floor beside me, sitting down and crossing his legs. "You know, all you have to do is ask me, it's not that bad."
"What? Asking you? Or the answer itself?" We exchanged smiles, unconsciously moving closer together. Our knees touching as we both leant towards the view. I pointed at an arrangement of stars, "I think the Universe Relado is within that cluster. Your home is there, right?"
"Yes, it is the white planet, it gleams like a sun, but is no sun." his eyes had taken on a faraway glaze, focused on a planet only he could see. "Time passes differently there, life goes on much longer."
"Sounds like a slow place."
He nodded, meeting my eyes for a moment, "it is and it isn't."
"Bell, if you already know what I want to ask you, why won't you just tell me the answer?"
"Because, even you are unsure what exactly it is you'll be asking, so how can I possibly give you the right answer?"
"I…I want to know what will happen…if we, if we have sex again. What will happen to you?" My fingers automatically began fidgeting, toying with the toe of my boot.
"Ah," he tapped my hand, taking it and studying the wetwiring beneath my skin. "Energy can take so many different forms, everything has it, a rock, a tree, this very ship is filled with it."
"But what--"
"You have it, Heero has it." He paused, one long finger tracing my hand. "When I drain energy for you, as a child, as an adult, through out your entire life; I have always been connected to you. Being that I was inside of you, I could not hold it. And it would leak out if it wasn't needed." He lifted his hand, brushing one of my wingtips and smiling slightly. "And since I'm so connected with you, it works the same way backwards. You see?"
"No- I…"
"Think about it for a moment. If I can channel energy through you, and cannot hold it inside of your body. Then what would happen if you began producing energy?"
"I wouldn't be able to hold it either?"
He nodded, gesturing for me to go on.
"So it would feed back to you?"
"Yes, and I wouldn't be able to hold it either. So all this useless energy needs a way out."
It hit me then, what might happen in such a situation. "The wings."
"The wings." He confirmed.
"But how? Why? I still don't understand. I mean, why wings?"
"Why not?"
"Bell…"
"Duo, I don't mean to lead you around, I'm trying to make you understand more about what you are capable of, and how to use the energy without losing control of it."
"Ok, alright." I tilted my head, looking at him form the corner of my eye. "The wings were excess energy finding a form. Like what happened to Khali, only different, right?"
"Yes, exactly."
"So, how does it choose a form? Can energy think?"
He grimaced, wrinkling his nose at me. "No, don't be silly."
"What? I was being serious. I don't unders…" and then it hit me, I did understand, almost too clearly. "It was me, wasn't it? I decided."
"Yes."
I had thought of wings, and with Khali, hadn't it been the same? Hadn't I imagined her growing with the sheer amount of energy we'd pumped into her? It had all been me, my thoughts funneling the energy into form.
"In a strange way, thought is energy. So if you know how, you can make mass from pure thought."
"But that's impossible. And it still doesn't answer my question."
"But it is, and it does."
I blinked a few times; trying to twist already twisted logic into something recognizable. "I made you feel the connection," I didn't need to ask; I already knew the answer. "I thought of you when…and we were creating energy…it fed into you." I could see the cascading blue hair shift as he nodded.
"And now that I am both within you and outside of you, I am hit twice as hard by it."
It also meant that unless I learned how to control the energy I would lash out every time I took some in. It would mean chaos, magnificent power used without skill or knowledge. It could mean death, loss of everything I loved and cared about. All because I was foolish enough not to learn how to control it. "So, what do I have to do?"
"Learn how to make use of it."
***
For the next 24 hours, time in which I had nothing better to do, I proceeded to practice. Small at first, afraid of trying something too big, something that could harm. I sat by myself, gathering in energy, or trying to create it myself, and then funneling it off safely. Hours passed while I did this, my concentration so totally on it, that I missed when everyone seemed to gravitate towards me. Opening my eyes at long last to find I was surrounded by everyone, merely watching.
"What?" I asked, wondering what I could have possibly done to draw all of the attention.
"You're glowing," Heero said, as if that would make sense of it all.
"It's really pretty," Khali said, hiding her mouth behind her hand, what sounded like a muffled giggle escaping from behind it. She turned to Bell, who sat beside her, so closely that their arms were entangled, legs crossed over each other. "Do you glow like that too?"
"Yes," he said with a nod, casting a smile in my direction. "Though I can't say it's as `pretty'."
"Exactly why is it you're glowing?" Treize asked, inching closer and tentatively reaching for my hand, the wetwiring beneath my skin was glowing like jewels.
"I'm not sure, it has something to do with the intake of energy, like a light that goes on when there is power flowing to it." I realized, sitting there with what I now considered my friends, that we were all interested in the properties of the crystal. Even Bell seemed to want to know how it affected me. But then, why wouldn't he be interested. From what I'd gathered, this had never in all the history of his race, happened before.
Milyardo spoke next, leaning close, 138 tangled in the hair by his ear. They both looked at me curiously. "So, you have access to unlimited energy?" the blond man asked.
"I think so, why?"
"Because," 138 piped up, jumping lightly onto my shoulder. "Unlimited energy is rare, the ability to use it, well, that is a rarer thing."
"I think," Heero whispered, moving to sit by me and taking my free hand. "That we're all just a little overwhelmed by the thought."
"It's not everyday someone comes across a human with such power." Treize acknowledged.
"The idea is interesting." Milyardo nodded, "I can see why the system would want you so badly."
"As a tool, you would be priceless." 138 responded, tiny claws tapping my neck. "You are one of a kind, and for the system to own you, it would be undefeatable."
"Invincible."
"All powerful."
"Death."
I eyed all of them, understanding what they were trying to tell me. "I'd be nothing but a puppet, a tool."
"We will protect you," Treize said, his face taking on a serious expression.
"To let you fall into the system's ruthless hands, would be the death of all life." Khali whispered, her own hands tightening on Bell's.
My head lowered, eyes drifting across the comforting hands that rested upon me. Everyone was trying to tell me something, and I knew what they meant by it. They cared. "Thank you."
"My stomach hurts." I heard Khali mutter, glancing up to see her rubbing it. "What's that mean?"
"You're hungry?" Treize suggested.
"You're sick?" Heero asked.
"I think it's hungry," she said with a smile, standing up and gesturing. "Come on, we have exactly 12 more hours before we arrive, let's eat."
***
I sat alone again, watching the stars once more, though now I could see our destination, a tiny glitter in the distance through the view port.
"Duo,"
I glanced down to find 138 sitting near my leg, watching the stars as well.
"Yes?"
"Will you do something for me?" It looked up, large eyes pleading with me for something as of yet unasked.
"I'll try."
"Make me bigger."
"What?" I shook my head, unbelieving. "Why?"
"I want to be more helpful, I'll never be like you, I'll never grow larger than this. I want to be larger." It said miserably, slumping down in a tiny heap of fur and claws.
"138," My eyes closed for a moment, a long sigh escaping. "I don't know what might happen, I'm not that good at this yet."
"I don't care."
"I might accidentally kill you! Don't you care about that?!" The anger in my voice echoed, I was furious that 138 would ask such a thing. If I killed it, it would be on my conscience for life, the death of a friend. And yet, despite that, I understood.
"If I'm not happy as I am, then what could possibly be worse?" It said in a tiny, broken voice.
I was speechless, my mouth opening and shutting, incapable of a response. It was true, I could possibly help, and if 138 were so unhappy, then who was to say death was worse? "Ok, I'll try."
"You will?"
"Yes, but…138…"
"Don't worry, it will be all right. I have faith in you."
A smile crept across my mouth, such unwavering friendship. "Stand still." I directed, deciding that if I didn't just do it now, I would never do it. I knelt down, resting a fingertip on 138's furry little head, right between it's ears. I closed my eyes, opening myself, dragging in particles of energy from around me, feeling them slide along my veins, shimmy beneath my skin. It was easier every time, the taking in of power, sifting it from everything around me.
As it began to build, I concentrated, forming inside my mind what I wanted to do with it; it was like trying to fit rocks into a mould. You would think something with no form would be easier to give form to. But it eluded my mental grasp constantly, trying to snake away and escape. At last, I managed to get it into what I wanted it to be, a bigger form for 138, something that would make it happy. Happy, that's what I truly wanted for 138, happiness.
A sharp gasp brought me back, my eyes opening to find 138 still beneath my forefinger, shivering with it's eyes closed. It was no bigger, nothing had changed.
Slowly, it's large green eyes opened, shimmering with something that rather curiously resembled unshed tears.
"I'm no bigger," its head bowed, and I too felt like crying. It hadn't worked.
"No, you're not. I'm sorry 138…I tried."
"I know, I felt it, something happened, but…" it shrugged, shoulders straightening. "At least I'm alive."
"Yes," though still, the energy had gone somewhere, I had used it. I stared curiously at the tiny Youlin. It certainly didn't look any different.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to remain like this forever." It smiled, or, what crossed for a smile lit up its features for a moment. "I suppose it's not all that bad."
"Nothing is ever that bad."
***
We'd gathered around one of the larger view ports, crowding against it and staring at Puppy's mate. We were close enough now to take the golden ball down to it. Puppy already orbiting happily, though nothing had happened yet.
"Do you think we'll be able to see the mating?" Khali asked, wearing one of the black bodysuits we were all dressed in.
"From what I understand of the process, it should be visible. Though I admit, I have no idea how long it should take." Bell turned from his contemplation of the two planets, his eyes tracing Khali where she stood beside him.
More and more I'd been noticing the growing relationship between the two of them. Some strange bond that had sprung up before Khali had even become human. Whatever the connection was, it was strong. They hadn't spent time apart since Bell had come onboard. I couldn't decide whether I liked it or not, the fact that Bell seemed to have found a mate so quickly. Though whether Khali was a mate or not was also hard to tell. Which brought my thoughts over to another bundle of interest. Would *I* feel it if Bell had sex? Maybe they had already and I'd never known. Bell after all, was much better at controlling the energies he gathered.
Milyardo and Treize seemed not to mind the bond growing between the two, perhaps because they had no reason to mind it. Both men seemingly taking delight in the fact that their erstwhile daughter had found a companion.
Everyone seemed happy, delighted with the path life had taken, the turns that had been gone down. Everyone but Heero and I. And why weren't we happy? Well, admittedly sex played a big part of it, we wanted each other and couldn't have that. Which was really only a minor pain, all things considered. It could be worse, but then, it could also be better. There wasn't *only* sex, there were other things we could've been found enjoyment in besides each other's bodies.
And, I did like talking to Heero, spending time with him. He really was my perfect match, Fina hadn't been wrong. We had much more in common then the crystal, or the flaws that society had deemed that we had. His mind was sharp, inquisitive, good humored, inventive. It was everything a good mind should be, everything I`d ever wanted when thinking about what my perfect mate might be like. So then, why did our inability, or hindrance to having sex, bother me so much? Was it just because we couldn't have it? Would it have been all we'd have done for the past week if we'd been able?
I think mostly what bothered me, was that I wanted to touch Heero. I loved seeing the expression on his face when he was aroused. I loved hearing those soft sighs, the languid moans he'd produce. He was absolutely beautiful when in lust, and I was forbidden to see it. And that too was a lie, I could see it, just not see it reach it's peak.
"Wait."
My head jerked upwards, the sudden voice after so much contemplative silence startling me.
Bell had pressed his hand to the port, face intently concentrated, eyes on Puppy. "We're going to have to go down, Puppy says something isn't right. The energies are already separated."
"I can't find any major lifeforms, Bell, there's no way the energy could be like that. Not without having been absorbed by a lifeform larger than a bug." Khali gestured out the port. "According to all scans it is an uninhabited planet."
"Well, something has control of the energies. We'll have to go down and see if we can figure out what it is. Besides Khali," he turned and took her hand in his. "Don't you want to walk on a planet?"
-Glossary-
Transpod: A dimensional traveling device. The transpod will transport human mass within any area that contains another transpod. The time taken for each journey will always be exactly 10 nanoseconds, as time is folded as well as matter to create no ripple within the dimensions.
Slosta: A drink created from organic matter grown on Jilad, the Slosta is filled with nutrients that heighten awareness and energize.
CR chips: Two microchips implanted behind the ears, the connectors that allow a direct linkage to the VR modules.
Shinalp: A form of cursing, Shinalp is somewhat akin to saying "shit" or "ah shit"
Kajacrap: The Kaja is a life form located on the planet Neskin, a large beast known to produce huge amounts of feces. The phrase kajacrap is akin to saying "Bullshit"
Fliogan Warriors: The Fliogan is a race that attaches metallic wings to their young while they are still being formed within the incubators. The wings are partially organic, fusing with the young so as to become part of their bodies. This warrior race is known to be extremely high tech, and very vicious, most normal humans will not go near them, as they are known to kill without reason. Very little is known of the Fliogan or their ways.
Feed Tubes: Connectors that feed information and nutrients to any life form connected to any long-term device.
Lavablue 6: The planet on which the society of Fliogan reside at this time.
Levels: Technological knowledge is rated by level; most societies only have an average of 30 levels. The common level of most humans is 5, techmaster levels tend to be higher and in the upper ranges.
Steelshift: 1 of over a million different charted elements, Steelshift is partially organic, allowing it to be integrated with human DNA, testing is still in experimental stages, most distinguished users of this element are the Fliogan.
Slipshot Diskwings: A style of wing known to be common among the Fliogan, Slipshot defines the integration of movable parts, Diskwing is the style of the small circular patterns of metal that form the wings of Fliogan.
Contract: A contract is a more binding way to say, "Promise or swear?"
Optilenses: Cyber optic lenses, which can be used during a VR program only.
Creos: The original form of the name Christ has changed with the passage of time, modern form of the word when used as a curse is Creos.
Orstras: A plant matter grown in dark caves on the planet of Trinition, considered a delicacy on most planets, the plant is dark purple with small white bells that can be plucked and cooked. The taste is said to be sweet and delicate.
Realtime Call: The difference between a realtime call and a regular call is in the distance, all realtime calls infer off planet residence of the caller, communications run at high speeds, face to face talking is still difficult between planets.
What is your task: This is the way most people will ask what your job is, what career you're in.
Crèche Technician: Most people are born to the incubators and raised in crèches, the technicians help care for the many children being raised in such places.
Grower: The still forming body of a child within the incubator, a delicate time that must be carefully overseen to prevent accidents. A grower is usually designated as a child in a womb-like state. Between -1 to -9 months, or the time a child would be inside of a mother's body.
Youlin: A manmade mammalian life form, these animals are specifically created to improve the technology behind cloning. Most tests are performed with a small VR module; with which the creatures are filled with the only knowledge they know, as the Youlin is created with a blank slate for a mind.
A Set: A group of Growers that have reached maturity.
Trance state: Every few months of a citizen's life is recorded during REM cycles, the consciousness is stored within a neural processor called a memory chip. Occasionally when one wishes to know another, an exchange of such chips may occur.
Wetwiring: circuitry and modifications that can be installed within the human body without harming it.
The System: There are 3 levels of the system. The first is that which take cares of the minor systems such as basic maintenance, the second level controls techmaster training, medical facilities, and knowledge. The final level of the system controls all other functions between worlds; each detail is observed, and stored within it.
Klishana: A crystal found during an expedition of exploration, it is not only organic, but sentient as well.
Pinalr: A vegetable that can be eaten raw or cooked, it is said to be an acquired taste due to its strange fleshy texture and nutty flavor.
Guplit: A type of fruit grown on many planets, it is small and covered in tiny spikes which make it needful to be carefully eaten. It is said to taste rather sour, with a hint of sweetness.
Fermented Hisle Juice: A type of fruit also grown on many planets, it can be juiced and distilled to form a mild form of alcoholic beverage.
Brean-scalpel: a surgical instrument designed for a bloodless opening and closing of tissues, often used for personal bodily modifications.
Inverse Star: Very rarely when a star starts its death throes, it will turn in upon itself and feed off of its own energy, creating a new form.
If you would like a definition for something not listed here just ask! ^_^
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