moments before dawn
by jana
there are no more whispers and silence returns.
it used to bother me... the silence; it rarely does anymore.. and certainly never while i'm here.
he falls back into my embrace... and wraps himself around me; no tighter than usual.
his skin is still damp with sweat; made clammy and cold by the chilly night air.
i run my fingers slowly down the length of his spine and retrace my path; he drifts off within minutes... and my hand stills to leave spread fingers imbedded in the thick brown hair that covers the nape of his neck.
and as tired as i am, i am unable to force sleep.
there is too much here that begs not to be ignored ... the declining rush of adrenaline.. the sweet smell of sex that lingers in the air.... and the emotions inside my head; apprehension and fear top the list.
for the most part, they are foreign and more importantly out of place, if not confusing.
// what have i gotten myself into //
i examine them further and decide they are wholly appropriate.
i look down at his body tangled in mine..... some of the tension slips away; and i smile.
i know this is right.... his request and my acceptance; they had been a long time coming.
we belonged.
// when did i come to know that //
he stirs and i check to see if he has woken.
this part is familiar.. its all that is; that is what probably frightens me most...
his eyes are still closed; breath soft as it tickles the fine hairs of my chest.
i watch it rise and fall under the weight of him... i realize its done that for the longest time; perhaps since the first time we met.
he's different now than he was back then though; i suppose i've changed too, but its not as obvious... at least not to me.
i check the clock... 4:50
i reach for it, careful not to disturb him; i'm not ready....
i chastise myself for having that thought and turn off the alarm..... 5:00 no longer holds any consequence.
it never did.
it was my safety net; in case i couldn't stop my self from falling.
i bite back a cynical laugh.
// who are you kidding //
i never fell for it; self-deceit is tricky business.
maybe i had fooled him; he never let on.... letting me leave under a watchful stare.
there was nothing to be read behind it... at least not in the dark; and not in the brief seconds i allowed our eyes to meet.
he never once asked if i'd be back; he never once broke his silence..... until last night; and now there would be more.
it is only then that i cover us both.
i'm trying not to think anymore.... but i can't help but wonder how that conversation will go... if it would be he or i that brought it up....and how much will be said; how much of it really needs to be reinforced with words.
but its all supposition.
it could be days or even weeks before it all comes out; or maybe it never will. i realize that it doesn't matter.
we understand one another.
i finally submit to sleep with that knowledge and wake some hours later to the risen sun; and to cobalt eyes.
i battle the automatic fight or flight response his stare invokes... hoping he doesn't notice my body tensing beneath him; or at least that he won't mention it.
his hand reaches up to push my hair from my eyes.
"you're still here....."
his voice holds a hint of amazement; his gaze even more... and there is a nod and then one last whisper.... and its mine...
"i never wanted to leave....."
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