the need to talk
by jana
"there is no more she."
there was both freedom and fear tangled up in those words; for me. i didn't venture to guess what they held for him.
he'd heard them though.... maybe not the first time..... but surely the second; his eyes widened.
"duo?"
"we should go."
his hand caught my wrist as i rose.. and he opened his mouth to speak. to demand what? a deserved explanation?
i lifted one finger, resting it vertically over his open lips...... forcing him into silence..... again.
"i will tell you everything. we have a long drive."
he nodded solemnly to accept my terms... it's just how it was with us; but it could change.. it had to.
++ the first six months of ac 197 ++
i'd returned to be with hilde shortly after 'the incident'.
no surprise there.
he surprised me though; coming there and settling not more than a few miles from the scrap yard.
i didn't find out right away..... it wasn't until months afterward; and the discovery'd come by accident.
it pleased me.. finding him here. we'd been more than acquaintances... less than friends, but we could have been; i wanted us to be.
he was disoriented; even more so than last time.... when we'd been thrown back into civilization.
i recalled it then; bittersweet. it was supposed to be freedom. i laughed even now.
it was easier for me; not easy... just easier. i was resilient; the same could not be said for heero.
i'd practically invited myself over that morning...... he might have been surprised. his reactions had always been hard to gauge.
maybe i'd caught him off guard...
if i didn't know him, i might have missed it.
little about him had ever escaped my attention; cause it was at least fascination back then... possibly a crush; but none of it lingered..... there was hilde now.
i guessed that it was possible that he was pleased to see me; i hoped he was.
and it was probably forward of me ask; but he'd not resisted.... at least not with words.
i'm thinking that's when everything began.
++ end flashback ++
i watched as he settled himself into the passenger seat; double checking with eyes and fingers the lock on his seatbelt.
"ready?"
he nodded and i could feel his stare as i backed out of the driveway.
i shivered... it was cold.
i should have warmed up the car first..... we should have taken jackets.
he sat stony and silent until i'd merged onto the parkway.
"do you have something you want to tell me?"
there was no emotion in his voice.
a knot formed in my stomach. i gripped the wheel and looked over at him; head forward and his gaze fixed out the front windshield.
there were many things i wanted to tell him; i knew the one he meant though.
i took one deep breath through my nose. the chilled air filled my lungs.
and then i exhaled.
"i left her, heero."
there. i'd said it again..... but there was more... words... still harder to say than their predecessors.
"there are no more obstacles."
no. that was wrong....
// maybe not wrong... just misleading //
"there are no longer external obstacles, heero."
i look over at him and my breath catches.
// this is my lover //
he was wringing his hands together... white knuckles standing out against the bronze of his flesh.
and the silence....
so i drove..... destination; a place no longer home.
exit 22
"when?"
i turned to face him. "when?"
"yes... when, duo. when did you leave?"
logic; the way he thinks.
question; one i didn't want to answer..... one he really didn't want me to.
"a while ago. it doesn't matter."
he digests it. i can't tell how it sits.
i think it may matter.
"why?"
"why did i leave?"
"no. why didn't you tell me?"
the million dollar question.
he couldn't handle an honest reply.... maybe i couldn't either.
"i didn't think you were ready." one more partial truth.
it was vague. i could feel his eyes on me again; expectant.
i reached forward to turn the radio on. there was nothing else to be said.....
so i drowned the silence.... for as long as he'd let me.
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