the object of my obsession
by jana
I am unable to say for certain at which point all of my carefully
calculated rational thought was blown to hell, only that it was.
It didn't happen overnight, it was a slow, at times torturous process,
the delightful onset of my decline into uncontrollable obsession… a
journey I am not embarrassed to say I have, for the most part, enjoyed.
Given my intense training, an uninformed spectator might surmise that
nothing that could affect me in such a way, then one surely knows
nothing of Duo Maxwell.
A Gundam pilot?
No......
An angel.....born amongst the stars, unknowingly descended to earth
along side me...... a killer...... a savior.
I watched him from the corner of my eye at the dock the day I fell to
earth. A thin braided boy dressed in black, cap covering his eyes....
his weapon pointed at me. I was powerless against him even then.
There was no hesitation as both hands pulled the trigger, sending his
bullets to tear through my flesh.
His voice reprimanded me as I continued my quest despite his warnings,
stern and unyielding, he fired upon me again...... thoughts of the
mysterious stranger still haunting me even as I lay face down in the
water, reconciled to death, his strong hands pulling me without question
from the icy tide.
I think I knew then that I needed him..... though he angered me so. I
was crass and deliberately hurtful, not even thanking him for saving my
life, nonetheless accepting his assistance as he assured my escape, the
gentle way his arms surrounded me, carrying the weight of my injured
form to safety........ I trusted him.
"You weren't supposed to save me."
I tried to understand him..... the talkative young man, though I none
too politely told him to shut up as he sat babbling on the mid-section
of Wing, doubting my abilities...... passing judgement on me.... carrying
on about my broken leg. It was always about the mission….. my life was
only about the mission....... but he just couldn't understand someone
like me.
Though none of it was enough to stop my twisted destiny, thoughts of him
were the last ones to cross my mind as I lay my thumb on that
switch..... of the things I wanted to tell him. A simple thank you for
making my existence that much less painful..... that I was fortunate to
have known him.... things I could never say..... things I couldn't even
bear to hint at.... I would have to leave him, never having uttered the
simplest nicety....at least not out loud.....and not in his presence...
I hadn't even told him my name.
+++++
But I survived my second attempt at self-destruction, aided by yet
another Gundam pilot, disappointedly not the one I wished to see. I
slowly regained my health and set off once more to seek my death, this
time at the hands of those whose loved one I had inadvertently
murdered...... it was the only thing I could do..... I was ready to
accept my death, whenever the call came..... it was expected of me.
"I was supposed to die with honor."
I saw his bruised and battered face when they captured him, the vision
on the tv screen leaving me cold..... or perhaps just colder.......
They dragged him off to confinement, his bloodied face hung low in shame
against his chest. My instinct out shadowed all else and with my gun
tucked into the waistband of my jeans, I set out to eliminate him.....
he had become just another obstacle.... and I couldn't allow myself to
think of him as anything but..... until I opened the cell door, throwing
one more lifeless casualty into his cell.
His amethyst eyes were warm with recognition and hope and he greeted me
as I entered the small space...... mine were dead and cold as I glared
with disgust at him from the open doorway. Raising my gun to extinguish
his light, something inside of me shuddered as he relinquished his life
to what he called the inevitable..... that it was I who was destined to
take his life and he closed his bright eyes for what he truly believed
to be the last time......succumbing to it.
In that moment something changed between us and there was an
understanding, no matter how warped it seemed and I made the painful
decision to spare his life. And as he had done for me, I carried his
weight, fleeing as a team to safety amidst the return fire of dozens of
Oz soldiers.
"I wasn't supposed to let you live."
And we *were* a team, him and I, a highly efficient and effective
one..... the Perfect Soldier and the God of Death, Gundam pilots 01 and
02, Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell.... but somehow it just wasn't enough, he
wanted more... needed more.... he deserved more..... I could never allow
it to happen.
Each new school we enrolled in, we came to share a room. Too close
quarters for two boys with similar feelings for one another, a world of
difference in how they intended on handling them.... and so the tension
mounted and the torture grew...... for both of us.
I allowed his most subtle advances to go without comment, often enjoying
the effect I had on him, smiling inside at the frustration my ignoring
him caused. But he was tenacious, that Duo Maxwell and he refused to
back down, so intent on winning my affection, the affection of a soldier
who was to most, emotionally dead and had been almost since birth....
but there was no way he could have known or should have known...I never
told him.
My anger flared and I repeated my warnings, at first telling him to
shut-up nearly every time he spoke. Even my glares and promises to take
his life did nothing to dissuade him. His laughter at my death threats
only served to further infuriate me and I finally lashed out at him one
night
An unfamiliar feeling of guilt passed through me as he looked up at me
from the floor, stunned. A crimson line ran down from his mouth, the
pain of the impact still causing my fist to throb, my heart beating a
mile a minute..... what had I done?
Yet still, at night, I thought of him, always tender thoughts..... of
how I longed to show him how I felt, to show to him and only him that
someone else that I was..... that someone other than the Perfect Soldier
he had come to know and oddly enough love.
I wondered if he would still feel the same about me if he saw what I was
underneath my facade.... or maybe he already had.......
++++++
Each day that passed found more hours dedicated to just watching him.
He never brought it up to me or mentioned to the others that I had hit
him...in fact, his emotions for me seemed constant if not growing......
still desiring to spend time with me..... begging for my attention....
as negative as it was...... he too, it seemed, had issues.
As night fell, I would lie restless in my bed, unwilling to let sleep
take me, lest I miss the chance to gaze at him from across the room.
Peering over at his small frame, huddled and lost beneath a mound of
blankets, I could hear the soft sounds he made as he inhaled and exhaled
the air that we shared...... the very idea of it pleasing me.
"One day, I hope I will be able to tell you."
I requested that he accompany me on missions whenever possible, his
piloting skills were indisputable and I hated having to leave his side,
knowing we could be taken from each other at any time. Quatre and
Trowa's involvement and Wufei's preference to work alone, made ease of
the chore.
I could sense his displeasure as I involved him in operations involving
Relena, knowing that he thought I had an interest in her, and I never
made it clear that my systematically saving her was always for the peace
and nothing more.
His faith in our ability to bring about her ideal of pacifism wavered as
did his faith in his own God, a God whose symbol hung so prominently
from his neck.....nothing more than a painful reminder of the deity's
death. I was steadfast in maintaining faith in only myself, doubting
belief in anyone's God who condoned a war...... allowing such
atrocities, cringing as I recalled the unnecessary and untimely demise
of one small child and her dog at my own hands.
"Are you lost?"
"I asked you if you were lost?"
"............."
+++++
He chattered constantly and I referred to him as a baka on more
occasions than I care to admit. It was an inaccurate label I'd given
him, there was no basis for it.... just another tool to keep him at a
safe distance.
I didn't deserve his affection, I never asked for it.......never
returned it, yet I craved it..... he was my thread to sanity.
I watched his face change expression over the com..... shifting almost
seamlessly between the God of Death and the 15 year old pilot who loved
me, it was miraculous that he could retain that part of himself in
battle. His darker side was more reserved, and it was Shinigami that
skillfully drew his thermal scythe, never flinching as he sliced his way
through lines of enemy mobile suits. But I was always me inside the
cockpit, my tone rarely fluctuating, surrounded by the cool metal
controls of Wing..... the only place I ever felt suited to be.
It was only in my dreams that we connected, when I had abandoned all
control, lavishing my companion with all the affection I held for him.
And in that state, he wholly consumed me...........
"Perhaps when the war is over."
++++++
Radar sensors indicated a pack of Taurus's approaching the lone Gundam
and that heart shaped face made its way onto my com screen.
Shinigami's mask already settled into place, he announced his intention
to single-handedly take them on until the rest of us arrived. I merely
nodded, quickly alerting the others to his situation.
He was well-versed in the art of destruction and more than capable of
taking them out..... but there was no need to take chances now….... to
put his life at risk.
By the time we arrived on the scene, Deathscythe had already taken a
devistating amount of abuse and I suggested that he retreat, leaving
myself and the others to take the few reamining suits out. His demeanor
was sullen over the com. I could see that he was badly injured and his
fatique was clearly visible as he nodded before taking off to safety.
Sighing in relief as I watched him flee the heated battle, I focused my
attention on anhiliating the last visible enemies. I turned to see a
single suit follow his retreat and I fired at close range on the Taurus
suit still at his back.
But I was too late.......the target had been locked on and several
missles exploded on impact, hurling Deathscythe high into the air and
finally to the ground.
+++++++
Finishing off the remaining suits, I landed Wing and climbed from its
cockpit. I ran to the top of the hill where I had watched his machine go
down in a blaze of smoke.
The cockpit door was open and I was able to make out his form lying in
the tall grass. My heart began to pound and I gasped as I neared the
scene..... he was there..... my braided angel.... so unnaturally still
beside the foot of his beloved Deathscythe.
I knelt to take him in my arms and kissed him gently, his lips still
warm.
They were so soft against mine.... I always knew that they would be.
I gazed into his beautiful amethyst eyes as they stared up at me, their
brilliant sparkle already diminished. "I love you, Duo." I whispered,
running my fingers through his hair.... the power of those long kept
words bringing me to tears as I rocked him back and forth in what should
have been my protective embrace. "I'm so sorry, Duo...I'm so sorry....."
"It was never supposed to be like this."
Reaching my hand behind his head, I removed the small knife he always
kept tucked away at the top of his braid. I laid him down next to me and
touched his blood-stained face, sliding the back of my hand down his
silken skin......taking in his exquisite flawless beauty one last time
before bringing my thumbs up to close his still radiant eyes.
I brought his blade to my wrist and drew a deep line over the tender
flesh, unflinching as the cool steel made its way through the thin
skin.... and my blood flowed down to mingle with his on the grass below
us........ the other wrist suffering a similar fate.
And I grieved.......mourning in silence for the lover I never had......
the only thing I had ever truly desired.
Grasping his hand tightly in mine, I lay down beside him and stared up
at the smoke filled sky as my vision grew blurry. Each breath was
painfully drawn from my chest and I could feel myself slipping away.....
aware of someone calling my name, a frantic cry somewhere close
by........ voices and commotion.....
"NO, HEERO!!", he cried, bending to cradle my head.
I looked up at Quatre for a moment before giving in to the weight of my
eyelids, letting my head fall back. I knew that he understand....
I couldn't concern myself with them now........ there was somewhere else
I needed to be.
"I'm almost there......."
I squeezed his hand with the last of my strength as the final glimmer of
light faded away.
I shivered as the cold blackness enveloped me.
My body began to tremble and for first time in my short life, I
understood what fear was.... and then I heard it........ a faint
whisper.
A whisper so soft that it almost escaped my attention. Out of the
darkness, a tiny flicker of white light appeared, guiding me toward the
sound.... and I recognized it......a voice....... calling out to me by
name.
I squinted as the light grew brighter, growing in magnitude until it had
all but surrounded me.
A hazy patch of darkness appeared at it's center and I watched as it
slowly came into focus, then reached out for me.
I paused before moving forward toward the outstretched hand....
tentatively touching the warm fingertips....
The gentle voice whispered my name again and I grasped at the hand,
allowing it to draw me further into the odd brightness that seemed to
suspend the still shadowy figure.
I could no longer deny the presence of something greater...... and at
that moment I acknowledged the existence of some form of higher
being.... maybe I had been wrong....... perhaps there was a God.....
I drew in a deep breath and held it, my eyes closing as two strong arms
pulled me forward. It seemed almost an eternity before I softly
exhaled...... finally folded into their tender embrace.
I reveled in the divine touch for only seconds before I hesitantly
lifted my chin to gaze up at the angel who held me.
His cheeks were stained with tears, yet those bright violet eyes were
filled with intense longing that was only rivaled by my own...... and he
smiled down at me.........
"I love you too, Heero." he whispered.
It left me speechless and I pulled him closer.
Death held more for me than life ever had.
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