Heero's Carousel
It had been nearly a year, and Heero still couldn't shake the feeling of
utter emptiness.
/I talk to you every now and then
I never felt so alone again /
He walked by himself, not really paying attention to where he was going or
what he was doing. He'd always end up in the same place anyway. He'd always
end up sitting at the base of that cold, grey stone, thinking so many
hopeless thoughts.
/I stop to think at a wishing well
My thoughts send me on a carousel /
He'd sit there, and tell him how his day had gone, and what movies had been
on television, and what Quatre had said the last time he called. Just
mindless chatter, falling on deaf ears. Ears that had longed to hear only
one thing, one thing that Heero had been too much of a coward to say.
/Here I am standing on my own
Not a motion from the telephone /
He'd eventually leave, when it got too cold, or people were looking at him
too strangely. He'd get back to the apartment, and check the answering
machine. There was never anything there from anyone besides Quatre, who
called at the same time every week. Heero didn't know why he bothered
checking. It wasn't like he'd hear his voice.
/I know not a reason why
Solitude's a reason to die/
He often wondered why it had happened. Why he hadn't gotten a call, or a
letter, to at least say goodbye...but then Heero realized that he wasn't the
one who had done the abandoning. And in his own way, he had said goodbye to
Heero. That goodbye would always be precious to the former soldier. Not
nearly as precious as the memory of him was, though. And he'd often thought
about following, to get his answers, to say thank you. To not have to be so
alone. And he had no one else.
/Just you wait and see
As school life is a
It is a woken dream /
No, Heero would never really lead the life of a civilian, no matter how he
tried to blend in. He floated from class to class, to their place, home
again. A shadow of a boy---no, a man, who was a warrior trapped in a time of
peace. But he was weak. And he was losing the battle he was fighting in his
mind.
/Aren't you feeling alone?/
He wondered so much about him. What was he doing? What was it like? Heero
thought more and more about just going after him, to get those answers. And
maybe just to see him, if only for a moment. But that wouldn't be what he
wanted, Heero knew. He'd done what he did to get away from Heero.
/I guess it's just another
I guess it's just another
I guess it's just another night alone/
Heero listlessly made himself some noodles, and sat down in front of the
television with them. After a long time of staring blankly at the screen,
Heero's attention was grabbed by one of those damned movies. The really old
ones that he used to make Heero watch with him, years ago. He decided that
he needed some air. A walk.
/Now as I walk down the street
I need a job just to sleep in sheets/
He didn't care anymore. He thought about all that he'd given up as he took
the familiar route to the place he always came to. He'd tossed out the
laptop---that had been part of the problem. Too much time spent cracking
codes and transferring money that he never used. Trying too hard to ignore.
He'd stopped working, and attended school only to avoid being hauled in
forcefully. His apartment, shabby to begin with, was a wreck.
/Buying food every once in a while
But not enough to purchase a smile /
He had no reason to go on, really, but was too weak to admit it. Hell, he
was barely strong enough to take care of himself, let alone fess up to what
was in his mind. His self-neglect was a subconscious way of trying to do
what he was too afraid to.
/A tank of gas is a treasure to me
I know now that nothing is free /
Free? No, it wasn't. Everything came with a price. What had he paid for
realization? What had he paid to show his love? They had both paid too much.
But enough about that. He was there now.
/I talk to you every now and then
I never felt so alone again /
He sat down on the wet grass, and wrapped his arms around the only thing
confirming his existence besides his memories. "Oh, koi," he said, softly
enough so that only one soul would hear it. "Would you still have me, if I
came to you now?" Tears slipped down his cheeks; that was no longer unusual
for him.
/I guess it's just another
I guess it's just another
I guess it's just another night alone /
/My thoughts send me on a carousel /
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