Another Version of Events
by Karan Seraph
Chapter 5
His character was drugged? A lot of good it did listening to Sally's advice in the game. Adin nudged Heero's arm with his, "Maybe we can still get out of this and heal your guy. Those kind of humans sometimes dose substances that effect vampire metabolism badly." He was going through menus to cast a spell. He didn't have much energy left after all his other spells and attacks.
Maybe they wouldn't get out of their situation. At least it was just a game... and someone was blocking Heero's view, he couldn't even see if his character was reacting anymore.
"Oh! Shit!" It was Duo partially blocking the screen. "Morpheus cast purge on Yukio, forget trying to teleport, you don't have the points. Leonore do pickpocket, it will work in fight mode like an attack that does no damage. Keep doing pickpocket until you find one of their guns!"
"I can't see, Duo!" Heero complained.
Duo stepped backward then quickly scrambled to the couch and perched on the arm of it, beside Heero. From the speakers Sally's character said, "I got a weapon."
On the screen it seemed Yukio was biting Morpheus. His life was being restored as the drug was being removed.
"Morpheus is really useful to pair with vampire characters," Duo said authoritatively, "His purge spell is just for using on vampires, it's really like exchanging blood. He's immune to the drugs and Half-angel blood makes vampires temporarily stronger and more immune to their usual weaknesses. I don't think I would have picked Yukio, not to go with Morpheus. Julien goes well with him."
"Played this game before?" Sally laughed. Leonore was shooting the soldiers now and most were down.
On the screen Yukio removed his mouth from Morpheus' neck. They kissed each other. "They're kissing?" Heero asked very quietly.
Duo cackled a laugh. "Didn't I say Morpheus was good to pair with Vampires? They do that whenever he casts purge for them."
"We played this game one time with Morpheus and two full Vampires and that Vampire-witch character," Adin said, "They all had special animations with each other and socials."
"I saw socials on one of the menus," Heero said. All the soldiers were dead and their characters were now looking out from the screen and tapping feet or waiting with arms crossed.
Duo picked up the fourth controller from the floor and sat back upon the arm of the couch. "Add me in," he said. He picked a character named Leander. He was what they called full Vampire and came ready, armed with a broadsword and having the skills to use it much as Yukio had always used the same special wooden sword. "Go to socials now, Heero, and target my guy."
Heero moved Yukio's targeting crosshairs and then activated his socials menu. He saw actions and the combinations of buttons that would make Yukio perform that action without going through the menu. The list was rather long and included such things as quarrel, passionate kiss and disembowel. Heero moved the target to Leonore. The list only included glare and bow. With Morpheus he could glare, bow, kiss or worship. Heero recalled a combination of buttons and Yukio swiftly disemboweled Leander as he pressed them.
Heero laughed. Fake gore was funny.
Leander, vampire in black leather with many long gold-brown braids, held his guts in place while his body automatically healed. "You ass," Duo hissed. He pushed a bunch of buttons. Leander grabbed Yukio by the arms then kissed him. In response Yukio, automatically without help from Heero, threw his arms up about Leander's neck and held him tightly. Heero noticed, Leander even slipped his hands beneath Yukio's armor to touch his buttocks.
Heero hoped they did not to very much more than that. He looked through his socials and move mode actions. Heero made Yukio do bite to Leander.
Duo chuckled when he saw it. "Yeah, Baby, you know I like a little pain," he said.
Heero turned and stared coolly at Duo.
Duo glanced at him from the corners of his eyes. "What. It's a role-playing game. I'm just playing Leander. You know he and Yukio have that whole twisted... aizo."
Love-hate. Heero hadn't known anything. He continued to stare. Duo's clothes seemed to be remnants of his school uniform, or he had changed very much. It looked like an outfit borrowed from Quatre, well, Quatre before he'd grown into dark designer suits.
"Uh... I guess you didn't read the books or even play the game much?"
"No. It's my first time." Heero knew when he said it that it might sound suggestive. He didn't care. He hoped it did sounds suggestive, because then Duo could be the one that felt confused or shocked or amused and wonder whether it was true in a sexual context and Heero could be the one who sounded sly and witty and didn't give away anything more about himself.
"Well..."
Heero smirked.
"Well, well, I'll be gentle then. We best be careful and take our time in completing this mission."
Sally groaned.
Adin snickered.
"Maybe I'll just go talk to the girls in the other room now," Sally said.
"'Lena," Duo called, "Want to play?"
Relena looked toward the couch, biting her lower lip.
"It's not being anti-social if you play with your guests," Adin pointed out.
Relena came to the couch. Her expression said she wanted to play the game. Sally was already whispering to Wufei across the room. Relena picked up the controller then sat down. "Who has the main controller? Get rid of Leonore. I'll be... Julien in this party."
Duo cackled a laugh again.
They had mentioned that character earlier. Heero saw them making the switch on the screen. Julien was a full vampire and appeared without any obvious weapons in a sharp black suit. As soon as the text informed them that Julien had joined the party Morpheus automatically threw his arms about him. And then Morpheus black kilt changed to a multi-colored patchwork kilt.
"They have lots of socials," Duo announced.
They played this game for some time. Clearly the other three had played this game before and together. Attempting to be social and to not sound too much like he was conducting interrogations Heero asked enough questions that it was explained that Relena and Duo, who hadn't really said two words to each other during the wars and when Heero had been around, had entirely by coincidence, Duo claimed, both decided to finish school as much like normal people their own age as possible and picked the same school.
As Duo explained, he had been considering going back to school rather than attempt to test out or get a low-level job even before the coup staged by the Bartons. Relena said that after that coup, although peace had been reclaimed and seemed more lasting than before, there were some political concerns within the Colonies that the Vice-Minister of Foreign affairs, who actually was like a mediator between Earth and Colonial branches of the same ESUN government, could not accurately represent Colonial interests as she had never spent much time in the Colonies. To ease those concerns, Relena had simply moved to the Colonies. Earth couldn't claim to worry she was unable to represent them, she'd lived there most of her life and been a Princess and Queen and remained well loved and respected.
Relena had naturally chosen to continue her education in her new home and had chosen a respected private school near her work and home.
Duo had not wished to go to a public school, because of his notoriety, and had not been able to afford many private schools so hadn't even bothered to apply to those, until one contacted him. Being he was famous it seemed that people might wonder if he would want to go to their school. They offered him a full scholarship if he completed high school there. Duo said they'd given him some pitch about hearing that he was the sole survivor of the Maxwell Church Massacre and wanting to give him an education out of respect for those who were lost. Duo believed their motives might be forcing at least two more years of religion classes on him or being able to claim to prospective students and their parents that a Gundam pilot had gone to their school.
This was when Heero learned that Adin, under some circumstances, had been a Gundam pilot. Relena said they had nearly broken her rules about not discussing war or business and Heero would have to wait to hear the story. In any case, Adin and his brother Oder, who was the boy wandering the house with Midii, had both piloted Gundams and also attended St. Joseph Cupertino.
Duo then ranted about how lame it was that the patron saint of pilots and Aviation was some mad levitating monk.
Heero decided against questioning Duo on a religious subject and thought it a wise choice.
Duo had four jobs, he said. He hadn't brought up work. Heero had asked if they all spent much time together and Adin had said, "On those rare occasions when Relena isn't with the delegates or giving a speech and on the same day Duo doesn't have to go to one of his fifteen jobs we do come over here and hang out."
"It's just four jobs, besides going to school."
Heero didn't understand how Duo could do so much. But then Duo had explained that they were all very much part-time. Relena had stopped him from talking about the jobs in particular by making her character, Julien, approach Leander and passionately kiss him.
"See, I can do your guy too, Heero?" Relena said. Julien kissed Yukio after Leander. This amused Duo apparently.
"Do me, do me," Adin cheered.
Relena did.
The way they played games and joked, it felt different. It seemed like what teenagers in movies and television sitcoms did. They went to school. They flirted. They joked. They played video games. They were being normal; it was fun.
They were in a part of the game in which the characters had traveled through time and were now fighting Nazi's within Germany. The voice of the character Julien kept saying, "I hate to kill someone with such good fashion sense." Heero supposed this would be more amusing to him if he had read the books.
As they were fighting a mob of Sturmabteilungen Hilde came in. Duo had moved to sit at Heero's side rather than on the arm and Hilde sat on the arm. "Aw, who is playing Yukio? He's one of my favorites."
"Heero is."
Hilde slid to the couch cushions, sprawled somewhat in the space behind Duo. Heero only glanced back at her before returning his eyes to the screen. He felt Hilde rearranged herself and he noticed one of her legs slide into the space between Duo's leg and Heero's.
"You didn't come say hi to me or anything Heero. I'm hurt."
She had been engaged in conversation with others, and it wasn't like they had been close. "Really? I..."
"Don't listen to her, Heero," Duo said, then grunted with the effort of pressing a whole lot of buttons at once to slice the last few Nazi's with Leander's broadsword. "She's teasing you. Hilde, you aren't hurt."
"No. I think you have to be close with someone before they can hurt your feelings. But I just thought it would have been nice if he had said something."
Heero glanced over his shoulder. Hilde was gazing at him, coolly, with a cheek pressed to the back of Duo's shoulder and a hand at Duo's waist. Heero suddenly felt like he was intruding on their space, even though he had been there first.
Heero looked back to the screen. Leander had taken a lot of hits. Yukio, not so many. They weren't in an area they could rest. "You should do that bite thing," Heero suggested.
"Yeah, thanks. Kewl."
"So, I met Midii," Hilde said. Heero felt fingers on his back through his clothing. "She seems nice." Hilde moved her hand up and down Heero's back. He had a sort of paranoid feeling, because he didn't know why Hilde was touching him. It didn't feel bad.
"We are just like brother and sister," Heero said as he focused on the game. Yukio said, "aishiteru." Heero had noted that the character was programmed to say that whenever Leander was the one drawing his blood, as if Yukio wanted nothing but to be feeding him.
Duo laughed. "That's not what I heard from Sobi! He said you were totally James Bond. You get the villain and end up in a vehicle with the girl! He said you seemed pretty close."
Heero growled.
"I don't have a brother," Hilde said. She was still rubbing Heero's back. "I can't imagine if I did I'd be stripped down to my undergarments and curled up with him in bed.
Heero did not remember being 'curled up.'
"I didn't have brothers and sisters for very long, but I know I didn't sleep with them practically naked," Duo laughed. "Friends, yeah, I'll mess around with friends... "
Heero wanted to know what 'mess around with friends' meant exactly.
"I have a brother and he and I never stripped down to undergarments and got into bed together," Relena laughed.
"I wouldn't mind getting into bed with your brother," Adin snickered.
Heero made a mental note that Adin definitely was attracted to men and then tried hard to get the image of Relena and Millard doing a strip tease out of his mind. It wasn't that it was an unattractive image, they were both like western ideals of beauty. It was just a bad image to have in his mind right now.
"I was drunk and the alcohol made me feel warm so I took off some clothes and then I just got sleepy and passed out," Heero said quickly, "I don't remember being curled up with anyone, but I don't want to accuse anyone of lying, so maybe Sobieski saw that. I am not used to sharing a bed with anyone so I have no idea what I would do in my sleep. That's all. It wasn't glamorous, but that is the truth. There was no 'getting the girl.'"
"Hitler Jugend!" Adin warned.
Heero noticed quickly that the HJ were not so hard to kill as the SA, but as hostile characters they performed the action or trying to place badges on the party as they were attacking them with knives and hand-to-hand moves. Heero knew of the badges, combinations of stars and triangles that by color or combination marked the various undesirables under the Nazi regime.
They were easier to kill because they were young and not heavily armored... as they wore those costumes that reminded Heero of the uniforms he had Trowa and Wufei wear during the Barton's coup. The game violence had just seemed funny before, but now it actually disturbed Heero that they were fighting children. And then just as Duo was saying something about going to a night club that night after the party Heero saw one of the pink triangular badges.
The dream that sometimes became a nightmare came back to him at the combination of Nazis, nightclub and that badge. Someone said something that sounded like, "Fackin Doitsujin!" Heero honestly didn't know if that was him or someone in his dream or Yukio.
Heero wasn't aware of the game anymore. He was aware of being in the hallway. He was aware of finding the kitchen. He was aware there was a door exiting the house. He went to the door.
He didn't open the door; he just leaned against it. The air was the same air everywhere in the colony; its quality changed little from its filtered state. There was no going to get fresh air. He might feel less trapped in the larger space between buildings, but Heero knew there was nothing physically wrong. If he felt trapped it was not a physical trap.
He was being dramatic, rushing out of rooms and such. It was Relena's party and her birthday. Heero shouldn't do anything to cause her to worry or to be upset. He turned and sat down on a stool before a counter. There had been servants in the room when he came in; he had noted them subconsciously. They were gone now. The door was open a crack and someone was there.
"Duo," Heero sighed.
The door opened. "Oi, you OK?" Duo asked.
"Daijobu."
Duo came to sit on the stool beside Heero. He touched a knapsack in front of him. It was likely his school bag. Heero suspected Duo had avoided detection earlier by coming in the back door. "No, you're not. I don't think it's Hilde, but she wanted me to ask."
Why would she think so? Because Heero must have been the one speaking and he had said German rather than Nazi. Hilde was German, apart from being Colonial and a citizen of the Earth Sphere. "No. It wasn't Hilde at all."
"I didn't guess so, but now I can tell her I asked like she wanted me to. She's just naturally a physically affectionate person and it can be entirely on a friendly level with her. It's one of the things I like about her. If she ever does bother you, just tell her. Nicely I mean. She'll find someone else to pet."
"It wasn't that."
"Yeah, well, I just thought, for future information. You worried at first, I saw you. That can be just between us of course."
"Right."
"You want to talk about it? That's what people always say to me. 'Ya wanna talk about it?' It's supposed to help."
"Not especially."
Duo opened his bag and removed a print book. "The game is pretty kewl as video games go but it can get pretty violent. This is one of the books. This is the one that explains most of what happens with Yukio and Leander. It's mostly takes place about 300 years ago during those wars. There's no slaying mobs of HJ in the books. It's more espionage and politics and romance with a whole lot of characters not being human. I like the stories I guess. You could borrow this one if you want."
"I mostly read Science-Fiction."
Duo frowned. It felt like getting 'access denied' from a system. Heero wanted access.
"I could try it, I just wanted to be clear that it wasn't what I would usually choose. That doesn't mean I can't like it."
"Right, you could just try if you want." Duo sighed. "I keep waiting for you to lecture me now you're back. I keep waiting for you to tell me how wrong or pointless it is to just act so happy and normal all the time."
"What do you mean, exactly? Why do you think I would say that?" Heero asked.
Another sigh. "Because it's what I tell myself." Duo continued, but he threw his voice so that he sounded like an older more threatening version of himself, "Duo, how can you think that you can be like a normal person after everything you did? How can you dare to seek happiness for yourself at all? You are a fool, Duo. You go to school and you go to work like nothing ever happened. You joke. You hope. Don't you remember how many people died because of you?"
Heero swallowed. That was terrifying. That was more terrifying than his recent nightmares. It sounded like the thoughts inside his head when he had wanted to die. Heero shook his head. "I would never say that to you."
"Oh. Good." Duo laughed softly and lay his head on his bag. "It's just me then."
"I..."
"Confessing love again?"
Heero knew Duo could tell the difference in pronunciation. He smiled at the joke. "I had thoughts like that too. I am not shocked that you would think them. However, I think that voice is wrong."
"He talks to you too, huh?"
Heero knew who Duo meant. Duo wasn't crazy, he just chose to personify things. He meant: "You thought about death too?" Heero said, "Appeared with a scythe and black robes and 'nine yards' of hair and told me how bad I had been." This wasn't literally true of course, but some of his dreams combined with his most paranoid suicidal days and it was not far from the truth, if a more figurative way to tell it.
Duo choked a laugh. "What do you tell him when he says that?" It really did seem to make Duo more comfortable to make it a person. Heero didn't fully believe that Duo believed Shinigami had appeared to either of them.
Heero nodded. "It took me a while to think of this, but honestly, I say something like, 'You are correct. I have been bad. My intentions were good, but I hurt people. I truly feel terrible about it, but I am still alive and it will do no one good for me to be overcome with guilt now. I am young. If this peace lasts I might grow to be very old. I can do very many good things. Maybe, when it is my time to die it will seem I have done more good than bad."
"That sounds pretty good. That's better than what I come up with."
"What did you come up with?"
"Fuck off! I may be damned but I'm not in Hell yet, Mother Fucker, so get off my ass and let me have just a little bit of happiness before you take me too... and..."
Heero was just a little taken aback by the language. He had heard rough language before and from Duo, but he was shocked at the genuine emotion that was in his voice, as if Duo were speaking to Death right then. "And what?"
Duo's voice was small, but he offered the information, "He can't hurt me anymore by taking people I love because I won't let that happen."
Only for a second Heero suspected Duo meant that no one would die. Duo did clearly believe anyone could die. Duo meant that he refused to love anyone. In a sad way it made good logic. If it hurt that loved ones died then one could avoid that pain either by preventing the death or preventing the love.
His chest hurt. Heero rubbed at the place over his heart. He felt sad. Somehow, he knew this wasn't feeling that he was sad. It wasn't being aware of someone else's sadness, thought he was. This was feeling sadness that belonged to another person. Heero looked at Duo. Duo hurt like this.
"You don't have to feel like this."
Duo shrugged. "Ya know, we should get back to the party."
Heero whispered, "Duo, you wouldn't tell my secrets so I won't tell yours. Listen. I'm not good at this. Talking I mean, but I don't want you to feel this sad. I felt this sad. Duo, what if you live longer?"
"I'm sorry I said all that. I don't know what I was thinking."
"You must have wanted to tell someone for a long time."
Duo shrugged.
"If you could bear to live longer then you could make sure to do things to redeem yourself and then when you did die you might not be damned, as you believe. If you don't have to fear damnation, then you don't need to fear dying and you can feel about people what ever you feel..."
"No I can't. You think I make this stuff up? I didn't even set out to tell you. I'm sure you think me crazy. Heero... I've lost three families. Three times. They died because I messed up."
"But..."
"Shut up. It was me. You can't make up for that! You can't just save the world and try to save lives and be forgiven. I even kill people when I'm trying to save lives."
"Stop!" Heero lowered his voice, "Duo, stop. Duo, I'm not better than you. I am the same as you. I was responsible for killing innocent people and pacifists. All these people walk up to me and salute and thank me for saving the world and I just feel nauseated thinking about all the death. Duo, you have to have hope. You have to hope that this time they won't die. If you can't... if you can't hope then I can't hope either and that will mean we're both damned and maybe there is Hell and we'll both end up there together." Heero shook his head, "All I have is that hope, Duo. I run the numbers and values in my head every night and I hope I use the future to make up for all the bad things I did. I need that hope, Duo. You need it too. Just believe it's there."
He just sat straight and stared.
Heero felt distressed but it was his own feeling. He made a note to find Quatre's phone number. "It's not wrong trying to have a normal life. It isn't about deserving it, Duo. It's just a matter of being a functioning part of society as opposed to being a... basket case. You just go to work and get an education and be social because that's what people who are alive and at peace do. You just go through the motions and hope that it won't permanently be going through motions and you will get something out of it. I had fun, you know? When we were all playing the game. Before I started having flashbacks I was really having fun playing a game with all of you. I refuse to believe I don't deserve that. I am trying so hard to live. I deserved that moment. Don't you think?"
"It's like you save up your words all the time so you can sound more important when you give your speeches."
"Scary?"
"Here and there." Duo smiled.
Heero felt like there was some comforting gesture that should be appropriate. Gestures, like sounds, could differ in meaning depending on one's cultural background. Heero hadn't tried to touch anyone before except to hurt them. There had been accidental contact and people had taken him into their arms or touched him. When he was young there had been hands and sometimes metal appendages tousling his hair.
He had touched Relena's hair, he recalled. It had just looked pretty at the moment and he had been concerned that she had been in danger again. He was concerned for Duo now in another way. Duo's hair was pretty. A warm medium tone brown, with locks that fell just so over his eyes and a long braid behind. Heero reached toward him slowly. Duo had his head resting in his arms, with his face turned to watch Heero.
Heero touched the stray strands of hair near Duo's ear. The hairs caught in his earrings here and there. Heero smoothed the hair back over his ear. Duo remained very still but Heero heard him let out a breath in a low sigh. Heero didn't think presents could make up for serious oppressive feelings but he wanted to do anything to make Duo feel better. He understood how Duo felt, because he had felt that way before. He might again in the future. Heero wished that when he felt bad there was someone who would try to make him feel better. Maybe if he helped Duo one day Duo would do the same for him.
It had worked in the past. A rescue for a rescue. A hit for a hit. What they gave to each other would be returned.
"Come upstairs with me," Heero said.
Duo's eyes went wide and then blinked. He lifted his head. "Huh?"
"Upstairs, I just want to give you something," Heero explained.
"Yeah... OK." Duo slipped from the stool. Heero saw he put the book into his bag then slung the bag over his shoulder. Heero started toward the door to the hall but Duo pointed out a back stairway. Duo led the way up the stairs.
Heero looked down the hall when they reached the second floor. He spotted the stairs. "Pagan said it was on the left from the front stairs so..."
"You had him put stuff away for you? They probably used my room, it's right there."
Duo's room? The door he pointed out was second on the right from this point. Duo was putting his bag on the desk when Heero came into the room. There was a mobile computer on the desk, decorated with some stickers on its casing. The single bed strewn with coats and bags was made with plain white sheets and a black comforter. The small closet was open and a Preventer uniform was hanging in it.
"Do you...?" Heero thought the question might be too personal or have an answer Heero should have realized on his own. "Do you have a home?"
Duo laughed. "Yeah, this probably seems a strange arrangement, huh? I share a flat in Gotham with Hilde, that's where the most of my stuff is, it's where my mail goes, and it is where I pay rent. Of course, it's pretty inconvenient me going to school over here, with the time difference and commuting costs, so I stay at the dorms in HQ during most of the week so I can get to school. I fly back to S3 for the weekend, picking up cargo at the port to cover the commuting costs if I can, I work at our shop there. Sometime very early Monday I fly back, with cargo and then go to school. Headquarters can be a drag sometimes so Relena lets me have a guest room. Actually, it's more often than not on the clock. Sometimes if I'm not here Dorothy is the agent paid to play bodyguard, but Dorothy sleeps in Relena's room, if she sleeps."
Dorothy too? Dorothy Catalonia was a Preventer now? Heero wondered about that, but he said, "Oh. They assigned you to protect her?"
"I volunteered, since you weren't around, thought someone should and who else do we really trust with the job?" Duo laughed and sat down on the bed, his bed. "And we're friends too, right? Might as well collect pay for watching out for my friends. Can always use money."
"Aa." Heero looked for his satchel. He supposed it was on the bed and moved closer to look.
"So, you wanted to get something from a bag or something?" Duo asked, "Or did you just say that so you could get me up here and have your way with me?" The tone sounded serious. Duo had struck a curious pose. His wrists were pinned together above his head and against the wall and he'd drawn his right leg up onto the bed and bent his knee, so that his thighs angled away from each other.
Heero's eyes followed the pose from hands to face, to throat where one button was undone to crotch.
Did Duo really think Heero had tricked him? Or was this 'messing around' to Duo? "I don't..." Heero started. He really wasn't sure if this was a joke. "I have a present for you, Duo."
"A present?" Duo asked loudly. He dropped his hands to the space between his legs and inclined forward, almost touching his right knee with his chest.
Heero felt more comfortable now Duo didn't look like he was offering himself for some sort of sex act. Which one? Heero wondered about the sex acts he'd seen description or graphics of. No, he told himself, don't picture it. Heero found his satchel and pulled it out from under a jacket. "Well, yes. I bought you a gift. I was thinking about you recently. You may have been told something about what happened with Trant. I was regretful that you must suffer someone who hurt you to live. Still, I couldn't let anyone be killed if I could help it. I don't even know what he did to you but I'm sure it wasn't pleasant..." Duo wasn't saying anything. He was hugging his leg and watching Heero, quietly. "I wanted to find some gesture to show how I felt, and also, I remembered that it was Relena's Birthday when we first met. I didn't know if you had a birthday. The date on my ID is fake. I thought maybe today could be the day I give you a present."
"I'm so sorry I shot you," Duo rasped.
Heero shook his head as he took the paper parcel from his satchel. "That's past. You did it because you were trying to save a life. You're a good shot. You purposely aimed for the fleshy areas in my arms and legs. You didn't even try to kill me." Heero looked up, holding the wrapped kimono. "I forgive you, Duo, for all the times you hurt me."
Duo grinned and seemed generally more... bouncy. "I forgive you too, Heero. Seriously. I really forgive you!"
"This is for you."
Duo smiled and took the parcel. His fingers touched the writing.
"I only had it done. I didn't try to wrap it myself."
"That's cool." Duo carefully unwrapped the garment from the paper. Heero watched his facial expressions shift and watched his hands. Duo's eyes widened only slightly when the first bit of fabric was revealed. When the garment was free of the wrapping he smoothed his hands over the cloth. His smile grew. Duo unfolded the kimono then, slowly, examining it. His fingers paused on the tag sewn into it the kimono. He swallowed audibly. "Oh. Oh, Heero. Heero."
Was that a good reaction or bad?
Duo was shaking, Heero thought. He was practically panting. "Oooh, Heero."
"Isn't it OK? Does it offend you?"
Duo shook his head wildly. The obi fell between his legs and he rubbed a sleeve against his cheek. "Heero... I love it, but I can't take this. I just can't. Do you know what this is?"
"Of course I know. I bought it for you. You said you like it... is it very inappropriate? Duo, I tried so hard to find you the right gift..."
"Heero, this is an Utsugi Ai kimono! Brides in Kyoto wear her stuff! It's fucking made of silk! Look at it. There's no way I could give you anything this nice."
Heero shook his head, "I don't care. I didn't do it to make you want to do something for me. You've already done so many things for me. You were a better friend to me than I have been to you. I wanted to..."
"But..."
"It's not wrong to act on your feelings. If I wanted to show you appreciation and I acted on that then you can't make me think it is wrong. It is your kimono, Duo. Ai-sama wrote your name on it because she knew it must be for you. She meant for you to have her kimono and I want you to have it. I think it is very beautiful. The workmanship is flawless, right? You deserve it!"
Duo practically leapt from the bed. Heero saw the obi falling to the floor and commanded his hand to catch it. The fabric came into his fingers and Heero's knuckles grazed the inside of Duo's thigh as he straightened. Then Heero felt hands on him and arms. By the time he stood Duo was holding him, with his arms pressing Heero's back in diagonals across his spine. Heero's right hand was trapped between their bodies and holding the black and indigo obi. His left hand hung, until he lifted it to Duo's hip.
Duo whispered at his right ear, "I'm sorry I protested. I love the gift. I like quite a lot of Japanese things, actually."
Heero didn't want to be let go. He thought: This is human contact. This is intimate physical contact. I'm human. I require this. I will function better if I am allowed this. Heero closed his eyes and all the past casual touches came back to him. Now it seemed Duo had been touching him all the time. He had thought it annoying, the way Duo had hung on him, but really it had helped him feel human. Heero thought about the times they had each helped the other to walk when they were injured. It had been practical, but no one had forced them to do it.
Heero thought of Midii explaining why Akairo and Blaec should be together. He thought of pressing the buttons that made Yukio kiss Leander, just for fun. He thought about Sobieski saying the Lieutenants talked about him. He thought of Duo winning money in an office pool. Heero thought about Ai-sama knowing just what man Heero would be buying a kimono for. He thought about Vero saying Duo was gorgeous.
Duo moved away. It had all happened within several seconds, Duo leaving the bed, the hugging, and Duo moving away. Duo was folding up the kimono. He said, "I better put this away for a while. Relena would feel bad if she saw I got it today..." he straightened and looked to Heero.
Heero was still occupied with his thoughts. He didn't know exactly what was going on because he hadn't felt exactly like this before. He hesitated to name and file this. He thought, he definitely wanted to stay good friends with Duo. He just wanted to be near him. He didn't want to give up his own goals, he just wished that Duo might be involved in the social aspects of his goals right now.
Duo was looking at Heero strangely.
"What?"
"I said, 'unless you got Relena something even more special.'"
"No. I mean, her present is special enough. It just..."
"I thought so." Duo put the kimono on a shelf in his closet.
"Here, you need this," Heero said, tossing the obi over the bed.
Duo caught the fabric neatly then folded it. "We should go back to her. They might still be worried or think..."
"What would they think?"
Duo smiled as he turned his face to the closet and shrugged. "They might wonder what we've been doing."
"Oh. We could say, 'just talking,' or 'catching up,' those would not be lies."
"Right. They'll joke, but I'll tell them the truth."
"May I ask you something, Duo?"
"Shoot."
Heero hesitated. Now and then slang in any language might confuse him, because he had focused on learning a general vocabulary in so many languages. He intuited the meaning from context. "Right. I saw your yearbook and..."
Duo cackled. "God! You saw that? We were completely sleep deprived and dosed up on caffeine when we sent those in. I basically recall that I must have said really goofy stuff that sounded hilarious at the time."
"Oh. That's good. Then you weren't feeling suicidal."
"Huh?"
"You talked about death in French."
More laughter. Duo leaned against the wall between closet and bedroom door and held his stomach. "You mean 'Une Petite Morte?'"
Heero made a nod.
Duo grinned. In French, that's a euphemism for 'orgasm.'
So, Duo had written in his yearbook a Remember When that asked: what is an orgasm between friends? Perhaps this related to the 'messing around' he had hinted at before. If he and Relena were good friends, did Duo mean that he and Relena...
"You didn't... with Relena? Did you have sex with her?"
"No!" Duo laughed, "We just fooled around a little... like kissing and stuff... it wasn't serious, just like totally casual. It just happened a few times."
Heero didn't feel very good about this. Duo and Relena had kissed each other repeatedly? What about him? The horrible longing was back. Heero didn't want to be selfish, but he realized now he had wants of his own, even if he should suppress them for some greater good. Duo and Relena were the two people he had been closest to. He wasn't even very good at being social, even with them.
If there was any real chance they were going to be together... he would feel left out. But, he supposed, if they became serious all he could do was let them be. He wanted them to be happy.
"Heero? Are you OK? Are you mad?" Duo asked. He walked around the bed again and reached slowly to touch Heero's shoulder.
Heero said nothing. He just wished things were different.
It was made clear that Duo interpreted the silence as anger. "Well, you don't really have a right to blame anyone. I guess you can feel mad if you like and act on it but you can't blame anyone! You left. I guess I understand that you did it to recover, but some of us needed to recover just as much and we stayed around and worked to maintain peace. She thought she loved you, for a long time she believed it and Relena was sad you were gone and lonely. And I was nothing but friendly with her. I'm still nothing but friendly with her. Still, she was alone, with her mother living on Earth still, and the brother that she'd found gone away again and you gone. Maybe you can't understand it, Yuy! Maybe they trained you not to need simple contact? But the rest of us can't lock our feelings in a box. I know I can't live if I don't have something like affection. Do you understand? I feel the death all around me if every day I don't have a live human being near me and touching me. I need it. God, Heero... so I kissed her? So what? I kissed quite a few people. It's not like I was fucking them all. I just wanted to not feel dead!"
He had tears in his eyes. There were real tears burning his eyes. "Fuck you, Maxwell!" Heero shouted in relatively clear English, his voice was a little choked by sadness and anger. "Fuck you, they didn't train me like that!"
Duo rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Aw, Don't cry on me, Heero. Boy's don't cry."
"I am not a boy anymore," Heero rasped. He was feeling angry again. "It wasn't some possessive feeling toward Relena! It just hurts me in a stupid selfish way to know that you two had each other when I had no one. I was alone all the time I was away. Oh, Maybes! Duo, I thought I would really hurt someone, I wasn't well. Fuck you for not understanding, you... teme... you... fuck you!"
Heero saw Hilde coming into the open doorway. He must have flinched at the sight of anyone there. The anger was replaced by embarrassment that anyone should see him so emotional and upset. Duo turned his head and as he looked toward the door, it closed. It closed seemingly on its own, but Heero didn't think that possible.
Heero watched Duo turn toward him. It looked like he was emotional and maybe even upset and he was trying to maintain control. Heero felt he was doing that same thing. Duo flopped back against the wall with a soft thud. He extended his right hand. "Here," he said.
Heero suppressed the anger that remained and put his left hand into Duo's right. Duo drew him in and Heero let himself be drawn in. He moved his feet sluggishly and was soon standing close before Duo.
"Say you forgive me, again," Duo whispered, his voice scratchy. His eyes were closed.
"I forgive you."
Duo opened his eyes. He did not seem taller than Heero, slumped against the wall. He looked at Heero so that their eyes met. In the dim room, Duo's eyes just looked dark. "Me too. I'm not mad really. I don't want Quatre to appear and kill us both for fighting." He laughed weakly.
"I think... I have been away too long."
"No. I said you had no right to blame us, but then I realized I was blaming you and I don't have the right to do it. Obviously, you were on your own because you felt it necessary. All the fighting and things being so intense, and then being apart for so long... you know... " Duo touched his throat.
Heero felt his voice was strained from the shouting. He hardly ever shouted. He hardly ever had emotional outbursts, like the one he'd just had... several actually. "Right. I should have been prepared. I should have figured this was a possible outcome, us being so emotional, saying all the things we saved up for a year."
"Or I should have, but we didn't. Let's forget it. Heero, I don't want to fight with you."
"I don't want to fight." Heero widened his stance and inclined toward Duo.
"Oi, are you one of the people that is coming to look at the mobile suits tomorrow?"
Midii must have set the Lowe Security line to forward to her first. Heero had permitted this but he had not checked or changed that status. This was the first he knew of the meeting. "Yes. I am the only one who has to be there." Their hands slid against each other and their fingers entwined. Heero lifted Duo's hand with his so that both were level with Duo's shoulder.
"Why don't you just come home with Hilde and me?" Duo offered. "We have a spare bed. You gain hours going over, it's just bad coming back the other way. I know. School on Monday's is always a bitch."
"I do not know if I should. I haven't even moved into my apartment fully. I haven't packed clothing."
"Please. I'm so busy, I'm sure you've figured it out. It's difficult to catch me not working. Come home with me tonight. We can do whatever you want. Gotham's not so bad, it's kinda like being in London or New York without a sky." Heero did know that in Side 3 the colonies within the cluster were designated with a letter code and a 3 to 5 digit number as in most of the Colonies, but S3 locals were in the habit of referring to entire colonies within their cluster by names. Gotham was V08744.
Duo continued when Heero didn't answer, "I'll give you clothing. It's just for a day and I have stuff that I outgrew. You can have all of it you like, I just never got around to donating it to anyone else."
Heero inclined as far as he could and let his body fall against Duo so that his legs touched Duo's legs, his pelvis was aligned with Duo's pelvis, and his chest touched Duo's chest. Heero's forehead touched the wall just over Duo's shoulder. Heero did not like admitting weakness, but he had to accurately assess himself and his situation, that was his way. He had requirements that he could not meet alone. Duo was right, humans were not mean to be alone. They needed contact, if not outright affection.
Duo lifted his free hand to Heero's back. Heero wanted this to continue. He didn't want it to end in several seconds. Of course, he was still at odds with himself over when it was not selfish and pointless to indulge want and desire. Heero had to tell himself that this was practical. It was simply a matter of fulfilling a operating requirement.
But, if it was entirely a practical matter anyone could have held him. Duo had said he had kissed a number of people, just out of need. He had sounded desperate, as if he had some preference as to who gave him affection but still took it anywhere he could get it. Heero had felt desperate on some days. He had wondered if he would get to the point where he would let anyone have his body. Right now, Heero didn't think he wanted just anyone.
He couldn't trust just anyone. He could trust Duo with his life. He couldn't talk to just anyone and have them understand. Duo was able to understand very many things about Heero. And this vanilla spice sort of smell that was Duo. Heero had only noticed it before in close proximity to him. He liked it. Duo's body was warm and strong. That was good. He probably wasn't as strong as Heero, but that wasn't the point. Heero did sense strength in Duo's hands. He also knew that Duo would likely hold his own against him. Another smaller body and Heero might have really feared he could hurt them.
Heero felt Duo strain against him. He was between Heero and the wall, so he could not very well move. Heero growled, not wanting Duo to leave him. Heero was thinking, Duo might leave if he threw his weight to one side suddenly or slid downward. And then Heero was throwing up both his hands to catch himself before hitting the wall.
"Sorry," Duo said quietly, now near the door. Heero rolled his shoulders back then stood straight and glared. He noticed when he looked at Duo that his skin was colored with blood. He grinned widely. "Guess we should go downstairs," he said, "Ya never know, someone else might want to use the room!"
Heero wondered why, but he didn't say anything, he just stalked after Duo when he left the room. Hilde was lurking about the middle of the front staircase. She gave a nod to Duo. He slipped an arm about her waist and they moved down the stairs together. Heero saw Duo kiss Hilde's cheek as they moved and then Hilde whispered to Duo. He laughed. At the bottom of the stairs Hilde parted from Duo and smiled up at Heero, she was even shorter than he was.
"I didn't eavesdrop, I just went upstairs to make sure you weren't both killing each other. Mariemaia said she heard shouting."
Heero bowed his head then straightened. He couldn't think of anything appropriate to say.
"Duo says he invited you to stay the night with us. You coming?"
Heero didn't suppose he had given Duo a clear answer. "Yes."
"Do you cook?"
"I know..."
"Sorry, I meant that to be a joke, mostly, that wasn't very clear. You would be our guest, of course you don't have to do any chores. We'll take care of you." Hilde laughed, "Fortunately Gotham does have every kind of take-out."
She was saying that she and Duo did not cook very well and Heero should be prepared for something other than a home-cooked meal in their home or else possibly be disappointed. Heero hadn't really expected anything fancy. When Duo had asked, he hadn't felt it was like having a formal invitation to visit for dinner and breakfast, it had seemed more like Duo was offering... Heero knew there was a word for this, not slang really, but jargon. "Was I wrong in thinking Duo was offering more of a crash pad than a dinner invitation?" Heero asked.
Duo was in the parlor talking to Relena. The room was crowded so Heero thought she might be preparing to open some presents while her guests were there to thank.
Hilde shrugged, "It's you, Heero, I'm sure you could crash at our place any time you were in the area... but to me it seemed more like Duo was interested in you being entertained."
Duo was entertaining.
Relena opened her presents, thanking each of her guests as she came to their gift. Heero stood watching from the archway between hall and parlor. Relena was surrounded by her girl friends and so he thought there was no reason for him to get closer. Duo came to his side and hung his arm on Heero's shoulder. Heero hooked a thumb through Duo's farthest belt loop.
Duo chuckled. "Oh, look, you made Dorothy happy," Duo whispered.
"Eh?"
Duo talked through his teeth, "You can't see she has a crush on Relena?"
"Hn. Her too? Really?"
"Uh huh. Clueless in love, ya know." Duo snickered, "Relena likes guys. Guess you can't help who ya love, but Dorothy's actually get some if she gave Yasmin a second look."
By process of elimination Heero figured Duo was referring to the Arab girl sitting right next to Dorothy on the couch. "What's that have to do with me?" Heero whispered.
Duo reached behind his back and pat Heero's arm. "Ya keep up with the PDA's and Dorothy will figure there's another man she doesn't have to worry about." Duo laughed. "I don't think she gets that Adin and I are bi, or she'd be as rude to us as she is to other guys."
Heero understood 'bi,' although he didn't think it a good label. It seemed to him to have this connotation of 'both at once' when he thought the people it described really would accept one 'or' the other. PDA was what Heero didn't understand, he was sure it stood for a type of device, like a digital pad. Context was not helping. "The acronym."
"Public display of affection... not the digital assistants."
"Khoroshó," Heero said as he watched Midii laugh with Hilde and Adin. Dorothy thought that Adin and Duo were homosexual and that they couldn't be involved with Relena, so she was content with them being near Relena so often. If Heero so much as put an arm around Duo, Dorothy would start to hope he was homosexual as well. "Duo?"
"Hmmn?"
"Does she have anyone? Relena?"
"Prospects." Duo's hand slid off Heero's shoulder and down his back, he turned his head and leaned in to whisper at Heero's ear. "Do you think you want her? Look, if you do, she would forgive you. She didn't really stop loving you, it just became a different kind of love that didn't include being weepy and mopey or needy in any way."
Heero turned his head, his cheek brushing Duo's cheek as he moved to whisper. "I made her cry?"
"Teenaged girls cry. It wasn't your fault. Could you just tell me... if you want her?"
"Do you want her?"
"No!" Duo hissed in Heero's ear, "I just don't see why if you and her could be happy together anyone would get in your way."
Heero looked away from Duo to Relena. He also noted that Dorothy was watching him. Heero tried a smile for Relena. He had felt very close to her before, maybe he loved her. He certainly cared about whether she was OK. But he didn't think what he felt for her was what a boyfriend would feel. He certainly didn't for see marriage. Relena deserved someone committed who wasn't a political choice or famous, just someone that could love her. Love would be a reason for someone to want them apart. Dorothy probably believed she loved Relena and so she didn't want any man close to Relena.
Heero turned again, his lips touched Duo's earlobe. "It's not romantic, between Relena and I... not anymore," he whispered.
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