Another Version of Events
by Karan Seraph
Chapter 95
Much of Friday had been spent in research. A length-wise half of a
sheet of medium density fiberboard, white spray paint and a marking
crayon had been appropriated from the construction supplies
overnight and with Duo's assistance, Heero had sprayed the board and
when dry, drawn upon it a simple human figure with arms held
overhead, exactly Duo's size, as if as a target for practice. It was
a practice target of sorts, but not for any guns or knives. Heero
spent most of the hours he was not sleeping, eating or reading,
testing and mastering the various implements of torture Duo had
purchased.
Duo had acted as eager tutor, for he knew very well how the
implements were used, even if he did not wish to use them upon
Heero. The target was less yielding and flatter than an actual body,
but practicing upon it would still serve to train Heero's accuracy
and general use of unfamiliar weaponry. Duo would demonstrate with
strikes upon the target, and then coach Heero with light touches to
his body to improve his form and verbal instruction and correction
given in his best phone/bedroom voice.
Heero found the reading materials, video demonstrations, verbal
instruction and simulation practice effective training methods. He
was satisfied with his progress. He was happy that his tutor
communicated that he also noticed the progress.
"Wanna move onto live tests?" Duo asked in that same tone he had
been using all day. Heero's eyes left the target and shifted to Duo,
at his side. He was close, a hand on Heero's shoulder. "Let's do it.
Time for live tests. Punish me. I need it. I can't just train myself
the way you can."
Heero smirked. But Duo could, he thought. "I had help," Heero said
softly, "but if you do not believe, let me show you that you have
plenty of self discipline."
"No."
Heero nodded firmly. "Strip. Up against the board. Hold you hands
there." Heero pointed out the location on the upper part of the
board with the end of the crop he was holding. "No restraints this
time. Do this for me. Do it. Now."
Duo complied. He removed his clothes. Having him naked but for
bondage gear for a day had been fun, but Heero had had enough
distraction from his studies to deal with already and sometimes what
one could not see was sexy.
Duo pressed himself up against the target. It was securely screwed
to the wall of Heero's office and smooth, so there was little risk
in his being harmed by leaning against it. Heero supposed visitors
would be free to assume it either artwork or practice target. There
was nothing to say what manner of target practice it was used for,
and any evidence other use left upon it could be wiped from the semi-
gloss surface. Any visitors Heero allowed into his office probably
already knew an uncomfortable amount about Heero and Duo's
activities together.
"And you will tell me what you are being punished for."
"Heero", he complained.
"Be more respectful."
"Yes, Master." Best to make Duo as comfortable as possible, Heero
thought. He wanted to say 'Master', so Heero would tell him to do
it. "Please, you tell me."
"No. Not this time. You know what you did. Tell me, and I will
punish you." If 'Pet Duo' misbehaved Heero might scold him or choose
a punishment, but in training pets, it was really not effective to
punish later for past mischief. They would not connect the
punishment to the specific offense. Sometimes Duo needed scolding of
that type as much as Nu did when he tried to dig under the fence,
but Heero was certain that Duo sometimes needed another kind of
punishment.
He did not need Heero to tell him what he had done; Duo needed to
confess to Heero what he had done that he felt was wrong and Heero
needed to give him his penance in form of smacks and lashes.
Heero did not truly believe that he completely understood Duo, but
he did believe that he understood him well and more thoroughly than
most other people were able. Why was not important at this point,
only that Duo needed and Heero had some ability to perceive his need
and to fill that need.
The need was easy enough to know, the connection had been active
over a day, always open in the background, to be brought up the
instant Heero wished to understand his lover more clearly. Heero
dove for the data and came up understanding the need. It was mostly
clear from the use of the other five senses.
"Tell me."
Duo began. He stood, feet at roughly shoulder width, palms pressed
to the board just above the height his head reached. "I felt so bad
leaving you and Nu alone, and with each other', he said, and, 'I
neglected to call Hilde. She says she does not need me, but I feel
bad, and sometimes I think she is lying, and then I feel bad some
more that she's probably lying to protect me." He went on, naming
all the little things he thought he had done wrong.
Heero listened, put himself in a virtually detached state and
cataloged the offenses for future analysis and listened for key
phrases which would guide his encouragement or punishment, and dealt
out physical punishment as needed. He was always consciously focused
on Duo's physical responses, watching for redness, swelling or
blood, wanting to know that it hurt, but not too severely to be
effective training. It would do no good to harm Duo so severely that
he fed the distress instead of helping Duo work it out in this
therapy. Duo needed him, and so Heero was quite vigilant in
controlling the force of the contact.
Sometimes, when Heero switched from one implement to another, Duo
would call out and become the coach again and tell Heero if he was
performing adequately. Heero truly appreciated this. It was true
that Duo Maxwell could be hesitant to speak under certain
circumstances, but he did seem to understand Heero's need. He had
used only some of these implements before and so these were his
first live tests and only one of the later steps out of many in
mastering the tools. Heero could not learn quite as effectively if
Duo did not communicate with him during the tests.
It was also true Heero could have dove right into Duo's mind for the
information, but he was already multitasking as it was, learning,
and being so vigilant with Duo's skin and maintaining a connection
and memorizing Duo's confession in the case that he said something
that would be relevant in improving their relationship, or Duo's
life. Duo understood; he called out these warnings and approval very
clearly and calmly, even under torture.
Heero admired him very much for that, and that was just one of many
threads in the matrix of emotion that had become his unconditional
love for Duo Maxwell.
He was flying. Heero knew it. There was redness all over Duo's
buttocks, his thighs, his calves, and some coming up on his
shoulders. That area was more bony, but Heero had know that Duo
trusted him to test the rather expensive, and apparently well
balanced and sized kangaroo cat there. The confessions did not come
so fast anymore, and Heero thought perhaps they were nearly done,
but he suspected there was one more confession coming, something
that bothered Duo greatly, regardless of how serious or trivial it
might seem to Heero.
It came out rapidly, all strung together. "Sometimes I get really
attracted to other people, and I swear I haven't done anything, but
I think I want to sometimes and I try so hard not to even think
about it, because I know I want you, I want you and we agreed, and,
and, I didn't even want to tell you, because I thought it might just
hurt your feelings and make you worry every time I went away, and I
don't want to make you hurt, but I don't want to just be 'not lying'
on technicality, and I needed to tell you, and may it's selfish, but
Oh, God, Heero, I didn't do anything, but sometimes I almost, like I
want to, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, Heero."
That confession triggered such a string of key phrase recognitions
and alarms within Heero's mind that it took him a while to react at
all, and then it took another full second for Heero to decide what
to do with the way he felt. He went in, felt all the physical
sensations that Duo felt, felt his back burning, felt taller, and
then he focused and snapped the cat against Duo's back. Tears came
up in his eyes, but Heero was certain it was not a reaction to the
pain, or rather not the physical pain as he felt it. Duo cried out,
but then, Heero had been training all day, and he knew just how to
move his wrist to make the cat tails really sting Duo's skin.
"Stay there."
"Don't leave! I'm sorry!"
"I am not leaving", Heero said calmly. He was slightly surprised he
managed to sound that calm. He was not angry, but he was hurt. He
did not want to be hurt, and he knew it was perfectly normal and
natural to have such physical attractions, but he did not really
like to hear Duo say it, and he did not like that Duo seemed so
afraid to tell him, and he really did not like that Duo might have
reason to believe telling him was bad, and that made Heero feel bad
in an entirely other way.
Heero went to the desk, picked up one of the dildos Duo had
purchased and the container of lube they had begun using the day
before. He had seen that Duo washed the phallus, because it was
always wise to consider that things may not be sterile out of the
package.
"Heero."
"I amend: do not move." He had been trying to turn his head and look.
Heero slathered lube over the slim silicone dildo, closed the cap,
put the lube in a pocket, and then went to Duo. He touched the tip
of the toy to Duo's asshole.
"Please."
He was still flying, the pain coaxing his brain into signaling his
body to pump endorphins into his bloodstream, among other things.
Some people underwent the torture just for that high, but Duo needed
the punishment itself, and any pleasure other than psychological
release could be considered bonus. Heero could have fucked him dry
and it would feel good for the moment, but that was really not
Heero's style, and he had determined that the punishment was
finished.
Heero smacked Duo's buttocks with the flat of his hand, once, and
then pushed the dildo in. It was slim enough and slick, so Duo could
take it quickly. Heero had no intention to be rough with him now. "I
love you."
"Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes, yes!"
Heero rose up onto his toes and leaned in close, to whisper at Duo's
ear. His clothes probably felt very rough against Duo's reddened
skin, but he would just have to stand that small additional pain;
Heero was not certain if it was very painful, because the connection
was in the background again. "I really love you."
"I love you, too", Duo said quickly.
"Do not cheat, Duo-chan. Do not do it. It is natural enough, normal,
to have attractions to other people, to be tempted, but… if you are
someone who believes that you can marry me, in the future, then it
is definitely not acceptable for you to cheat. Even if I am only
ever a boyfriend, your partner short of marriage, you should have
common decency enough to break up with me very cleanly and
officially before you mess around with anyone else. Now, tell me you
understand."
"Yes. I know. It's wrong. I know. I didn't want to do it, really."
"Well, you might have wanted to, but you did not act on those
feelings. Telling me about the feelings was not wrong. I want you to
tell me whatever you need to tell me."
"I know that you do not like to hear", Duo said quietly, and then
moaned, because Heero was causing the dildo in his ass to wobble.
"That's right. It hurts. I do not wish it to hurt, but I am very
attached to you and though I feel secure that you do love me, I
cannot help that I feel pain when I hear that you think about
sharing your body with anyone else. Maybe that means I am jealous.
Irrelevant. I can take the pain. If you need to tell me to feel
honest, or OK, then just say what you need. I can take the pain. For
you, I will do it."
"I love you."
"Do not move. I need to get another toy."
"I want you."
"But, Duo-chan, we have not tested all your new toys yet, and how
many dildos did you go and buy?"
"Um, four, or seven, including the plugs and the one that vibrates."
Heero laughed near-soundlessly. "Well," he said then, "perhaps we
can save some, but I will test the four tonight. You can take it."
"OK, but if you want to test the big one, you better at least make
out with me and feel me up first, because I am not going to just
take it without all kinds of preparation."
Heero put the used toy down on a towel and considered what Duo had
said. He put his finger to the pad of his mobile computer, sitting
on the desk, and brought up a directory of graphics files and
videos. "Come here, in that case. I will continue with you leaning
over the desk. Visual stimulation should help, and you will only be
looking at me, or yourself if you must."
Duo did not move.
"You can move your hands from the board now. Come over here."
Duo pushed away from the target and walked across the small office
to Heero's desk. Heero had brought up the collection of risqué
photos they had taken of each other, plus those Cerise had given
them from her shoot. It was updated to the day before when Heero had
worn his White Rabbit costume.
Heero saw that Duo brought up the photo of Heero in the schoolgirl
costume. He shifted his focus to the adjacent area of the desk.
There were four dildos, apart from the plugs and vibrator Duo had
mentioned. One was rather slim, like a somewhat elongated finger,
two others were within average human penile proportion, one just a
bit longer; Heero could not tell only from looking if it had any
more girth, it might actually have been thinner. The forth was
probably at the extreme of human proportion and both thick and long.
It was similar in design to the purple one Duo had previously owned,
but red this time.
Heero lubed up Number Two. When he had worked it into Duo, going
slowly, he said, "You took your punishment very well. You needed it,
but it was also learning for me, today, so I thank you for that."
"You did it for me", Duo said slowly, with slight strain of
accustoming himself to the penetration.
"I did. For you."
"Thank you. That is nice. Perfect size, isn't it?"
"Thank you very much!" Heero said it in his facetious voice, knowing
the toy most closely approximated that of his own cock. Speaking in
said tone often meant he suddenly gained a glaringly obvious
Japanese accent, so it was all, 'Sank yuu beri much'!'. "I see you
purchased two that are larger!'
"Ow! That one is just to spice things up! I need the other to work
up to it. Fuck you for not taking a compliment. Size issue, much?"
"Duo-chan!"
"Hai!"
"You show more respect", Heero said, calm again. "I still have all
these torture devices lain out on the desk."
No snappy comeback, just a contented moan.
When Heero got to slipping Number Three in, he saw that Duo took a
step with each foot to spread his legs wider. As Heero began to work
it out and in again, he saw that Duo's pelvis pumped, as if
involuntarily. Heero leaned into Duo again, trapping his own hand
between Duo and himself, and putting pressure on the cock trapped in
his jeans. Duo hissed, probably the denim on beaten buttocks. "You
like this one. Added length really does something for you, even if
you enjoyed the last one."
Wordless affirmative.
"I think I will keep Number Three locked away and use on it whenever
I choose, maybe special occasions. Maybe if you are good. You can
take One and Two with you when you go to school. Nice additions to
your school bag, ne?"
Duo made a ragged sigh that passed for laughter while being
fucked. "What about Number Four?"
"We will get to Four." Heero still had work to do with Three,
pushing and pulling it in and out, making it wobble and stretch Duo,
leaning weight into Duo when the fake, silicone balls touched Duo's
ass. Heero closed his eyes and kept his body close to Duo. He wanted
his clothing to disintegrate. He wanted to ram his cock into Duo's
ass. This was too good to stop.
Heero liked this. He liked fucking Duo, but he knew in his mind that
Duo would allow that most of the time. Right now he had a perfect
opportunity to play with their new toys. In the past, they had
mainly been for Duo's personal use, as he got off on penetration
enough that he wanted to be able to have it when he was without a
partner. And sometimes Duo's toys had been used while Heero watched.
It had been rare Heero controlled the penetration of these toys.
It was a sort of power trip, regardless of the size of the toy, to
see Duo's reactions to getting fucked in this particularly detached
way. Good to control Duo's reactions, to see them, to hear them, to
know he caused them. It was like fucking, but without as sever a
risk of coming too soon or having to concentrate on not coming too
soon.
Heero wanted to see what it would be like if he used that other one.
He wanted to see how Duo would react to that, if he could make Duo
ready for it, if he could make Duo like it. But, he still wanted to
ram his cock into Duo's ass.
"I'm gonna…" Duo said, and though he continued, he did not have to.
Heero understood. He maneuvered under Duo's left arm, keeping his
right hand on the base of the dildo, and crouched in front of Duo.
"Give it to me", Heero told him. He just felt it would be better if
Duo came in his mouth. The actual cum in his mouth was not what
Heero liked, but he liked the not soiling the desk and Duo happy to
have his mouth on him aspects greatly. Besides, it meant feeling
Duo's dick in his mouth, if briefly, and Heero always liked that.
Sometimes, he dreamt scenarios in which he gave Duo blow jobs all
through the war, in their various costume changes, school uniforms,
that priest outfit, the green tank and black shorts, the flight
suits, denim and vinyl jeans, sometimes even a cyan sweater and a
hospital gown or a couple of OZ uniforms, but somehow, Duo never
quite looked fifteen, he probably never felt fifteen in those
dreams, because Heero had never been Duo's lover when they were too-
old kids and it was all just fantasies of doing then what he could
do now.
Those were the best nights, when Heero only had those dreams.
Duo came in his mouth and Heero swallowed. He gave Duo's soft dick a
kiss in appreciation; if it was Duo's, he nearly always called
it 'dick' in thought. Heero stood up then, between Duo and the desk.
"I wanna…" kiss him, Heero understood. Duo bowed his head until his
nose touched Heero's and then drew back a bit. "I wanted to before."
Meaning it was not purely out of kink because he might taste his cum
in Heero's mouth. Heero nodded. Duo smiled and then quickly opened
his mouth and sucked for Heero's lips. The speed was shocking for a
second, but Heero quickly responded, without having to think about
it, and they fell into a pleasant dance of lips, teeth and tongues.
So many times kissing Duo made Heero remember their first kiss. He
was sure he had forgotten very many completely satisfying kisses in
between, but that first kiss on the train was, apparently,
permanently burned in memory, protected and read-only. It was
special; Heero knew it. Maybe because it was his first, maybe
because it had been with Duo. Maybe the combination of those
factors. It had been so perfect… and chaotic. He had never grasped
the geometry of how it all seemed to go so well, and he could not
prove that it had only seemed perfect due to emotional investment,
because he could never reenact that exact series of movements with
another Duo-shaped person he never cared anything for.
Heero felt as if his heart jumped in his chest and he could not
begin to attribute to present kiss or memory kiss, but he was
certain Duo was the one that made him feel this way.
Duo's lips…"you are having some really beautiful thought about me."
"Ee?"
"Yeah, I can tell. You kiss different. It's nice. Like this." Duo
tilted his head to orient himself for the kiss and then… whatever it
was… mostly involving lips… it made his heart leap and his cock do
much the same. And then there was something else.
"Was I doing that… and then you…?"
"Yeah. That bit was prob'ly me kissin' you while being fucked.
Heero, you're still fucking me. Only reason I'm not screaming, is
because I am just so beyond screaming right now. Deepest fuck ever,
Baby."
The low sound of Duo's voice was as good as having his cock sucked.
Heero shook his head as if this could help him think. He had thought
Duo must be high, but he had to be completely deep space right now.
Heero was aware suddenly of what he was doing, cock pressing against
Duo's hipbone, hand in the crack of his ass, forcing the dildo in.
Duo sucked at his earlobe, and then the movement of his lips
changed, and that was Duo responding to acute pleasurable sensations
involving deep anal penetration and pressure on the prostate
gland. "Fuck me."
"Number Four."
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
"I can take it, sure, but kiss me first."
"No…"
Duo's tongue delved into his ear. "No?"
"Honey!" Heero's was so affected the 'H' came out heavily aspirated.
Duo moaned and tongued the folds of Heero's left ear.
"Honey, do not stop yet." A second. "Rub my feet later."
"What's that?"
"Oh, fuck! After. Rub my feet! Yes! I want you!"
Duo moaned an affirmative and put his mouth to Heero's neck, and
sucked.
And bit.
"No! Stop! Really. Shit! Verdigris! Shit!"
"Can't move any farther away with you holding that thing in my ass."
Heero tried just to breathe.
"Almost came right then."
"I will punish you for not making that a question."
"No question, Baby, you were going to cream the vintage Levis. If
you'd whip it out, I coulda at least caught it in my mouth."
"Thank you." He could see that Duo was being argumentative to help
him focus. "Number Four, and then I fuck you, which will probably
not take long."
"No complaints tonight, Baby."
Heero pulled Three from Duo's ass, perhaps too quickly, and there
was a pop sound as it came from him. Heero ducked under Duo's arm
and walked slowly around him to put Three on the towel with the
others. He rolled his shoulders, removed his shirt quickly, let it
drop wherever, and then picked up Four to apply some lube. It really
did look large.
"Just do it slow."
"I know. It is not monstrous size, Duo-chan, just large." It was
large, but his Duo-chan would still shrink down and be tight later;
Heero would stretch him slowly, that was the way to do it.
"Wait, wait." Duo wriggled, seeming to need to get his hips tilted
to the exact right angle. "OK, OK."
Heero spanked Duo's ass once, "for making it a statement." He pushed
Four against Duo's asshole then, and watched Duo's body stretch to
take it in. He almost came, again.
"Haaaa, Baby, you lock this one away when we're done."
"Aa."
"More. Yeah, more."
Heero gave him more.
The sounds Duo made… they were so good.
"I do not want to use it anymore. Duo, I need to… now…"
"Just, a sec…" Heero could see the shiver go through him. "Let me
ride this one…"
Heero pushed just a little more.
"Now! If you want… now! Go out hard and fast!"
"Hard?" He nearly choked, but still managed to draw the dildo out
very slowly before tossing it to the towel and franticly trying to
get out of his pants. When he was in Duo, it was just perfect, not
too loose. Heero only lasted three hard thrusts, but those three
thrusts felt worthy of the day of foreplay.
Heero bowed his head to Duo's shoulder and kissed his beaten, sweaty
skin.
"I can move now?"
"Duo-chan, you can do whatever you want."
He turned and put his hands on Heero, one on an arm, one against his
stomach. Heero saw Duo's dick was standing again. He looked up,
putting his own hands to each of Duo's arms. He must have smiled, or
smiled in a particular way.
"You're happy", Duo said.
Heero just smiled.
Duo smiled. It looked so lopsided and kewl.
Heero kissed him.
After a while, a long while, Duo drew his mouth from Heero's and
looked down into his eyes. "You really are happy. I wish I could
make you look like that every day."
Heero laughed, it might actually have sounded very warm and
giddy. "I am everywhere right now. I am so many things. I am so
totally deep space right now."
"Yeah. Yeah." Duo lowered his voice, "will take me a while to
understand why, if its the learning…or something else…" he shook his
head.
Heero dropped his right hand to Duo's dick. "I'll take care of this
in the shower, if you like."
"Let's go into the bathroom."
When they got into the bathroom, Heero dropped the towel and used
toys in the corner sink and then went to shower controls on the wall
opposite the door to the toilet.
"I want alone time", Duo said.
"Why? You want me to leave?" Heero saw Duo's expression shift, saw
his lips press together and was acutely aware that he had sounded
defensive, if not needy.
"Really, everything's OK, you can get a quick shower if you like,
whatever, but I just need to be in here alone a while. You don't
have to think it's because of you, or what we did, I mean, it really
is because of that, but not in a bad way that you should worry
about." Duo sighed deeply. "Fuck it, I don't need a reason. You
know…"
Heero nodded. "I know. Sometimes each of us needs space…no
questions. I will just change my plans." That took a moment,
switching from the mindset for giving Duo-chan handjobs and baths to
finding something else to do while Duo did what he needed to do. It
was not necessary for Heero to know what he did, though his mind
automatically offered several possibilities: attending to some
delicate matter of personal hygiene, tending wounds, collecting his
thoughts, crying. Heero was not sure why Duo would cry, whether it
would be out of happiness, guilt or release after therapy or sex; he
was not even certain Duo did cry in the bathroom, but the thoughts
shuffled through his mind.
Heero adjusted the temperature. "You should move back, it's cooler
than usual, not good for you after the punishment."
"No problem." Duo opened the sliding door to the toilet chamber and
entered it as Heero began to wash. He saw the door slide shut, but
not all the way, so that if Duo stood near the toilet, he might turn
his head and see Heero showering. Maybe he did just that; Heero
tried not to think about it. He thought about washing in terms of
clinical anatomical terms, cleanliness and percentages.
When Heero had showered, he pulled a towel from the rack and
teaseled his hair dry. He wrapped the towel about his waist and then
called to Duo. "I am leaving now. The toys are in the sink here. If
you do not want to deal with them, just leave them and I will come
back later to clean them."
"Thanks, I'll take care of it."
"OK."
"Heero!"
"Aa."
The door slid open a little more and Heero saw a sliver of Duo's
face. "I'll still rub your feet later."
"You do not really have to. You did so much today. You need your
rest."
"I don't want to talk now. I will rub your feet though, later."
Heero went into the hall and then back into the office. His clothes
were on the floor. Heero picked them up and then left again for the
hall and the closet there. He opened the accordion door and pulled
the laundry basket from atop the washer-dryer and dropped the
clothes in. He should change the sheets on the bed, he thought.
Heero felt confused. Running on auto-pilot as far as the cleaning
went, definite on the matter of being confused and confused about
all the rest. He had been so happy, and then Duo had needed him to
leave. He had been planning to shower with Duo and bathe him and go
to bed with him, had wanted to do those things, and Duo had stopped
him.
Duo said it was not bad and he should not worry, but Heero thought
this felt like rejection all the same. What had he not done
perfectly?
Heero was naked, in the hall, wondering what to do with the
slipcover he'd pulled from the couch, because it had no laundry
instruction tag. Duo came from the bathroom, towel about his waist,
towel on his hair. He was carrying a small plastic basket containing
some toiletries. Time enough had passed for him to shower or bath,
more than enough, actually, and Heero had gathered every bit of
laundry there was, including the towel he had been wearing.
"Laundry's my job, Baby, why don't you go and let me take care of
this?" Heero expressed something. He was not conscious of it, but
when he saw Duo's expression shift, he was certain it was a reaction
to something he saw in Heero. "Baby." He sighed. "Heero. You did not
do anything wrong. You did not even omit to do something that was
good. There's no failure and rejection to speak of. OK?"
"I just felt like cleaning."
"Yeah."
"It is not mental."
Duo laughed. He walked past Heero into the kitchen, set the basket
on the counter and began opening all the doors and drawers to see
what was there. Heero disliked that he did that. "It's mental when
you do my chores in the middle of the night and struggle to find
enough laundry to fill the machine once, and naked. We were happy.
I'm still feeling pretty good. Something's clearly going on with
you, though. I'm not…"
"Stupid. I know." Heero shrugged and went to the bedroom to find
some clothes. The dogs were in there, on the bed. Even Duo let them
stay on the bed now, most of the time. Heero pulled on leggings and
a tee, both black, and then sat petting Koi.
He did not want to feel upset, but he knew he did. He just did.
"So what was it?" Duo asked. He was leaning against the doorframe
and twirling some of Heero's pocky in his fingers. "Do you know?"
"I do not even know if I know."
"Well, do you care if we talk about it? Or should we just pretend
you're still happy and get to the foot rub? Ah, I know, you would
like to get to the foot rub, but if you and I don't talk about some
things, then we end up having a big fight, and you don't want to
fight."
"I am not mad at you", Heero said. This was true. He felt upset, but
he did not believe it was negative emotion directed at Duo
personally. "Upset, but not at you."
Duo stepped down into their present bedroom and squeezed himself
between Heero and Nu. He offered the pocky, which he had only been
performing tricks with, to Heero. It was strawberry. It was tart and
sweet and crunchy and Heero felt better when he ate it.
Nu got up from the edge of the bed and climbed onto Duo's legs. He
was still small enough to fit in Duo's lap. "I suppose you want a
treat now, too?" Duo asked the dog. "OK, OK, but you better at least
sit or speak or something. You can't expect me to carry your dead
weight forever. Got it?" Duo spoke to his dog like that often, but
it was always affectionate in tone. He always purchased Nu's food
and treats and toys for him and was vigilant in brushing his thick
fur and washing dirt from his paws when he had been digging so that
Heero would not have to get upset about dirt being tracked into the
house.
Heero wondered why Duo had ever disliked Koi, but maybe it had
simply been that the hound was perfect, dark-haired and named Koi.
Nu was an entirely different kind of dog.
"I gotta take care of Nu and comb my hair. The bath's free. Take a
bath if you like, or brush your teeth. I didn't leave a mess,
really. After that, I'll rub your feet, give you a pedicure and
everything. It's OK if you don't tell me what's wrong. It's OK if
you tell me to shut up sometimes. I don't always know how to talk to
you Heero, like I don't know if I should treat you like this guy
who's my buddy… or… it's not like I really had a boyfriend before.
Just guys I messed around with and Hilde." Duo's face quizzed
comically as if asking Nu, in his hands, if the Dog understood that
it was difficult enough knowing the right things to say to those men
and to Hilde to keep them pleased. "But if you did need to tell me
something, you could, anytime."
Heero nodded. He decided he did want to brush his teeth. He saw Duo
had left the clean dildos perched on one of the towel racks. After
he had brushed his teeth, Heero collected them and went to the
office. Duo was there, hair loose and damp, with a comb sticking in
it at his crown, packing cats and crops and such into the plastic
box they used for storage.
"You should pack these after they have been cleaned so they do not
pick up germs."
"Yeah, I was going to come get them." Duo took the toys and packed
them with the others.
Nu was sniffing the baseboards along the perimeter of the room.
Duo noticed Heero's gaze and shooed the puppy into the hall.
"I do not know if I want wood in this room", Heero said.
"Just tell Ken what you want, then."
A lot of the security devices led back to monitors currently in the
office and Heero was not entirely pleased with the arrangement. He
needed to build out some false wall somewhere to hide away the
larger hardware and house the monitors.
"I'm going to stay here tomorrow."
"You do not have to."
"No, but I will. It's true I'd like to get accustomed to the area
where I'll be working and going to school, but I do not actually
have to be in class until Monday. I can leave some time on Sunday. I
should take advantage of the time I have to be here. Things will get
really busy the week after next."
"Yes."
"You ready for bed?"
"We should take the dogs out."
"I'll do it. I mean, there's no work ongoing, we can just let them
into the yard. I'll keep an eye on Nu from the windows, see he
doesn't get out."
Heero shrugged. He had said he was ready for bed, but he went to the
living room and powered on the monitor. An episode of feudal prompt
had recorded in the two days he had spent so intensely focused on
Duo.
Heero started to watch, but a few minutes in, he knew he did not
have the focus to understand what he was watching.
He shut down the devices and went to bed.
Duo came into the room shortly afterward. Heero could hear the dogs
lapping at their water dishes in the next room; Duo had let them in
the front door. "You want me to do the foot rub?"
"No. Thanks. Tomorrow maybe. I am going to sleep."
"That's OK. You can change your mind. I'll go to bed too." Duo sat
down on the bed. His hair was combed, but he had never dressed and
still wore one towel. He pulled it out from under the sheet as he
slipped beneath and winced slightly. "Heero?"
"Aa."
"Would you mind rubbing this lotion on me? I can do some, if you
don't want to."
Heero had been vigilant in not drawing blood, but Duo had still
suffered a harsh beating and only hours before. It seemed right that
Heero help him apply the lotion. He did not really expect Duo to
continue to suffer. The punishment was done with. Duo had been
fucked. If it hurt him to sit or walk in certain ways for a little
while, he could take that pain, but did not want Duo to loose sleep
because the sheets rubbed his skin. "I should have used the silk
ones."
Duo understood Heero meant the sheets. "It's Ok. Just help me with
this. Heero. OK?"
Heero sat up and took the bottle. "Turn over."
Duo shifted position and lay on his stomach so that Heero could
apply the lotion to his punished skin. It was a gel actually, blue
and made mainly of aloe. Heero had seen it before, in the apartment
they Duo had shared with Hilde. He pulled the sheet away from Duo
and began at his calves.
Duo moved little and said nothing, not even when Heero's hands
touched his buttocks. When he came to Duo's back, he rubbed the
lotion in everywhere, not only on the injured upper portion, because
he wanted to touch Duo more. When Heero had finished, even putting
lotion of Duo's arms, he closed the bottle, tossed it gently to the
floor beside the bed and dropped. He latched onto Duo, wrapped his
legs around him and worked an arm beneath his chest.
Heero felt horrible, still upset and confused, but he knew holding
Duo would make him happier. No tears, but there was a terrible lump
in his throat and his body felt shaky, maybe it was shaking. "I am
sorry", Heero rasped, "I just wanted to."
"I'm yours, Baby, you don't ever have to say you are sorry for
wanting to hold me."
"I do not want…" To be needy, he thought. To be a person with
emotional problems. To have distant acquaintances patronize him
because they knew he 'was not OK since the war'. To not be able to
give Duo time to himself. To feel so dependant on another person for
his own happiness. All those things.
"I am right here. I would skip school Monday if you needed me…"
"That is not what I want!"
"Heero. It's OK, say what you want, or just lie here and hold me,
just don't yell in my ear, please."
"I do not like when you leave. Since you came home this time, we
were together, even showering together and having meals together and
all the sex and everything got so intense and I was so happy,
deliriously happy, and I really was delirious."
"Are you just mad that I need to be alone?"
"No. I mean… I wanted to shower with you and give you a bath and comb
your hair for you and I wanted to be the one to get you off, but… I
can see now that I was wrong. There was something wrong with me, to
be jealous, and have fears about you meeting someone better at
school and to not even let you wash yourself and wanting to be the
one to get you off every time you are hard, even though I am
intellectually aware that guys our age still get erections so many
times a day and it might not actually be feasible to build a sexual
encounter around each one, it might become more painful than
pleasurable. I am sorry. I know this must be some kind of emotional
instability and that I should not be so dependant, even though it is
OK to rely on others for some things, there should be balance, and I
cannot be so controlling and demanding. Duo, I am sorry. I cannot
help having these feelings. I do not know how to make it go away."
Duo put his hand over Heero's, as if in encouragement for holding
him. "I love you."
"Do not say that, as if you love me even though I am crazy!"
"Heero, let me look at you." Heero loosened his hold somewhat and
Duo was able to sit up. "Heero, I love you, so we are going to sit
here, not touching and talk, because that is probably the best thing
to do."
"I want to touch you."
"I know. I am here. I am not leaving, but this will be better. Just
let me get dressed, and then you can hold my hands if you want, and
we'll talk."
"I do not really want to talk."
"Yeah, I don't especially either," Duo crawled across the bed and
got some clothes, some underwear and a sleeveless undershirt. Duo
would have said 'wifebeater', but Heero did not think that a funny
name for a garment.
Duo pulled on the clothing, skimpy as it was, and then sat again on
his side of the bed. He offered Heero his hands and Heero took them,
nervously curling his fingers into Duo's.
"Heero, Baby, I really think if you could just get some rest you
would feel a lot better, but I understand that telling you to sleep
now… you'll just have nightmares. I know how that is, so, we'll have
to talk this out now. You would do it for me."
Heero agreed with a nod. If he knew that Duo was upset about
something and it was a time when he needed to talk, Heero would make
time to do it.
"You are a little crazy, but you are not screwed up like the way you
were just saying. You are not. It's not bad to want to be with me,
with a person."
"It is bad to lose balance, right?"
"Yeah. Heero, you're just having a bad day. You are not insane,
just, a little off balance. You'll get better. I know. I'm here with
you, and I'll help you if I can, if you need it, and if it comes to
Monday and I believe staying here will help you, I'll do it, but it
won't be because you did something wrong, it will still be my
choice. My choice, Heero!"
"I really do not want you to miss classes because of me."
"Yeah, then get better before then, but understand, I'm not making
an ultimatum. I know a person can only get better in the time it
takes. If I miss class, then I miss class. That's my decision to
make. I'm sure you'll be feeling better by then anyway, but maybe
you need to hear right now that I'm not leaving, and you'll be
strong enough to pull yourself together. You know, it hasn't even
been two years since the fighting stopped, and we've had attacks
since then that opened all the old wounds, not just for you and me,
for a lot of people. Two years to get over a war? Do you really
expect to be stable and happy every day?"
"I want to be."
"I do too, but it's probably not going to happen. You know that."
"I still want it. I do not like when strangers start walking on
eggshells because they can see I'm 'not all right since the war'."
"Who did that?"
"Well, the foreman."
"Yeah?"
"And if you miss school, I will feel bad, like I am some crazy
person on suicide watch."
"Fine, I'll go to school then, if you promise not to off yourself."
Duo shrugged.
"I do not know what I am supposed to say."
"Do you know why you feel this way?"
Heero nodded. "These two days… we… people use role play and bondage
and sadomasochism because… well, there might be other factors… it
heightens their experience. The whole two days were intense; I even
enjoyed the training."
Duo's smile was knowing.
"You reached a point at which you needed to withdraw from that
intensity in order to be OK, I think, and I did not react well to
that. I suppose it was like I crashed."
"Yeah."
"And I am not certain how to recover from that. I wanted to tell you
no, Duo."
"You could have."
"No! Duo, I felt like… I just… it is Ok for you to be my Duo-chan. I
can take care of you. I can be a good boyfriend, I know I can. But,
it is not right for me to deny you certain freedoms, to be entirely
controlling. I…"
"It's OK. Tell me."
"I am very strong, physically. Even before I understood I had other
special abilities, I was very much aware they I had been trained
body and mind to be a weapon, to have dangerous ability and
dangerous knowledge. I thought I was controlled, a good soldier,
following missions, taking orders, regimented training, even a diet,
but what I had to learn, after the fighting was over, and J was
dead, one of the things I had to learn was: No one had ever
controlled me. I had always had options, to follow orders, to
disregard orders. I do not know why I believed I was controlled,
maybe it was a defense mechanism, but the truth is, I chose it all.
Even…when Lowe died, he wanted me to have a 'normal life', he did
not choose for me to be with J. I chose it. And the Doctor, he
sometimes reminded me that I could choose to follow orders or to
disregard them. And, I chose to follow until… I learned to hate what
I had made myself. I chose, and I hated that life. And so my options
were self destruction, or life, and I really did not know what to
choose for a while, but I chose life, and with that, came so many
choices, even little things, like choosing toothpaste. Only I chose
and only I controlled myself. I do not think, after everything I
learned from Lowe and J that anyone could truly control me, but me,
and so I have to always retain that control. I have to make sure
that my choice to live does not result in harming others, because
that would be like, going back to that mistake, that life of being a
soldier. I should have understood Lowe when I was young, and wanted
peace. But I could not learn from his lessons. I had to learn for
myself that I did not want to be like my father. I had to see what
war and death were really like before I could choose life and peace…
but it means I have to be so careful, so controlled."
"Heero, I really understand what you are saying, I really do, but
even though you are strong, it's true that those types of choices,
and that feeling of needing to be responsible and in control…they
are something every man feels, maybe every person, but definitely
every man. We have to be careful not to use our strength to harm.
Sometimes, the self restraint you show every day, day after day, it
wears on your mind, and you just need to do something to release
pressure."
"Yes."
"Then why do you do what you do? Why do you let me rely on you? Why
do you agree to punish me, when you know that I know from experience
that it demands concentration and restraint and control?"
"Because I chose it. I chose it for you, and for me, because I love
you. You have feelings, some similar to mine, some different. You
need to feel safe, that you have a safe place, that there will be
food tomorrow, that you will never be captive or beaten against your
will, that you will be free. Duo, you fought so the Colonies could
be free, so I cannot deny your freedom, whether that means helping
you be free by putting you in restraints, or by allowing you to say
no to me. There are times when each of those seems the correct
choice."
"Yes. I see. I think. But, what about you? Is it enough? Are you
breaking under pressure because of me?"
"I do not know."
"But I think, yesterday, that was good for you, your release. It is
not what you want or need all the time, but it is your release, and
you chose to allow it and trust me to be there, to be with you
during that time you let go, you trust me not to let us hurt each
other as much as I trust you not to let us hurt each other. And…you
talk about making choices as a child, but really…"
"I know. There are pressures that should not be put on children.
They should not have to wonder how they will find food the next day,
or if they will have a safe place to sleep and they should not have
to choose if someone's father lives or dies… and being a child who
had to make those choices, it does something to you."
"Yes. I know."
"Sometimes I just do not feel well. Sometimes I do not understand
what the cause is. I have only cataloged so many issues, Duo. But, I
am, I was sorry because, it is important to me that my needs do not
interfere with your own freedom and needs."
"Heero, I do not want you to break down because of me. If you need
something more, then just… just do it, take it, whatever you want…"
"Duo! Do not say it like that! I am not a bad man!"
"What?"
"I am not bad!"
"Yeah… what do you mean 'not a bad man'? What did you think I was
suggesting that would make you a bad man, Heero?"
"I cannot just own you, always make you do what I want, always
control you."
"Yeah, you could."
"It's wrong, to make someone a slave."
"I wouldn't mind being yours."
"It's not healthy!"
"Fuck you, 'it's not healthy', I can be your slave if I want!"
"You are never really a slave if you agree to it! It's only acting
the role of a slave. You are so strong, Duo! You are! You know I am
only serving you in playing out being in control. You know! You are
keeping us both safe!"
"I see… so, we found out already that you do not actually want to be
submissive, and you do not really want to be femmy and penetrated
often either, but maybe you do not want to be 'acting out' control
so often either. Maybe I need to be even more creative to please
you, Heero Yuy. I knew you were complex, but…"
"I don't understand. I really do not understand."
"If someone gives you a multiple choice answer question, it is not
the same as telling you what to do, but it is a system of control,
and they are encouraging you to believe that one of the answers they
provide is correct. You were young, so maybe you really were
controlled, while acting out being in control, though you think you
must have been in control while acting out being controlled. It is
no wonder you feel confused. Well, maybe you suffer under what you
perceive to be my expectation. Maybe, somehow, without meaning to
burden you, I encouraged you to believe things had to be one way or
another"
"I have no idea what you are saying."
"Good. I have clearly not been challenging you enough. You cling to
order sometimes, but has it often been my way to subscribe to Order?"
"Chaos."
Duo cackled and squeezed Heero's hands. "You don't even know if you
were controlled or in control when you were young, and ZERO didn't
make that issue much clearer, but we do know that for the last. How
long has it been?"
"Five months, seven days, roughly."
Duo laughed. "Five months seven day, except for a few hours in Paris
and the time I was put in command of that mission, Monsieur
Carpenter, you have been acting out being in control, but you feel
like all that time, I was the one who really kept us safe. That my
wishes really controlled you."
"Maybe, I…"
"Are still confused. But we know that the times you really let go
you are happy. And we know the times you exert some tangible,
tactile control, like playing with toys and punishing me, you end up
enjoying it, even though you usually are hesitant to begin."
"That might be true."
"I have encouraged you to play the same game too long. So, no more
of this Duo-chan all the time. You'll have to convince me. And I
will not always make it easy. You can not go through life expecting
that I'll automatically expect you to tend to my every need or that
I'll let you give me orders. Maybe I'll be really submissive some
days, but not every day! Not anymore! That's not to say I'm going to
completely freak you out and go dom all the time, but hey, maybe
I'll even try that some days, see if I can convince you to do what I
want. Worth the try, eh? And the rest of the days? Well, you'll just
have to figure it out. Screw days, I'll make it harder for you. I'll
likely change my preferences hourly and completely at random! Think
you can hack being perfect boyfriend for me now, Heero?"
He was happy. Heero did not really understand everything that had
happened, but he was happy, really happy. He tried to kiss Duo, but
Duo moved his face, so Heero only got hair in his mouth.
Duo laughed. "Who says I want to kiss you?"
"Do I have to ask permission for everything?"
"No, no permission, you just trust me to stop you if I don't like
where things are going. Try away!"
"You do not want to kiss me?"
"OK, can't really hide that. I love kissing you!"
Heero smiled and kissed Duo, and was pleased to be allowed. It was
perfect as usual. Heero put slight space between them, with effort,
because Duo followed his movements a while at first and would not
allow the space, until Heero put hands to his chest to hold him
back. It was only so much space to allow that tongues and breath
could mingle while lips remained apart. "I never have grasped the
geometry of how kissing you works", Heero confessed.
"I like it because you eat healthy and don't smoke, so you taste
good, and you have strong lips, and I can always feel that you are
into me… and I think it's good because we kissed before you started
doing research on how to please me." It was good for Duo, because he
had just done it without a plan.
"I wasted five months?"
Duo flicked his tongue against Heero's. "Wasn't wasted. It was five
months of 'safe' sex. And hot! Now here's the real test, we'll see
if we can stand being in a relationship with each other, for real,
without rules and plans and roles."
"Without consistent roles", Heero said as he rubbed Duo's nipples
through his shirt.
"Oh yes! All Kink all the time!" a beat. "Oh, wait! That's not
right. All kink and vanilla all the time, completely at random!"
"I am not tired, and in the mood for kink."
"You always want kink!"
Heero smirked. "Lucky you." He pulled at the hem of Duo's shirt to
lift it. "You can be my Padawan."
"Sha right! You can be my Padawan." He waved a hand in front of
Heero's face. "You want my dick in your ass, Young Jedi."
"The force is strong with this one. You can be Annie, but I will be
Padme."
"A girl?"
"There is no costume. And Padme is a dom." He lifted Duo's shirt
over his head, it seemed to be allowed. "And she is only using
Anakin for sex, and really loves Obi Won."
"Screw that! I'll be Obi Won and we're having a secret affair."
Heero laughed. "Padme is still a dom."
"Yeah, but I'm a force user!"
Something pinched Heero's left nipple, but Duo's hands had not moved
from his thighs. "Since when have you had the ability to do that?"
"It worked? Kewl!"
"Naughty Obi, I'll punish you for that!"
"Yes Mistress!" Not 'Master', but the accent was perfect! Heero was
so happy.
|