Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is the property of Sotsu Agency/Sunrise. No profits were made in writing this.

Pairing: 3+4+3
Rating: R
Warnings: Shounen Ai/genfic.

Part 16
by kebzero


Heero Yuy's Personal Log

After some deliberation, I've come to the conclusion that professor Malackey's idea of 'enjoyment' must be related to the dating game, or by extension, the keg parties. Neither holds much appeal to me, and I can't quite figure out how either is supposed to bring any sort of pleasure. Alcohol in large quantities numbs the senses and more often than not leads to some awfully poor decision-making and slurred, incomprehensible speech, riddled with words best left unspoken. I can see the refreshment value of one beer, but moderation is key.

As for dates - my direct experience is limited, and I've not found the time to research the matter directly - observation leads me to believe it would take more time than I can justify spending at present. If I had thought it important at the time, I could perhaps have taken advantage of Relena's early obsessions - apparently, such a level of 'need' is a good thing in a relationship, but judging from all mass media sources I've skimmed, it only brings ruin if it is one-sided, and if it goes both ways, nearly all the TV shows suggest it will end badly in the long run.

An analogy of fire is perhaps useful here. In the one-sided case, it's a blaze versus paper. Paper dies, then the fire dies also. In the both ways scenario, it's a magnesium candle burning from both ends; ridiculously bright while some material remains, then cold darkness. A perpetual, warm flame requires a constant flow of a burnable substance - ergo, this thing called 'love' needs a slow infusion of a power source to keep a tender, soft glow. Flash heat is only temporary.

What I can't quite figure out is that this flash heat is precisely what is depicted as ideal in nearly every show I can find. Sustainability takes a very secondary role in the TV dramas.

I do realize there is a difference between fiction and reality - that is easy enough to grasp when we see anything related to the wars, or the gundams, or anything remotely technical. The amount of factual flaws are staggering. Good TV has nothing to do with reality, but they do say something about what the public at large accepts as 'truths'. I cannot believe that it is essential to be in a relationship to experience any sense of accomplishment or happiness. Am I to deny J's brilliance with building Wing, just because I never saw him at a bar with some tipsy woman? Conversely, can I say the reverse of Howard, because I have?

Perhaps. At least I've confirmation the latter is still alive.

Another thing that annoys me about the media portrayals is the apparent importance of your 'first kiss', and how it almost seems to include some automatic affection on a profound level. This is at least one facet of romantic myths I have had the chance to experience first-hand - and I did not find that to be the case.

It was during my first semester. Some girl came up to me, and rather out of the blue asked if she could kiss me. I could detect no ulterior motives at the time, and looking back on it I do not think her goals similar to miss Jenkins. She merely had an itch, and asked for a scratch - or it was part of a dare, or something. I shrugged and said okay, and she kissed me.

I didn't feel a thing from that, and certainly nothing like the 'mystery' as is described in books or films. I had no sudden urge to wrap my arms around her in an embrace, or to kiss her back, or otherwise molest her. I simply felt nothing, no more than I would consider it if someone bumped into my shoulder in a crowded hallway - slightly annoyed, if anything.

She - I never learned her name - was apparently content with my non-expression, because she tapped my nose once and wandered off, chuckling to herself.

At this point, I wonder if she thought she had put me 'in a daze', one of the other possible end-states of a so-called good kiss. I wonder if I should have informed her that the truth was I was merely lost in thought about the situation.

Then again, I've learned the danger a little truth can have.

Perhaps it is a good thing the whole issue with Melanie seems to have alienated me from the entire female population at campus. It is better to focus on my studies of more substantial matters than something as elusive as love. To seek reason in emotion is a lost cause, though to follow your emotions is worthwhile for a gut-reaction. Instinct can be a powerful - and useful - thing.

But to use it within reason? That is the hard part.

-end file- Yuy, Heero

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