July 17th, 207
Jolly Roger's Journal
Talking to Hilde on the vidphone is nowhere as good as being there in person. I can't walk away as easily or pretend distraction over the phone. The time-lag is the worst part - whenever I say something, it'll take a good few seconds before the judgment comes back.
Okay, so maybe I'm painting the devil's horns on her way too often. We might bitch and argue a lot, but when it all comes down to it, we're both only trying to do what we think is best, for the both of us. Plus, it's my own fault she's become so skilled at manipulation. I taught her everything she knows, and then she went ahead and improved on all of it. At least that's what it feels like.
She wasn't pissed when I told her I hadn't talked to Quatre yet, and that I wasn't sure I would. She was okay with that - she'd smoothed things over back home, so my little 'falling out' with Biggs is almost forgotten, except by Biggs and his dentist. Hilde says he's threatening with lawsuits, but we both know Biggs won't do that. We could always bring in some character witnesses and proof regarding the scams he's running under his boss' nose.
Before she could ask me, I asked her how she was doing. Said she was doing okay, but was feeling lonely. Knew I'd be back in two weeks, and she said she was planning to fix some of the things I'd broken around the house in that time. Said as a joke, meant in all seriousness. What can I say? I'm not clumsy, but when something breaks down, my first 'fix-it' method includes a good kick. If it's broken, it couldn't hurt.
Of course, I knew the 'lonely' line... it was just another way of saying she wants kids. Heck, I know she does, and I know she'd make a great mom - not so certain about wife, if you plan to stay home a lot. I wonder who'd be the best at poker, Hilde or Heero. Both of them can put up a face like a wall, hiding what's really going on.
Nah, it'd probably be Heero, he would count the cards to boot.
About kids... whenever we do talk about it, she never brings me up specifically. She knows we don't have that sort of relationship. And it's not like I don't want kids, ever - just not now... but I know it's not going to happen anyway.
We've had sex. Usually after a serious bender, or other freak incident. When she or I needed comfort beyond a hug, usually. A fuckbuddies sort of thing. She knows what it was, and she's never come out and said she wanted anything more out of me, probably because she knows I wouldn't be able to give her all she wants.
I love the girl, but not like that. She's family, kinda. Okay, so it's not like I'd fuck my sister when I'm feeling blue, or anything, but I can't seem to tell her that she should give up on me and find someone else - I'd love to walk her down the aisle, but I can't be the one waiting by the altar. That would be cruel, since I know how badly she wants kids.
See, there are side-effects to sitting around in a poorly shielded machine with a fusion reactor and then some inside. Some of Deathscythe's systems weren't designed for pilot comfort, much less for his prolonged life. Okay, so it's not like old Mushroom-head built me a death-trap, but sometimes, things break down, and you do field repair and hope you did a good enough job. Point is, some of the radiation shielding wasn't as good as it should have been - at least that's what the doctor said four months ago.
I'm clean for cancer, and he said I'd probably live to a hundred...
...but I'm shooting almost all blanks.
That won't change, even in a hundred years.
I don't think I'll ever have the guts to tell Hilde that, unless she finds someone else to build a dream with. I'll be her best friend, brother or even father any day - but I can never be the father of her children.
Truth is, no matter what, I don't want to lose her as my friend. I know she'd probably take it all in stride, but it would change the stand-off situation we've had on the subject for two years now. Heck, if I could knock her up, I might just have done it, because I know she wouldn't have put any obligations of it on me, but... I can't.
I still hate that day when the results came back... I got my life back, but like half a man, sorta. Know it's not like that, but I can't get myself to talk to anyone about it, not even the doctor. If I wasn't so afraid of admitting the fact, I'd ask the guys if any of them had the same problem - but if they don't, where does that leave me?
So, I do what I do best. Put on a grin, and try to forget. Usually, it works.
It sucks when it doesn't.
'quiet as death is murder' - Little D.