Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is the property of Sotsu Agency/Sunrise. No profits were made in writing this.

Pairing: 3+4+3
Rating: R
Warnings: Shounen Ai/genfic.

Part 21
by kebzero


Heero Yuy's Personal Log

Yesterday's chess match revealed more than Trowa's habit of defending his queen. I can understand the desire to keep it alive, but in chess that piece is just about your best all-round weapon. What good is a weapon unless you use it at some point? In chess, deterrent does not apply.

Basically, I wanted to know what causes attraction. I realize this is highly subjective, but since Trowa and I have similar pasts - not just the war, but before that - I would like to hear his thoughts on the matter. So, I asked him. His offensive play was greatly unsettled after that, but we kept the game going for far longer than it should have.

He was hesitant to answer, but I can understand that. Most people seem reluctant to share deep emotions. Random blurbs like 'I love you' are far easier to distribute than other words conveying the same meaning, but on a far more sincere level.

Trowa is apparently not a believer of 'love at first sight'; love is something that grows out of a mutual respect, bonds that slowly deepen, experiences that are shared - especially difficult ones. This is rather contrary to what I've observed at college. There, romance starts with a random date, or some trifle at a keg party, or a run-in at a mixer, such things. Little enough of that has time to mature, and short of exams, there doesn't appear to be many hardships for the relationship to be tested against.

When I told Trowa about this, he started laughing. Is my theory so laughable?

"Love only appears to come suddenly because it's that moment you realize," Trowa said. "You can be with someone for years, and not see what's written all across your face, because nobody ever hands you a mirror." I found this rather perplexing - if you showed clear signs of being in love with someone, wouldn't that someone be able to see it? I realized it was only a metaphor, but the question deserved an answer. Trowa mulled on that, just as he contemplated whether or not to sacrifice a knight for two of my pawns and the defense of his castle. He opted to strike. He told me the signs might be there, but those that aren't looking for them, won't see them at all - and those that do look, will see signs anywhere.

To be honest this left me just more confused, just as the move of his rook to my pawn-defended castle did. We talked on the subject for quite a bit more, but there was little new to add to my observations from the past. Attraction is more subjective than I'd first thought. Since I needed to know the validity of the source, I did ask if he'd ever been in the state called 'love'. Trowa answered an affirmative, but the curt reply told me that was all he'd tell me.

I keep thinking of the two situations I've mentioned recently - that old kiss, and the fall-out with Melanie Jenkins. It all started yesterday afternoon, after Trowa and I joined the others down at the gym. We arrived at the end of their session, and didn't get much of a chance to spar, but something dawned on me. Why did I react so sharply when Melanie attempted to touch me? I let myself be kissed by the unknown girl, since she told me her intentions first. Melanie just acted - and I reacted. Yet, I don't find myself doing that with any of the guys, even when Duo snuck up on me and tried giving me a noogie. He ended up on the wrestling mat, for his efforts, after getting about two rubs worth against my hair. That's at least one and a half noogie later than my usual reaction level.

Maybe it's different with friends. Or guys. Maybe I'll have to ask Relena to give me a noogie to determine any difference.

-end file- Yuy, Heero

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