...I still can't believe it.
I really can't.
It was unreal, but it happened. I didn't expect it. I certainly didn't expect it would be like that. Be that good. I just...
We did it. Trowa and I, I mean. We did it.
I don't think he planned for it to go that far, this fast. It just sort of... happened. I don't know why I didn't get this sooner, can't believe I didn't notice... Last night, he caught me as I was heading for bed, said he had something to tell me. He must have wanted this for a long time, given all the intensity he showed throughout last night. Three little words, and then an avalanche of them; explanations, desires, aborted touches.
I did the only thing that came to mind.
I hugged him. He hugged me back, hard enough to give me trouble breathing. I clawed at his T-shirt, he must have misinterpreted that a little, since he started tugging at my shirt, gave me a clumsy kiss, then a better one, and it sort of snowballed out of control after that. Stopping only occasionally passed my awareness, but got lost in the haze as we orbited each other into my bedroom, towards the bed, towards skin. I think I knew he'd call the shots, that he'd fuck me, not the other way around - but I let him, helped him along.
And it was good.
I know this is going to sound stupid, or gross, or both, especially when I look back on this entry in a couple of years - but I'm glad I'd just been to the bathroom to 'clear out'. I think that made it easier. Doesn't stop me from having trouble sitting up straight this evening, though.
I want to describe last night so I'll remember, but I just can't find the right words for it. I've never seen - felt Trowa so passionate, so tender. At first, it was like being made love to as if I'd been made of glass, so careful you wouldn't believe it. I could see it on his face, how he desperately wanted me, how he was terrified he might hurt me - when he finally managed to say what I read off of his every move, I told him to just shove it, and shove it in. A few seconds later, I regretted saying that, but it passed.
And it was good.
I've never thought of myself as gay. I know others have. The pink shirts are something my father told me to exploit. Impression is everything. Until they learn differently the hard way, most people are going to behave towards you based on what they think they see. The few that don't do this, are the ones that succeed in life.
Trowa... isn't like that. If he had been, he'd have killed me the first time we met, despite the odds. That way, at least his suit wouldn't have gotten into enemy hands, had I set up a trap for him to come out in the open.
Am I gay? I don't know. If having sex with another man forever labels you gay, then I guess I am. I still don't feel gay. Or straight. I just feel like.... Quatre. Like me. Like who I was before one of my best friends told me he's had a crush on me for years, and went on to hump me.
Waking up next to him, all sweaty and sticky, was another thing altogether. Disbelief at what we'd done. Discomfort with how bits of my body ached. Uncomfortable with how his knee jabbed at my thigh, or his hand plastered against my stomach with - well, you get the idea.
But when I slipped free, and rolled over, I couldn't help but laugh. I don't think anyone but Duo can match Trowa for outrageous morning hair. The amount of combing, gel and wax needed is beyond me.
I kissed him awake, and got a whole new show. How he slowly came to, realized where he was, who he was with - what state he was in... Took me a couple of minutes to make him realize he wasn't dreaming, and that he shouldn't panic. The relief in those green eyes of his...
Heaven be praised...
I think I'm in love, too.
I'm so glad we didn't have plans for today. That made it easier to avoid the others, just stay here in bed, or in the shower, or here again, or - yeah.
Rashid came by for me, though - worrywart, didn't see me at breakfast. I don't have a habit of locking my bedroom door, and him coming in has never been a problem before - but after today, I think that will change. He came in, about to speak up, but stopped short. he looked at me sitting in bed barely under the covers, at the clothes scattered at the floor, towards the bathroom... and it wasn't too hard to see he knew exactly who was in there, taking a leak. I held a finger across my lips, gave Rashid a wan smile, glad that made him drop the stern face. He shook his head, mouthed 'we'll talk later', and slipped back out before Trowa returned.
I called the kitchen, and got some food delivered to outside the door, enough for two. It was only an hour ago that we finally left the bedroom, he first, I'll go once I finish this entry.
Yet, despite all the time we spent together today, we haven't really talked about this... What it all means, where we go from here - how we tell our friends. If we tell our friends. What if Trowa wants us to keep this a secret? I'd respect that wish, but it'd be tough if this is a start, and not a one-time thing. I can't believe that - won't believe that.
And if this is a beginning of something greater, what follows tomorrow, or next week? He's due back at the circus, me at the boardrooms... Long-distance relationships are difficult. Secret same-sex long-term long-distance relationships must be a horror all to itself - and there's a limit to how discrete we can be, or how well lawyers can defend us.
I think that's going to be the hard part for me - coming out, to the world in general, with all the side-effects that might have - though there would be benefits. I wouldn't have to make efforts to entertain the daughters of businessmen or politicians at high society parties, for one thing.
Compared to what Trowa went through last night, I'd say my task is easy.
And I'm certain I'll have him by my side - somehow.
But for tonight... there are only the two of us in the world. At least if we can slip down to the kitchen for a late night snack undetected. I have this craving for a nibble.
Trowa's earlobes, maybe.