Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Gundam Wing, it's characters, settings, Gundams, etc, do not belong to me, we all know that. I also don't own the song 'Amazing Grace', and have no idea who does.
By Keelywolfe (keelywolfe@aol.com)
Author's webpage: http://www.ravenswing.com/~keelywolfe/
Feedback: Yes, please!
Rating: R (For language)
Series: Being Duo Maxwell
Pairing: 1+2
WARNINGS: For language, mostly. In my mind, Duo is a foul-mouthed little brat and I'm afraid it's reflected here.
Notes: This is number nine in a series.
Summary: Set in the middle of Episode 20, just after you-know-what happened to Deathscythe.
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Amazing Grace
by Keelywolfe
I'm so cold.
Sitting on concrete steps doesn't do much for your circulation but I don't really care. I'm not exactly sure how I even got here, and I know that I don't have a damn clue as to what I'm doing anymore.
After the whole spectacle last night, I think...I think I lost it. Hey, no matter what you think I've me, I'm not exactly used to having mental breakdowns, so you'll have to excuse me if I didn't memorize the details.
Anyway, after...after it happened, I just wandered around for hours, maybe, I'm not sure anymore, and ended up here, at a broken down old church, sitting outside the doors on the stairs. I tell you, this place is just like home. Everything is broken down, and the stuff that isn't only has some paint and gloss slapped over the dirt to make it look pretty for the tourists.
It's been hours now, and I can't get the picture out of my mind; another Gundam exploding, gone in an instant of shrieking metal and bright light. Except this time it was mine, my buddy.
How am I supposed to fight without Deathscythe? Not all of us are lucky enough to have an honorable arch-nemesis to rebuild our Gundam for us. I don't even have a dishonorable one.
How can I fight a war with only my bare hands? I'll tell you how.
I can't.
I'm not Heero Yuy; I'm not that strong. Deathscythe was my strength, it was everything to me, and now I am right back where I started, on the streets. Different streets that are still exactly the same as the ones I left back on L-2.
You know, even grungy, half-condemned churches seem to have followers. I can hear them inside now, singing. Yeah, I've seen this a few hundred times. When you're life takes a turn down to ye olde shitheap, church is usually the only place you have left to go.
"...how sweet the sound..."
Gave it a try myself, a long time ago. Hey, it was a long time to me, I'm not exactly up there with Methuselah, you know.
Didn't help. Not knocking church or anything, but for all the pretty songs and profound speeches, nothing changed, not for me, not for anyone I knew.
And why is that, you might wonder. Because people do not change. It's the same fucking game every time around. There are people who are strong, and ones who are weak and I've been on both sides of the fucking equation.
You have to fight your whole life to stay on the upside, even if you're rooting around in a fucking dumpster for food, because it can always be worse. That's one of the few promises I'll make to you, because I know it'll never make a liar out of me. Things can always get worse. You could always be dead, like a few hundred other people I know. God sure as hell didn't save them.
Church never changed anything for me, it never saved me or any other person I knew. Concrete steps may be cold but at least they never lie to you, and God may forgive all sinners, but until I forgive Him, I'll stay outside.
"...I once was lost but now, I'm found..."
I found myself wishing that Heero had taken me with him. Fuck, I'm pathetic. Is this what I've come down to? No, it is not. The only person who ever changed things for me was me, and I'm going to get off my ass and get back into this war, and fuck not having a Gundam! I did well enough in my life before I had Deathscythe, I can do well enough without him, whether I have to fight with my bare hands or a fucking plastic spoon, and screw not being Heero Yuy! I'm Duo Maxwell, and I am Death!
"...was blind, but now, I see..."
I'm getting back into it, right into the thick of things, so OZ beware!
Tomorrow.
Today, I'm going to sit on these steps, just a little bit longer. Just a bit.
I'm so cold.
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