The L2 Box
"Heero!" Trowa welcomed me as I slinked down into my usual stool at his bar. "I've been worried about you. You haven't been here in a week." I hated it when he acted like he cared so much about it. It made me feel like he was leading me on. But then again, maybe he's just always this considerate because I'm one of his best friends.
"I've been around." He handed me my usual drink and began talking about business and acquaintances. I wasn't really paying attention. All that was on my mind was that picture. I stared at him for a moment, not believing that he had been a prostitute. But the evidence was in my pocket. I had taken his picture off the wall in the last brothel Wufei and I had gone to.
"What is it?" He asked me after I had been staring at him for too long. I looked down from his challenging gaze.
"Nothing." I murmured, downing the drink in my hand quickly, feeling the tingling burn as is went down my throat. "Can I have another drink?"
"You're keeping something from me, Heero." I shrugged. He hid things from me to, I just found out. "You never hid things from me before."
My head was beginning to hurt again. Damn disease. I should just blow my brains out someday. This pain wasn't worth it. The dull throb grew slowly until it was a strong pounding. I was pleased to find out that the alcohol I drank gave me a temporary numbing sensation from the pain. I had left my pills at home because my headaches usually didn't come until I began typing on the computer at night. "Can I have another drink?" He nodded, and refilled my glass a third time, but resumed his questions.
"Is something wrong, Heero? You know you can talk to me, anytime, right?" He frowned after I tipped my empty glass to him for a fourth drink.
"Heero. You're going to get drunk. I think you should stop drinking."
"No, I need to drink." I needed the alcohol to anesthetize the pain in my head. A stupid idea I know.
"Heero, I there's something obviously wrong with you. Why won't you tell me? I'm your best friend. Please stop trying to shove me away. I want to help."
"Don't worry. We all have our own set of secrets. You keep things away from me as well." I implied mysteriously.
He raised a thin eyebrow at my indirect statement, not knowing he was setting himself up. "A secret? Heero, You're my best friend. We talk about everything." Well, obviously, not EVERYTHING. He was lying to me, making me feel very bitter all of a sudden.
I think this is where the alcohol started to affect me. My reasonable thinking went right out the door. Months of pent up anger and negativity finally reached their peak. I leaned over the counter to whisper to Trowa, "I know."
"Know? What do you know, Heero?" He asked, confusion shown clearly. I drew out the picture of him as a prostitute and showed him. His visible eye widened in horror.
"Where did you find that, Heero?"
"Some whorehouse." I let him stare at the picture a few more seconds, "And you say I'VE been hiding things. How long were you going to try and keep this from us? From me?" I asked. For some reason, I had become angry with him for trying to hide things away from me, especially this. It was unreasonable, since I'm not even his fiancÚ or anything, but for gods' sake, my head hurt too much to think correctly and I was drunk and practically having a nervous breakdown. It's a lousy excuse, but true.
He looked down, busying himself with the glasses and drinks. "What does it matter, Heero? I'm different now. You didn't have to know." He told me. There was ice in his voice. But who cares. I felt sick, boiling. It was so irritatingly hot inside of me, like steam was going to come out of my pores soon. I knew I should have stopped there, but I kept on coaxing him on.
"It matters a lot to me. I can't believe one of my friends was a prostitute! Trowa! Come on! You're above all that!"
"I was a prostitute. You don't have to make such a big deal out of it."
"If it wasn't a big deal, then why didn't you tell us, or tell ME at least! Didn't you trust me enough? You just said I was your best friend! Were you lying to me? Am I so insignificant to you?" I was angry with him for trying to trick me, even if it was unintentional. I know he gave up whoring himself and it was probably a part of his life that he would rather not talk about, but I couldn't help it. I could help feeling offended and betrayed.
"Heero, you ARE one of my best friends" Yes, that's all I was... "It wasn't important. Just a phase in my life."
"A phase... is that what they call it these days?"
"I needed money! Besides, what was I supposed to tell you? Would you, Quatre, and Wufei have still been my friend if you knew the truth? Knowing that I was some hooker on the street? Knowing that I could have slept with you guys if we hadn't met before?"
"How could you belittle our friendship to that?!" It hurt when I realized that Trowa hadn't even trusted me enough to tell me. If he had confessed before, I would have let it go and probably would have continued to love him. But he hadn't given us a single hint. I obviously didn't mean enough to him when I practically put my life in his hands and gave him my heart on a silver platter.
"Heero, will you lower your voice?" Trowa whispered harshly. "You're drunk. This subject isn't even worth arguing about. You're exaggerating it into something more shocking than it's supposed to be. So I slept with a couple men. I had to. It's a dog eat dog world here. We have to do things in order to survive."
My blood boiled and increased my headache by ten fold. He didn't even sound remorseful! Was he proud of being a whore?! Trowa had even given himself to other men. And I was denied this. While other men only had to open their wallets, I pined after him, gave him adoration, gave into his every whim, and I got NOTHING. And I was angry, with both him and myself. He hadn't hurt me directly. It's not like he went to sleep with other men just to piss me off. I'm not even his fiancÚ. I shouldn't be over reacting like this. Quatre should be the one dealing with this! .I was angry with that to! Why had he chosen Quatre instead of me? Yes, I'm still feeling the blues of rejection. I had to cradle my head in my hands. The pain was pounding against my skull in a constant rhythm as my blood rushed through the veins towards my brain.
Seeing me in obvious pain, he asked, "Heero, something's bothering you. What's wrong?" His voice was so steady and calm. It unnerved me that he could act like to cool and collected in this situation.
"You what to know what's wrong?" I whispered, suddenly very tired of everything. "I love you. That's what."
"What? I can't hear you over the other people. Speak up, Heero." He leaned in to hear me better because someone had decided to start singing karaoke at the same time I was confessing.. Was he trying to torture me on purpose?
"I said, 'I- Love- You'." I repeated, enunciating each word clear and loudly. He drew back, staring at me incredulously. I continued, "I know, you love Quatre. And even though it hurts, I'm happy for you. I just have to tell you. I've been keeping it inside for too long and it was killing me."
I kept talking, not giving Trowa any time to speak up. I had to let everything out now, or else I'd never have the chance again. "I'm gradually accepting that you don't love me, but at least I still get to be your friend, right? Well, Obviously NOT. You didn't even trust me enough as a friend. How many other things are you hiding from your friends? Am I absolutely NOTHING to you?!"
God, another pang of pain just flashed through my mind again. I think I shuddered as though lightning had
suddenly struck right into the core of me.
".Heero." Was that all he had to say after my confession?
"And you know what hurts more? The fact that you can accept your previous occupation so easily! Saying 'It's just a phase'. I LOVE you and I have barely done anything but embrace you, while other guys, you don't even know, were FUCKING you! It hurts!!" It really did, because, each time I shouted another sentence, my headache would increase another notch, only making me angrier. It was a vicious cycle.
"Just what the hell do you want from me, Trowa? I've done everything you've wanted and you still treat me like a stranger sometimes! You won't even accept me as a friend!" I wanted him to regret not trusting me as I had trusted him. I wanted him to regret rejecting me when I gave him all my love. It felt like he had just ripped my heart out from my chest and shredded it into pieces, right before my eyes.
I wanted him to feel at least some of the pain I was going through. I was so angry, betrayed, disgusted, frustrated, tired, and half delirious with all these evil emotions warring in myself. And stupid me, I blamed it all on Trowa. He hadn't done anything wrong, but I needed to vent myself of these emotions.
"I wonder how you treated your manager? Probably better than you treat me, right? You know, if you had needed help back then, I would have given a hand. I could have been a great manager!" I told him bitterly. A man passed by and, like I said, I was drunk and hurting crazy-mad, so I grabbed the man by the arm and shoved the picture into his face. "Hey! You see that person there? He's the best whore in town." I asked, pointing at the Trowa in the picture. "If you want to sleep with this man, give me a call. I'm his manager."
"Heero!" I could barely hear Trowa's dismayed voice as I stumbled across the bar to a table full of men.
"You see this guy? He's a male-prostitute. I've never slept with him, but I can assure you, he's a good lay 'cause he's really expensive." My head was pounding, I felt like Zeus, with Athena poking the inside of his skull with her spear. Maybe that's why I felt so delirious and out of it.
"Look, see him?" I said again, pointed at the picture. "I'm his manager. He's the most popular prostitute in this section of the colony. You want him?" Someone shoved me off himself and I swayed around, falling and leaning onto someone else. "If you're looking for a good lay, contact me. I have the best prostitute on L2!"
"Heero! Please! Stop!"
Someone was pulling on my sleeve, but I couldn't SEE! Everything was whirling around me. Just swirls of colors, so much that I couldn't even make figures of people anymore. There was the sensation of going down on a roller coaster. but I just kept going down, and down. I could feel hands on me, helping me up? When had I fallen down? Somewhere in the background, I could hear Trowa's devastated voice calling to me, but I was blacking out so fast that I couldn't comprehend.
I woke up in my own room. Staring at the blank, white ceiling. As soon as I had woken up, I remembered everything. EVERYTHING. All the things I had said and done to Trowa in the bar. I couldn't. no, I didn't WANT to believe it. I lay there hoping it was a nightmare, but I knew that it was all too real. Even though I was a man of little faith, I found myself praying. Praying for Trowa to find it in his heart to forgive me somehow and praying to let me die soon. I really didn't feel like getting out of bed. I felt more like sinking into the mattress and disappearing from existence all together. At least then I wouldn't have to feel the tears slide slowly off the side of my face onto the pillow. God, someone. Please help me.