Disclaimer: I dun own them. Someone else does, lucky butts. ^^;;

Pairings: Original characters. R+1, 1/2, 3/4, 5/2? (/ = reversible, y'know what I mean?)
Warnings: OOC, ANGST! Guys are around 20 years old. After EW.

Note: The guys are around 21-ish years old. It's after EW, they've all spent one or two years on their own before going to Preventers when they're 18-19-ish and Heero and Duo finally got together around then and they've been together for about a little more than a year. Everything's pretty vague, eh?

Love Me Still
Part 3

"So you just left him?" I could hear Wufei's incredulous tone through the phone. I had been pacing in my hotel room, wondering what to do. I was confused. Had I just damned or liberated myself? I felt slightly refreshed after giving Heero a piece of my mind but I also felt wrong for leaving him in the middle of a bad situation. Being me, the ever conversationalist, I needed to talk to someone. The way I had left the apartment… It made me uneasy. Had I been too cruel or too unreasonable? I needed reassurance that I had done the right thing, because, right now, I was beginning to regret it.

I should have called Quatre since we were close friends during the war and still kept in touch once in awhile now, but he's too nice. He'd probably have scolded me and advised me to go back and forgive Heero. And I'm not ready for that. I'm still upset with him. There is no way I could look him in the face and forgive him because I didn't. Even when he had apologized, I'm still hurting. I'm still devastated. I can't really call Trowa. The guy's almost as quiet as Heero is. Besides, he's a lot closer to Heero than me anyhow.

My hotel was cheap. It was so outdated that I had to use a telephone instead of the video one to talk to Wufei.

"I just feel bad for walking out on him like that. I mean, I have should stayed there to talk it out." I shouldn't have been so hot tempered.

Shockingly, Wufei was a great listener and we got along pretty well. Though, I half expected him to rant and yell at the both of us for our stupidity. Surprisingly, he was quite supportive.

"Duo, you shouldn't act guilty or sorry." He comforted, his confident voice making me feel slightly better. "You're not the one who did the cheating and slept with Relena."

I frowned and played with the telephone cord. "I know that. But, I mean, did I do something wrong? With the whole relationship. I should have seen it from the beginning or something."

"Seen what?"

"That Heero still had feelings for her, Relena." I sighed miserably. "Even though he lived with me, there was no way I was going to make her disappear from his life, right? Everyone knows she had a huge thing for him. Heck, he probably returned some of those feelings. I don't know. I should have known he cared a lot for her. More than he cared for me, at least. It's like, during the war, she was always top priority. She still is."

Dammit, I can never win against her. Why?! My hand fisted tightly around the telephone cord in anger and frustration.

"No matter how much I give him, he could still turn to her whenever he felt like it. I should have predicted that this might have happened. I just didn't want to believe it would happen!" I didn't want to face the truth; that he might have loved her all this time.

"Duo, why are you blaming yourself for this mess?" Wufei made a lot of sense. He used to be a scholar, you know. He's the smart, reasonable, intellectual one. I rolled over the bed onto my back and stared at the ceiling while thinking about his question. "You might have been the best thing that could have happened to his life and he was too foolish to realize it. It's not your fault he has bad taste and made the wrong decisions." I smiled slightly at his indirect compliment.

Even though Wufei couldn't see it, I shrugged half-heartedly. "I dunno. I guess I'm just trying to find a reason, a catalyst for why he did it. It just doesn't make any sense! I thought we were happy, dammit!" The words tasted bitter in my mouth. I thought he cared for me. I thought wrong.

"Maybe he was telling the truth then, that he had mistaken Relena for you." I snorted sarcastically at Wufei's gullibility.

"He's the freaking Perfect Soldier. He couldn't make a mistake like that. He's not capable of messing up that badly! Do you know how incredulous that excuse sounds?! He must have taken some kind of elephant dosage drug to have been knocked out that badly, not a couple of glasses of champagne!"

Even the mere thought of it was ridiculous.


I haven't realized how cold the sheets usually are for a person alone in bed. Ever since I left the apartment and stayed in this filthy motel, I found myself unconsciously reaching for a body on the other side of the bed and I'd always be surprised and disappointed when nothing was there. And despite the assuring conversation I just had, I hugged desperately onto another pillow, irrationally wishing that it were Heero.

God, What were we doing to each other?

I held the pillow close, wanting to cry, but couldn't. Besides, boys don't cry.


In the office, it was awkward, having Heero just a few desks away from me. I did everything to avoid him, keeping myself busy and always accompanied with Wufei or someone else so I wouldn't be alone when he confronted me. Wufei offered a guest room in his apartment since he lived real close by, but I politely refused. I didn't want to be a burden.

I did that for the entire week. I avoided Heero like he had an infectious plague. But often and unconsciously, I'd, look at him and startle myself when he met my gaze with his dark, Prussian eyes. I'd freeze for a moment like I had been caught with my hand in a cookie jar, then I'd force myself to turn back to my computer screen and paperwork, ignoring his presence again.

It was crazy.


"You're always welcome to stay at my place instead of that cheap motel now that you've broken up with him." Wufei offered again, every other day, as he stirred his coffee.

"We haven't officially broken up, you know." I answered, kind of hesitant to talk about Heero at all. The subject was wearing me out. "I'm just staying at some motel for the moment. I need a little time out to think about things." We were rummaging around in the Preventer's break room and I settled down on the battered couch.

"It's been a few weeks already. Don't you think you've thought about it long enough?" Is there ever a time I DON'T think about it?

"I still love him." I sighed, "I can't explain why. But, I miss him. A lot. I miss the way he feels, smells, sounds, everything about him." God, this makes me sound so pathetically helpless. "The way he's going around, with those hurt puppy dog eyes. I really want to believe him. I want to forgive him and go back to normal. I love him enough to forgive him. I really do, I just…." I took a frustrated breath and gathered my thoughts.

"I haven't said anything to him 'cause I'm afraid. What if he does it again? What if he's lying? What if he still has feelings for her that he's not telling me? I don't want to lose him again. It hurt so much this time, I can't even imagine how it'll feel if there were a next time. I'm just a love sick fool aren't I?" I could tell Wufei was frowning as he came closer to the couch.

"You might love him… but does he love you?"

I didn't think so. "I'm so freakin' stupid aren't I? I can't help it! Everything just feels so wrong now. I'm so confused and messed up inside, like it's just wrong for us to NOT be together."(1) I shut my eyes and let my head drop back to lie against the headrest. "I know I should hate him for what he did to me. I AM hurt, but I can't stop myself from wanting him!" It was like a drug or alcohol. People know it's dangerous, sometimes even life endangering, but they still take it for the high and their addiction. Heero does that to me! He was like opium.

My eyes opened when I felt the seat lurch to the side a bit. Wufei had taken a seat, looking at me oddly.

"Maybe you're just afraid of being alone." He suggested quietly.


"Maybe it's because you haven't been with anyone else or felt anyone else to make a good choice." I felt a blush creep up my face as he leaned in closer. "Maybe you just want him because you haven't experienced anyone better." I darted my eyes down to my hand on my lap when his stared at me because it was getting a little too uncomfortable.

"Maybe…" I agreed with him weakly trying make him back off. Usually, I could handle anyone hitting on me. But Wufei, I don't know, besides being a close friend and a trusted comrade, he gave off an intense feeling that both flattered and bothered me. And maybe it was because it's been so long since anyone had come onto me, that I was getting rusty. Or maybe I was acting shy and coy because I was enjoying it and I didn't want to push him away. I admit, I liked being the center of attention. But, I wanted to remain faithful even though Heero and I were having a bad time.

He smiled- he does have a rather cute and charming when he does that; kind of like Heero's but a little more aware and confidant. "While you're thinking about what to do with your other boyfriend, maybe we should go out and have dinner sometime." Well…. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to go out and experience more. Who knows, maybe there WAS someone out there better for me! Wait…. God. I wanted to slap to sense into myself. I'm supposed to be mourning and wallow in self-pity! Not start prowling for new potential boyfriends! Jesus.

"Look, maybe you should drop by my place sometime." He lived only a few miles away from Heero and my apartment complex. "We can have dinner at my place or something." He was asking me out. Honestly, I'm surprised he was showing any remote interest in me. He had never shown it during the war. I remembered the time Heero had nearly flattened him for hitting on me last time.

I was going to answer when another voice interrupted. Just a slight cough to clear the throat, but I recognized it right away. I started and felt incredibly tense and nervous all of a sudden, turning slowly to see Heero at the doorway.

"Yuy." Wufei greeted as though he couldn't feel the strain that had suddenly appeared in the room. Heero glared at Wufei for a moment and Wufei only stared back aggressively. How long have you been standing at the doorway? Long enough to hear Wufei ask me out? That might be why Heero was glaring daggers at my friend.

"I need to talk to Duo alone, please."

"Oh, of course." Wufei got up and I automatically gave him puppy dog eyes, begging him not to leave me here with Heero. I wasn't ready for this confrontation. Wufei ignored my look, gave me a comforting smile and said, "Call me, ok?" Before leaving.

Heero glared at the door a little longer before relaxing a bit enough to walk to the counter to get some coffee and ask me, "How have you been, Duo?"

"Good I guess." I stuttered a bit, not exactly sure why I should be nervous. "And you? How have you been?"

"I've been better." Heero was horrible at being social, especially with idle talk.

"So, what have you been up to these past few weeks? Been with Relena?" I saw his back stiffen a bit at my remark and he had to slowly put his mug down.

"I haven't been with her, Duo." He confessed nervously. "I've been at home waiting… for you to come back." My eyes widened and I took in a short breath of surprise. It thrilled me to know that he missed me as much as I missed him. Did he hug the pillows at night like I did? Had he cried himself to sleep once? Did he glance longingly at me from his desk when I wasn't paying attention?

Then, I saw the coffee mug Wufei had left in the room, remembering our recent conversation and remembered why we were apart in the first place. "You want me to come home…after what you did to me?" I asked quietly.

He turned around to look at me with guilt and remorse in his pretty eyes and stance. "I've missed you, Duo."

"Why?" I felt my courage coming back after a few more breathes. "You want me to crawl back into your bed to keep you warm at night while you wait for your precious princess to come back from a political campaign?" He just stared at me with a look that I couldn't decipher. Was that a yes?! Jesus Christ, I'm gonna to cry again; I HATE crying. My eyes stung and began to get misty and I got up from the couch. I had to get out of here. Seeing Heero there, before me, made it hurt so much, like God was flaunting something I couldn't have.

"I'm sorry." He finally spoke up. Angrily wiping off stupid tears, I shook my head and walked out the break room. "Didn't you hear me?" Heero followed persistently. "I said I was sorry!" I whirled around, eyeing him and he took a step back; I think he was surprised to see my tears. Surprised to see them? It's your damn fault they're here. Look at what you've done to me, turned me into this horrible, emotional mess. I had never cried until this.

"I already told you, 'Sorry doesn't cut it'." I told him again. "I gave up my LIFE for you, Heero! I could have found someone else by now! We could have been happier! You made me waste a whole year, believing that you actually gave a damn about me!" I wiped the tears away again because they wouldn't stop. "You tricked me you bastard! You used me and cheated on me!" I had never felt so humiliated and betrayed! "I gave my heart to you and you just trampled all over it when you jumped into bed with that woman!"

I would have ranted on longer, but my crying was making my speech glitch when I tried to breath and people in the office were beginning to watch our lover's quarrel. So I shut up and headed out the building.

"Duo! I'm sorry!" He continued, chasing me again. Why do you have to act like you care, Heero? It'll hurt me even worse later on when I give myself this false hope. The rain hit heavily when I stepped out, drenching me almost immediately; April Spring Showers accompanied with icy winds that made me shiver.

Arms came around and embraced me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides and pulling my body closer against his warm one. His grip was too strong for me to escape and he wouldn't let go until he'd finish what he needed to say. I had to fight so hard to keep myself from just letting go and falling against him; I haven't touched or held him in weeks and it felt like forever. His warm breath was tickling ice-cold skin.

"I am so sorry, Duo." His head rested on my shoulder and against my neck and head so that he could speak to into my ear against the angry, thundering rain. "Gomene. Please forgive me." He begged, strong arms tightening around me. His body was a wonderful source of warmth against the cold wind and rain. "I never meant to hurt you… and I honestly meant what I said: That I thought it was you…. I just don't remember it clearly enough. Maybe I thought it was you… I don't know." Confusion was clear in his voice. "I just know that all I could think of was you. If I had known it were someone else, I would never have…" his voice trailed off but his hold was still strong.

"I know it's hard to believe. And I don't know what happened to me. I came home after a mission to bodyguard Relena at one of her galas. And I came home and dropped asleep like a rock on the bed." I stood still, soaking in the feel of him as he continued to explain. I'm weak. I was supposed to resist this. Weak, weak… weak.

"I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was kissing me. And I thought it was you coming home early from your mission. I'm not sure. It was so hazy and I felt like I was swimming in a black ocean, but I assumed it was you." He shook his head, rubbing wet bangs against me. "The next thing I know, I woke up with you in the doorway and Relena next to me in bed." I felt his arms relax but still holding me, just in a warm embrace now.

"I do care for you very much, Duo. I'd NEVER hurt you like that on purpose." That warmed me inside, so much that I almost didn't feel the chill of the weather hitting my skin. "Please, onegai. I'm sorry. Please forgive me." He gave slow, tender kisses onto my neck and continued kissing his way up to the end of my jaw, under my ear.

I took a deep breath and pulled away, slowly, but forcefully. His explanation… left more questions. Should I just pretend like nothing had happened and go home with him again? Impossible. I'd always remember that Relena had stolen my lover's kisses; reminded that, even though accidentally, they had spent a night of passion, sweaty, and tangled in our sheets, in our bed. Involuntary images of her kissing with my handsome lover and the two of them gasping as he moved his hips into her came to my mind. I couldn't handle that right now; maybe later, when all of his reasons sank into me like this rainwater, but not now.

I could forgive him. Accidents happen. He made a mistake and he wanted my forgiveness, but could I give him a second chance?

"I forgive you." I finally told him. I do; I can accept that it was an accident. What to do about it was a different matter. Confused, I began to take a few steps away before Heero called out, "Duo? You're still mad at me?"

I shook my head as I took slow, heavy steps. "I said, I forgive you."

"Then why…" He paused, not sure of what exactly I was what thinking. "Why are you still leaving me?"

"It's not so easy, Heero. I can get over this whole accident thing. But… what if it happens again? I don't know if I'm willing to take the risks." I'm not in the mood to be hurt again.

"I don't want you to leave." His voice and tone sounded so much like a child's. "I'm sorry, Duo! Gomen Nasai! Please stay. I promise. On my life. It'll never happen again. Never." He begged so desperately that I had to turn around to look at him in surprise. Never had I heard such a lost and lonely tone come from him. The rain had soaked him thoroughly and he was hugging himself in such a forlorn manner; I wasn't sure if he was holding himself for comfort or protection against the chill and I couldn't tell whether those were tears or the rain playing tricks on his sad face.

Do you really need me this much? My insides clenched and jumped, nervous and happy to believe that he cared this much. But I shook my head to myself: Be reasonable. Don't get into this again if you're not ready, I told myself. I wasn't ready at all.

"Give me time, Heero." I asked him. "I need time to gather my thoughts. I'm so confused right now that I don't know what to make of anything anymore. This whole thing, it's hard to even believe any of it. There are some things I need to decide for myself." Shivering harshly, he nodded slowly, trying to understand. I didn't know if I could go back to a trusting relationship with him again. I didn't know if I'd ever get past this.

He watched silently as I walked off.

(1) Kudos to Nazzari for saying such a kawaii and true statement J

Note: Ehh, this entire thing, since chapter one to this, it's hard for me. I can't really express Duo's feelings the way I picture it, the anger, the betrayal, frustration and all. I just can't seem to write what I really want. Bare with me onegai. Call it writer's block if you will >_<

on to part 4

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