Love Me Still
"So you just left him?" I could hear Wufei's incredulous tone through the
phone. I had been pacing in my hotel room, wondering what to do. I was
confused. Had I just damned or liberated myself? I felt slightly refreshed
after giving Heero a piece of my mind but I also felt wrong for leaving him
in the middle of a bad situation. Being me, the ever conversationalist, I
needed to talk to someone. The way I had left the apartment… It made me
uneasy. Had I been too cruel or too unreasonable? I needed reassurance
that I had done the right thing, because, right now, I was beginning to
I should have called Quatre since we were close friends during the war and
still kept in touch once in awhile now, but he's too nice. He'd probably
have scolded me and advised me to go back and forgive Heero. And I'm not
ready for that. I'm still upset with him. There is no way I could look him
in the face and forgive him because I didn't. Even when he had apologized,
I'm still hurting. I'm still devastated. I can't really call Trowa. The
guy's almost as quiet as Heero is. Besides, he's a lot closer to Heero than
My hotel was cheap. It was so outdated that I had to use a telephone
instead of the video one to talk to Wufei.
"I just feel bad for walking out on him like that. I mean, I have should
stayed there to talk it out." I shouldn't have been so hot tempered.
Shockingly, Wufei was a great listener and we got along pretty well.
Though, I half expected him to rant and yell at the both of us for our
stupidity. Surprisingly, he was quite supportive.
"Duo, you shouldn't act guilty or sorry." He comforted, his confident voice
making me feel slightly better. "You're not the one who did the cheating
and slept with Relena."
I frowned and played with the telephone cord. "I know that. But, I mean,
did I do something wrong? With the whole relationship. I should have seen
it from the beginning or something."
"That Heero still had feelings for her, Relena." I sighed miserably. "Even
though he lived with me, there was no way I was going to make her disappear
from his life, right? Everyone knows she had a huge thing for him. Heck,
he probably returned some of those feelings. I don't know. I should have
known he cared a lot for her. More than he cared for me, at least. It's
like, during the war, she was always top priority. She still is."
Dammit, I can never win against her. Why?! My hand fisted tightly around
the telephone cord in anger and frustration.
"No matter how much I give him, he could still turn to her whenever he felt
like it. I should have predicted that this might have happened. I just
didn't want to believe it would happen!" I didn't want to face the truth;
that he might have loved her all this time.
"Duo, why are you blaming yourself for this mess?" Wufei made a lot of
sense. He used to be a scholar, you know. He's the smart, reasonable,
intellectual one. I rolled over the bed onto my back and stared at the
ceiling while thinking about his question. "You might have been the best
thing that could have happened to his life and he was too foolish to realize
it. It's not your fault he has bad taste and made the wrong decisions." I
smiled slightly at his indirect compliment.
Even though Wufei couldn't see it, I shrugged half-heartedly. "I dunno. I
guess I'm just trying to find a reason, a catalyst for why he did it. It
just doesn't make any sense! I thought we were happy, dammit!" The words
tasted bitter in my mouth. I thought he cared for me. I thought wrong.
"Maybe he was telling the truth then, that he had mistaken Relena for you."
I snorted sarcastically at Wufei's gullibility.
"He's the freaking Perfect Soldier. He couldn't make a mistake like that.
He's not capable of messing up that badly! Do you know how incredulous that
excuse sounds?! He must have taken some kind of elephant dosage drug to have
been knocked out that badly, not a couple of glasses of champagne!"
Even the mere thought of it was ridiculous.
I haven't realized how cold the sheets usually are for a person alone in
bed. Ever since I left the apartment and stayed in this filthy motel, I
found myself unconsciously reaching for a body on the other side of the bed
and I'd always be surprised and disappointed when nothing was there. And
despite the assuring conversation I just had, I hugged desperately onto
another pillow, irrationally wishing that it were Heero.
God, What were we doing to each other?
I held the pillow close, wanting to cry, but couldn't. Besides, boys don't
In the office, it was awkward, having Heero just a few desks away from me.
I did everything to avoid him, keeping myself busy and always accompanied
with Wufei or someone else so I wouldn't be alone when he confronted me.
Wufei offered a guest room in his apartment since he lived real close by,
but I politely refused. I didn't want to be a burden.
I did that for the entire week. I avoided Heero like he had an infectious
plague. But often and unconsciously, I'd, look at him and startle myself
when he met my gaze with his dark, Prussian eyes. I'd freeze for a moment
like I had been caught with my hand in a cookie jar, then I'd force myself
to turn back to my computer screen and paperwork, ignoring his presence
It was crazy.
"You're always welcome to stay at my place instead of that cheap motel now
that you've broken up with him." Wufei offered again, every other day, as he
stirred his coffee.
"We haven't officially broken up, you know." I answered, kind of hesitant
to talk about Heero at all. The subject was wearing me out. "I'm just
staying at some motel for the moment. I need a little time out to think
about things." We were rummaging around in the Preventer's break room and I
settled down on the battered couch.
"It's been a few weeks already. Don't you think you've thought about it
long enough?" Is there ever a time I DON'T think about it?
"I still love him." I sighed, "I can't explain why. But, I miss him. A
lot. I miss the way he feels, smells, sounds, everything about him." God,
this makes me sound so pathetically helpless. "The way he's going around,
with those hurt puppy dog eyes. I really want to believe him. I want to
forgive him and go back to normal. I love him enough to forgive him. I
really do, I just…." I took a frustrated breath and gathered my thoughts.
"I haven't said anything to him 'cause I'm afraid. What if he does it
again? What if he's lying? What if he still has feelings for her that he's
not telling me? I don't want to lose him again. It hurt so much this time,
I can't even imagine how it'll feel if there were a next time. I'm just a
love sick fool aren't I?" I could tell Wufei was frowning as he came closer
to the couch.
"You might love him… but does he love you?"
I didn't think so. "I'm so freakin' stupid aren't I? I can't help it!
Everything just feels so wrong now. I'm so confused and messed up inside,
like it's just wrong for us to NOT be together."(1) I shut my eyes and let
my head drop back to lie against the headrest. "I know I should hate him
for what he did to me. I AM hurt, but I can't stop myself from wanting
him!" It was like a drug or alcohol. People know it's dangerous, sometimes
even life endangering, but they still take it for the high and their
addiction. Heero does that to me! He was like opium.
My eyes opened when I felt the seat lurch to the side a bit. Wufei had
taken a seat, looking at me oddly.
"Maybe you're just afraid of being alone." He suggested quietly.
"Maybe it's because you haven't been with anyone else or felt anyone else to
make a good choice." I felt a blush creep up my face as he leaned in
closer. "Maybe you just want him because you haven't experienced anyone
better." I darted my eyes down to my hand on my lap when his stared at me
because it was getting a little too uncomfortable.
"Maybe…" I agreed with him weakly trying make him back off. Usually, I
could handle anyone hitting on me. But Wufei, I don't know, besides being a
close friend and a trusted comrade, he gave off an intense feeling that both
flattered and bothered me. And maybe it was because it's been so long since
anyone had come onto me, that I was getting rusty. Or maybe I was acting
shy and coy because I was enjoying it and I didn't want to push him away. I
admit, I liked being the center of attention. But, I wanted to remain
faithful even though Heero and I were having a bad time.
He smiled- he does have a rather cute and charming when he does that; kind
of like Heero's but a little more aware and confidant. "While you're
thinking about what to do with your other boyfriend, maybe we should go out
and have dinner sometime." Well…. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to go
out and experience more. Who knows, maybe there WAS someone out there
better for me! Wait…. God. I wanted to slap to sense into myself. I'm
supposed to be mourning and wallow in self-pity! Not start prowling for new
potential boyfriends! Jesus.
"Look, maybe you should drop by my place sometime." He lived only a few
miles away from Heero and my apartment complex. "We can have dinner at my
place or something." He was asking me out. Honestly, I'm surprised he was
showing any remote interest in me. He had never shown it during the war. I
remembered the time Heero had nearly flattened him for hitting on me last
I was going to answer when another voice interrupted. Just a slight cough
to clear the throat, but I recognized it right away. I started and felt
incredibly tense and nervous all of a sudden, turning slowly to see Heero at
"Yuy." Wufei greeted as though he couldn't feel the strain that had
suddenly appeared in the room. Heero glared at Wufei for a moment and Wufei
only stared back aggressively.
How long have you been standing at the doorway? Long enough to hear Wufei
ask me out? That might be why Heero was glaring daggers at my friend.
"I need to talk to Duo alone, please."
"Oh, of course." Wufei got up and I automatically gave him puppy dog eyes,
begging him not to leave me here with Heero. I wasn't ready for this
confrontation. Wufei ignored my look, gave me a comforting smile and said,
"Call me, ok?" Before leaving.
Heero glared at the door a little longer before relaxing a bit enough to
walk to the counter to get some coffee and ask me, "How have you been, Duo?"
"Good I guess." I stuttered a bit, not exactly sure why I should be
nervous. "And you? How have you been?"
"I've been better." Heero was horrible at being social, especially with
"So, what have you been up to these past few weeks? Been with Relena?" I
saw his back stiffen a bit at my remark and he had to slowly put his mug
"I haven't been with her, Duo." He confessed nervously. "I've been at home
waiting… for you to come back." My eyes widened and I took in a short
breath of surprise. It thrilled me to know that he missed me as much as I
missed him. Did he hug the pillows at night like I did? Had he cried
himself to sleep once? Did he glance longingly at me from his desk when I
wasn't paying attention?
Then, I saw the coffee mug Wufei had left in the room, remembering our
recent conversation and remembered why we were apart in the first place.
"You want me to come home…after what you did to me?" I asked quietly.
He turned around to look at me with guilt and remorse in his pretty eyes and
stance. "I've missed you, Duo."
"Why?" I felt my courage coming back after a few more breathes. "You want
me to crawl back into your bed to keep you warm at night while you wait for
your precious princess to come back from a political campaign?" He just
stared at me with a look that I couldn't decipher. Was that a yes?! Jesus
Christ, I'm gonna to cry again; I HATE crying. My eyes stung and began to
get misty and I got up from the couch. I had to get out of here. Seeing
Heero there, before me, made it hurt so much, like God was flaunting
something I couldn't have.
"I'm sorry." He finally spoke up. Angrily wiping off stupid tears, I shook
my head and walked out the break room. "Didn't you hear me?" Heero
followed persistently. "I said I was sorry!" I whirled around, eyeing him
and he took a step back; I think he was surprised to see my tears.
Surprised to see them? It's your damn fault they're here. Look at what
you've done to me, turned me into this horrible, emotional mess. I had
never cried until this.
"I already told you, 'Sorry doesn't cut it'." I told him again. "I gave
up my LIFE for you, Heero! I could have found someone else by now! We
could have been happier! You made me waste a whole year, believing that you
actually gave a damn about me!" I wiped the tears away again because they
wouldn't stop. "You tricked me you bastard! You used me and cheated on
me!" I had never felt so humiliated and betrayed! "I gave my heart to you
and you just trampled all over it when you jumped into bed with that woman!"
I would have ranted on longer, but my crying was making my speech glitch
when I tried to breath and people in the office were beginning to watch our
lover's quarrel. So I shut up and headed out the building.
"Duo! I'm sorry!" He continued, chasing me again. Why do you have to act
like you care, Heero? It'll hurt me even worse later on when I give myself
this false hope. The rain hit heavily when I stepped out, drenching me
almost immediately; April Spring Showers accompanied with icy winds that
made me shiver.
Arms came around and embraced me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides
and pulling my body closer against his warm one. His grip was too strong
for me to escape and he wouldn't let go until he'd finish what he needed to
say. I had to fight so hard to keep myself from just letting go and falling
against him; I haven't touched or held him in weeks and it felt like
forever. His warm breath was tickling ice-cold skin.
"I am so sorry, Duo." His head rested on my shoulder and against my neck
and head so that he could speak to into my ear against the angry, thundering
rain. "Gomene. Please forgive me." He begged, strong arms tightening
around me. His body was a wonderful source of warmth against the cold wind
and rain. "I never meant to hurt you… and I honestly meant what I said:
That I thought it was you…. I just don't remember it clearly enough. Maybe
I thought it was you… I don't know." Confusion was clear in his voice. "I
just know that all I could think of was you. If I had known it were someone
else, I would never have…" his voice trailed off but his hold was still
"I know it's hard to believe. And I don't know what happened to me. I came
home after a mission to bodyguard Relena at one of her galas. And I came
home and dropped asleep like a rock on the bed." I stood still, soaking in
the feel of him as he continued to explain. I'm weak. I was supposed to
resist this. Weak, weak… weak.
"I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was kissing me. And I
thought it was you coming home early from your mission. I'm not sure. It
was so hazy and I felt like I was swimming in a black ocean, but I assumed
it was you." He shook his head, rubbing wet bangs against me. "The next
thing I know, I woke up with you in the doorway and Relena next to me in
bed." I felt his arms relax but still holding me, just in a warm embrace
"I do care for you very much, Duo. I'd NEVER hurt you like that on
purpose." That warmed me inside, so much that I almost didn't feel the
chill of the weather hitting my skin. "Please, onegai. I'm sorry. Please
forgive me." He gave slow, tender kisses onto my neck and continued kissing
his way up to the end of my jaw, under my ear.
I took a deep breath and pulled away, slowly, but forcefully. His
explanation… left more questions. Should I just pretend like nothing had
happened and go home with him again? Impossible. I'd always remember that
Relena had stolen my lover's kisses; reminded that, even though
accidentally, they had spent a night of passion, sweaty, and tangled in our
sheets, in our bed. Involuntary images of her kissing with my handsome
lover and the two of them gasping as he moved his hips into her came to my
mind. I couldn't handle that right now; maybe later, when all of his
reasons sank into me like this rainwater, but not now.
I could forgive him. Accidents happen. He made a mistake and he wanted my
forgiveness, but could I give him a second chance?
"I forgive you." I finally told him. I do; I can accept that it was an
accident. What to do about it was a different matter. Confused, I began to
take a few steps away before Heero called out, "Duo? You're still mad at
I shook my head as I took slow, heavy steps. "I said, I forgive you."
"Then why…" He paused, not sure of what exactly I was what thinking. "Why
are you still leaving me?"
"It's not so easy, Heero. I can get over this whole accident thing. But…
what if it happens again? I don't know if I'm willing to take the risks."
I'm not in the mood to be hurt again.
"I don't want you to leave." His voice and tone sounded so much like a
child's. "I'm sorry, Duo! Gomen Nasai! Please stay. I promise. On my
life. It'll never happen again. Never." He begged so desperately that I
had to turn around to look at him in surprise. Never had I heard such a
lost and lonely tone come from him. The rain had soaked him thoroughly and
he was hugging himself in such a forlorn manner; I wasn't sure if he was
holding himself for comfort or protection against the chill and I couldn't
tell whether those were tears or the rain playing tricks on his sad face.
Do you really need me this much? My insides clenched and jumped, nervous
and happy to believe that he cared this much. But I shook my head to
myself: Be reasonable. Don't get into this again if you're not ready, I
told myself. I wasn't ready at all.
"Give me time, Heero." I asked him. "I need time to gather my thoughts.
I'm so confused right now that I don't know what to make of anything
anymore. This whole thing, it's hard to even believe any of it. There are
some things I need to decide for myself." Shivering harshly, he nodded
slowly, trying to understand. I didn't know if I could go back to a
trusting relationship with him again. I didn't know if I'd ever get past
He watched silently as I walked off.
(1) Kudos to Nazzari for saying such a kawaii and true statement J
Note: Ehh, this entire thing, since chapter one to this, it's hard for me.
I can't really express Duo's feelings the way I picture it, the anger, the
betrayal, frustration and all. I just can't seem to write what I really
want. Bare with me onegai. Call it writer's block if you will >_<