Love Me Still
“Wufei?” He looked up from his work and smiled at me with light-brown eyes.
“About that dinner.” I was hesitant, but I really needed to talk to someone. “I’d like to take your offer.”
“Really?” His eyes lit up and he smiled widely. “How does tomorrow at 8 in the evening sound?”
I nodded. “Sounds fine to me.” I felt slightly nervous. I mean, he made it sound like it was a date or something. It wasn’t, or at least it wasn’t supposed to be.
“My place, right?”
“Yea….” I agreed more or less. Wufei said something more but I wasn’t paying attention. Instead, I was frowning at Heero’s empty desk. It was already late in the afternoon and he still hadn’t shown up. Naturally, worry plagued me, but it’s not like something serious could have happened to the perfect soldier, right? If Heero had gotten into an accident, it would have been announced to the office already. And he wasn’t sick. Absolutely not. Perfect soldiers just don’t get sick. I’ve never seen him catch anything in the years I’ve known him. So I figured he just wasn’t in the mood to go to work and see me today after I had walked out on him when he apologized again and again.
I gnawed on my lower lip anxiously. Maybe he got tired of trying, gave up, and went on with his life. My own fears of commitment again might just have damned me.
“Duo, when you wanted to have dinner with me, I was hoping we’d have a lot more to talk about besides Heero.” Like my appetite had suddenly disappeared, I picked at the food on my plate. I had been sitting there for more than half an hour griping about the whole insane situation.
I murmured an apology. But, I had wanted dinner because I needed someone to talk to. Yes, I like talking. Talking out loud helps me think. I always need someone to talk to. Right now, I was so confused and didn’t know what to do. I needed help and advice. “I’m worried about him. He didn’t show up at the office today either and you know what a workaholic he is.” I suddenly brought up.
Wufei gave an exasperated sigh before taking a sip of his wine. It went well with the fish, but call me crazy ‘cause I hate seafood. I should have told him before he went all out and planned some complex seafood course for our dinner today.
“Why are you so worried?” He asked. “He can take care of himself. You and I both know he’s more than able to take care of himself. Besides, you’re supposed to be mad at him.”
“But I still lo—…” I stopped before I could finish blurting the sentence out. Sometimes I just talk way too much. Seeming to be angry, Wufei was frowning at me.
“Love him? The dishonorable bastard cheated on you. He slept with another woman behind your back.”
I shook my head insistently. “He told me it was an accident. I forgave him.” It’s funny how I ended up defending him when I wasn’t even supposed to.
“You… You forgave him?!” Wufei sputtered in disbelief. I felt like a child getting scolded by Sister Helen all over again.
“Do you think I’m making a mistake?” He took deep breath to calm himself.
“Truthfully, I do. I can’t believe you’d forgive him so easily. How do you even know he was telling he truth? Maybe he’s playing the both you AND Relena for fools.” I didn’t object because he could be right; so I just played with my fork, stabbing the food around on my plate.
“I just needed to know that someone supported my decisions.” I told him quietly. Since when had I grown so unconfident? But he shook his head and added a “sorry” for emphasis, his elegant, poetic hand playing with the glass. I gave a heavy sigh, sagging my shoulders in exaggeration. I didn’t think he’d disagree so vehemently.
“Look, you’re just 21.” Wufei pointed out. “You still have a long life ahead of you. Don’t you think it’s kind of early to think that he’s your soul mate? You’re too young to get married anyway.” He thought I was still a child but I wasn’t; maybe it’s because I act so immature sometimes, but I wasn’t a kid. He should know this. He wasn’t a child either. Gundam pilots were far from being children. A child couldn’t kill handfuls of soldiers. I was never a child. “You should go and live life freely. Why try and chain yourself when you still have a lot of things to do?” His reasons seemed tempting.
Was I really chaining myself to Heero? I frowned, leaning back in my chair.
I’ve experienced and seen so many things in my short life: death, grief, pain, anger. I’ve been to space and almost everywhere on Earth. I’ve experienced more than an average man would. I’ve experienced almost everything already. Almost everything. I wanted to experience love now; Heero gave it to me, or so I thought. He makes me feel so loved and needed, even now when he follows me around asking for forgiveness. He acts as though he really needs me.
But, Wufei keeps on bringing me back to reality and I keep remembering how sated and content Heero looked with an arm around Relena. He nuzzled her- an affectionate thing he did to me to. In part… I think I was jealous that Relena got to experience this side of him that was reserved for me. His tender actions and touches were supposed to be for me and only for me! I was angry with the both of them for spoiling something precious to me. She’s tainted his touch. Also, I know I forgave him, but I was still angry that he made the dumbest mistake and ruined everything. I’m just so angry, frustrated and disappointed at so many things.
“Duo? You want to talk about it instead of taking it out on the napkin?” My eyes focused and I saw that the napkin in my hands was twisted and tearing apart. My friend smiled at me sympathetically, like he really understood my turmoil. Right before he opened his mouth to say more, the phone rang.
“Hold on for a minute, I’ll be right back” I nodded, downing the rest of my drink as I waited.
“Hello?” The vid-phone was just a few feet from the dining table and I could make out Relena’s image when it appeared on the screen.
“Wufei? I have been trying to contact you for weeks. Why haven’t you replied to any of my calls?” He ran a hand through his slightly lengthy hair impatiently.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.” He apologized to my enemy. “Look, Relena, is this important? Now isn’t really a good time—.”
“I need to talk to you. This is VERY important.” She insisted. Of course, the queen always gets her way. He breathed air out heavily. “OK, hang on.” He pressed a button, blacking out the screen, putting it on hold.
“Why is Relena calling?” I asked, my voice sounded a bit icy. She was interrupting our dinner and bothering a good friend. It’s like she’s trying to ruin everything in my life, like she was born to make my life miserable. I know my face was bunched up in a frustrated frown. It’s bad enough that she tried to steal my boyfriend, but now, she’s trying to take my friends too!
“I used to be one of her bodyguards before I transferred to Preventer’s, remember?” Wufei explained. “We became good friends. I’m sorry about this. It won’t take long.” He hurried off into his room to have a private conversation.
Well, it certainly wasn’t a minute. It felt like their conversation was taking forever! While sitting by myself, I had almost drunk more than half of the champagne bottle already and now I was squirming around needing to visit the bathroom.
Wandering around the small place to find the bathroom, I heard their conversation as I passed by an open door. I’m not a nosy person, but this conversation caught my attention.
“I don’t care, Relena! It’s your fault it happened. Why do you have to be such a weak onna about it?” I heard Wufei scold her. Oh never mind… I AM a nosy person. Peeking into his room, I saw him sitting with his back to me so I could still see Relena on the screen. She looked like she was on the verge of crying.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Wufei!”
He just shook his head angrily. “Whatever happened between the two of you is not my problem.” Who were they talking about? Heero? Then she surprised the hell out of me by actually bursting into tears, burying her face into her hands. I almost felt sorry for her because Queen’s of the world shouldn’t have to cry like this.
“God, he didn’t even know it was me!” She cried. “I gave him my body and he didn’t even cry out the right name when he had an orgasm!” I gave a quiet gasp. “ Duo! Duo!” She mimicked bitterly as she covered her ears dramatically. “That’s all I can hear in my mind! His voice calling out Duo’s name when he climaxed into me! I cried myself to sleep beside him as he nuzzled my neck, thinking I was that …that other MAN! I don’t understand…. How? He wasn’t THAT out of it was he?”
For some reason, seeing Relena sobbing hysterically made me feel giddy. I’m not cruel… but it proved that Heero was telling the truth! Not that I had doubted him, but it made me feel better that Relena hadn’t enjoyed it. It serves her right. It made me feel a whole lot better to know that I was all that was on his mind! That he really, truly loved me! I did a mental happy dance.
Heero! I had the urge I had to see him immediately!
So I popped into Wufei’s room, startling him. “Hey! I just remembered there’s something important I have to go do right now!” He was looking confusedly, wondering why I had the world’s silliest grin in the world. “I’ll see you back in the office on Monday, ok? Sorry about cutting the date short. BYE~~” Before he could utter a sound, I was already out to Heero and my place.
It was dark when I unlocked the door and slipped in. Where was he? I wandered into the bedroom where only one lamp shined, giving the place an old glow. I recognized the lump lying in our bed as Heero. It was so quiet that I felt a bit jumpy as I approached him.
He was sleeping, dark eyelashes resting against his unusually rosy cheeks. I crept silently to his side and sat on the bed, watching him sleep. It’s amazing how he transformed when he sleeps. When he’s asleep, he’s my precious angel.
I frowned when I noticed his bangs plastered to his forehead with sweat. His breathing was a little ragged. When I touched his forehead, his eyes fluttered open and stared for a few seconds. “Hey, you. It’s me.” I greeted softly.
“Duo?” I nodded, pushing back his wet bangs.
“You don’t look so good.” I commented with concern, frowning when I felt his sweat soaked head. Did he have a fever or something? Yea, his forehead burned against my hand. So that’s why he’s been absent from work!
“You’ve been here alone?” I suddenly felt guilty when he nodded. I should have been here for him. “When did you catch the fever?”
He looked down to where my hand had sought his. “When I came home after talking to you. It must have been the rain.” His voice was scratchy, so I reluctantly left to fetch a glass of water that he drank gratefully.
“You’ve been taking care of yourself all this time?” I saw his delighted look when I reached down to grasp his warm hand again and he nodded.
“At least, I’ve tried to. I called the doctor and he came here to give me medicine because I couldn’t get out of bed that day.” He pointed vaguely and I saw the bottle of meds on the nightstand. I felt guilt-ridden. I should have been here for him. Even when I was angry with him, I had claimed to love him. I should have been here.
“Hey, you’re gonna be ok now. I’m gonna take good care of you so you’ll get better soon.” He frowned adorably, trying to see where we stood now, whether I had forgiven him and come back. I offered a smile and bent down to kiss his hot forehead. “I’m here, I’ll take care of you.” I repeated. “Get some rest now.”
“You’re going to stay?” His voice was weak and unsure. I smiled again because he looks so cute when he was confused and vulnerable.
“I’m going to stay. Forever if you like. I love you still, y’know.” I reached over to turn off the lamp.
Our recovery time was pretty fast; Heero quickly overcame the virus with me by his side and was back to “normal”. Technically, nothing was normal again. Sometimes, it was downright awkward. Sometimes, we fumbled clumsily in a kiss as though we had just learned instead of being experienced for at least a year. Sometimes, when he’d try and kiss me, I’d have to draw back, a hand on his chest and say, “Don’t” to make him keep his distance. He understood this awkwardness and nodded miserably, backing off.
Don’t get me wrong. I love him with all my heart, so much that it aches when I think about him when he’s only a few feet away. But, sometimes, I’d get imaginary flashbacks and see him kissing that Queen instead of me and it makes my insides lurch so I’d stop and turn away. Would any normal person have continued?
At first, it was tentative light touches, like a hand brushing casually against mine when we reached for something, or our arms in contact, letting me feel the warmth of his skin against mine, when he stood beside me. For the first week, I insisted on sleeping on the couch, not overlooking his disappointed expression. I don’t know, it was just really weird to lie next to him after all we’d been through, after all the hateful things I’d said to him. It was almost like we had become strangers again. Eventually, the touching became more regular, with more purpose. They lasted longer until I could finally relax in his embrace again.
It was such a painstaking process to finally let my guard down and sleep in the same bed. Smartly, I concluded that it was much better than a couch and he was better than any substitute pillow.
“I’ve missed being in your arms.” I commented sleepily. I snuggled against him when he wrapped an arm around me. He smiled at me with eyes almost glowing.
Sleeping with Heero is always nice. I mean, sleeping normal sleep, not that other kind of raunchy sleep. I know why I missed him so much when I left and moved into the hotel. He was incredibly warm, like a built-in heater. I suppose that’s how he can go around in cold weather with spandex shorts and tank tops. His comforting warmth makes me drowsy when I snuggle into his body. Oh, he’s best during the wintertime, but even in the summer, I’d still miss the feel of his supporting body.
“You love me still?” He asked suddenly, tightening his arms securely around me. I smiled back before giving a slow, lazy kiss.
We never did anything explicitly hardcore, if you know what I mean. There was a lot of touching, but not much anything else. I suppose we had an unspoken agreement that things weren’t going to happen unless I felt comfortable enough to initiate them. Heero never complained. He understood, guiltily, that it was taking me time to learn to trust him again with my mind and body. So, he was patient.
Lucky for him, I wasn’t as patient. Each touch left that tingling feeling on my skin and I melted under his searing stares. I wanted him and each time I hesitated, the desire would come back twice as powerful the next time it came, so much that it hurt.
So tonight…. Tonight, I decided it was time for at least some gratification. Heero made the most beautiful, soft, crying sound as he spilt his seed into my mouth only muffled by my own sex between his lips. Just a few more thrusts of my hips and I came, shuddering into his hot mouth soon afterwards. We drank each other greedily. Sometimes, I’m not in the mood for swallowing, but right then, I wanted to devour him. I wanted to lick and suck till he was dry, to remember this bitter, but “different from anyone else’s” flavor. I can tell Heero felt the same. He was trying savoring the taste of me even when I had already softened.
“Heero.” I purred his name out when I finally let go of his member and moved back up to return his loving gaze and obliging into his sleepy kiss. God, I loved him so much.
Surprisingly, everything thing went fine afterwards. Sex is not the answer to everything, but it was like all the tension and awkwardness had disappeared and we were, at last, easily falling back into our usual state of mind. One happy, loving, playful, adventurous couple again.
But while one relationship was growing again, I was slowly losing another. Wufei seemed uncomfortable around me now. He’d still smile, but it didn’t take a genius to see how strained it was.
“I’m happy for you, Duo.” He answered when I cornered him in an office corridor and asked if something was wrong. “I really am, but I’m disappointed too. You have to know that by now.” I swallowed guiltily. I had spent a lot of Wufei’s time with my problems. He had said to leave Heero and I had ignored his advice. I know how irritating it can be when people ask for advice and never take it.
“…I’m sorry.” I wasn’t exactly sure why I apologized. But I felt like I had betrayed him.
“Don’t be. You’re happy aren’t you?” Sort of. There were a still a few wounds to patch up, but I felt them healing quickly with the barest scars. We were getting there. I wasn’t totally happy. There was something definitely missing. “Ah, I better be going, my break is almost over. I’ll talk to you later, Maxwell.” He walked off in a hurry, leaving me alone to ponder about that missing thing.
“Hey you.” A soft voice whispered before kissing me quickly behind my ear, a sensitive, ticklish spot. I chuckled and turned around quickly, wrapping my arms around Heero’s strong shoulders. “You look like you’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” He observed.
“I have.” He tilted his head at me, expecting me to explain further but I just smiled mysteriously. “Just…. Just hold me for a second will you?” I requested. His befuddled expression was adorable.
I rolled my eyes exasperatingly. “Of course now.” I knew he was shy in public, but I just wanted to feel him right now. It was a sudden craving. I took in a deep, content breath and rested my head on his shoulder when he hugged my waist, pulling us taut together. I told you he was warm right?
He feels like life against me. My life. Burying my hands into his soft, short hair, I sighed, feeling a bit out of it. How can a simple touch be so comforting? Some people think they can live without the contact, but they don’t know how much they’ve been missing out until someone like Heero comes along and wraps his arms around them. (Of course, I’ll go absolutely berserk if I found his arms around anyone else again. Once in enough to make me go half insane.) It’s the most safe, sound, and soothing thing.
“How long has it been since we made love?” I whispered half to myself, nearly drowsy in the blissful feeling. I felt him start in surprise and he drew his head back to look at me clearly. I tightened the embrace encouragingly. “It feels like it’s been forever.” Even now. Time was not a constant. It was as if it had frozen just to give me this one peaceful moment.
We had only gone around a few of the bases and yet to make a homerun. The taste of his heady flavor nights ago made me yearn for more than just a small sample. I wanted to fully trust him again. The feeling of his arms around me had increased my confidence and belief in him.
“Aa. It’s been too long, Duo.” He murmured softly. Certainly too long; I was beginning to ache just from holding him. He bent his head down slowly and kissed me softly; the slow, lazy kind of kiss that leaves me moaning with a slight, “Mmmh”.
“You’re break was five minutes over already.” He spoke softly, breaking the kiss all too soon for my liking.
“God, you’ve got a handsome, horny, young bishounen in your arms and that’s all you think about?” I smiled good-humouredly at him, slowly getting out of my dazed stupor.
His eyes had a sparkle behind the blue when he smiled slightly. “It’s almost time to go home. Wait, koi. It’ll be better than dragging you off to the nearest broom closet here.” I separated from him reluctantly but agreed. The last thing, the wrong thing, to do was to go and have a quick fuck in the storage room. I felt an imaginary draft overcome my skin and I shivered in excitement. I couldn’t wait till we got home.
My hands ran languidly over heated skin, crawling to touch and feel; such smooth velvet skin with traces of past wounds.
In our dark bedroom, we made love at a slow pace, savoring every moment. Almost absolutely silent and almost blind in the dark, I let my other senses take over: Touch, hearing, smell; it flooded me and made me more aware than I had ever been. I felt his soft skin against mine, and the warmth of his body; felt him moving in me in a long-drawn-out pace. I breathed in his unique cologne, his shampoo and soap; smelt the sweat, even pre-cum, the smell of sex. I heard every push, every rustle of the sheets or bedspring even the movements; listened to every sigh or muffled gasp.
“Heero, help.” Afraid of breaking the silence, I whispered so softly it was almost inaudible. Calloused hands cupped my buttocks and aided me, urging me to move faster, down harder at the same pace as his hips moved up.
Oh god. Heero… I was screaming his name in the back of my throat, but no sound escaped me. Just a bit more…. I’m almost there. Almost.
“Ngh.” I grunted and arched back sharply like I’d been shot, feeling my orgasm fire through me, the ecstasy shocking my entire system.
Heero’s hands held my hips with almost nearly bruising force as he pulled me down harshly, lifting his hips and grinding himself inside me, crying my name quietly as he reached his own climax. Oh… I closed my eyes and rode with the sensation: Him filling me with his warm seed.
When I finally came down from my ultimate high, I collapsed on him weakly, breathing heavily, unsure if the fast heartbeat in my ear was Heero’s or mine. His arms wrapped around me tightly, sealing us with our sweat and my essence that covered his chest and stomach. I’ve missed this so much; this content, sated, hazy feeling and the memory of his handsome face.
We remained this way, slowing our breaths until the position became uncomfortable and I had to reluctantly sit back up. He had such a golden glow around him when he looked up at me affectionately. My angel.
The both of us frowned, but wanted to smile at the mess he and I made, and used some of the bed sheets to wipe the slippery liquid away. He rolled us over so we were on his unsullied side of the bed. I sighed, finally content to fall asleep for the first time in a long while.