Love Me Still
Everything was so perfect afterwards. He treated me... like... well... a princess. Breakfast was hot and ready when I woke up and came out of the bathroom. Dinner was always my favorite dishes, even if it was a pain in the ass to cook. Heíd always offer to brush and braid my hair. I loved every bit of it. Iíve never had a personal servant before, fussing over me. Heck, Iíve never really had a mother to fuss over me. He made an obvious attempt to be more affectionate, randomly seizing me from behind, nearly cracking a rib in a bear hug. And heíd take my hand when we walked along the streets, smiling when I practically glowed at the simple public touch. This was his way of apologizing, Iím sure. But all it would have taken was to tell me he loved me.
That was nagging at me constantly.
"Is something wrong?" He asked, concerned when he saw me watching him type up a report. I was curled up on beat in recliner, nibbling on the inside of my cheek while twirling a finger around my braid. I was doing that unconsciously as I stared at him without even seeing him, lost in my own thoughts. When I was quiet and staring off distantly, it usually meant that something was up. "Duo?"
I finally focused on his gorgeous face before registering his question. "No, nothingís wrong." He raised an eyebrow in skepticism, but didnít ask any further. When he turned back to his computer screen, he missed my pleading look. You can do so much for me, but why canít you just tell me you love me?
"I love you." I blurted out, wishing heíd return the favor. He looked at me with a quirked eyebrow before coming over to kiss my forehead.
"Aa." Thatís all he can say? Please, just once. Thatís all I need to hear. Is it something so hard that you canít do it? Is it because you donít?
To my dismay, he didnít say anything more.
"Hey, letís go to bed, ok? You can finish that report tomorrow." I suggested. Glad to have an excuse to postpone his report, he nodded and helped me up from my seat.
There was something about going to bed. It was like a way of avoiding a conflict. The way he touches me in bed makes me more secure. It made me feel like I almost didnít need to hear the words from his mouth because his actions spoke louder than words.
... At least it felt that way.
Itís been only a month and a half or two since we made up. That wasnít too quick was it? I made a noise as I shifted on the bed, turning over to wrap an arm around my lover, but he wasnít there. I cracked one eye open to a slit to find him and realized that there were quiet voices in the background.
"I donít believe it." That was Heeroís voice.
"... . I donít know what to do, Heero." I bit back a groan of disappointment. It was Her again. Relena. Frowning, I turned over onto my back to stare at the ceiling as I listened to their conversation. If Heero was involved, I felt like I certainly had a right to eavesdrop.
"It... that... only one time!" Heero seemed to be at a loss for words.
"Anything can happen in just one moment."
"Uso! Damn it! You didnít even bother to use protection?!" His voice was low and angry, making my eyes widen. Protection? Had they caught some kind of sexually transmitted disease?! My heart suddenly surged, beating quick with adrenaline. No way.
Relenaís voice was choking. "Iím so sorry, Heero. I... Iíve missed my ... I was afraid and tried a tests and it was positive." Oh... my... god... I think I had stopped breathing for a minute as it clicked.
"Canít you just abort it?" Heero was always practical. But Relena was horrified by that idea.
"I could never EVER do something like that... I have moral standards."
//Right, like jumping into my boyfriendís bed and sleeping him was such a good moral choice. // I thought sarcastically resentful. There was a moment of silence that I drowned in, a million of thoughts rushing through my head.
"Youíre going to be a father, Heero." My hands clenched the sheets and I felt a spasm making my innards tremor with horror. Relenaís words hit me like a heavy rock. Heero was going to have a child... with someone else. He was going to have a family with someone else... and where would that leave me? Alone again?
No. Not again. I donít want to be alone again.
"Iie... " Heero was denying but Relena forced it onto him.
"Youíre the father. This... our child needs you! I need you!" She reasoned too well with him and I had a premonition of defeat in my mind. "How will the world react if I give birth to a bastard child? You canít abandon me now. After all the hard work youíve done to win the war and keep the peace. The news would cause a scandalous uproar. You know it would." Damn her! She made it feel like it was all his responsibility, his mission!
I shut my eyes and pretended not to hear Heeroís response. I didnít want to hear myself losing him already when I had just regained him. THIS. This was what I was so afraid of: Losing him again.
"Give me time, Relena." He said it softly like he was already resigning to his duty and I heard the click as the vid-screen turned off. He couldnít... wouldnít go to her! He loved ME dammit! He chased after and begged ME to come back. Not her. That was proof that he wanted me, wasnít it? I think I was in denial and all my excuses and reasons for him to stay with me were futile.
The bed shifted as he sat on my side of the bed. I let the silence linger, keeping my eyes closed and just listening to him breathe, just feeling the heat from his body emanating close enough so I could feel it against my arm. I didnít want to breath, didnít want to move, or open my eyes for fear that when I did, time would suddenly move again and heíd be gone in a few minutes. He probably knew I was awake but didnít do anything. Without seeing, I knew he was gazing down at me.
I felt his hand brush my bangs away from my face and down to caress my cheek. The contact ruined me "Youíre leaving me, arenít you?" I asked before opening my eyes to watch him. He didnít answer but I saw it clearly on his usually unexpressive face: Guilt, remorse, and sorrow. Without him voicing it, I already knew the answer.
I had already lost him.
He leaned down to kiss me but I dodged it not wanting any good-bye kiss. "Donít leave me." My voice sounded awfully pitiful and small. There was hurt in his eyes that mine reflected 10 times worse. Instead, he gave a small, slow, sad kiss on my forehead. My lungs made a sort of bouncing sensation as I swallowed a sob. I was going to cry, so I pushed him away weakly, not wanting him to see. "You donít have to go to her. Itís HER problem." I blurted out, giving him a reason to stay with me.
"She has my child." He told me softly as if the words might actually do physical harm to me. I turned away, biting my lip as my breath hitched. "It is my problem and my responsibility." I looked outside the window to see the grayish, rainy weather, in turmoil like my emotions. You know, I was almost desperate to just give him my body.
Take him to bed. I had some kind of crazy whim that if I blew his mind away, he wouldnít even think of anything else but me, and heíd forget Relena and stay with me. I could show him how much I loved him. I could show him how much I was willing to give him. EVERYTHIING. I was willing give him everything, even my body if he needed it. I would sacrifice my body; I would DIE in his place if need be.
I trashed that idea. That was purely psychotic thinking, showing how desperate I was. It showed how much I loved him.
"Weíve gone through so much... and youíre just willing to give it all up?" This was my last resort. My last reason to make him stay.
"If you love me, stay."
The dead silence killed me. That was his answer.
I got up, moving quickly off the bed, getting away from him and he made no move to restrain me. I had to get out of here. I couldnít stand to be near him right now because every second I stayed close to him, painfully killed me inside. In a desperate rush, I gathered my clothes and dressed as I headed out.
I didnít want to be here when he packed and left the place. I didnít want to hear his good-bye or anything else because it would only make me feel worse if that were possible.
Before I left the place, I turned around for one last look and met with his sad Prussian eyes. Half of me couldnít believe that this was truly happening and the other half had already gone and died. One half looked at him desperately, wanting him to apologize and beg me to stay. I wanted him to rush over and hold me, begging me to forgive him for even thinking of leaving. The other half was filled with anger and disappointment. Why did it have to be this way? I flung the door open and ran off.