Love Me Still
Stumbling blindly, unfeelingly, and hopelessly, I made my way to Wufeiís apartment, my last resort. I really didnít want to bother him with more of my sorry life. I had already depended on him enough now and it wasnít fair that I asked for more, but I had no one else.
"Duo?" He was still wearing his pajama pants when he answered the door. Was it still early in the morning? It felt like time stood still when I died. Time isnít any matter for the dead. My insides felt so hollow; my spirit had left and only a miserable corpse remained. My body automatically flung itself into Wufeiís bare chest as I clung onto him for any kind of condolence.
God, I was so confused. Why me? What had I done wrong? I ALWAYS get the bad end of every stick and it was so unfair! I shook in his arms with my small sobs.
"Cry, Duo." He urged. Arms wrapped around and held me when he saw me struggling to stop this ridiculous, pitiful crying. "Itíll make you feel better. Go ahead and cry." But it didnít. It didnít help much. It hurt even more.
In the back of my mind, I could feel Wufeiís soft kisses on my temple, telling me that I was going to be all right. I shook my head miserably, but he didnít know what I meant. It wasnít. It wasnít going to be all right at all.
The strong smell of sizzling bacon woke me up. Feeling very much like road kill, it took me a long moment to realize that I was on an unfamiliar couch.
"Good morning, Duo." Wufei greeted from the kitchen as soon as he saw me poke my head up from the couch.
"Wufei?" I was still a little groggy and surprisingly lethargic.
"You just blacked out about half an hour ago. I was afraid youíd miss breakfast." I rubbed the sleeping-crust from my eyes.
"Half an hour?" I stretched and slumped back down on the soft cushions. "I still feel so tired though." Like I had been drugged.
From behind the kitchen counter, he looked at me considerately. "You werenít having the soundest sleep." He tilted his head and looked at me curiously. "Did you know that you can cry in your sleep?" Cry? Blinking once, I remembered why I was here in the first place. The heavy depressed feeling returned and let out an exhausted breath. "What happened?" Wufei finally asked, putting the bacon onto a plate next to his eggs to sit beside me.
"Heero left." I told him flatly. Hoping that my voice didnít betray any of the pain that was bottling inside.
"Oh... " what, no surprise, shock or anger? Just "oh"?
"Heero left me to go be with Relena." I added. Staring at me, he smiled sympathetically.
"And how are you taking it?"
"Well, considering that I ran to your place nearly crying my eyes out and passed out in front of you. I think Iím handling it pretty well." Wufei frowned crossly when I answered sarcastically.
"I see... . And you came here-"
"Because it was the only place I have left to go to." I answered flatly. "Iím sorry. I didnít want to sit there and watch Heero pack his things and leave my life forever... I couldnít sit there and watch, as he walked out on me ... Oh God... I donít think I feel very well." It was sort of like having a hang over, but without the alcohol.
But Wufeiís just leaned down and kissed my forehead, surprising the hell out of me. I never knew him to be this forward or affectionate. "Iíve always wanted to do that." He smiled with his chocolate eyes. "You never have to apologize, Duo. Youíre always welcome here. Stay as long as you like. Iíll be here for you." I wiped my swollen, puffy, wet eyes and managed to smile. "Now, you want some breakfast? Itíll get cold if we wait any longer."
I came back home with Wufei in tow. I didnít want to go back feeling defenseless. But when I opened the door and stepped in, the place was empty-lonely. Heero had already bagged his belongings and left.
I treaded slowly into the bedroom, gripping strongly onto Wufeiís arm for support. Most of Heeroís clothing was gone from the closet. The bed, though, was still unmade. And if it werenít for Wufei holding onto me, I might have thrown myself onto the bed to seek any warmth that was probably gone by now. I wanted to bury my face into his pillow. I wanted the last remaining reminder, no matter how painful it would make me.
He actually did it. He left.
I didnít know I was standing there, trembling and shocked, until Wufei asked if I was all right. I shook my head slowly. "No," I chocked. "Iím not all right." Looking around the empty room, I felt a tremor run within and I knew my face was contorted with pain and anguish.
"Duo, you donít deserve this." Wufei told me softly, a hand on the middle of my back in a gentle gesture. "Heero made a mistake of leaving you." With Wufei, it was easier to calm myself and I had already cried so much before. I think I ran out of tears and sad emotions. They were draining very quickly. "You deserve a lot better than Heero. A lot better than this." He stated, nodding his head vaguely to the abandoned room. That may be... but I still wanted Heero.
I started when I felt a kiss flutter on my cheek. "Be strong, Duo." He urged when he sensed me breaking inside.
"I-." My voice was shaky, "Iím trying." His hand ran warmly up and down my arm and I found it surprisingly comforting. This was all too much to swallow all at once.
As I was having trouble accepting my future, Wufei said something that made sensible shock. "Now is not the time to be sad, Duo." Then what time was it? He moved in front of me, blocking the room from my view. Taking my chin between his fingers, I was forced to look into his serious eyes as he spoke. "Itís just not right for you to be sad like this." Seeing my cloudy, confused expression, his face came closer until our noses almost touched. It made me gasp and hold my breath.
"You should be angry." He let the silence linger purposely so I could think about it. "Hate him."
WHAT? "Duo," He comforted, "you donít deserve any of this. Youíre kind. Youíre friendly. How could people not love you? How could ANYONE want to leave you? Yuy was a fool. How dare he do this to you after all youíve given him? What right does he have to use you like this?"
... Oh... that made sense. This heated feeling coated my skin when I began to realize Wufeiís twisted reasoning.
Heero had used me, dammit!
He had used me for his own convenience and left me when he felt like it, like I wasnít anything but his whore to play with until he was bored.
No, wait! I shook my head to clear the perverse thoughts. It wasnít like that! It wasnít just sex! I refuse to think that all we had was just mere sex. We had something damn it! I loved him!
... . But he left me anyway.
At first, I was just too dazed and stunned to comprehend anything anyone was saying; to shocked to understand the importance of Heeroís departure. It just suddenly sank into me at that moment. At first, I couldnít understand what was happening to me, didnít understand why. I had kept on asking questions. Why did it happen to me? What had I done to deserve this? But now it didnít matter what, how or why. All that mattered was that I lost EVERYTHING. Shock was gone and I realized how much I had lost in just a short moment. I lost a chance for happiness, love, and life.
My legs felt weak, as all my strength was suddenly gone. I felt Wufei try and pull me up but I was just a boneless sack, falling again and again after his attempts to hold me up. I was losing it; my mind couldnít control my body anymore. All it could think of was how I had lost so much. How I had nothing in this world left to keep me alive.
"Duo." Wufeiís voice was muffled like he was yelling at me through a wall. "Damn it, Duo! Get a hold of yourself!" I was stunned and my mouth hung open when I felt the impact of his hand against my cheek. It didnít hurt at first, but the slow, hot burn later snapped me back, clearing my senses and making my eyes water with the sting.
"God, Iím sorry, Duo." Wufei apologized, horrified at his own actions, soft hands cupping my face to see if he had done any damage. "I didnít mean to do it! You were losing it and I just... "
"Iím okay. Thanks, I needed that." I murmured softly, still shaken. He seemed grateful when I assured and forgave him, his expression even softened and seemed affectionate.
"Itís not right," I heard Wufei mutter to himself more or less, wiping my tears away. "For him to hurt someone like you this much."
My face still in his hands, he leaned over a bit and kissed my smarting cheek softly. What was he doing? Why was he helping/supporting me so much? His lips lingering on my cheek, he kept an eye on me. "How could he leave someone as beautiful as this?" He said it under his breath and I wasnít sure if I was supposed to hear it or not. I looked up at him in surprise anyway. "What, Duo? You DO know youíre very attractive, donít you? Only a blind man would not be able to tell." He retorted at my look.
When he straightened to stare at me straight in the eyes, I flushed furiously. What... ? Uh... not used to this plain form of flattery from Wufei of all people, I tried to look somewhere else beside him.
He was distracting me too much and I couldnít think as clear as Iíd like to. First Iím sad, then Iím mad, then Iím sad again, now Iím shocked and confused. He was sending me so many different emotions and reactions that I felt like I was being shot at in all directions, confused beyond belief.
"You shouldnít be sad. Be angry." He insisted again. Being angry was much more healthy than sad. Being sad could lead to bad things, depression and suicide among the list. "If he was foolish enough to leave you, then forget him. He never deserved you in the first place. Why should YOU be the one on your knees begging for him to come back?"
I was beginning to believe Wufei. I think he was right. After all, I had given Heero so much more than he deserved. I had taken care of his wounds, saved him from his nightmares; I gave him everything he wanted. I changed myself to make him happy, I warmed his bed, I gave him my body when he wanted it, I comforted him when he thought everything was lost, and THIS is how Iím repaid?
I was still thinking over the reasons so I didnít react when I felt Wufeiís cool lips on mine. He kissed me feverishly, harshly for a moment, and even though I didnít push him away, I didnít participate either. He drew away with a dreamy look on his face and ran a thumb over my lips.
"Iíve always wanted to do that too." Besides being absolutely shocked, his straightforward flattery made me... Well, Iím not sure, but it was certainly unexpected; maybe because I hadnít been subjected to anything like this in a long time, but it also gave me a whole lot more self-confidence. It fueled my anger even more. How dare Heero leave me when others wanted me? Who did he think he was?!
Wufei looked at me questioningly when he saw my frown. Why are you helping me so much, Wufei? Really, youíre such a good friend.
"I... you know I like you. Ever since the wars." He answered surprised me and made me realize I had spoken out loud. No, I didnít know that. I must have been a blind, stupid fool. "I backed off since you were with Yuy. I like you enough to help you because I care." Embarrassed at his confession, a blush rosined his tan cheeks and I had a flitting thought that it was a really good look on him.
"Duo... " he blushed deeper. In my entire time knowing him, Iíve never seen him blush this much! "Will you let me help you?" Staring at his earnest face, I thought about it for a moment. This whole situation seemed so surreal. It felt like he was proposing to me or something. But, if he wanted to help, why should I refuse? Besides, I had a feeling that I was going to need all the help heíd offer. I knew I wasnít emotionally stable. I needed his help.
"Yea. Iíd like that. Thanks." I think I like it when he smiles like that.
"Duo?" He asked again.
"Could I... Kiss you again?" I stared into his dark eyes or a moment, considering the options. There was no harm in it. Besides, the first one had been slightly pleasant despite my numbness. I didnít really mind. Really. Besides... to hell with you, Heero.
"Yea, go ahead." I closed my eyes and waiting for Wufeiís kiss. If Heero didnít want me, others still did. Iíd move on and show Heero that he hadnít beat me just yet.
Note: Yea, I know, everything sounds REALLY awkward doesn't it? Wufei, I tried to make him normal, but I think he came out psychotic or totally OOC. Gomen, Iím really bad at writing Wufei stuff.