Love Me Still
I tried. God knows Iíve tried. I tried to move on. You didnít expect me to
mope for the rest of my life did you? Despite my attempts to move forward,
I always seemed to be at a standstill. I went out with a stranger almost
every other night. I occupied myself with work and used other people as
distractions. When it got too quiet, too lonely, Iíd have to creep over to
Wufeiís place. I needed company; I thirsted for touch, contact, just
I know Iím teasing Wufei a lot. Iím asking a lot from him and I DO feel
guilty but I canít help it. I feel an attraction to him, just not strong
enough to ďgo all the wayĒ. We went as far as tongue and heavy petting, but
Iíd feel so overwhelmed that Iíd have to back out. I was using him. I
smiled at him in that seductive manner that made him forget what he was
saying for a moment. I was using him with every extra sway of my hips when
I knew I already had his attention. I couldnít possibly love him, but he
was a nice distraction, a good substitute, and someone who cared about me.
I needed that. I craved the feeling of someone caring for me. I needed
reassurance that I wasnít alone; that I wasnít abandoned. Maybe I had
developed a phobia of feeling unwanted. I NEEDED to feel desired. I wanted
people to lust and desire over me to reassure myself. Sometimes when I
think about it, it seems to screwed up. It probably is, but it sounds
sanely appropriate for me.
Iím seducing everyone, not just Wufei. I go out with other people -mostly
girls, sometimes guys. I always get myself stupidly drunk so I wouldnít
have to think about Heero. In my drunken hazes, Iíd usually sleep with my
dates, but it was just sex, a momentary release from reality. When reality
came, it came back with a vengeance. Feeling immense guilt for some reason,
I couldnít look at the bed for days and slept on the couch outside. I was
guilty because I was just fucking people on that bed to forget about the
times Heero and I had made love on that very same spot. It never worked
though; Iíd only wake up the next day with a hang over and revulsion for
Sometimes just thinking about it makes me rush to the bathroom sick to my
stomach. Thatís how disgusted I felt about the whole situation and myself
But, the cycle would start again soon and I was running out of people; Iíve
almost gone out with everyone in my office. They probably talk behind my
back and call me a slut and all, but Iíve never got any complaints before
and I damn well bet they wouldnít turn down my offer if I asked again. Iím
good and worth it; I know it. And they call ME a slut. Ch. Itís like a
messed up parody of Jerry Springer, though, I donít know how you can be more
messed up than that.
I wanted to move on, but three months laterÖ Months! Despite all my
running, I was still in the same spot. I couldnít forget him. I compared
everyone to him. I had handicaps because of him. Everything reminded me of
him. How can he have such an effect on me this powerful? I donít
understand! I was supposed to hate him! I was supposed to go on with my
ďWufei!Ē I gasped his name as his lips sucked on a sensitive spot on my
neck, ready to leave a hickey there for tomorrow. He was grinding his hips
against mine, but as great as it felt, I put my hands on his chest, pushing
him off me. ďWufei, stop.Ē
He paused for a moment, and then with a heavy sigh, backed off, away from
me. ďYou always do this to me. Youíre driving me crazy.Ē He complained
sourly, smoothing down his ruffled hair. I looked down, saw his erection
through his pants, and tactfully looked somewhere else, blushing crimson.
ďIím sorry. You know I donít do it on purpose.Ē It felt like a lie. I
didnít know. Perhaps I was seducing him purposely, the way I had been
looking at him across the dinner table, playing with the cream from my
dessert. Iíd gone out on lots of dates lately. The flirtatious habits must
have blended into my normal ones. Wufei is not one of those people I
intentionally seduce. I may be dirty and defiled, but I wouldnít try to
seduce my friends. There are lines that I try not to cross.
He stood up, pulling a shirt on. ďYes, I know. I understand.Ē He was such
a wonderful person, sometimes I wonder if I deserved a friend like him.
ďJust stop being such a tease, Duo. I donít know how much longer I can
last.Ē I smiled guiltily when he leaned down to quickly kiss my cheek to
show that he held no ill will. ďI have to go now. I have an meeting early
in the morning.Ē Nodding, I walked him to the front door and kissed him
good-bye before shutting it after he left.
Itís kind of weird- our relationship. Itís not exactly platonic. I know
heís interested in me and I suppose I have a little interest in him also.
But weíre kind of Ö I donít knowÖ friends with benefits. Weíre substitutes
for each other when we miss a warm body to touch. He sees other people too,
or I think he does. Donít get me wrong. Weíre not just going to parties all
over the place and fucking every person that walks by. I do get ďsomeĒ;
quite a lot actually but I do use protection so I donít make stupid mistakes
like Heero. But I canít just have sex all the damn time. Wufei and I,
weíre back ups for each other when we need a warm body to hug. I mean, I
KNOW I donít love him. I could try to like him if I wanted to. But
sometimes when you just feel like you just need a shoulder or a hug, thatís
Wufei to me.
Heís a really nice guy. Sometimes I wonder why I didnít just go out with
him like he wanted to. The problem is that I canít get past 3rd base. I
didnít really want to. I was still so hung up on Heero that I didnít really
want to go into another complicated relationship. A quick fuck and flight
was good enough for me for the time being, even if it left me depressingly
empty sometimes. Thatís what held me from screwing with Wufei. Heíd too
good of a friend to ruin over lust or anything. Besides, I couldnít imagine
doing it with him. Iíve known him since the war and heís just so different
now, so aggressive. Iíve never really thought about having a relationship
with Wufei, you know? I had always gotten the impression that he was as
straight as the straightest can get. Itís kind ofÖ weird.
No, weird wasnít the word for it. That was too mild. It was so much more
than weird. Inside, I knew Wufei was interested in being more than friends.
I had gotten that message clearly when he kissed me that first time after
Heero had left. But, I didnít want to get romantically involved so soon, so
I pretended to be innocently unknowing and stayed happy being his ďspecialĒ
ÖGod. Iím totally using him arenít I? Iím playing with his emotions and
leading him on.
Sighing, I headed towards the bathroom thinking about my pitiful life. As I
waited for the shower water to warm, I sat on the toilet unbraiding my hair.
I should have gotten over Heero by now. After all, heís made it quite
clear that he didnít want me.
Jesus Christ! Why couldnít I just forget and move on?! My mindÖ and my
heart was ignoring my specific order.
I crept into the shower when the steam started to fog the room. OhÖ the
waterís nice and warm. Iíve always liked my water much hotter than normal
people. Relaxing under the shower, I let the water soak in my loose hair.
Iím not sad anymore; at least I donít think so. I can think about him
without bursting into tears, but I still have a little bitterness at the
bottom of my cup. I was angry and disappointed in him. I was angry that he
put me in such a helpless situation and I was disappointed that he CHOSE to
leave me. That really kills me. I still hold a lot of resentment to him
because of that.
Feeling all my muscle relax and all the tension seep away under the water, I
I think it might have helped more if I had talked to Quatre. Heís one of my
best friends too. But, honestly, I couldnít face him like this. I didnít
want to see me like an emotional, needy, desperate person. Hell, I was
embarrassed at being dumped in such a manner for Heero to go to RELENA of
all people. I didnít want to talk to anyone. I didnít want them to think
that I was some total pathetic loser or something. Quatre would probably do
that. I know he doesnít mean to do it. But that guyís always tries to
sympathize with everyone. I donít want their pity. I mean, itís not like
Iím severely depressed or anything, right? I havenít tried to commit
suicide or anything. I DO have Wufei here to help me. He wants to help me.
I can do this without involving more people, Iím sure. I didnít need to
be a burden to anyone else.
ďDuo-Love, nice to see you here.Ē Wufei greeted as he came into his small
home and saw me sitting on his couch watching TV. He gave me a copy of his
key so I could come over if I needed anything. I came over often because I
wasnít in the mood to sit in my lonely apartment. What can I say? Iím a
social butterfly. He never seems to mind when I come randomly though.
I tilted my head slightly to let him quickly kiss my cheek but kept my eyes
on the screen. They had interrupted my favorite game show to have an
important news report. Kneeling down so his arms could wrap around my
shoulders and dangle his hands in front of my chest, Wufei rested his chin
on my shoulder to look over me and watch the TV as well.
Relena was standing there, surrounded by dozens of reporters, too many
microphones around her, and so many flash bulbs that I wondered why she
hadnít gone blind yet. I had a dreadful feeling because she had the widest,
happiest smile on any person Iíve ever seen. When the camera zoomed out, my
heart sank as I saw Heero standing beside her on the podium. After all this
time, my heart still aches when I see him, debonair as always. I had this
ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach, heavy like I was trying to digest
ďIt is an extreme pleasure to introduce to all of you,Ē She began speaking
and my heart was hammering, ďYou know him as the pilot of Gundam Wing, but
he is now my fiancť, Heero Yuy. We have just recently become engaged.Ē She
was saying a lot more, but my ears had become deaf to everything now.
Engaged? So, heís finally admitted his love for her. Heís finally proposed
I watched numbly as Heero smiled slightly toward Relena and moved a hand to
hold hers when she reached out for it. I had tried so hard to finally get
him to relax around my touch. At first, the damn bastard hadnít even wanted
to be seen holding my hand in public. It took me months to get him to
finally accept me. And here he was, just doing everything I had wanted, but
to someone else, showing the entire goddamn world. And before I knew it,
jealously flared up like a fire reaching gasoline.
Sickened by the image of the two lovebirds, I changed the channel. But,
every single damn channel was broadcasting this, so I was taunted by the
image of their hands clasped together tightly as she answered reporterís
questions. It sickened me to see that her belly had grown so much. She had
his child and it was so obvious now, or maybe it was just obvious to me. I
changed channels desperately and stifled on a sob when it didnít prevail.
God, my entire chest was hurting. A familiar feeling burned in my lungs and
I was hurting so much. Reality has to hurt so badly.
Flipping through the channels without any prevail, finally frustrated beyond
anything I could bear, my last resort was just to throw the goddamn remote
at the TV to destroy the picture. A hand reached up and took the remote
from me and Wufei swiftly clicked the TV power off.
Oh yeah. That was another option. Sorry Wufei, I just canít think straight
right now. I was so buried in my crazy emotions that I had forgotten where
I was and all reason wholly.
I stood up quickly, tearing myself away from Wufei. ďGo.Ē He suggested
understandably. ďGive yourself some time to calm down and think. Call me
if you need something.Ē I nodded, almost wanting to kiss him for being so
supportive, but instead, I left the place storming back to mine.
I stared at the ceiling, biting the inside of my cheek and mulling over
It was one of those scenes, you know, where the man sprawls out on the bed,
staring at the ceiling fan, oblivious to his burning cigarette and letting
the smoke billow up lazily. Mellow music playing in the background and itís
almost too dark to see anything but his silhouette. Itís one of those
depressing scenes in the movies. Too bad I donít smoke and I didnít have a
ceiling fan, otherwise it would have been perfect. ChÖ
Quatre, hell, even Trowa called. I didnít want to answer the phone so I
just left the answering machine do its job. I didnít want to answer their
Iím betting that they all saw that universe-wide broadcast. They were
probably calling to ask what happened between Heero and I. Neither of us
told them anything about our break up, Iím guessing they were surprised to
see Heero suddenly by Relenaís side. They were probably calling to ask what
happened and if I was feeling ok. Of course, I didnít call them back. Of
course Iím not okÖ
I didnít want to tell them what split us up. It was just ridiculous and
awkward, embarrassing, and upsetting. And then Iíd lie and tell them I was
really ok, when in fact, I was alone in my dark bedroom with nothing but my
inner demons and my thoughts heading toward the wrong directions.
It hit me. I was pissed, royally pissed that Heero had left me for that
woman. What did she have that I didnít? Not speaking anatomically of
course, but was it money? A child? Royalty? Popularity? He sure didnít
look like he had been forced into the engagement. In fact, he didnít look
like he minded it at all!
So what about me? He had ditched me and in the most embarrassing situation.
I feel it now: Humiliation. I could imagine my co-workers patting my
back and saying sympathetic words and then whispering and snickering to each
other about how I had gotten gypped. I was humiliated for making myself
look like a total fool, wasting my time on Heero when everyone else probably
knew that he loved someone else. I had been used like a helpless person.
That shamed me.
How could I, self-proclaimed Shinigami, pilot of the best and favorite
Gundam of all, Deathcythe, thief and marksman extraordinaire, be fooled and
used so pathetically like this? How did he turn me into this stupid,
unreasonable, gullible FOOL!? THAT pissed me off. And I blame Heero for
all of this. My suffering was his fault. If only the damned son of a bitch
had just stopped everything instead of leading me on for so long, none of
this would have happened. I frowned until it almost hurt. I hate being
humiliated. I hate being used. I HATE it with a passion and Iím not going
to sit and cry over it anymore. Iím not going to be sad about this anymore,
Iím not even sure I want him anymore.
But Iím going to get some payback. Iíll be waiting until the right time.
You wonít even know what hit you. And youíre going to be so sorry youíve
done this to me. No one does this to me, Shinigami, Duo Maxwell, without
paying a price.
Note: I know, Wufei is TOTALLY out of Character. I'm really sorry for
that, but it was either him, or to create a new character and I hate doing
that. I try and avoid fake characters as much as possible.
Aa, I was listening to Wheezerís ďOnly in DreamsĒ song while writing this.
Tis a nice song ^_^ very mellow.
Anyhow, hold on, donít kill me yet. Things are going to take a big turn in
the next chapterÖ. Kinda. At least you wonít be hearing Duoís depressing
stuff anymore O_o