Love Me Still
He wouldn't even look at me. While the two of us stood with the rest of the pilots at the wedding, Duo acted as though I didn't even exist. Even though he stood just a hairsbreadth away, he wouldn't touch me, say anything to me, or even spare a glance at me. I wanted to be anywhere but here at the moment. In the morning, when I woke up, I hadn't even remembered falling asleep. At first, I felt so horrible inside, like I was oozing with some apathetic emotion, I wasn't bawling my eyes out. I wasn't suicidal, but I wasn't thrilled either. Duo makes me feel things I had never experienced before, things I didn't know I was capable of feeling, especially despair.
I wanted to just disappear and wallow in my misery. I wanted to shake him; make him see me. I wanted to say something, ANYTHING to get his attention, but… what good would it do? He had already shown his anger and hatred towards me. I didn't need to see more of his wrath to understand how much he hated me.
Whatever he was trying to achieve, he did it. I was devastated, shocked now. I thought maybe he had forgiven me, but he hadn't. Instead, he hated me with a vengeance. With those scornful, hateful words, he killed me. When he hissed those words, I finally realized what an impact my folly actions had done to him. There, I realized that he was never going to be mine again. Even though I should have been expected it, I couldn't believe he did this to me. I was so stupid to actually think he'd want me again after what I'd done to him. But I wanted him so much still. I wanted him with every part of my being that it hurt more than any bullet I've taken. What hurt worse, was that, even though I wanted him, he'd made it clear enough that I'd never have him again and he'd never want me either. That honestly made me want to cry, as uncharacteristic of me as it was. Cry on and on until my lungs collapsed under the constant pressure. That's how much it hurt.
I tried to congratulate my friends, but I couldn't smile, not when Duo was doing his best to flirt with Wufei and driving me absolutely mad. Wufei's hands were casually brushing a soft cheek or playing with Duo's long bangs and Duo joined along, smiling and leaning over to rest his head on the Chinese man's shoulder playfully.
"Heero, Are you listening?" Quatre asked when he noticed me spacing out, glaring as if I could burn holes with my stare. I blinked at him and looked guilty, shaking my head slightly. I didn't even have a clue what they were talking about. I was too busy scowling when Duo held a grape in his mouth and taunted his partner to go after it…Wufei did and it nearly made me sick to watch the indiscreet show of lust. God, he was acting as if he hadn't spent last night fucking me 'til I had nearly passed out. But even when my blood boiled with fury and irritation, I felt like I was going to burst any minute now.
Me, the deemed perfect soldier, get so emotional over this. What has he done to me? How could Duo make me this weak? I can't believe it. Actually, I can't believe anything right now. It all seems like such a perfect nightmare. Nothing this bad could have truly happened in real life.
As I frowned, my lips tightened to form a thin line. Everyone was beginning to gather on the dance floor after the wedding reception and I frowned when Duo dragged Wufei onto the dance floor, hand in hand for a slow dance. At least they weren't dancing like they were last night. That was the last thing I needed to see.
"You don't look like you're enjoying the festivities very much." Trowa commented. I put in effort to smile to my friend, not wanting to spoil the mood of his special wedding day.
"Gomen, I was just lost in thought." He cocked his brown head, looking at me inquisitively.
"Heero," Guiltily, I averted his gaze by staring down at my shoes. "I thought we had a talk about this."
"We did, but it's hard to just let go."
"You're not trying hard enough then. Look at him." I did. I saw Duo laugh and dance playfully with his Chinese partner. "He's doing fine."
…He looks… happy.
"You, on the other hand, need to worry about the more important things. What about your own fiancée?" my breath held for a brief second as I remembered how I had cheated on Relena as well….. oh god I was utterly despicable wasn't I? "Now that you're engaged, you shouldn't do this to yourself or Duo. It'll turn out like a messed up episode of a soap opera, you know, love triangles and love affairs."
I winced but Trowa didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he did and he was just being considerate enough to pretend he hadn't. He was right. I should try to focus on the more important issues. I should think about being a father and a husband figure. I nodded slowly, telling me tall friend that I understood the priorities, the promises and obligations I had. It didn't help lessen the pain, but at least I would be getting somewhere.
I sat there at the table, picking at my food before Relena finally spoke up, "How was the wedding?"
"It was fine." Pushing the carrots and peas around toward their respective corners on my plate, I could nearly feel Relena's hard gaze upon me. In the tense silence, her fork made a loud, harsh, "clang" sound when she put it down and folded her hands onto her lap.
"Ne, Heero... While you were at the wedding, I was doing some thinking." Waiting until she had my undivided attention, she continued, "When will we have ours?" I felt my back go rigid as I sat straight as a board on the hard, dining chair. "Time isn't slowing down and this baby isn't going to delay." I, as well as everyone else, could now see the noticeable growth in her. "We're engaged, but you've never actually said a single word about our wedding. Is something wrong?" Everything's wrong, Relena.
"I mean, I know something's wrong. I know this isn't the greatest way to have a relationship, but you know I'll try to be a good wife for you. You know that I'd give my all for this, don't you?" I didn't reply, but clenched my jaw. "I'll try my best to keep you happy. Why don't you want happiness, Heero?" I couldn't even think of happiness without having Duo in it.
"You could have anything you want. I could buy you anything. I'm going to give you a child!" I didn't ask for one... "A child, the most precious, sacred thing a person could have! Life, Heero." I wasn't in a talkative mood, I never am, but now, I didn't even want to make a single sound. "For God's sake, Heero. Don't you know how much it hurts when you act like you don't even care about me?" Her regal voice wavered and she frowned into the hands on her lap. That made me look up and face her.
I knew exactly how it felt to have someone you love, not care. "I love you, isn't that enough to have at least a bit of your sympathy and care?" She loved me. It was such a simple phrase with so much meaning. After all that Duo had done and said to me and after all the things I had done to everyone, even Relena, I had thought I was a complete bastard, completely unlovable. I had thought that he had sentenced me a life to loneliness, but here was Relena, offering her love to me. SHE loved me when no one else did.
"What day would you like to have our wedding on?" I finally asked, my voice sounding strange to myself. She looked at me with wide, surprised, but incredibly pleased eyes.
Hopelessly sighing, I slouched unusually in my chair, in my study room... Why the hell did I even have a study room? It's not like I had any business to do inside. The only time I actually used the room was when I wanted to be alone for a while to do some thinking. I tapped the table with an impatient finger, bored out of my wits. Yes, me bored. Engaged to the filthy-rich Queen of the world, I didn't really have to work for money and she insisted that I didn't. I couldn't be some kind of chairman or general because I lacked the social skills and that prevented me from taking any leader position. Relena refused to let me do some mediocre job. As fiancé to one of the most famous and wealthy people in the universe, I couldn't degrade and embarrass her or myself in any lowly job.
So I was stuck doing nothing but wasting my time playing Minesweeper; my current goal was to beat expert mode in less than 50 seconds. I was THAT bored. I didn't have to cook, clean, or even bathe myself. Relena had maids and servants do that for me. Of course, I shooed them away, preferring to bath and dress myself. I'm not incompetent or lazy enough to depend on a servant. Some people sigh and wish for this kind of "relaxing" lifestyle, but I hated it. I've never felt so incredibly useless. Here I am, a former Gundam Pilot, master of the Zero system, turning into something with the usefulness of a paperweight. I absolutely hate this.
We've been planning the wedding. She hired chefs, decorators, stylists, top fashion designers; anyone who had anything to do with everything. Every so often, she'd ask me questions about every little detail. Pink or white? Seafood or Chicken? Modern or 18th Century? And to most, I'd answer with a non-committal shrug or grunt. I didn't have a single opinion in these matters. I just wanted to get this over with.
She was talking to a wedding dress designer, making me leave the room, giddy that the dress was a surprise for me.
It made me sit here and mope about what other life I could have had. I could have been happy living in a small apartment as long as Duo was with me. I didn't need these luxuries to be happy. I know I told Trowa I'd try to make things work out between Relena and I, but everything between us clashed. Our social status, our attitudes, beliefs, values. I'm glad someone in this universe actually cares this much for me…. Just not the person I wanted. I rested my head in a hand. How on earth could she even have fallen in love with me? What does she see in me? She's not a teenager anymore! It drives me mad wondering why she continued to follow and pursue me until this big mess happened. She can't be blind; she had to have seen that we'd never be a good match.
Argh, forget this. I don't want to think about it anymore. It's too late to back out now anyhow. I'm just going to sit here and try to break my minesweeper record.