Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 7 - The Trials and Tribulations of Heero Yuy
by Muffie
Excerpted from Mission Log
Day: 7
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Plan: At 0800, one hour after intended departure time of knight (see Sir Bonneville notes, Day 6), leave the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours.
Analysis: Knight did not leave until 1100 hours. Departure time was delayed due to necessity of creating a travois with which to return the invalid knight to point of origin. Knight claims injuries were sustained when a portion of the battlements crumbled and he fell to the bailey below. There is no evidence to corroborate this claim. Due to excessive swelling in the gluteal area, knight attempted to recline on the travois on his front. As this would expose the knight's butt to the not-princess, this was unacceptable (see Report: Cute Butt under separate cover). A single threat was sufficient to have knight accept transport out of the area on his back. There was a brief confrontation with the knight to reclaim my property. The knight insisted that my shirt was a token of the not-princess's favor and refused to return it. Winner found this logic funny and could not be roused from his fit of laughter until Barton poured water on his face. The knight parted with my shirt immediately after without issue.
Departure with the not-princess was delayed until 1430 hours as the not-princess claimed to be ill. The not-princess was later discovered in the kitchen after consuming an unverifiable amount of various sweets. Chang offered the use of sedatives at this time. The offer was not accepted. This might have been a tactical error, further review is required. Barton attempted to further delay departure at this time by claiming that the horse required maintenance. He was reluctant to explain the details of the required maintenance. Investigation into the matter revealed that the horse was in proper working condition. The problem was that someone had added additional graffiti to the horse's exterior some time in the past 48 hours and Barton wanted to attempt to remove it. Evidence points to the not-princess (Report: Graffiti follows).
At departure, the not-princess mounted the horse behind me. Chang indicated a great deal of astonishment and advised me that the not-princess could not be trusted. Past behavior on the part of the not-princess corroborates Chang's claim. The not-princess was docile and pleasant until approximately 1845 hours when he demanded a "potty break". After ascertaining that he required the use of a field latrine, I permitted a 15 minute break for latrine and food. The not-princess disappeared to the local brush where he remained for 3 minutes before calling for help. I secured the horse to a branch and investigated the disturbance with the right .50AE in hand. At this juncture, events became unclear. The not-princess was screaming something about a snake. When I went to investigate, I found myself yanked into the air by means of a snare. The not-princess stated that he hoped I would not hold a grudge and then abandoned me to dangle from a tree by my left ankle. It required 2 minutes 12 seconds to free myself from the trap without sustaining injury. I found myself grudgingly admiring the not-princess's ingenuity with rope. Upon returning to the branch where I had secured the horse, I discovered that the not-princess had procured it and was no longer in the vicinity.
Chang was waiting when I returned to the castle at 0158. The not-princess had returned shortly after sunset on the horse and had since retired to his quarters.
Report Graffiti: In addition to the pink hearts that are still visible on the horse's exterior, the not-princess painted symbols that appear to be miniature scythes attacking various hearts, what appears to be blood coming from described attacks on the hearts, and several statements as follows: "Shinigami was here", "My other gundam is a rusted nag, too", "Don't stand behind me, shit happens frequently", "I may be slow, but I can kick your ass", "Dial 911, make a cop come", and "Shinigami Roolz". Chang and Winner both state the "Shinigami" is an alias that the not-princess assumes from time to time when feeling particularly violent. The Webster's Unabridged Dictionary provided by Chang has no listing for the term "Roolz". Winner states that it is a colloquialism for the word "rules". Further investigation into the matter is unnecessary to complete the mission.
Day: 8
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Injury Report Follows
Plan: At 0700 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: Departure was initially delayed until 1100 hours as the not-princess could not be roused and had chained himself to his bed. Efforts to remove the chains were ineffectual until the not-princess was forced to produce a key. Note: the not-princess is highly susceptible to bribery via food, particularly withholding desired sweets. Chang offered the use of sedatives at this time; the offer was not accepted. This may have been a tactical error, further review is required.
The not-princess appeared in the bailey at 1100 hours, dressed and prepared to leave. He did not attempt to avoid departure, as was expected. Chang found this behavior suspicious and I was in agreement. The not-princess refused to mount the horse until he had given Barton and Winner "goodbye hugs" as he claimed he would "really miss his buddies". While not inclined to grant any request made by the not-princess, I could find no adequate reason not to permit this. Once the "goodbye hugs" had been dispensed to the not-princess's satisfaction, he approached the horse to mount it behind me. The horse objected to the not-princess's presence violently. It refused to allow the not-princess close to it and panicked whenever he attempted to get near. The not-princesses expressed confusion over this sudden turn of events. Barton, a circus-performer experienced in dealing with animals, was likewise unable to get near the horse. The horse bucked and raced around the bailey in attempts to elude both the not-princess and Barton. It expressed similar dislike of Winner when its fits brought it near him. I was unable to remain on the horse and sustained injuries in the fall (see Injury Report). The horse is in proper working condition at this time. Departure is delayed indefinitely at this time.
2030 hours: An empty vial of wolf urine was discovered in the not-princess's quarters. The not-princess had apparently applied a great deal of this substance to his person and had transferred the scent to Barton via the "goodbye hug" in order to minimize his effectiveness in calming the horse. Winner's contamination was incidental. It is unclear where the not-princess acquired this substance and an extensive search of his belongings has turned up nothing that would further upset the horse. Barton was extremely angry with not-princess for this tactic and would have physically attacked the not-princess if I had not intervened. I sustained injury in the altercation (see Injury Report). The not-princess refused to bathe and it required myself, Chang, and Winner to do the task for him. Chang and I sustained injury during the bathing process (see Injury Report). It is uncertain how Winner avoided injury, further review is required. Barton was exempted from bathing duty as he was still angry from the not-princess's treatment of the horse and he could not be counted on to be helpful. Departure is rescheduled for 0700 tomorrow.
Note: This does not seem to help the Marry the Princess Mission.
Injury Report Chang: Right index finger: jammed when not-princess tripped him and knocked him to the floor. Left biceps: minor bruising from ducking a right hook from the not-princess. Left shoulder: bite, skin not broken, from the not-princess when Chang bodily held him down to have his hair washed. Right hip: minor bruising from collision with floor when knocked out of tub during hair washing episode. Chang is fit for full duty.
Injury Report Yuy: Injuries sustained during fall from horse: Right biceps: minor bruising. Right hip: minor bruising. Right calf: minor bruising and minor skin abrasion. Injury sustained during altercation with Barton: Bloody nose from the not-princess's elbow when he objected to my help. Injuries sustained during not-princess bathing: Left cheek: minor bruising, shallow cut from backhanded slap from the not-princess. Left shoulder: minor bruising from a kick from the not-princess. Left biceps: minor bruising from a second kick from the not-princess. Three ribs, cracked from repeated kicks from the not-princess during hair washing episode. Fit for full duty.
Day: 9
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Plan: At 0700 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: Departure delayed until morning as the not-princess was missing. A complete search of the castle and its grounds failed to produce the not-princess. Interrogation of Chang, Winner, and Barton was inconclusive, however all three were convinced that no other knights had snuck into the castle and rescued the not-princess. Chang was convinced that he was merely in hiding as he refuses to return to Peacemillion. Evidence appears to corroborate his conclusion. There were signs of the not-princess's presence in the form of leavings of various snacks that only the not-princess can stomach in several locations throughout the castle. After discussion, it was agreed that Chang, Barton, and I would alternate guard duty on the kitchen. Winner was not entrusted as his sympathies lie too strongly with the not-princess. The not-princess was recovered at 0210 hours by Chang while sneaking out of the kitchen with a concoction that included brownies, ice-cream, whipped topping, cookies, rainbow sprinkles, caramel topping, fudge sauce, and french fries.
Day: 10
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Injury Report Follows
Plan: At 0900 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: Chang produced the not-princess promptly at 0830 hours for departure. Despite his lack of sufficient sleep, he appeared to be in good spirits. I found myself uncomfortable with his level of happiness, but ignored this feeling as being unused to such antics from those around me. I will trust this feeling in the future. The not-princess was in constant motion, which was not unusual from previous observations of the not-princess's behavior, however it did appear to be more manic than is usual. The horse did not object to the not-princess's presence and permitted us to mount without issue.
We had traveled approximately 100 meters from the drawbridge when the not-princess began asking a single question, "Are we there yet?" As it was obvious that we were not, I did not answer. He repeated this question at a rate of 10 repetitions per 3 second interval until I answered in the negative. He was silent for approximately 10 minutes before he began asking that question again. He did not cease for 3 hours. The horse objected violently to my request for the not-princess to stop asking that question (see Injury Report). The not-princess sustained no injuries in the fall.
We had traveled approximately 30 seconds from the remounting point when the not-princess began to complain that he was hungry. He was given a protein bar to eat. The complaints increased in volume and continued for 30 minutes unabated. He was silent for 20 minutes for unknown reasons. I do not trust the not-princess when he is not talking. I do not know if he can plot and talk at the same time. Further observation is required. The not-princess was in constant motion from his arrival in the bailey. While the horse did not object for the first two hours of the journey, the not-princess's movements increased in volume after he stopped talking and the horse did not like it. At exactly 20 minutes from the cessation of complaints of his hunger, the not-princess began singing loudly. He altered the song 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall to 10,000 Cans of Dew on the Wall. He appeared determined to sing the song to the very end. The not-princess is unable to sing in higher pitched octaves. This inability did not stop him from attempting to do so. The horse objected violently to the singing at 9,997 Cans of Dew on the Wall (see Injury Report). The not-princess sustained no injuries in the fall.
We had not moved from the remounting point when the not-princess began to recite from Hamlet: Act 3 Scene 2. The not-princess has no flair for Shakespearean drama. This lack did not stop him from attempting to do so. The horse did not like the not-princess's version of Prince Hamlet. It violently objected when the not-princess leaped to his feet on its back and yelled "Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice and could of men distinguish, her election hath sealed thee for herself" (see Injury Report). The not-princess sustained no injuries in the fall.
The horse did not stop as it had the previous two times it had thrown us from its back. It ran toward the old castle with the saddlebags that contained our provisions and my spare sidearm. As there was sufficient game and water to be found between our location and Peacemillion, we would walk to the Sweeper Castle. The not-princess did not like this plan and voiced his objections loudly. He was not paying attention to the ground and tripped over a rock (see Injury Report). The not-princess behaved as if his ankle had been broken and requested a full splint. As he could not walk, I carried him back to the old castle. The alternative of carrying him to Peacemillion in this condition was not feasible as I would not be unable to find food or offer protection while carrying him.
We arrived at the castle 7 hours 34 minutes later. The not-princess did not stop speaking during the entire return trip. Chang and Winner were present to greet us at the drawbridge. At the castle, the not-princess pronounced his ankle healed and disappeared with Winner. Chang informed me that he had found 2 empty cases, or 48 - 12 ounce cans of Mountain Dew soda pop in the not-princess's quarters after we had left. He expressed surprise that I was as unharmed as I was considering the effect that large amounts of sugar and caffeine have on the not-princess's behavior. Chang reminded me that in order to rescue and marry the not-princess, I could not kill him.
Injury Report Yuy: Injuries sustained from first fall from horse: Left shoulder, bruising. Abdominals, minor bruising from the not-princess landing rump-first. He thought it was funny. Injuries sustained from second fall from horse: Right shoulder, bruised. Right knee, minor skin abrasions. Inner left thigh, near groin, bruising from the not-princess landing knee first. Injuries sustained from the third fall from horse: Left shoulder, minor skin abrasions. Left hip, minor bruising. Left Eye, swelling from the not-princess's elbow hitting as I caught him. He claims that it was an accident. I do not believe him. Fit for full duty.
Injury Report Not-Princess Duo: Ankle, invisible swelling. Fit for full duty.
Day: 11
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Plan: At 0700 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: Departure delayed until 0930 hours. The not-princess refused to cooperate. Rope and a gag were required to subdue the not-princess enough to get him mounted on the horse. Due to the limitations of binding the not-princess, he rode sideways in front of me. While this method of transport allowed closer surveillance of the not-princess in order to prepare for and circumvent any plans he might have in effect, it was uncomfortable and the position was not conducive to defense in the event of an ambush. The not-princess fell asleep immediately after departure. While this made for a peaceful transit, his hair went up my nose and he drooled on my chest. I removed the gag in order to prevent further drooling. It did not help.
The ride was uneventful until the not-princess woke up 3 hours and 27 minutes later. He does not sleep quietly. He does not wake up quietly. He demanded a "potty break" at this time and was granted 15 minutes to take care of his needs. He complained about doing so under guard. We remounted the horse as usual, with him behind, arms secured behind his back by rope. The gag was left off, but under the threat that it would be utilized if he abused the privilege. He did not speak again.
2 hours and 49 minutes later I discovered that he was missing. I backtracked to the remounting point and discovered the rope that had bound his hands together 15 feet from it. Footprints leading off toward the old castle suggested that it was his destination. Determining that an ambush tactic offered the best chance of success, I returned to the castle as quickly as possible while sparing the horse's physical condition for later use. I arrived at the drawbridge 1 hour and 24 minutes later. Winner, who was on sentry duty, assured me that the not-princess had not returned prior to my arrival. Chang arranged a watch schedule that excluded Winner who could not be trusted. Barton stated that there was no point to this exercise, but agreed to participate.
At 0023 hours I was standing guard at the portcullis when I overheard Winner laughing with someone in the kitchen. As it did not sound like Barton, I immediately went to investigate. The not-princess was recovered at 0024 hours in the kitchen. I am unsure how he entered the castle. Chang assures me that there are no other entrances but the front door and the not-princess held up remarkably well under intense interrogation. Departure is rescheduled for 0900 hours.
Day: 12
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Injury Report Follows
Plan: At 0900 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: Departure delayed until 1430 hours. The not-princess had locked himself in the south west turret. From his yelled threats and subsequent investigation of his claims, we verified that he had adequate food and soda pop to last him for several days as well as three weapons, knives, appropriated from Barton's quarters. Barton was upset by this and threatened to skin the not-princess alive if anything happened to those knives. Winner eventually coaxed Barton to their shared quarters where yelling and screaming was later heard. Chang assured me that Barton was not exactly skinning Winner alive. The not-princess claimed that Barton was playing a game he called "hide the salami" with Winner. This upset Chang who refused to explain.
The door could not be broken down as the not-princess had barricaded it. There were no accessible windows on the turret. The only option was to remove the door. We found a large bureau, two chairs, and a needlepoint depicting a knight battling a dragon to rescue a princess. The not-princess had defaced the needlepoint with permanent marker, giving the princess horns, a sword, and something that resembled a large cucumber. The knight was riddled with knives and wounds and "Heero Yuy" was written over his legs. Once we broke past the barrier it was difficult to subdue the not-princess. He was able to hold both Chang and myself off with a combination of skilled knife fighting techniques and street fighting for a lengthy period of time. (Note: find out where the not-princess learned hand-to-hand combat.) Once we disarmed the not-princess, I was able to pin him to the floor while Chang secured him with rope. It was necessary to gag the not-princess at this point. Chang and I both sustained injuries in the scuffle (see Injury Report). The not-princess somehow avoided injury; further review is required.
The not-princess was once again mounted on the horse in my lap in order to guard against his abilities to extricate himself from rope. Chang offered the use of sedatives at this time. The offer was not accepted. This might have been a tactical error, further review is required. The not-princess fell asleep within minutes of departure. He slept 5 hours and 38 minutes before waking. He attempted to communicate something that I was unable to understand through the gag. I removed the gag and he demanded a "potty break" or else he would "piss all over" my "fucking leg!" He was granted 15 minutes with which to take care of his business. Before untying his hands so that he could tend to himself, I took the precaution of tying a rope around his legs and another around his neck, which I held. After 18 minutes of debate, the not-princess convinced me that he would be unable to "potty" with an audience despite the prior threat to "piss all over" my "fucking leg!" Reluctantly, I allowed him to stand behind a tree. After 3 minutes, I tugged on the rope and demanded that he hurry up. There was no reply. This concerned me and I immediately went to investigate. I found the ropes that I held tied to a branch of the tree and the ropes that had bound the not-princess on the ground. I turned around immediately and found the horse gone, most likely with the not-princess on top of it.
I returned to the castle at 2145 hours to find the horse in its stall and the not-princess sleeping in his quarters.
Injury Report Chang: Left eye, bruising. Left forearm, bite. Left knuckles, bruising. Right knee, bruising. Right ankle, twisted. Requires 24 hours of elevation, reduced duties.
Injury Report Yuy: Right forearm, minor cut, no stitches. Right biceps, minor cut, no stitches. Right thigh, minor cut, no stitches. Lower lip, split. Left cheek, minor bruising. Left forearm, bite, bleeding. Recommend tetanus shot. Fit for full duty.
Day: 13
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Failed
Injury Report Follows
Plan: At 0900 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: At 0700 hours, Barton began preparing the not-princess's third favorite breakfast. It was decided not to make his favorite as he might get suspicious about the food and refuse to eat. I cannot imagine the not-princess actually refusing to eat, but Chang assures me that it has happened at least once in the past. Winner states that he can recall two separate occasions. A strong sedative was mixed in with the syrup. While the not-princess ate his breakfast, several canteens were prepared with a mixture of an electrolyte beverage and the sedative. The sedative was indicated to last the average person 12 hours. Considering the not-princess's metabolism, I calculated that it would last for 4 hours. Enough of the sedative beverage was made to get the not-princess to Peacemillion without argument.
At 0800 hours, Barton helped the sleeping not-princess mount the horse in my lap and we departed without incident. The not-princess had bad dreams with every REM cycle. This concerned me as the horse showed signs of wanting to violently object to these dreams. The not-princess is loud and active when he is having bad dreams. His language, already rude at best, deteriorated further and he lashed out with his fists and his feet (see Injury Report). At 1315 hours, the not-princess began to wake up. Since he was sufficiently groggy to not think clearly, I permitted him personal time and gave him the electrolyte beverage with the sedative in it. He drank it and fell back asleep while mounting the horse. I was able to return him to the same position in my lap. He slept until 1800 hours. We stopped again for more personal time and more of the electrolyte beverage. He apologized for his sleepiness, falling asleep before mounting the horse. He slept until 0030 hours. Once again, we stopped for personal time and more of the electrolyte beverage. He did not fall asleep until we had remounted the horse. At this point, I fell asleep. I awoke 4 hours later, on the ground, by myself, with a canteen of the electrolyte beverage.
Injury Report Yuy: Right eye, swollen shut, bruised, from the not-princess's fist. Sedated, unable to operate heavy machinery until Day 14, 1200 hours. Fit for full duty.
Day: 15
Mission: Rescue the Princess
Status: Completed
Plan: At 0800 hours, depart the castle via horseback with adequate provisions and the not-princess. Estimated transit time to Peacemillion, the Sweeper Castle, 43 hours. The not-princess will not be permitted out of sight at any time during transit.
Analysis: Upon my return to the old castle at Day 14, 1630 hours, Winner met me at the gate. The not-princess had safely arrived at the castle early that morning. This is no surprise. The not-princess was in the entertainment room, watching television and eating popcorn. He waved cheerfully at me and asked if I enjoyed my sedative. Winner reminded me that I was not permitted to shoot the not-princess.
After subtly interrogating the not-princess's best friend Winner, I was instructed to politely ask the not-princess to return to Peacemillion. I did not see this as an effective ploy to rescue the not-princess as it had not worked on Day 7. Winner assured me that I had ordered the not-princess to return to Peacemillion. I disagree with this assessment. Rather than argue with Winner, I immediately found the not-princess playing a video game. I asked him politely to return to Peacemillion with me. He immediately agreed to comply with my request.
Departure occurred at 0800 hours without incident. The not-princess mounted the horse behind me and bid his friends goodbye cheerfully. He did not attempt to annoy either myself or the horse with talking, singing, acting, or fighting at any point during transit. He was remarkably good company.
We arrived at the drawbridge to Peacemillion on Day 17, at 0800 hours. The sentries correctly challenged our presence. At this point the not-princess yelled, "Heeeeeeeey Luuuuucy! I'm hoooome!" The portcullis immediately dropped and the guards began to raise the drawbridge. It took 2 hours to convince the men at arms lining the battlements to notify either King Howard or King's Advisor G of our arrival so that we could be passed into Peacemillion. The not-princess spent most of this time laughing, taunting the men at arms, and throwing rocks at the battlements. We entered Peacemillion at 1100 hours. Mission completed.
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