Wash My Hair
Chapter Five: Random Acts of Combat Aerobics
by Muffie
I'm not afraid of many things. Wufei tells me that I don't have enough sense to be afraid and that I'm too reckless to remain among the living for long, let alone be a Preventer. It's kind of sweet the way he worries about me. Two things terrified me at the moment, so bad that I'm sure my hair was turning white, and at so young an age. One, I knocked Une flat on her ass and didn't stop to help her up and didn't apologize. She was in the way. And she shouldn't have been standing around in the doorway looking amused because that's just dumb. You never know when a soap operatic crisis might occur that requires its participants to go charging through HQ yelling at each other and threatening to cut off one another's braids out of sheer perverse evilness. Hell, you'd think that after employing me'n Wufei for as long as she has, she'd be used to random acts of combat aerobics and guerilla bellowing contests. What can I say, Wufei is a playful kind of a guy.
Two, and this scared me even worse that clotheslining Une--who once laughed maniacally after informing me that she was going to oversee my execution personally and then make sure the video made it into her personal collection of all time favorites--Heero was running away from me again. Yeah, Une'n me didn't exactly have a healthy relationship to start out, but I think that since she's gotten her personalities together--so if you have sex with her, is that like having a threesome? does it qualify as kinky lesbo action?--we're getting along much better. Uh, don't mention the threesome lesbo action. I'd like my skin to remain attached to my body, thanks.
Heero can usually run like all hell's breaking loose, but he was going kind of slow. He didn't even plow over the annoying guy who made it into Special Operations by the skin of his loser teeth. I'd have to make sure he rectified that on the return trip. I kicked it into high gear so I could make sure there was a return trip.
"Heero, wait!"
He glared over his shoulder and slammed through the door to the stairs. Shit, couldn't he just take the elevator like normal people?
I ran in after him. "Heero, stop!"
Fucker picked up speed. Goddammit!
"Heero, you'd better fucking stop! That's an order!"
"No!" He yelled back. It echoed all the way up and down the stairwell.
"Please stop!"
"What for? You're getting along just fine with Chang."
"Because you're my best friend and I lo--ike you and I don't want you to go away again because I'll miss you too much!"
He stopped. He did. He jumped onto a landing somewhere between the third and fourth floor and turned to look up at me. He had on his most endearing glare, the one that always made me want to wrap my arms around him and promise him everything and beyond. I stopped, too, a couple of feet away from him, and twisted my braid in my hands. His glare melted into something like naked hope and fear and nervousness. Sheesh. Talk about your wild imagination, Maxwell. He blinked a few times before opening his mouth. God, he has a sexy mouth. "Do you mean it?"
This was such a bad idea. Not only because he wasn't in any position to hear this kind of thing, but because it was really going hurt. I tried not to chew on my bottom lip and nodded.
Suddenly, I was all wrapped up in Heero. He pressed his face into my neck and squeezed. "My Duo."
No, boys don't cry, but they sure as shit bawled like babies and if we got any more emotional and stuff, I'd be blubbering all over his shoulder and a familiar black tee shirt. A black tee shirt that smelled like me and him all mixed together.
"I want you to smile," he said. I could feel his breath against my neck and it was making me feel all warm and gooey inside and kind of hard and pointy outside. "I want to make you happy."
"You're wearing my shirt."
I'd bet anything that he was giving my jugular his embarrassed glare. "I'm sorry, Master."
"Quit calling me that!" I rubbed my hand along his spine and tried to pretend that it was only because I wanted to comfort him. Or something. "I'm not mad, it's just that I was wearing it yesterday. I had clean stuff you could have borrowed."
He eased himself backward and turned his embarrassed glare on the wall. "I joined up. I start the second."
"Cool! Hey, that's on Monday."
He nodded. "I'll be attached to Spec Ops, working computer investigations and as back up when necessary."
"You're not taking a field assignment?"
His eyes narrowed a little. "No." Was it me or did he sound a little uncertain there?
"Good." Thank fucking God. I really would kneecap Une if she put him in the field. Well. I'd use house paint on her car--oil based house paint--when no one was looking, but the principle is the same. He looked at me sharply, probably testing to see if I was joking, so I smiled at him. "Heero, I really don't have anything going on with Wufei. I'm just his friend."
He frowned. "You were in his lap and you kissed him."
I grinned. "That wasn't a kiss." What the hell, right? I leaned forward and blew a raspberry against his cheek. "See?"
He wiped Duo-slobber off with a miffed glower. "That was disgusting."
"That's kinda the point."
He eyed me suspiciously. "Is that a Duo thing or an American thing?"
"Uh, both?"
"Duo," he sighed.
"Heero," I sighed back. I grabbed his hands, squeezing them in mine, and waited until he was looking me in the eyes. "Promise me that you'll never call me master again."
He stared for a minute, like he was counting the convolutions in my cerebrum, then shook his head. "No."
I glared. "Why the hell not?"
He just smirked at me. Bastard.
"Fucking fine," I growled. "We should get back before Wufei decided to go looking through my stuff. I haven't done the roaches yet. Oh, and I gotta swing by Zechsy-babe's office."
Heero frowned. "Zechsy-babe?"
I grinned and kissed his cheek for not jumping to conclusions and running like hell, then bounded up the stairs. "Zechs is just a friend."
After verifying that Wufei was still at his desk, I headed on over to Zechs's office. You know he's got one to himself? He doesn't have to share with anyone! It's sick and wrong. Of course, I like sharing space with Wufei. He does keep things interesting and lively. Back during the Wars, I never woulda thought of Wufei as being such a fun loving guy. Well, fun loving for a guy with a stick up his ass. Sideways.
"Heya Zechs, I think we had a breakthrough!"
Zechs look up and smiled at me for a moment, before his eyes flicked to Heero. "Yuy."
"Merquise."
I rolled my eyes. "Come on, we're all buddies here now and all that blowing each other to bits stuff is a bajillion miles away. Get in here and shut the door, Heero. Hurry up before Wufei sees you."
Heero heaved a sigh, but did as he was told. It shames me to admit, but I could kinda get used to that. Hey, it's a lot better than a shut up, baka and then getting ignored.
"What's the breakthrough?"
I grinned. "Wufei agreed to get drunk with me!" I tell ya, I almost did a victory dance.
Zechs just looked at me like I was insane. "A breakthrough would be Wufei agreeing to get drunk with me."
I waved my hand in the air. "Same thing. We need an ahem impartial observer."
Zechsy's eyes flicked over the Heero again and stayed there.
I rolled my eyes. "That would be you, blondie. Wufei's s'posed to get ten sheets to the wind and if he can tell me that he honestly wants me to stop pestering him about you, I will."
"And how is that going to help?"
I grinned. More peace aunts resisting the day. "Wufei really can't lie for shit when he's drunk."
Zechs looked interested now. "And you're positive that he won't tell you to stop?"
"Damn, blondie, I told you. I got his ass a little bit drunk and he spent two solid hours writing freaking poetry to your voice. Hmm. I should have saved some of it. I coulda used it on Heero cause I suck at poetry."
Zechs and Heero exchanged this look. Then they both smirked at each other in this knowing, supercilious way that was just too annoying for words. Zechs lifted his eyebrows--notice he hasn't mastered the art of the single eyebrow arch like I have, muahahaha--and Heero shrugged slightly, then looked at me.
"Okay guys, if we're all gonna speak stoic soldier-ese, please have a translator handy for those of us who still speak Standard."
Zechs looked amused for a moment, then gave Heero this sort of are you sure? face. Heero smirked again.
"I give up," I whined. Hey, don't underestimate the power of the whine. I've perfected it to the point where I can get under Wufei's skin in fifteen seconds or less with just the pitch of my voice. Well, make it like thirty seconds when he's meditating. "When's good night for you, Zechs? We should do it quick before he tries to weasel out of it."
"Tonight is fine."
"Cool. My place. Our resident Chinese studmuffin never has anything to do anyway." I grinned. "I'll email ya."
Zechs smiled. "Thanks, Duo."
I winked at him and dragged Heero back to the office. Well, I don't suppose I had to actually drag him, but I spent half the war either dragging him where he didn't want to go or getting dragged by him where I didn't want to go because I couldn't ogle his ass when we got there.
I bounced into the office because the door was open. "Great news, Wufei!" I bellowed. "Dorothy Catalonia agreed to donate her eggs to the cause. Just think of all the little Changs with forked eyebrows that you can have in nine months!"
While Wufei gaped at me in utter horror, Trowa sprayed our office with coffee. Most of it from his nose, I believe. Success, baby. Heh.
"Please tell me you're joking, Maxwell."
I grinned cheekily. "You're joking, Maxwell."
Actually, that probably wasn't a bad idea. Doro was just fucked up in the head enough to agree to it if only to bite ol' Wufei on the ass.
Heero took pity on the poor Wuffie-pooh. "He's joking."
Wufei sighed in relief.
Heero frowned then, eyeing me suspiciously. "I think."
Wufei turned bright red and squeezed his lips into a teeny tiny little line. I really should tell him that it's unsexy when you swallow your lips or turn them white. How is he suppose to keep a hunk like Zechs interested if he looks like that?
"Relax, Wufei, I haven't asked her yet. I have to strangle her first, then I'll ask if she'll bear your progeny." I sniffed and dropped into my chair. "One thing at a time man. You good for tonight? I'll pick up the liquor and we can do it at my place."
Trowa finished mopping the coffee from the parts of his bangs that got in the way of his spray. "How can she bear Wufei's progeny if you strangle her?"
I snorted my don't ask dumb questions snort. "She's the spawn of Satan, she'll figure it out."
Wufei was glaring at me now. It was only a 4.1, so he must not have been too displeased with the idea of Doro littering his puppies. "I am more than capable of finding a woman to bear my progeny on my own, Maxwell. Stay out of it."
"Hey, if you're wanting someone Chinese, we can always ask Sally Po. Think she'd donate her ovum?"
There was something that sounded suspiciously like a snicker from Trowa and Heero was outright grinning now. Wufei's glare kicked up to a 7.8.
"Okay, we can put an ad in the personals. Smart, Chinese sex god with a stick up his ass seeks good Chinese girl to artificially inseminate. Homophobes need not apply. Must have impeccable lineage and enjoy lectures on justice."
"Maxwell, I have killed others for less of an insult," Wufei growled.
"Yeah, you're right. Sally Po it is. And just think, free medical care for the kids!"
"If you don't respond to him, he gets bored and goes away," Trowa told Wufei helpfully. "It takes years, but it does happen."
I glared at him, but I think my bottom lip was sticking out or something because Heero was giving me his aww, aren't you just cute as hell glare. "Ha fucking ha, Tro. You're not normal. Speaking of which, since your night life is so hoppin, Wu you hot, in-demand stud you, tonight good for that get drunk thing? We can do it at my place. I'll bring the liquor and you just bring your sexy justice ass."
Wufei tossed his God, you're stupid stare at me, then grunted and scribbled something on a notepad. You just know he's not writing anything over there. It's all for effect; one of those studied moves to make you think you've been dismissed. Wu's problem is that he keeps underestimating the power of dumb perseverance. I am the river gnawing relentlessly at the canyon walls of his willpower. The really cool whitewater river that's deadly and beautiful and lures those men brave enough to match their wits and strength against the mysterious and turbulent grace of the, um, yeah. Back to Wufei. He's a dork.
"Great! We can pick up some take out on the way home or something." I scratched the end of my nose. "I need some more liquor."
"We work tomorrow, idiot. I do not get drunk the night before I have to work." Wufei glared. "I refuse to touch that tequila swill of yours. I will bring my own."
"Nothing doing, Wufei. You'll bring that pansy stuff. You promised to get shitfaced, so you will get shitfaced." I grinned evilly. I knew just the stuff to get you shitfaced in one gulp or less, too. That is if Earl was still running loose, terrorizing the local boozehound population. I snatched up my mobile phone and tapped in a few numbers.
"Whatever it is, no!" Earl snarled. He must have gotten caller ID since the last time.
"But, Earl, baby, you don't even know what I'm calling for. Would your old buddy steer you wrong?"
"In a heartbeat. I'm not violating probation for you again, Maxie, so just shove it up your ass and yank it out your left nostril."
"Jeez, man, I'm not asking you to violate anything here. What I want is perfectly legal."
He snorted.
I grinned. "Mostly."
Wufei was giving me an evil eye now. Trowa looked vaguely interested while Heero was looking worried.
"Whattaya want?" Earl sounded so suspicious that I could practically see his thick lips poking straight out like a carp's and his eyebrows beetling halfway down his nose.
"Well, I wanted to drop by and buy some of that beaded jewelry you make."
Trowa and Wufei exchanged a mystified look. Heero's worried glare shifted into Heero's very worried glare.
"And, since we're buddies, you could share some squeezins."
Earl laughed in my face. Not literally, but you get the idea. "I don't share squeezins."
"You can share squeezins after I pay a lot of money for that cheap jewelry."
"You didn't hear me, son. I don't share squeezins."
"And you didn't hear me, pappy, I'm going to pay a lot of money for your stupid jewelry so you can shaaaaaaare your squeezins!"
"For the love of--Maxwell, just tell the idiot that you're speaking to, your parent no doubt, that you'll buy his stupid moonshine outright." Wufei slammed his pen down. "I cannot believe that I am sitting here listening to a Preventer agent making illicit deals for untaxed and unregulated liquor."
Earl had apparently either heard Wufei--I' wouldn't be surprised if all of China heard Wufei--or he'd finally figured it out. "Oooh! I see. You buy some of my fine jewelry for your girl and as a good proprietor, I'll give you some squeezins." There was a grunt over the phone. "Why didn't I think of this before?" Earl would be back in the hoosegow in a week if he took up this kind of racket, you watch.
"Cause you don't have my natural genius, Earl-buddy. You got any brewed up?"
"Why, Maxie ol' pal, I've got some prime stuff that's done been aged a whole week. I even put my best sweat socks in it. It's my best vintage yet."
Sweat socks. Yuck. "Tell me you're joking about the sweat socks."
Earl laughed. It wasn't as pleasant as, say, Heero's laugh. "'Course I'm joking, Maxie-boy. How much you all need?"
"Enough for four guys and one tight-ass."
"Now boy, I don't wanna hear about none o' yo' homo-sek-shul excapades." Something metal shrieked on Earl's end. "I'll put by a couple jugs fer ya, Maxie."
"Thanks, Earl. See ya round!"
He snorted. "Not if I sees ya first." Then he hung up.
I grinned to the room at large.
Wufei held up a finger. "I do not want to know anything about this. Particularly what sweat socks have to do with it."
"Four?" Trowa asked.
"I'm getting enough in case you'n Quatre come, too."
"I'd like to be there. A drunk Wufei is too interesting to pass up." Trowa sent a smirk toward the glaring Wu-meister. "Quatre won't show if I'm there."
I blinked. Quatre was head over heels for Trowa, he was almost Relena loooooves Heero over Trowa. "Why not? I thought you two were good friends."
Trowa just looked at me.
I looked back. "Well?"
He blinked.
I rolled my eyes. "Fine, be that way. See if I care that people I consider some of my best friends in the whole universe and beyond hide things from me."
"I'm glad you don't care, Duo," Trowa said with a smirk. "I'd hate to hurt your feelings."
I wadded up a piece of paper and threw it at him. Bastard.
Heero leaned over my desk and kissed me briefly. "I need clothes. I'll see you after work."
"Sure, 'Ro. After I drop Wufei off, I gotta swing by Earl's and get the stuff, then I'll be home. Probably around five-ish." I scrunched my face up and gave Wufei the evil-eye. "Unless, Wufei wants to rant some more, then it might take longer."
Wufei gave me a sour look. "Perhaps with Yuy joining the Preventers, I might actually get a decent partner."
I snorted. "Heero's talents are wasted on the field and everyone knows it."
"I'm working in computers," Heero said. "I won't have a partner."
Wufei glared at me as if I had specifically created these circumstances just to annoy him. He abruptly smirked. "I suppose you'll be Agent Dream Sex Kitten, huh?"
The corner of Heero's mouth quirked up. "No. Une wouldn't approve it. Or Duo's Kitten. Or Duo's Dream. Or even just Duo's."
Wufei's jaw unhinged and his face turned white then red and then he abruptly found the interior of his bottom desk drawer fascinating.
No freaking fair! How in the hell can Heero, of all people, shut Wufei up in one statement and I have to fight the man to a standstill? It's not like Heero holds a black belt in Talk Fu like yours truly!
Heero turned his smirk on me. "You're adorable when you pout, Master."
Trowa giggled. Bastard.
"I'm not pouting!" I glared. "And quit calling me master!" I glared even more because Trowa was now outright grinning enough to split his face in half. "And I'm not adorable! Puppies are adorable! Bunnies are adorable! The God of Death is not adorable!"
All three of them were on the floor, laughing like a bunch of a crazed terrorist hyenas. Okay, maybe not exactly on the floor, but they were sure as hell laughing at me. Especially Wufei. I crossed my arms over my chest, huffed in annoyance, and glared at the wall. This set them off into fresh gales of laughter. Okay, fuck, it's not that goddamned funny!
"Come on, Agent Duo's," Trowa said between chortles. "Let's get going."
I was too busy pretending to be busy to see if Heero got in a last smirk or smile or blew me a freaking kiss or whatever before the two left. And just when, I'd like to know, did Trowa pick up a freaking sense of humor? And why in the hell did it have to be at my expense? Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.
"Do quit beating your head on the desk, Maxwell. You might dent it and then your scribbling will be even more illegible."
Bastard.
"You see this, Wu? This is me not laughing."
"Spill your guts, Maxwell. I want all of the details or I'll call the Vice Foreign Minister's office and tell her that you know exactly where Yuy is."
I glared at him.
He smiled sweetly at me. Bastard!
"That's low, Wufei, even for you."
"Start talking or I might accidentally let it slip that for some reason Yuy is calling you master. Obviously an unhealthy state of affairs that Yuy should be saved from. You evil beast." Oooh, that rat bastard was enjoying the fuck out of this. This was war.
"There's nothing to talk about." I grinned slyly. "Unless you want all the scintillating details about what Heero looks like in nothing but a leather g-string in a collar, you pervert."
He leaned back in his chair and smirked. "I want to know why Yuy is calling you master."
"I told you. That's his story to tell, not mine. Dammit Wu, respect the man's privacy!"
"I'll be more than happy to, when he stops calling you his master in my presence. If he did not mind the questions, he wouldn't have called you that where others can hear it."
"You want to know? Hell, I don't know! I have no fucking idea why he's wearing a collar. I have no fucking idea why he's calling me master. I have no fucking idea what in the fuck he wants from me!" I was the only one in the room who didn't notice that I was standing up now, and yelling. Yeah, I was yelling really loud. "This is Heero Goddamned Yuy we're talking about here. The man that saved the world twice and had the brass balls to give everyone a giant fuck you, bitch before blowing himself to kingdom come!"
Wufei's smirk was gone. I ignored him favor of pacing back and forth behind my desk.
"He just fucking showed up, almost butt ass naked after about a year of being gone. You know? Maybe he's so used to taking orders from that bastard J and Dotty the Super Freak and oh my fucking god, Dekim Barton." I twisted my hands in my braid and tried not to pull my hair out. "Maybe he's so used to taking orders he just wants someone who'll give him orders. What the fuck do I know? I'm just the baka here. But hell, he was pretty damned shitty at taking orders during the war, you know? He was supposed to kill Relena. And me. And help drop a fucking colony on the planet. You see how well he did what he was told. Heero Yuy just isn't subservient, ya know?"
Wufei hummed quietly from his desk, nodding.
I flopped into my chair and glared moodily at the wall. "I don't get it. I come home and he's kneeling in my doorway almost butt ass naked because his Mistress Dorothy the Wonder Witch told him to and she's off blowing the cabbie of all people and Mrs. Clovis wants him to come see about her pipes. There's an image I so don't need. And he won't stop calling me master or sir. Even when I tell him to." Wondering just why in the hell I was giving Wufei any ammo to use against me to begin with, I grew a pair and met his eyes. He wasn't laughing it up like I thought he would be. Or giving me that condescending justicier than thou attitude. The stick was well and truly out of his ass. "I want him to be there because he wants to be, not because he has to be. Not because of Doro's cock harnesses and whippy thingies in my closet and the shit she's making him do. I don't want a sex slave. I want Heero to wash my hair." I dropped my head onto my desk with a solid clunk. "God I'm so fucking pathetic. Go ahead, laugh at me now. Duo the Doofus."
"Duo, do you honestly think that anyone, let alone anyone named Dorothy, can make Yuy do anything he doesn't want to do? Even if this Dorothy has, as you say, whippy thingies?"
I gaped at him rather stupidly. You know, like one of those big drooly kind of dogs after it got hit with a truck.
He smiled gently. "What could this Dorothy of yours possibly do that would scare Yuy into doing anything he doesn't want to do? This is a man that's survived self-destruction twice, torture at the hands of experts, Colonel Une, and setting his own leg--as you frequently remind me whenever you get so much as a splinter."
My mouth clicked shut. I blinked at him for a few minutes, feeling kind of like a passenger train that just got smacked head on by a really big freight train. "Well, Dr. J and that moron Dekim kinda did make him self-destruct and I don't think he really wanted to, you know."
"And this Dorothy person is capable of threatening vast civilian populaces as well? We should arrest her."
"Well, only if you put up big pictures of her eyebrows everywhere."
Wufei turned a funny shade of yellow. "Please tell me that you are not speaking of Dorothy Catalonia. Please tell me that it's some other Dorothy. Lie if you must."
I grinned at him a bit sheepishly. "I'd lie if I could, Wu."
"If I am not mistaken, you're telling me that Yuy has been Dorothy Catalonia's sex slave?" Wufei turned green. "I'm going to be sick."
I frowned. "You know, that's real funny because Heero said he's gay. How can he be her sex slave? I know she's got a bigger set of gundanium plated balls than the average guy, but she's still sporting indoor plumbing."
"So, sometime after Yuy abruptly left that Peacecraft woman's employ without word to anyone, he, for some inconceivable reason, became Dorothy Catalonia's sex slave. And, after that happened, she sent him to you and now he is your sex slave." Wufei shook his head hard enough to kick more of his hair out of the pony tail. "This makes no sense."
"Maybe he's bi? Or Doro's got a penis? Actually, it wouldn't be so hard to believe that Doro would have a penis. She's just weird that way. And those eyebrows!"
Wufei ignored that. "Nevertheless. Do you honestly believe that Dorothy Catalonia can make Heero Yuy do anything he does not want to do?"
"Well, maybe if she scared him with her eyebrows." Okay, that sounded really stupid.
"So if she can't make him do what he doesn't want to do, why do you assume that he doesn't want to be with you?"
"Because she told him to and she's his mistress and that's just too creepy!"
"If she's his mistress," Wufei paused to shudder, "then why is he calling you master?"
I glared at him. This was Wufei "Why, yes, I am frigid" Chang giving me relationship advice!
He smiled in return. "Why don't you ask him what he wants? And, perhaps, believe him when he tells you that it's you?"
I just know my glare turned all pouty, but I couldn't help it. "I never said anything about not believing him when he says he wants me."
The smile turned a little sad. "You don't have to. It's as obvious as the day to anyone who knows you. Not all of us are lucky enough to have a chance at what we dream of, Duo. You have that opportunity if you just let yourself have a little faith."
I let my glare melt into a full-fledged pout. Oh shut up, I can pout if I want to.
He arched his eyebrow. "As for now, Maxwell, we have work that requires our attention."
"Wu?"
"Work, Maxwell."
"Why can't you be this nice to me in front of witnesses?"
His eyes bored into mine for a moment. "Because you are an idiot and, as the sole surviving member of the Dragon Clan, I have both dignity and a reputation to maintain."
He would have to smirk. Bastard.
|