Woke Up This Morning
by My-Chan
I slam the front door with a loud bang but I hardly notice the noise. From the corner of my eyes I can see that you wince slightly, almost imperceptibly by the sudden and loud sound, but I only notice that unconsciously. I rush into my room without a single word to you – no, it’s more like I’m fleeing. Tears are streaming down my face, and I don’t want you to see me like this. Nobody shall ever see me like this. I never cry! NEVER!
But those tears aren’t tears of sorrow. It’s rage, hatred and despair that makes my soul bleed.
Another bang is heard as I slam the door of my room as well with full power. The door makes a unhealthy crunching sound accompanied by the sound of plaster falling to the ground. I let myself drop on the bed and bury my wet face in my pillow. My fingers clutch the soft material, nearly tearing it apart. I want to scream, let out all my rage and hatred but that would only attract you and I don’t want to, I am not able to look into your face…. Not now…
I paid my last respects this morning on an early grave
Already said goodbye... nothin' left to say
A tiny church, a tiny town and not a tear was spent
Not how I wanted it... I'm hating all of this
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing at the grave of sister Helen. Simply standing there, unmoving. How I stared down at the half-rotten wooden cross on a grave which is not worth her. Only one step away rests father Maxwell. They rest there in eternal peace… PAH! Peace? I clench my fists. Rage and despair start to build up inside me.
Sister Helen, killed by falling, burning pieces of the church which was set on fire by a streetgang. I see her face before me, how she was dying in my arms, under the laughter of the arsonists, and my throat is seizing up. Blood is dripping on her grave and I notice that my fingernails have injured my palms, notice it with dull indifference. I lift the hurt hand over the cross and watch the blood dripping down on it.
Father Maxwell, killed by the same bikergang who killed sister Helen before, killed as he tried to stop them from destroying the carbonized ruins of the church completely. He tried to protect his sanctuary, and paid with his life.
Peace? Knows God, no... This wasn’t peace. But did god care anyway?
Cold fog wanders over the small graveyard and just a few seconds later it starts to rain. It is a sickening cold, grey rain. And it fits perfectly. It fits my mood, my life, this moment and the scenery before my eyes: A small graveyard, soiled by streetgangs who deposit their garbage here, in the background the carbonized ruin of something that used to be a church and my home. The home of orphans and streetkids, like I am.
And god? God doesn’t give a damn about this. Did he help sister Helen when she died slowly in this sea of flames? No, he only let her live until I managed to free her from the debris, until I held her in my arms. Let her live long enough so I could see the pain in her eyes, kept her alive to die in my arms. Did he help and protect Father Maxwell as he defended his – God’s – house with his life? No. He never helped us. He didn’t care. Well, I don’t care about him either. If I believe in god? Why should I? He never showed himself, he never helped. However, Shinigami, the God of Death is everywhere, always present. I do believe in him, he is what I have become.
I take one step to the right and hold my hand over Father Maxwell’s grave, let my blood drop on it as well. While I watch it becoming a mix with the cold rain and then slowly trickle away into the ground, I take an oath to my dead friends, or maybe also to myself. “I swear... I will take revenge for your death... they will pay for what they did to you. They will pay for taking our family from us, and your life… I hope you will find peace then…” … and that I will find mine…
Then I turned away. Without one single word more, without having shed a single tear. And I hated myself in this moment. Had my heart already become too cold that I wasn’t even capable of crying at the grave of my loved ones? The God of Death doesn’t cry. No, never. He judges and he kills. But he doesn’t cry. I left my destroyed home in silence and hated myself for what I was… What I had become…
Now I know why I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me... now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning
I clutch my fingernails in the stuff even harder and bite my pillow to gag the uncontrollable scream which comes from my throat.
This is the reason, this only. The reason why I push you away sometimes. Why I act unfriendly and contemptuous, why I hide from you and why I retire in myself. I hate myself. For what I am, for what I do and what I wasn’t able to do. I hate myself for everything I personify, for what I made of myself and for what I am not capable of doing, despite my power: To give my friends peace.
How should I have taken revenge on somebody who’s face I don’t know? Somebody I never saw, I never could have found to call to account. I can’t. I can’t fulfil my promise and I hate myself for my inability.
With a low scream I lift my arm and ram my already injured fist against the wall, and leave a good visible hole in it. Brickwork is falling on the bed as I pull my hand out slowly. A wall which is breaking into pieces.... I think about you again, almost involuntarily. How hard you try to break the wall around me, how hard you try to reach me, the real ‘me’. You’re careful and gentle, and with great calmness and patience, which I would have never guessed you have, you started to clear away the wall around me. What for? Only to see your work completely destroyed when panic takes hold of me. Panic that you, if you saw my real nature, you’d recognise and despise, like I despise and hate myself. You’d despise and fear me. When panic takes hold of me, the wall builds up again, almost by itself. Stronger than before. Thicker and higher.
But you’re not willing to give up. You started at the very beginning again and again, only to fail at the end anyway.
What for? You say it’s because you love me. Those words sound good and I want to believe it. Want to tell you that I love you too, if that’s what’s buried deep under those walls, waiting for you to relieve it, really is love. Am I even able to love? Or is this again just a lie? Love? Pah! I only know hatred. That’s what’s filling my entire life, my heart and my soul.
Tears are still streaming down my face, trickling away in my soft pillow. A gagged sob escapes my throat and I clench my injured fist as hard as I can, ignoring the pain.
Suddenly I hear a quiet sound and I spin around, only to see your face. Your normally expressionless look changes. "Duo?!" You’re confused. Of course... you didn’t expect to see me like this. To see me, Shinigami, the judge crying confuses you, the perfect soldier, so much that these emotions can be seen clearly on your face. It feels like my heart is squeezed by a hand as cold as ice as you slowly take a few steps towards me and the expression on your face changes to…. pity. I grit my teeth, so hard it almost hurts. I don’t want your pity Heero! I don’t want it!
"What.... do you want Heero?"
The hatred in my voice seems to push you back since you stop walking and your face turns back to normal. I am sure you know that this hatred isn’t meant for you. I’m just not able to hide it anymore.
"I wanted to see if you’re ok."
What in the world made me think Heero wouldn’t notice? Of course he felt how tense and mad I was when I came back. Even though he didn’t know where I went.
"Duo... what is it?"
His voice is so gentle... It’s giving me a feeling of security and safety and I can feel the despair in my heart slowly dissolving… but... NO! I mustn’t let that happen…
"That’s none of your damn business Heero! Get lost!"
My own words feel like ret-hot knives stabbing my cold heart. But I cannot allow you to love me. It would destroy you, I am not strong enough for that.
I can see pain flicker in your eyes, like the flame of a candle in an icy gust, and I feel sorry. However, I may not let it happen, for you. If this is the only way to protect you from me, so be it. "Gomen nasai Heero..."
I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change
If you don't like it... there's the door... nobody made you stay
There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it
Just how I wanted it... I'm hating all of this
Slowly I get up from the bed, my tears are already dried up. Duo is gone, what’s left is Shinigami only, the god of death, and I can almost feel my heart getting colder, the walls thicker, higher and powerful – untouchable.
I know it is cowardly to do that, I run away, I hide – like always. It seems like this is all I’m able to do. Life’s a game and I am the looser, in every way.
The expression of my face gets harder as I walk towards you now. A shadow of sorrow dims your blue eyes, joins the silent idea of pain. But I simply ignore it.
"What’s wrong Heero? Don’t you like what you see?"
You don’t answer, but I can see you swallow because of my harsh words.
"You wanted ‚me’, didn’t you? There you go. That’s the real me. The real face of Duo Maxwell, the constantly cheerful idiot who’s always up to a stupid joke. That’s me! Do you still want me!?"
I’ve become loud while I said those harsh words, those words which hit your face, harder than my hand ever could. I screamed the last two sentences and you, the perfect soldier, who never bows to anything nor anyone, you fall back because of my rage and hatred.
A short moment passes, and you gaze at me with a look I cannot read before you give me a low answer:
"No... That’s not you Duo."
A bitter laughter escapes my throat and I coarsely grab your chin.
"Oh yeah, that /is/ ‘me’! You can go if you don’t like it! Nobody made you stay! There’s the door! Get lost!"
But you don’t move. You don’t try to evade me, to loosen my grip. Neither do you follow my demand to leave me.
You just keep looking at me, with this unreadable gaze, and finally you slowly lift your hand. But not to remove mine from your face like I believe at first. No, you do the exact opposite. Gently you put your hand over my fingers, which are still holding your chin coarsely, and start to caress them.
"Why do you hate yourself so bad?"
My eyes widen as I hear your question and again I’m overwhelmed bye a tidal wave of despair and anger. The grip of my hand tightens.
"As if you knew anything! You have no idea!"
I want to keep talking, scream my rage out of my heart and soul, right into your face. But the snake of despair bites in my throat and only croaking sounds come out of it. I coarsely push you away from me just to collapse sobbing, to sink to the ground, shaking violently. A few moments later I feel you kneeling next to me, grabbing my shoulder to pull me in your arms. I want to defend myself, want to push you away, try to hit you, but your grip is merciless, and for the first time ever, you take advantage of your superior strength and pull me onto your lap.
Weak as I feel, I let you have your way. When you realize that my resistance is gone, you gently put your arms around me and press my upper body against yours tenderly. Immediately I can feel the security and safety you’re trying to give me taking over, scaring the demons away. My fingers clutch your shirt and I find myself pressing my shaking body harder against yours, like a lost child seeking protection – like what I am.
"Be yourself Duo, please. Do it for me. Let the real Duo out, show me... show me... onegai..."
I feel you bury your head in the space between my neck and shoulder and cramping your hand in my braid. Your voice whispers right next to my ear, very low, only one single word:
"Onegai..."
I’ve never seen you like this. Never ever did I hear you ask somebody for something. And now... now... now you ask me, the little streetrat from L2, to be…. me.
Now I know why I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me... now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning
My heart feels like it’s squeezed by an icy hand, and for a short moment I cannot breathe. But then I can feel the wall around me crumbling down. I want it to be destroyed, I want to be free. Want to leave this depressing feeling behind, which has been chasing me my hole life.
Slowly, without me doing anything, I begin to cry. But this time it’s for real, no fake tears. And all my feeling which I buried deep down inside me for the past years start to force their way out. All at once and with such a great power that I fear they will tear me apart. I am just about to force them back down, lock them up forever in their icy prison. But then I can feel you gently stroking my hair, your lips touching mine slightly and I let go.
Salty tears stream down my hot cheeks unhindered, wash away the depressing weight of the last years, and while this burden falls off of me I begin to talk. Everything, I want to tell you everything, I want you to have a share in my life, cause I know now, that you’re able to chase the demons away.
My mind is freed from the dark shadows and cold feelings as I fall asleep in your arms about one hour later. Only one thought reigns my inside, and the need to express it grows with every moment.
"Aishiteru... Heero..."
From the corner of my eye I can see you smile at my words before my eyelids finally close. I never ever saw you smile before and I know it’s special. And it’s for me only.
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