To the Ends of the Earth
by Shira
Faint sunlight peeking in through the gauze curtains wakes me, a light breeze bringing with it the distinctive smells of the ocean. The air is laden with the heaviness of sea salt and the sun smells of sand. I hear an Albatross calling in the distance. He's probably found himself some morsel washed up on the edge of the water. From where I lay in bed everything still looks gray outside, but I know it will be bright and shiny in only minutes as the world awakes. The day is new. The world calling me. I rub my eyes, chasing the remnants of sleep and start to get up. I remember now that you're gone, and I sigh deeply.
I go first to the bathroom, taking care of things there, then starting on my hair. Looking at myself in the mirror, quiet violet eyes shining back at me, I take the vented brush at the edge of the sink and start. Ends first - always the ends first, to keep from breaking the delicate hairs. Grouping all my hair up in my hand, I start meticullously detangelling the ends, then work my way up until I can finally run the brush all the way through. You used to love brushing my hair. I fluff the bangs with the brush and they fall around my face in no particular order, hiding my eyes under them. When I'm finished, I look again in the mirror and see me framed with deep copper. I brush my teeth and leave.
Going back to the bedroom I pick my cutoff shorts up off the floor, where I left them last night, and slip them back on. These are my favorites, the ones that fit me best. The ones that sit just below my bellybutton. The ones that made you look at me the way that you did. My tan line matches these shorts. The shorts are all I put on my body before I step silently through the house. I open the sliding doors and walk out onto the deck, then lean against the railing. Looking out to the sea, I think of you. Of us. You loved this place too. Thinking about you makes my gut wrench.
You held my hand and then you slipped away
And I may never see your face again
So tell me how to fill the emptiness inside
Without love
What is life?
Gentle breezes blow strands of my hair. Sunlight dances on them, making them glow like spun gold. My dark eyes lighten, reflecting brightly as I look to the horizon. The sun looks like its only mere inches from the blue, blue water, as blue as your eyes. As blue as my soul. Then sighing, I pull myself away from the railing and pad barefoot down the steps to the cool sand below. It'll be hours before the sand gets too hot, so I can do that. That's why we always took our walks at this time, because the sand was cool enough to go barefoot. I've always loved being barefoot - just something about being able to touch this world that we live in and feel its reality.
I start to walk, going nowhere in particular. The jetty that we used to fish off of is straight ahead, so I go there. Carefully climbing the rocks, I make it to the top and stand out over the surf. You used to tell me that I shouldn't climb the rocks barefoot, that I'd cut myself. You were right of course, because I did, but that never kept me from doing it again. You didn't tell me "I told you so," either, because you knew that it didn't matter. "I can heal," I told you, and you shook your head, laughing. I did heal then, and without so much as a scar. I hope I can heal again; I know the scar will be deep this time though.
Standing high above the swirling water below, a few drops of foamy spray leap up, landing on my tanned skin. They feel cool, wet. I feel them, but I don't. I stay on the jetty for a while, I'm not sure how long, just staring out, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. You liked coming here to think, when life got to be too much for you. It's peaceful here, up on this rock, despite the turmoil going on below it. Up here, nobody can touch you. Nothing can touch me here. I guess this is my place now. For when life gets to be too much.
That anyone who knew us both can see
We always were the better part of me
I never wanted to be this free
And all this pain
Does it go away?
The sun is rising higher now creating a wavering heat pattern off the black rocks and I carefully climb back down. Meeting the sand again I notice that it's heat as it's starting to warm up. Seagulls float above me, leisurely scanning the sand for something to put in their bellies, the only concern in their world. A few run back and forth at the edge of the surf, their skinny little legs becoming a blur as they try to outrun the oncoming waves. One has something, maybe a crab that washed ashore, and suddenly he has the attention of a few others. They come for their share and he takes off, his long, streamline wings flapping lazily as he takes his crab elsewhere to enjoy it. As I walk down the beach toward them, toward the water, the gulls scatter, leaving me by myself.
Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
I know...
Somehow, I should be used to this, but it's still a new hurt every time I'm left alone. I just didn't expect you to leave too. Not after everything we've been through together.
I've got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
I've got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye
To all I ever knew
To you
To you
I walk to the edge of the water and dodge incoming waves, skipping backward as they try to tickle my feet. The sand is compact and cool here, and I leave soggy footprints for the ocean to swallow up. I play tag with the tide over and over, for a little while forgetting, for a little while acting like the little boy I wish I still was. Then a second wave crashes over the one I just outran and icy waters rush in. It flows over my toes and the tops of my feet, splashing up my shins, and I smile.
Wading ankle-deep, I walk the shoreline, following the contour of the earth as it winds around the length of the beach. The sun's rays touch my skin and glisten on the rushing water at my feet. White foam speeds past me, then returns, as another wave rolls in, then recedes back to mother ocean. Lifting my foot and snapping it, I send a leaf of seaweed back to the waters and keep going, my trail of footprints being dissolved right after I leave them, as if I never even passed there. We used to walk like this, hand in hand, with the water cooling us on a hot afternoon.
Heading back to the sand, I drag my feet, making long trails behind me. Crystalline grains of sand stick to me, coating my wet skin with themselves until I dry and they fall off. The beach is hot with the sun's rays now but my feet don't feel it. A cool wind blows from the surface of the water and I turn to face it; it feels nice, smoothing my hair back and cooling my skin. My hair blows behind like a flag. Then putting my arms out I begin to spin myself, slowly at first, to watch as my long hair spins around me. I spin and spin, laughing as I do, then collapse to the sand, dizzy from spinning. Gathering myself up I just sit now, facing the water and leaning back in the wind. The wind whispers your name.
For memory there is no hiding place
Turn on the TV and I see you there
In every crowd there's always someone with your face
Everywhere,
Trying not to care
Rising, I go back to ocean's edge, to the place right where the soft sand ends and the wet, hard packed sand begins, and I search. We discovered during our first trip here the unbelievable variety of seashells that could be found here, and I look for them now. Kneeling, I bend to pick up a clear pink clamshell and inspect its perfection, its symmetry as one half directly mimics the other - a rarity, to find a complete shell like this. Walking a little more I find half of a mussel shell, and a tiny little conch shell, an outcast from a creature that grew too big for its home. There are rocks too, different shades of gray and all smoothed to a soft hone by the caressing care of the ocean. I look at the little collection in my hand, then toss them back into the surf, back home.
Thinking I hear something, something other than the roaring of the waves I turn, half expecting to find you behind me, but of course you aren't. I sigh and go back to the little rocks in the sand, picking up a handful to skip across the water in between waves.
Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
I know...
It's lonely without you, you know.
I've got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
I've got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye
To all I ever knew
I've walked long enough now that I can't see the house. I'm pretty far along the beach as I wander aimlessly, just experiencing the life around me, trying to soak it in. The sun is low in the sky now and it's starting to take on a reddish-orange glow to it. It must be getting on in the day. Soon it will be dusk. I should probably start heading back but I don't.
"For what?" I ask myself. It's just me here, and I don't care if I'm late for dinner. I don't even know what dinner will be, or even if it will be. I'm content just watching the ocean and the sun and all the birds that fly over, noting the different varieties that come to visit today. I like it here. We liked it here, although there is no more "we." It's just me. I still like it here, although it isn't the same. It'll never be the same. They say that time heals. I hope they're right, whoever they are.
To you, I wish you everything
And all the best that life can bring
I only hope you think of me sometimes
Finally turning to head back to the house, I start to walk, the wind now blowing me so that my long hair whips around my face. The hot sand is cooling once more and the tide that played with me is receding back into itself, promising to come back again tomorrow to play some more. As it does, the gulls and the albatross start to show up in droves further down the beach, feasting on whatever little edibles the waters have abandoned for them. The sun sits on the horizon now, extinguishing itself in the sea as dusk approaches.
I feel an urgency starting to build in me, and before it can get me, I run.
Even though I feel the pain
I know that I will love again
The time will come
And I'll move on
Barefoot and in my favorite shorts, I run. It's coming for me, the hurt, and I run. I don't want to be its prisoner anymore, so I run. With my hair streaming out behind me and the wind blowing in my face, I run. My feet crunch over shells and pebbles, yet I don't feel them, because I'm running. At the edge of the water. At the edge of the day. At the edge of my life now, because you aren't here to run with me. I just run and run, never stopping, and the tears roll down my face, blowing off my cheeks as I run. How could you do this? How could you make me run like this?
I've got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
I've got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye
To all I ever knew
I'm running, and I don't know if I can stop anymore.
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