Pairings: 1X2, 3X4
Warning: drunk, sap, fluff

Notes: This is my response to a line challenge sent out a while ago. I can't remember who issued the challenge, but at the time, the words caught my attention so I jotted them down. Now I'm glad I did! The lines were:
1)"Stop it! Stop it or you will be unable to shit for all eternity!"
2) "I will cease fire on one condition: that she begins stripping while singing "Shaft"!"
3) "What did you eat? It smells food!"
4) "Sir, I really wish you'd stop letting it out,"
5) "Do a little dance! make a little--OW DAMMITT!!

Hope I made it a viable storyline, and I hope you like it!

Line Challenge

Wufei was miserable.

Not only had he barely survived his latest mission with Nataku, but he was now trapped in one of Quatre's safehouses with a group of drunk teenagers and a rapidly dwindling food supply.

He should have stayed with Treize.

" Dear Nataku, give me strength," he prayed. Duo, overhearing him, waved his arm jovially at him.

" Aw, c'mon Wu-chan - it's not THAT bad," he grinned. He picked up his can of Coors, judged it to be too far gone to be worth the trouble of chasing the last drop of fermented yeast from it, and tossed it behind him. " Here - I'll getcha a beer while I get myself another one, 'kay?"

Wufei scowled. " I do not drink, Maxwell."

" You should," Duo advised him, bringing a second can with him anyway. " With the double-trouble blondes here, the alcohol will help you go numb."

Wufei acknowledged that with a sound that was halfway between a chuckle and a snort.

" Very well then," he agreed, accepting the chilled can and popping the tab. Duo grinned.

" A toast!"

" To what?" A bleary-eyed Quatre asked from his seat at the kitchen table.

" Well, it won't be to good food," remarked Trowa casually as he continued his search through the cupboards.

" Sorry, Master Trowa," said Rashid apologetically from his position on the doorway where he could keep watch on all of them, and the group of Maguanacs loitering around in the hallway. " The men were hungry."

" And it's too cold and snowy to go shopping," mourned Duo as he poked one of the cans that Trowa had liberated, distrustingly.

" Oh Heero - I'm hungry!" came a familiar, high-pitched voice from the hallway. Duo froze as he heard the shrill sound, and Wufei's own fingers clenched convulsively around his beer can.

Heero stalked into the room, dragging the irritating blonde behind him who had latched onto his arm with all the tenacity of a starving leech. Heero wore an expression on his face that seemed to beg the question, 'what is IT doing on my arm?' Ever the peace-maker, Quatre jumped, rather unsteadily, and pulled out a chair for Relena.

" Why thank you Quatre!" she purred as she seated herself and turned to face Heero, fully expecting him to join her. However, the Perfect Soldier took advantage of her momentary distraction and slid her arm free of her grasping fingers, and doubling back to snag the seat next to Duo. Relena pouted, and reached for one of the unopened cans on the table. Dorothy, watching from the corner, nursed her ice water with a smirk, knowing that a sober mind would be able to better appreciate the antics five drunk pilots and one completely soused Queen of the World were likely to cause.

Trowa pulled a suspicious looking tin out of the fridge and tossed it behind him as he dug deeper through the innards of the cooling unit.

Said tin landed in front of one Perfect Soldier who scrutinized aforementioned tin and then shrugged, unwrapping the foil.

Duo tore his eyes off of his own beverage long enough to let the tin's contents to percolate into his foggy mind. Comprehension - as well as revulsion - dawned on his face and his head snapped up.

" Stop it! Stop it or you will be unable to shit for all eternity!" Duo cried out in alarm. Heero, in the act of lifting a forkfull of the doubtful foodstuff, froze instantly, eyebrows comically raised.

" Huh?"

" That souvlaki will clog up your innards worse then concrete in a drain pipe!" Duo rubbed his own stomach gingerly, a faint grimace on his face. " I speak from experience."

Heero dropped the package like a hot potato. That burst of excitement over, Duo became bored - quite quickly, one might add - and looked for a new source of entertainment. Spying an old newspaper sitting on the table, he pulled it towards him, ripped off a piece, wadded it up and chucked it at an unsuspecting Wufei who had been calmly meditating at his seat.

" What the--Maxwell!" He scoffed at the paper. " Only you would be so childish."

Duo's response was to stick out his tongue and throw another paper ball.

" Duo! Yamero!"

" Knock it off Duo," Heero intoned calmly as he stood up to help Trowa find something more edible to eat then the dreaded souvlaki. Duo ignored the command and threw another piece of Arabian Times at Wufei who snatched it in mid-air.

" Enough!"

" Buut I'm bored!" Duo whined as he s-l-o-w-l-y tore another strip of paper free. Wufei's eyes narrowed dangerously. Duo's eyes brightened as another idea struck him.

" I will cease fire...." Duo began in a mock-solemn tone. "...on one condition: that she begins stripping while singing "Shaft"! " He pointed his finger squarely at a bleary-eyed Relena who started at the gesture.

" Whaaa...?" Relena asked fuzzily. Duo grinned evilly as he stared at his partner, convinced he was safe with that ultimatum. Heero paled at the thought of Relena trying to seductively remove her clothing to *any* music. Then Duo choked and made a strangled noise. Heero blinked and then went completely white as Relena somewhat unsteadily rose to her feet, humming the intro and fumbling with the buttons on her shirt.

Duo squawked and slapped his hands over his eyes. Never before had one of his plans backfired in such a horrifying - and revolting - way. Still scrambling, he dove under the table, clutching his cross automatically.

" Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..." wafted up from beneath the Formica tabletop.

Heero watched with eyes round as dinner plates as Relena tried to sway enticingly , and eeped.

" Duo, Omae o Korosu!" he hissed, kicking the praying American under the table. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"....Forgive us our trespasses.."

Suddenly, a rush of air blew past his face and a loud thump was heard. Heero hesitantly cracked an eye open to see Relena passed out cold on the floor, thankfully with her modesty still intact.

" Whaddaya know?" Duo said in disbelief as he reached out and tentatively poked Relena. She didn't move. A huge smile broke out on his face and he kissed his cross relevantly. " It worked!"

" Baka!" Heero gasped as the color began it's return to his face.

Quatre, who had studiously avoided the entire proceedings by watching Trowa root through the fridge, stood up and went to the unibanged pilot, noticing Trowa tasting an unknown substance.

" Trowa?" Quatre sniffed his lover curiously. " What did you eat? It smells food!"

" It was the only alternative to the souvlaki," Trowa admitted sheepishly, showing him the jar. " Apparently Iria shops for any eventuality."

Quatre eyed the jar, and then his lover, dubiously.

" Okay," he said finally and went back to the table.

Meanwhile, Rashid had gone to speak to Wufei who, unable to return to his meditating, was wearing a tense, angry look on his face from Duo's antagonizing. His hand moved up and down steadily as he kept his gaze on the braided American. His actions did not go unnoticed.

" Master Chang?" The Arabian seneschal began calmly. " You're making the men...nervous, with that. " He nodded to the side room where several wide-eyed Maguanacs were watching. Wufei ignored. Rashid sighed.

" Sir, I really wish you'd stop letting it out," Rashid grimaced. " It would be best for us all if you'd just let it alone for a while."

Wufei scowled, but complied, sliding his sword back into its scabbard with a thunk.

" Really," he snorted. " Your men are afraid of my sword? Maybe they're smarter then they look."

He scowled once more and Rashid backed away hastily, thanking him for his compliance.

Silence reigned for a few moments, punctuated by the soft snores from the unconscious young Queen, the snickers of one highly-amused Dorothy Catalonia who had missed nothing, and Trowa's chewing of some bread substance that had probably last seen the light of day nearly four months ago. Duo began to tap his braid against the table, simply unable to keep still.


" Duo," came Heero's voice warningly.

//Swish, Swish//

" Duo." Louder this time.


" MAXWELL!!" Wufei roared, his patience gone since Rashid made him put his sword away.

" Whaa~aat?" Duo whined. " I'm bored!"

Wufei and Heero exchanged long-suffering glances. They both knew it wasn't Duo's fault - a hyper metabolism fueled by vast amounts of sugar kept the boy in constant motion. Being cooped up in the safehouse had to be torture.

They also knew of the dangers of a bored Duo. They barely repressed twin looks of fear when Duo's eyes lit up.

" I know!"

A collective groan rose up.

" Let's listen to some music!"

The braided pilot turned on the radio. Classical piano music filtered out, capturing Quatre's attention.

" I want that!"

" Nope, can't sing to it," Duo replied, already changing the station.

//If you wanna be my lover!!//

Heero snarled and instantly trained his gun on the poor radio. Fortunately, Duo saved the radio's life by throwing himself into the guns path, one hand reaching behind him frantically to change the station.

" Sorry! Sorry!" Duo babbled as he settled on a station that sounded promising.


Bass drums and electric guitars burst forth from the speakers as Duo accidently turned the volume knob the wrong way.

Relena's head snapped up at the influx of sound, hit her head on the table ledge and promptly passed out again. Dorothy was headbanging in her corner. Quatre was trying to stuff handful's of Trowa's sweater into his ears. Trowa's eyes were closed, his teeth gritted. Wufei let out a howl that was drowned out by a shriek from Kid Rock.


Heero sent his best Death Glare O' Doom at Duo who gulped and turned down the volume.

" Find. Something. Else." Heero ground out, fingers twitching as though he were about to take Duo's braid and stuff it down his throat. Duo nodded and twisted the dial. An old, up-beat song came on and Duo's eyes lit up. Again. He began to sing along.

" Do a little dance! make a little--OW DAMMITT!!!"

Duo howled as Heero's fingers locked on to his partner's braid and pulled him away from the hapless radio. The ever helpful Quatre ducked behind the ledge the radio perched upon and pulled the plug. A round of applause rang out as Heero marched Duo out of the room muttering, " Enough is enough..."

Wufei sighed and let his head thunk onto the kitchen table.

' Next time, he vowed silently. ' I'm staying with Treize! '


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